self-diagnosis

It is midnight. I just screwed myself over sleep-wise by thinking that I could just fall asleep at 8 PM (because I had another headache that came out of nowhere and just wouldn't go away again) even though I knew this most likely would happen, and now I'm awake again.

I've been feeling off for the past week, even though I finally got past an anxiety-ridden hell-hole of the previous week that ended with a day of emotional catharsis and more crying than I would care to admit. And then I had to pick myself back up together just in time for a week of serially timed meet-ups with people as well as my career counselor, and I had to somehow remind myself how to socially function in front of others again and then apologize to the latter for my lack of progress because of ongoing stuff.

And I survived! somewhat.

I still feel emotionally fragile and volatile after all of that. And somewhat like a used sponge. It has taken me longer than I would like to "recover," although I feel like I face new struggles everyday that challenge my ability to function normally.

- I lost my car keys somewhere in a pile of bushes within the vicinity of my mailbox as I was checking my mail and they slipped off the keyring in my hand, and I heard them bounce off the pavement but didn't see where they landed.

Cue 20 minutes of frantic running up and down the sidewalk along both sides of bushes, panicked phone calls to Mom, and even more panicking as it was already getting dark and I was running late for a meet-up with Jade to head up to SF for a musical. After some help from a nice pedestrian walking her dog, I finally found them in front of a line of bushes, blended in with the shrubbery.

- Accidentally missed a phone interview call from UI people by a few seconds because my phone didn't ring (even though it made the "call missed" sound), and no one has responded or picked up on the line that I was told to call "within 48 hours" ever since. Killed my motivation to do anything for the rest of the day.

- Old social insecurities have started propping up again, only this time I feel like I can't afford to deal with this shit anymore on top of all of my other shit. Especially the anxiety of wondering what people are doing without me (because I'm not that oblivious and can sometimes tell when something's going on) and always feeling out of the loop, even though I know I can't handle that social atmosphere right now anyway given how out of it I've been lately, which is why I've been more distant in the first place.

And there's that inner voice in me that asks what's the point anymore, if you still feel this disconnected from people after all of these years. Why even bother keeping up anymore. Being in an environment where I can't be more open about my ongoing issues is exhausting (and for that matter, today was exhausting, and I wasn't sure if I could hold myself together for much longer).

- Food in general isn't as enjoyable to me as it used to be, to the point where eating now feels like a chore that I have to prepare for. Not that it hasn't been that way in the past, but nowadays even when I go out of my way to get something I like, it just... doesn't taste as good anymore.

- I haven't been able to consistently do anything I used to enjoy doing for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Most of the time I don't feel like doing anything and end up settling for passing time uncomfortably, or end up briefly starting something I know I won't finish anytime soon. I started a game of Pokemon (Soul Silver) last night because I felt like it until I hit the first gym and started wondering what the hell I was doing with my life.

- I constantly feel like I have the onset of a cold and pink eye without the mucus, in spite of repeated attempts at applying eye drops and daily Claritin to address what might otherwise be my allergies.

- It is 72 (down from 74) degrees in my place right now and I'm still sweating like I'm in a sauna. And I feel spoiled for saying that, but honestly, [the perception] of heat even to this extent makes me irritable.

- After all of the above this week... I haven't actually been able to get back to any of the work I was doing earlier yet.

- One week of milk tea or some other drink variant everyday; one day with two drinks and enough hot tea to give me a tea hangover at 10 PM; and another day that ended with three drinks because why the hell not. I'm probably going to try and tone it down this week for the sake of my own health.

- I had a dream last night where Jonathan (Ross) and I were smuggling fireworks as part of a car caravan into NYC and got pulled over by the NYPD equivalent of border patrol(?), only to get caught up in a gun battle between them and local gangs, and we tried to get out of there as fast as possible. And then I found myself hiding inside a crawl space because Jonathan told me to take cover and people were fleeing everywhere, where I was finally crushed by the overwhelmingly oppressive "presence" of approaching recycling trucks going on strike.

I worry about turning into a shell of a person who is miserable to be around because everything is always the way it's described here right now: negative. That everything I'm going through right now is becoming the new normal for me. That it's something that I just have to "deal with" now.

Fuck that. There's no reason to settle for depression when you know that things can still be better.

It's just hard to live that out sometimes. Especially when your own mind is at odds with yourself.