on social anxiety

I don't think I've ever felt more lonely than in the presence of other people.

That's to say, if worrying about what other people were doing or how my life might look to other people weren't an issue, then I would feel perfectly fine being alone (and in the presence of people) a lot more often. Most of the time I feel relieved when I get the chance to finally be alone for once. Or at least, not noticed... which is part of the reason why I feel the subconscious desire to hide whenever I see someone I recognize in public.

But it's there. That pressure to conform to social standards. I feel uncomfortable in the presence of other people a lot (at parties, at a club, and so on) because I get reminded of how out of touch I feel with the lifestyles of other people. How different it is to be a guy that dislikes small talk, isn't interested in following sports, prefers not to drink as much, finds interest in a lot of random things that no one else knows about, and doesn't have a significant other (and then get pressured by everyone to get one already...). I feel tempted to think that if I could only change at least one of those things, then fitting in would be so much easier.

But it's never that simple. You can't just change who you are like that... especially when you really don't want to change to begin with. 

And then there's the stupid little things you do to make up for it. Latch on to the closest legitimate excuse you can find for why you seem to not be enjoying yourself, in order to make others worry as little as possible. [A headache from either sleeping too much or not sleeping enough; finding yourself unable to talk to anyone because you had one drink too many (of two drinks); getting food poisoning last night and still feeling queasy today. All of which, while being true, aren't really able to mask the fact that even if these excuses didn't exist, I wouldn't be acting that much different. Although I guess I would be trying a little harder to socialize otherwise.] Stare at the television screen because that's what a good chunk of people happen to be staring at, only you're not paying attention to whatever's playing because it takes too much energy to try and pay attention to something you aren't that interested in. Play with your phone only to realize that nothing on it really interests you on it right now and you're just fumbling with the screens to pass time. Watch other people because they're pretty entertaining... only if people noticed that you were watching them they'd think it was creepy. >_>

And on the other side of things, there's that internal voice that wonders how things got this way. Whether something is just fundamentally wrong with you mentally. 

It's strange to think that there was a time in elementary school when I wasn't friends with anyone in my class, and I felt perfectly fine being that way. Life was so much simpler without having to worry about how other people perceived you. But it's something you have to figure out how to deal with eventually anyway.

Wanted

The Fresh Air interview from yesterday brought up an interesting point with regards to the high frequency of people texting or just being on their phones all the time in our current culture: that this kind of behavior stems psychologically from our desire to know that we are wanted by someone. At least, I can feel it myself. How often do I get momentarily excited myself the moment I hear my phone go off or see the LED light go off, indicating that I have a new e-mail/text message/whichever? (and the disappointment that follows if it's just an e-mail from coursera or some other mass mailing list >_>).

And on that note- what about all of those times where you find out about some event that you haven't been invited to? It always makes me somewhat uncomfortable to hear about such things before and after the fact, even though it happens all the time anyway. Even though I probably wouldn't have gone to a lot of these events anyway, the notion of being invited is good enough, because it at least lets me know that other people want to see and hang out with me. Just as getting a text message is good enough, because it reminds me that people want to talk to me.

This kind of thinking... it's so self-centered. It's all about looking for reassurance that I'm wanted, that I'm needed, that I have enough worth and value to be in other people's lives. And if none of that happens, then it reflects badly on me as a person because I'm probably either a bad friend or a bad person or I just happen to suck at keeping in touch with people or all of the above. I've even heard this come out of other people's mouths with regards to why person x is never invited to events and so on. It's a route that's well paved to lead to depression in the long run.

I struggled a lot with this myself. Having to invite myself to other people's events after hearing about it over the grapevine; wondering if they'd forgotten me or if they just didn't want to hang out with me in the first place, even though they were pretty nice around me anyway. Always seeing them instant message each other  offhand while my own windows were bare, because I didn't like initiating such things myself, but I'd still wonder what was wrong with me anyway. Hearing them talk about past or future events in front of me that I hadn't been invited to. Eventually I just grew fed up and stopped seeing them for a while altogether, although to them it probably didn't feel like such a long time considering how infrequently I was around them anyway.

And ironically, months later, I still hang out with some of them once in a while now anyway, because things just worked out in a weird way like that. I kind of always knew how trivial a lot of my worries were, but I still let them get to me anyway. And it's funny how even now it still gets to me once in a while, when I already should know better.

It's stupid how often we worry about such things, when there are people out there who have few friends to count on because of their current situation, because of a mental illness, because of a disability, or because of some other issue. I'm reminded of it every once in a while because someone very close to me is in that position... and I realize how blessed I am to have the experiences I've been able to have. My anxiety about my social self-worth is nothing in the big scheme of things.

snippet of a year

I worried so much this past year about such little things. Feeling incredibly resistant to meeting new people because I wasn't sure if these people were the kind of people I wanted to hang out with. And even after the fact, feeling left out of the loop even though I hadn't really tried that hard to begin with. Sensing that there were still things I might not like about them, or that there might be things they didn't like about me. Maybe that was the reason I always had to invite myself to events?... until I stopped and grew tired of it.

The best advice I got on it recently - "don't worry about it."

And to realize that all wasn't as it seemed. That even the people I thought I might dislike or never see again were still people I enjoyed interacting with, even if I hadn't said a word to them at all for months. I think some of my favorite interactions are with people who I haven't spoken with for a long time and are perfectly fine with it being that way... although maybe that's more typical of the working life to begin with.

Overall, I think this experience has been mostly the opposite of what I was expecting. I remember at the end of senior year expecting to be a recluse and lose touch with most people, or writing something along those lines on one of the posters at Chapter Camp. and now I'm just the guy who somehow ends up either at Berkeley or out of town every other weekend or is otherwise off being too popular for his other friends except for pity hangouts. (which they aren't!! -__-)

It doesn't make sense because my idea of a perfect day is some combination of a bunch of single-person activities. Reading a book [in bed], watching a show, playing a game, coding, and then sleeping. But somehow I have five different plans in succession this weekend, and it's starting to stress me out a little the way these things suddenly just stack up, even if they are good things.

(random aside, but I think I also suffer from the incessant desire to always befriend friends of friends. It tends to not work out so well. There can only be so much friendliness in the world.)

A rather long time ago now, I got a comment from a friend on how naive I was. I don't remember if I said anything in response, but naturally it ticked me off inside. Naive to the world? Please, I'm not that oblivious. I know that people aren't always what they make themselves out to be... how much this life sucks and is a lot more mundane and boring in general than we'd like to admit... and how messed up the world is on a daily basis.

But honestly, though, that friend was right. Despite how much I like to play myself off as a pessimist in general... I tend to put more faith in the unselfishness and the integrity of other people I know, even if I don't actually know them that well at all. I try to downplay the bad qualities of other people if I do mention them, and hearing anyone talk trash about other people or character bashing, so to speak, tends to bother me even when it is merited. I also hate it when I hear talk about rating other people based on looks or whichever... it just feels foreign to me. (which led to Johny asking if I had absolutely no standards about looks - okay, well I'll admit that some things do turn me off. >_>).

Lately I've been reminded or shown a lot more of how much I don't actually know, how unaware I am of what other people actually think or believe or act. Little topics of conversation that bother me because they reveal my naivety, my lack of worldly knowledge, were I to even say anything, although others probably suspect it of me anyway. How wrong and out of touch with reality I was, for hoping or trying to assume the better of others when they gave no reason for me to do so. Even though it feels a lot more poisonous in my head to assume the worst.

Sometimes I just feel out of touch with reality and people in general. Like I'm continuously living life in my own little bubble, refusing to pay attention to what's going on and ignoring the things that other people say that I don't like. But then when I do end up around other people, particularly people I'm not as familiar with, I just feel irrelevant and out of place. and uncomfortable.

Incidentally, the last two months have been a bit... socially exhausting for me, so I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting out of a need for more dedicated alone time. I think it's becoming more apparent to me now that there are just some worlds that I won't fit into in general. And that there are some people I just gravitate towards more easily than others, and other people I probably never would really get along with that well. I wish it weren't so though. 

IM

For a while now I've had this tendency to feel self-conscious about instant messaging. Every time a friend's nearby with a laptop or computer screen on, I can't help but notice how many gchat (or aim back in the day, or webex in the case of work) conversations they usually have ongoing at one time. I mean, I've had moments where I've had several chats going on at once myself, but it's only once in a while. And it makes me wonder why I'm not talking to people as much as the person in front of me.

Some people have asked me in the past why I hardly talk to them [online], generally people who I talked to more often than most to begin with. I dunno. Is it a symptom of something?

Back in the day [read: middle school] when I started using MSN and later AIM, I always had this weird complex about never wanting to IM people because I didn't want to bother them or something like that. In retrospect it shouldn't have been that big a deal, especially considering the kind of things middle schoolers would've talked about anyway... but I don't know how well I got over that. I don't think of it as much, but I still feel irked whenever people don't really respond, even though I do that a lot myself now anyways. It also bothers me when attempts at conversations just end after a few lines. (I'm probably reading too much into it.)

I guess in general, I don't feel like initiating conversations most of the time unless I actually have something to say. Which sucks when I want to talk to someone but don't really have anything to say, so I either end up not initiating or just sitting there if the person happens to be there.

I apologize if you've had to experience the awkwardness of me just sitting there. According to a friend it's cause I like to soak in the presence of other people. "Like a sponge."

Those moments of frustration when you have people you want to see, but for whatever the reason (distance/time/conflicting schedules/inconvenience/lack of responsiveness when you try to initiate/you've grown distant from each other/you don't really know each other that well and they're not the type of person who would want to go out of their way to meet up with someone they don't really know/they don't necessarily want to see you and you don't even know why you want to see them in the first place) you can't. This doesn't bother me all the time, but there have been random moments in the past few months where one stray thought of this sort has come up at night, and I consequently find myself unable to sleep for a few hours. And of course I wake up the next morning wondering what the hell I was thinking.

And for those you do get to see, the feeling of "That's it?" that comes afterwards, because things aren't the same as they were before, and the subjects you wanted to talk about are still left unsaid, and you probably won't talk again for a long time anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I've traded the closeness I felt in college for an abundance of regular friendships and acquaintances with other people I hadn't expected to see. Which is to say that I'm thankful for what I have now, but the feeling of unrest from what's missing is still there. It's hard to find a replacement for late night conversations and man-councils nowadays.

Working Life

Life is good, but I feel restless. Living alone makes me more aware of how hard it is to connect with people sometimes, especially when it takes a lot more effort to do so as they're not in close proximity anymore. I still feel that disconnect even when I do see or talk to people - like something's missing.

In previous days I'd stay up till 4 or 5 trying to elaborate more, but it is now 12:50 and past my bedtime. Good night.

Frustrations

Some things are better left said in person, but whenever I have someone to talk to I find that I don't want to say anything.

I feel inclined to both like and have little faith in people.

I wish I were more grounded in reality and instead of not really being there. I tend to lose myself without realizing it to the point that when I come to I'm doing something stupid.

There are moments where I loathe being an introvert, even though according to stupid Myers Briggs I'm 100% introverted. I actually like being around people a lot, even when I come across as distant... which doesn't help much.

Nintendo of America needs to freaking localize Xenoblade already.

[Lacking] Closure

I'm used to finding myself lost in thought most of the time. Lately though it seems like most of what I ever think of is errands, tasks, and to-do lists of errands and tasks. I usually end up forgetting anything else that comes to mind, unless I write them down like this.

Closure. The word came up in conversation today in a different context, but it characterizes what's been bothering me since May ended. I don't feel like I had any closure on anything going on then, aside from the need to get away from people. Cause once I found people again, it was too late for there to be any of it. People move on.

When the things you expect, or hope, or pray for don't come to fruition in time... A friend back in May wondered why I seemed less happy in general from previous years. It progressed through phases. From optimism to depression, to anger, and then to disillusionment. By the end there was apathy. Not totally... I still cared enough to be bothered. I just didn't care enough to do anything about it anymore... which in effect isn't really much different from not caring at all.

And to be honest, I hate the fact that it still bothers me. I could still find myself paralyzed from the thought of it, months later, trapped in a car in the middle of traffic in Indonesia, even when nothing of the days or moments before would even suggest of it. Again in the middle of conversation with a family that was being a little too hospitable. Again in the midst of the lull while driving up north. These moments just happen out of nowhere.

"It" is multiple things. It is disappointment at what could've been, at what actually happened, at my own passiveness in the face of something that just seemed inexplicable and out of my own control. It is multiple events, some related, some unrelated, spanning the course of four years and multiple overlapping circles of people and communities. It consists largely of things that "don't concern me," as far as the signs would tell. I know that. I don't want to be concerned. But it still comes up anyway, in conversation as an afterthought. A nice story to tell to those who weren't there. and to reminisce with those who were, regardless of whether or not I fully know what's being said in front of me.

I wonder if I'd find closure if I actually knew what happened. To be able to fill in those holes in my memory, the lack of information that leads me to misjudge people and hold bitter feelings against them, when they probably don't deserve any of it for all I know. Is it even really about that? Was I even sincerely praying for them? Did I even actually pray?

It is all too easy to turn this into something about me, when in actuality there was a lot more going on personally in the lives of these people, that I have no right to know about. Perhaps I am bitter because I wasn't allowed to know. I shouldn't have any reason to know. But I can see the apparent aftereffects of it all, and that is enough to make me want to know. And then it turns into an issue of not being close enough with the people in question. And then it's an issue of why we weren't closer. And then it becomes why aren't I closer with more people. And so the thought progression goes.

Do I want to be closer to people because I need people to be close to? Or am I really affected by what happens to the people I consider my friends, even if I'm not that close to them? These questions keep coming up again and again, and I can't shake them off. I tend to go with the assumption that I'm just being selfish here, and that I should stop wondering cause it'd be better for everyone else, and for my own mind's sake. But evidently I can't stop myself from mulling over this sometimes, when I least expect it.

For those of you who I find it difficult to talk to now after all of this, I really miss talking to you. Even though it might not have seemed like we talked much at all. I'm guessing my memory's eschewed that much of it... and so I feel hesitant to say much more. I could be going off of something that wasn't there for all I know. But I don't presume most of you read this blog anyway, so what does it matter.

It is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't know if the people you value will get to see it with you.

-

At some point during this summer I realized that I miss people, but I don't know what to say to a lot of them anymore.

It feels debilitating sometimes.

I've already grown accustomed to (or rather, immediately grew accustomed to) home life. Quiet life. I think in some sense I was really growing sick of it all the last couple of weeks or so - always feeling a need to see people, either from pressure or guilt by other people or just out of a desire to not have any regrets by the end of it. In fact by the last day in Berkeley I was almost ready to ragequit, cause I was really growing tired of people. Not everything about people, I realize now, but the baggage that comes with them. Conflict, issues left unresolved... and so on.

There was a time prior to college where I used to obsess about being around people. Wherever there was stuff happening. I always had to be at least talking to someone, or out somewhere that wasn't home. It would get to the point where I'd feel depressed when I was stuck at home doing nothing. And now that college has come and gone... I feel like I've overdone being around people to the point where I feel fine being alone for at least a good while now.

I realize that I have this bad tendency to overdo things in general when I attempt them. Overwork myself till I burn out. Overbinge on food or games or shows or whatever till I grow sick of it. Overdo being around people. I never seem to be able to find balance in my life because I'm so used to overdoing things now, that I feel like I'm not doing enough if I'm not overdoing it. Or I'm just really impatient and feeling like I can't get things done without overdoing them. Yes, this thought comes just after binging on two Pokemon game runthroughs in the last week and a half, because I don't have the patience to continue playing Pokemon for an entire month even. I'm done with Pokemon for a good while now (last time I binged was two years ago).

This inability to balance my life out... is the source of much of the personal issues I have right now. Lifestyle issues. And it scares me to think of what might happen once I start living alone, for I don't have that much faith in my ability to control myself once I feel the temptation to just binge on things, whether out of impatience or compulsion. As much as I hate to admit it, I need accountability.

When will I be able to say, enough is enough? When I can be okay with not being productive, but still be productive sometimes? With not always seeing people... but still want to see people?

Community

I mentioned a few weeks ago about dissatisfaction, but not really knowing how else to describe it. Well in light of last night and this night, it kinda all came together for me. I'm dissatisfied with community.

To be honest, this was what I originally would've had in mind when I wrote out my testimony for the testimony book, but instead something else came to the forefront when I actually started writing because I couldn't focus my ideas on this at the time. So maybe think of this as a second testimony.

I may or may not have mentioned before that I somehow find myself going through the same, if not very similar thoughts that Ryan L goes through, aside from experiencing them in different contexts or as a result of different situations. (although in reality, I have thoughts that even Ryan apparently doesn't know how to interpret, so it's not really one to one). That said, his somewhat... mish-mashed testimony last night (<3) on community echoed a lot of things in my life that held true for me. Being rejected by a friend in middle school, leaving the church in high school, really valuing the presence of harmony and a good community in general... And the dissatisfaction that comes from not finding the community we seek.

I have really idealized expectations of what community looks like. I have spent years searching for it, a space where everyone can be each other's best friend, where everyone can feel comfortable just being around each other and be able to open up about the serious things in their life without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. I took it so far to the point where I started idolizing every community or group of friends I became a part of. In an attempt to realize it, I invested a ton of time in just being around these people, perhaps more time than an introvert like me would usually feel comfortable doing.

And then of course, as time passed, conflicts happened. People grew apart. People started fighting. It happened in almost every group of friends I had. It drove me crazy, especially considering they all emerged out of circumstances that I had little to no control over personally. I could be on good terms with all of these people, but with each other they wouldn't talk. They wouldn't listen. They wouldn't reconcile. Or in other cases, I'd end up clashing with them. Or in other cases they wouldn't talk to me. And then I started growing bitter, and started holding faults against them... and eventually grew distant from them. I felt like the time I had spent with them had gone nowhere.

What I desired was cohesiveness, from people that turned out not to be very cohesive with each other at all, myself included. I (and some of my friends) hoped to impose or instill some sense of togetherness in our group, but instead what we found was that sometimes people just don't get along well or even can't stand each other by their very nature. Just because I'm friends with both of you doesn't mean that you have to be friends with each other. Likewise, just because you're friends with me and another person doesn't mean I have to be friends with that person. I started judging people for their inability to get along, or to look past the faults of each other when it mattered, regardless of the fact that I myself had trouble getting along with these people because of it. And sometimes there were people I just couldn't relate to very well in general.

The bottom line is, it has started getting to the point where I am growing sick of being around people altogether. I am growing sick of trying find communities that don't seem to be anywhere, when I can only find at best decent, although very much imperfect and not very much cohesive groups of people. I hate the fact that there are people within my circles of friends who I've known for years but can barely carry conversations with, and that there are people who I can talk to, but can feel internally bitter to on a moment's notice. These are communities that I don't truly feel comfortable in now. Every passing encounter that goes by, every missed conversation, every missed opportunity to share an experiences, thwarted by the forces of bad circumstances and clashing personalities. I can try to like people, but I can't make myself become their best friend whenever I want to.

Leaving college is a very bittersweet experience. It comes with the knowledge that I didn't have the time, nor the personality, nor the ability, to really get to know or build even fairly solid relationships with all of the people that I wanted to over the years. And yet I somehow was able to get by in this constant state of imperfect harmony, of being good friends with some people and at least on decent terms with others. At senior large group last night, in the midst of all the chaos and mistakes flying everywhere, I suddenly realized this - and laughed. Because I found that it still was an fun experience, when it came down to it. Yes, not everyone got along with each other, and yes, some people even drove me crazy and to the point of tears and anger - but I have to say, it was a worthwhile and life-giving experience. Even for just the little moments, I was able to find joy.

So now I come to this point where I feel like I'm both growing distant from people but still enjoying their company when it's there. It comes across as a massive paradox in my head right now, and I don't really know how to make sense of it. I feel like whenever I try to explain my thoughts to Ryan, they end up coming across as these series of paradoxes and contradictions that confuse the hell out of the both of us. At best, I can only describe it as a dissatisfaction with the community I've experienced for all its imperfections, but not discounting the fact that I enjoyed it anyway. Which is the reason why I still bother seeing people now, with the continued hope of experiencing something more.

Life is a continuous process of learning to accept imperfection, but at the same time not settling for it when it's possible to do better. It is very easy for me to just do one, but not the other, and I feel like I've just been moving back and forth between both ends for a long time now. I acknowledge that my old ideas of community aren't fully realizable - but that is no excuse to give up on the people in them.

Strangely, this is at best tangentially related to the other big thing on my mind tonight, but that is "a story for another time," as Ryan would put it. Community in particular is something I have wrestled with for years, so I'm glad this finally got written out. Good night.

SSB

I acknowledge that our community is far from perfect, but I had a good time the past few days. Thank you, IVCCF senior class, for making such an enjoyable and meaningful beach house trip. Even though I hate beaches.

Also, thanks for the garlic croutons and potato bread. :D

Project group dynamics

Jason: Me and Ryan, we're tight dude. I don't know about Johny though.

:)

QW

Jade: What are you going to do next semester?
Johny: ...Be a student.

GC

Why is it that good conversations always come at the cost of sleep? Sometimes I wish I had the best of both worlds.

But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

Our conversations don't make any sense.

me: wait, do you still have my game?
Ryan L: yeah
Ryan L: i told you o.O
Ryan L: actually....
me: oh I didn't get any response
Ryan L: maybe i don't 8)
me: o_o
Ryan L: or maybe i do 8)
Ryan L: only time will tell

Ryan L: and you better hope time speaks a little faster than normal
: b/c otherwise
: it's all monkeys under their anteaters
me: ...wtf
Ryan L: or garbanzo beans under the guacamole
: or lemons under the petunias
: or fishsticks under the moonlight
: or pieces of glass under the chopsticks
: or cupcakes under the tinsil
me: do I know you?
Ryan L: that
: is the question of the day
me: I hate your vague responses
Ryan L: LOL
: but yes
: i have your game

Lately

So lately I've been having a lot of random thoughts that have made me go, "I should blog this!" And then I don't because I'm not at a computer and when I do get access I don't feel like it anymore. But I guess I do this them. I'll post them random style again.

- It occurred to me that I don't really post much about what's actually going on in my life, besides what's inside my head. At least not since Chapter Camp, which was a month ago. A month is a long time in the blog-o-verse.

- I feel less inclined to write about specific circumstances or events involving other people. Most of what makes it on here is what's in my head when I'm alone, or in general over a period of time.

- I tend to be in an observer's position a lot of the time when I'm with people. It's just in my nature to not really want to be part of the center of attention. I hated it when people paid attention to me when I was little, although most of those times it was probably because I was embarrassing myself at some point. I dislike embarrassing myself, although I do it a lot anyway. Johny calls me a voyeur of people.

- My observer status has gotten to the point where Nathan doesn't remember me being at a number of places with him, even though I was there. Like for instance being in the apartment at all last summer. I just don't stand out much, I guess.

- A lot of the time, though, I actually do want to be more involved, but I don't really have anything to say that would fit the circumstance. I'm not really conscious of this until afterwards, but I just end up not talking much in general just cause I have nothing to say.

- Lately I've been getting more comfortable with not having anything to say. I feel apathetic about awkward silences; half the time they end up feeling natural to me anyway. But I do appreciate it when there isn't silence, though.

- This brings to mind that one Stars song, "Your Ex-lover is Dead."

I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

That kinda applies to how I feel about a lot of past things now. Except maybe not to the extent of an ex-lover, but an ex...friend? People I used to know. and stuff.

- I've been missing things... less. I don't miss the old apartment, or the environment/community there. I don't really know if I did before in the past either. It just felt like a natural progression of things. I don't really miss people or past times that much either. Except for my brother. I still miss my brother. Even though I don't do stuff with him that often when I'm at home anyway.

- When I came back from Chapter Camp, there was this brief period of me wondering how I would be able to adjust back to everyday life again. Part of me didn't want to go back to the apartment cause more than half the people were gone already. And the apartment felt weird when there weren't people there. But that feels like a long time ago now.

- Now I think I'm too acclimated to everyday life. Every day just passes by really fast. And I don't reflect that much, except for the random moments that eventually accumulate into this list.

- I have no idea whether half these thoughts are rhetorical or not. That or I'm too thought-lazy to think about it and realize whether they're obvious. Maybe they aren't that common-sense after all.

- I want to say more, but this is already getting to the point of feeling like blog-post long. My next thought was going to be about hair anyway. ...On second thought.

- I'm self-conscious of my hair. Especially whenever it sticks up. I don't like it when other people see it sticking up. And I dislike having longer than short hair. This is kind of a hypocritical point considering I'm always chastising Ryan for being self-conscious of his hair, but in my defense, he starts complaining about his hair at an earlier point than when I would complain about mine.

- I need to get a hair cut soon. Maybe next week.

- There's this nice lady on Euclid, nearby La Val's, who was usually by herself whenever I passed by to and from campus. I felt bad for seeing her alone so often so I got my hair cut there a number of times. The haircuts go by pretty fast, and it's nice talking to her about life. Now that I live on southside though, I probably won't be going there again.

- I need to stop sleeping at 3-5 AM everyday. I feel like everyone around me's adjusted to an early sleep schedule for the summer, whereas I switched off from a decent sleep schedule to a wow-I-can-hear-birds-chirping-cause-it's-5 schedule. I don't really have much reason to stay up this late either.

- Saw Toy Story 3 today with Connie and Danny. T'was excellent. Ate dinner at Skates on the Bay for Kimmy's birthday. T'was also excellent. I have no idea why I'm using t'was except that's the sound that comes to mind when I'm saying this in my head. Kinda like how I say okies whenever I'm talking to people I talk to online a lot. It sounds natural in my head.

- Maybe my mind will have a more focused topic next time. Too many other additional topics came up today, and I need to sleep.
(granted, half the topics above kinda appeared on the spot following something that I actually thought about today)

Last Thought

With regards to today and my neverending to-do list, I was rather inefficient. But people > my to-do list anyway.

~

So this morning... long train of thought, but let's just say I came across a series of both Christian apologetics and... *insert opposite word for apologetics* sites. Really interesting. And at the same time, kind of tiresome to read after a while. In the sense that it gets tiresome to read bad arguments and it also gets tiresome reading a lot of good arguments. Or just reading arguments in general. But anyway, to be honest, I'm not much of an philosophical thinker myself (or at least to the extent that some of these people go) - I tend to prefer more practical applications of thinking. But reading these sites did bring up something important to my mind.

Some people say that Christianity (or religion in general) is bad because they say it discourages people from thinking for themselves. If you deny what the religion says, you're automatically cast away from it, so don't think against it and just do it. Even if the doctrine doesn't necessarily say this explicitly, it is certainly reflected by the kinds of reactions that people in the religion have if you start expressing beliefs that go against it. It is definitely the way that religion has often been depicted in modern media. And a lot of people who have left Christianity have been even more hurt by the reaction and the attention that they've received for it.

What gets me is that I've always wanted to see things in reverse. That God gave me a mind to think for a reason, so I should be using it to think, even if it might lead to doubts and go against what is commonly accepted. That God gave me free will so I could choose whether or not to accept him. That if Christians really followed God's will, they wouldn't be judging people that choose not to follow God- that they would still be willing to go the extra distance and love them, NOT pity them or hate them. And not begrudgingly "love" people or simply accept that they exist, but to really be invested in those people. To be able to stay good friends even if we don't necessarily believe in the same things, you know?

Of course, this isn't what always happens in real life. It's really easy to take the concept of God wanting us to "be set apart from the rest of the world" as just another way to judge other people. To say that I shouldn't associate with you anymore because you're a dangerous influence. And so on. And then we start pushing our agenda on other people, saying that we're in the right because God is clearly on our side. And we start forming these bubbles around our lives, choosing to ignore the problems that happen in our backyards, because we're already experiencing a life that's better than that.

I think something I've been coming to realize a lot more lately is how much I don't really know. I don't know if "innocence" is the right term (and I really don't like it in this context), but there is so much I don't really know about issues. About other people's lifestyles, their circles. Oftentimes I feel like I'm too detached from the problems that plague my friends' lives: relationship issues, racism issues,  and I guess I can relate in some way to academic issues. But I have this tendency to start viewing things under a Christian lens- something I might have referenced before. That these issues don't seem as much of a big deal to me when you see the "big picture" and "realize" that they "don't really matter" compared to the bigger things that God's got planned.

But these really are issues that my friends are invested in or suffer from, and the more I hear about these issues, the more I start getting bothered by them. And then I start wondering, maybe God's trying to tell me something right now. Maybe I should start caring, maybe this is what it means to really be invested in people.

And then I have these moments where I start using this blanket concept of "being interested in people" as an excuse to listen to gossip. I hate it, because I know now that I'm just getting to the point where I'm turning other people's lives into sources of entertainment- and I mean it in a detached sort of way, like a tabloid magazine or something. Having all of these realizations just makes me want to shut myself into some hole and remove myself from the rest of the world, screaming "IT DOESN'T CONCERN ME" in my head repeatedly. I just feel guilty and ashamed of it.

Where do you draw the line being interested in people because you actually care about them, and being interested in them because they're just interesting for the moment? The more that I think about it, the more conscious that I feel of my own selfish interests. I say that I love people and I say that I care about them, but as one of my friends was so kind to point out, how often do I actually make it known through my own actions?

This train of thought didn't quite go the way I intended it to, but I guess I still have a lot of things to work out.