I don't know if this is the mark of me going crazy from midterms studying, but all of a sudden I find digital systems design fascinating. Hurray for latches and pipelining and configurable logic blocks!

Where did break go?

I think this is the first break in a long time where I've actually been productive... and didn't do anything on my entertainment to-do list. Which ironically, considering how many things I've been banning as of late, is turning into my not-to-do list. Or maybe I should call it the do-not-do list.

I feel tempted to add facebook and aimless internet browsing to the do-not-do list, but I actually kinda need the former for messages and contacting people, and it's really hard to control the latter... And besides, if I ban those, I'll have nothing left to do when I want to take breaks from work... Except get up and talk to people. OH YEAH.

But yeah, this break didn't feel like a break at all. Except for maybe the first half with the IV junior hangout, which was pretty awesome. I guess it's partly because I didn't actually do things I would normally do on a break... like play games or watch movies on my list.

Instead, I worked on a problem set, filled out a 7 page application, submitted resumes to several companies, had a much needed 2 hour quiet time session, finished reading Acts, got the car serviced, watched Alice in Wonderland with brother, played a really short session of tennis, and checked the news obsessively everyday. Half of which I would've tried to do were I still in school anyway. Aaand I still have another problem set and a project and two midterms to study for by this week.

Seriously, where did this break go? I need more time. -_-

How the heck is it already the end of March?

(

So today I finally discovered Lady Gaga. Or rather, finally made the connection between the artist name and all of those singles I keep everywhere lately. And I have to say, even though I don't think too much about the body of her work, her songs are freaking catchy. Like worse than Ryan trying to shove Disturbia into my head-catchy. And she's bizarre in a fascinating kind of way.

I think she's the first mainsteam artist I've actually liked in a long while. Like when I get past the immediate catchiness of her songs and whatnot, and actually look at her... I still like her. Her music's not exactly my favorite or anything, but I like her as an artist. And I like her style. And I like reading about her. Shrug.

I'm actually kinda surprised that Pitchfork rated her second album decently, or that they even rated it at all, considering Pitchfork isn't exactly a mainstream music site... but I guess that's how things are nowadays. After seeing a review of Joanna Newsom in People magazine, I don't know where the line is anymore.

The thing that gets me about mainstream songs is that there always a part or some aspect of the song that I don't particularly like. Lady Gaga's songs are no exception to this, but somehow the parts I do like really make up for it. To the point where I don't get sick of them as fast in comparison.
--

I went through another lost item scare yesterday when I attempted to pick up a bluetooth wireless earpiece from the cup holder in my car, accidentally pulling the earpiece part off of the bluetooth device part (long story. >_>)  and inadvertently dropping the bluetooth device without seeing where it fell. I then proceeded to spend a half hour frantically searching under both front seats, between both seats, behind both seats, and in front of both seats, without and then with a flashlight, getting my arm stuck under the driver's seat for about 30 seconds in one search. And to top it off, my body was freaking sore from running at the beach the day before, and I was dizzy with a headache from having just come back from the Six Flags trip.

I finally found the device inside the console, which I thought had been closed when I dropped the device. Seriously, though. I HATE LOSING THINGS. Especially right in front of my face.

Note to self:

I have this incessant habit for sleeping less than 5 hours on nights where I have an airplane flight the next day. I really want to watch a movie right now.

But I will sleep instead.

Good night!

Spring Break?

I don't think I've caught wind of the fact that it's spring break yet, except for the fact that my mind says I want to work while my body adamantly wants me to sleep/do anything but work. It didn't help that I anticlimactically spent almost all of today, the Friday before spring break, in CS lab. Or that Jon Kotker called me out as having nerd status for spending all of a Friday in lab. Greeeat. >_>

Ironically, the more time I spend in 150 lab, the more I actually start liking 150 in general. Which kinda resonates with my thinking that my classes here have actually conditioned me to like EE/CS-related stuff that I wouldn't have thought I liked a few years ago.

I still don't know entirely what I want to do. I kinda figured I'd be more of a high-level software kinda guy, except that I don't really have much knowledge of or experience with software development and I have been finding myself liking hardware-related stuff lately. But I still like software. And theory's kinda cool too, but I see myself more trying to figure out how to apply theory rather than get much deeper in it.

Some part of me wonders what it'd be like if I'd stuck with bio-physics-history-cog sci-psychology-film studies-japanese-american studies-english. And then another part of me wonders what if I'd tried math-stat-meche-bioe. But those have been becoming more afterthoughts the more that I think about them. I'm kinda glad the way things turned out, actually.

Now I just wish I had more time to do more EECS classes. >_>

People in CS150 lab are discussing how to grow weed.

I love CS150 lab.

+

Lately I've been oscillating between moments of wondering why I study the things I study, and then rehaving small moments where I realize that I actually like what I'm doing, once I actually get down to doing it. And then I start getting into those greedy moments where I start wishing I had more time to take this class and that class, and then I go, who am I kidding, I'd just be reliving this mental crisis all over again.

I am slowly forcing myself to at least be satisfied with what I have already done. What I have is good. And I wouldn't ask for any more, any less.

And there's always grad school. If I do get in anywhere, anyway.

HG/SS came out today.

[Johny and Ryan sitting at the dining table. I'm reading news on the futon.]
Ryan: Ooh!
Johny/Me: What?
Ryan: A timid Staryu!
Ryan: ...and it has Natural Cure!

This is the nature of the conversations in this apartment nowadays.

I LOST MY PENCIL AGAIN

Edit: It somehow wound up under Nick's desk. Meh.

Message in a Moffit Library Stall

you are beautiful as you are.

[posted next to "Reclaim March 4th!" and "OCCUPY EVERYTHING"]

Imitation of Life

(Caution, spoilers follow.)

In my film class this past week we watched a 1950's woman's picture/social problem/tear-jerker film called Imitation of Life. I just wanted to say that this is one of those films where the movie poster got me really excited to watch it for some odd reason (see: Shadow of a Doubt, my Vertigo wallpaper), except that in this case the movie didn't quite... reflect the poster? I kinda noticed this in the other promotional images for this movie as well; it kinda portrays this image of the movie being about Lana Turner's character turning into some kind of vain star who drives her friends and family away from her.

Technically this is somewhat true- except that Turner's character didn't strike me as obviously vain as the poster makes her look. She still loves her daughter and tries to become better and all. In reality, the main plot of the movie is undercut by its holy-crap-it-made-me-cry subplot, to which the bottom right corner of the poster is devoted. The subplot follows the light-complexioned daughter of Turner's black nanny, Sarah Jane Johnson, and her attempts to reject her cultural heritage and pass as a white girl in a pre-Civil Rights Movement world. Which causes a lot of grief and heartbreak for the girl's mother, to the extent that the scenes involving the two of them made my heart wither inside.

What got me the most was one of the last scenes where Annie (the nanny) says goodbye to her daughter.

Annie[hugging Sarah Jane]: Oh, Sarah Jane. Oh, my baby! My beautiful, beautiful baby!

Annie: I love you so much. Nothin' you ever do can stop that.

Something about that scene just... I dunno. Maybe it's just Annie's unconditional love for her daughter. That girl totally didn't deserve anything after how much she'd been a jerk to her mom the whole movie, but even after her daughter ran away from her and continued to reject her, Annie still chose to love her daughter, even though the whole process started to kill her from the inside...

It's kinda like the story of the Prodigal Son, now that I think about it. Except it doesn't quite end as well as the Prodigal Son does. What happens when the son comes home and there's no father there to welcome him back? That is Imitation of Life.

:(

One interesting thing my professor pointed out - if you want a measure of how... misogynistic? or male-centered? a movie is, look at how many female main characters it has, and if there's more than one, whether or not they interact with each other or if they just interact with the male characters. Something I never thought about before.

[In other news, I finally beat the damn user-tweaked Protoss AI! But now I suck at TerranvTerran. And I'm probably going to add SC2 to my game ban now.]

Shine.

 Mind fills with the thought

Love you till I caught

Fish in the sky

Impossible to fly

See you walk away

Why can't you stay and

Shine through the light

So my thoughts won't

Have to fight

For your love

Just to see you in me

Hurts too much

More Distractions

I am in awe at the epic-ness of the last... year's worth of One Piece (manga). Especially the last three weeks. Holy crap.

In other news, I started playing the Starcraft 2 Beta (the ONLY exception to my game ban, shush). Zerg have historically been my least favorite race, but for some reason I can't stop playing them right now... After the stupid user-tweaked Protoss AI obliterated me that first game, I've been stubbornly replaying as Zerg everytime only to get my ass handed to me by the same Protoss who can somehow rush zealots faster than I can make zerglings. It's not even worth it to rush zerglings anymore.

At least I can finally survive a Protoss ground assault if they don't attack within the first ten minutes... but then they keep finishing me off with carriers, and I have no good counter against them yet besides hydras which keep getting killed off too fast. I think I need to start investing in corruptors.

Okay back to work.

iCollect

Wow, it is getting to the point where I start feeling pressured to hurry up and post something before the day is over so I can keep up this everyday-post-trend. This isn't healthy.

At some point last week I was starting to hit this breaking point of panicking over missing deadlines and worrying about surviving next week, when midterm season two x project would start. Panicking led to mass periods of inaction followed by intense action followed by exhausted-ness. Except it turned out that my fears were slightly unnecessary, because now all of a sudden I have a lot more time than I estimated. Or I'm somehow discovering that fact by purposefully not working and later realizing how much more time I actually still have to finish things. And I still have time to reflect, I guess. Even though I really want to watch a movie right now.

Since I banned myself from (single-player) games, I have been finding myself more compulsively led to obsessively read about games and then obsess over finding new music and movies (not like I haven't already been doing those things...) rather than actually working. Neither of which is really that healthy. I feel like I'm turning into one of the people who obsess over collecting things without actually using those things the way they were meant to be used. Like the hobby of collecting itself is entertaining in itself, but sometimes it gets to the point where you realize that you really need to slow down and start enjoying things. I keep falling into this mindset of want to amass books and music and movies "to-do" in the future, and then never actually getting to do any of them because I spend the rest of my free time looking for more things to do. I am greedy like that. This is bad.

Maybe I should be Lent-ing from all single-person activities??? Or maybe I should stop trying to drive myself insane. I almost considered banning Wikipedia but that would be like committing suicide for me. I practically breathe wiki.

Sometimes I wish this blog's posts were more structured and organized. But then it wouldn't seem as honest.

Random Disjointed Thoughts

I tend to use a lot of vague terminology whenever I start writing my thoughts down. I make assumptions because I already know what my words actually mean in my head, but they probably don't make sense to other people. It's enough to the point that I don't like rereading the entries I've written in the past, because I'm a sucker for clean and concise writing with concrete examples.

I've been unintentionally writing a post here everyday this month. I don't really know why. It's somewhere straddling the borderline between obsessive blog checking and

I have a rather short attention span that gets even shorter when I'm walking. I have this tendency to be talking to God while walking, only to break off mid-sentence and forget that I was talking to God. And then I'll remember and forget what I was talking about. Which generally is what happens when I'm talking to anyone for an extended period of time.

I want... gah now I forgot what I was going to write. My head isn't really here right now, or else it's not speaking to me.

I like Beach House, but their songs seem to be more explicitly structured than the kind of dream pop that I'm used to, so I can't really listen to them for the same number of times that I can for other bands that rely more on just atmosphere. Although Beach House has a pretty good atmosphere I guess.

The rice in the rice cooker today was exceptionally sticky. I LOVE sticky rice.

~

So this morning... long train of thought, but let's just say I came across a series of both Christian apologetics and... *insert opposite word for apologetics* sites. Really interesting. And at the same time, kind of tiresome to read after a while. In the sense that it gets tiresome to read bad arguments and it also gets tiresome reading a lot of good arguments. Or just reading arguments in general. But anyway, to be honest, I'm not much of an philosophical thinker myself (or at least to the extent that some of these people go) - I tend to prefer more practical applications of thinking. But reading these sites did bring up something important to my mind.

Some people say that Christianity (or religion in general) is bad because they say it discourages people from thinking for themselves. If you deny what the religion says, you're automatically cast away from it, so don't think against it and just do it. Even if the doctrine doesn't necessarily say this explicitly, it is certainly reflected by the kinds of reactions that people in the religion have if you start expressing beliefs that go against it. It is definitely the way that religion has often been depicted in modern media. And a lot of people who have left Christianity have been even more hurt by the reaction and the attention that they've received for it.

What gets me is that I've always wanted to see things in reverse. That God gave me a mind to think for a reason, so I should be using it to think, even if it might lead to doubts and go against what is commonly accepted. That God gave me free will so I could choose whether or not to accept him. That if Christians really followed God's will, they wouldn't be judging people that choose not to follow God- that they would still be willing to go the extra distance and love them, NOT pity them or hate them. And not begrudgingly "love" people or simply accept that they exist, but to really be invested in those people. To be able to stay good friends even if we don't necessarily believe in the same things, you know?

Of course, this isn't what always happens in real life. It's really easy to take the concept of God wanting us to "be set apart from the rest of the world" as just another way to judge other people. To say that I shouldn't associate with you anymore because you're a dangerous influence. And so on. And then we start pushing our agenda on other people, saying that we're in the right because God is clearly on our side. And we start forming these bubbles around our lives, choosing to ignore the problems that happen in our backyards, because we're already experiencing a life that's better than that.

I think something I've been coming to realize a lot more lately is how much I don't really know. I don't know if "innocence" is the right term (and I really don't like it in this context), but there is so much I don't really know about issues. About other people's lifestyles, their circles. Oftentimes I feel like I'm too detached from the problems that plague my friends' lives: relationship issues, racism issues,  and I guess I can relate in some way to academic issues. But I have this tendency to start viewing things under a Christian lens- something I might have referenced before. That these issues don't seem as much of a big deal to me when you see the "big picture" and "realize" that they "don't really matter" compared to the bigger things that God's got planned.

But these really are issues that my friends are invested in or suffer from, and the more I hear about these issues, the more I start getting bothered by them. And then I start wondering, maybe God's trying to tell me something right now. Maybe I should start caring, maybe this is what it means to really be invested in people.

And then I have these moments where I start using this blanket concept of "being interested in people" as an excuse to listen to gossip. I hate it, because I know now that I'm just getting to the point where I'm turning other people's lives into sources of entertainment- and I mean it in a detached sort of way, like a tabloid magazine or something. Having all of these realizations just makes me want to shut myself into some hole and remove myself from the rest of the world, screaming "IT DOESN'T CONCERN ME" in my head repeatedly. I just feel guilty and ashamed of it.

Where do you draw the line being interested in people because you actually care about them, and being interested in them because they're just interesting for the moment? The more that I think about it, the more conscious that I feel of my own selfish interests. I say that I love people and I say that I care about them, but as one of my friends was so kind to point out, how often do I actually make it known through my own actions?

This train of thought didn't quite go the way I intended it to, but I guess I still have a lot of things to work out.

Ceremony

This is why events unnerve me
They find it all, a different story
Over time the wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asks is the strength to hold me
Making the same old story
Word will travel oh so quickly
Travel first and turn towards this time

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, these things she said
The times she cried
Too frail to wake this time

Oh I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever, forever
Watching love grow, forever
Letting me know, forever 

The thing that gets me about this song is the transient nature of its lyrics. I discovered this song on Galaxie 500's On Fire album, and found out that it was both not originally part of that album and a cover of a song by New Order that was originally composed when its members were still in Joy Division. The lead singer who composed this song, Ian Curtis, committed suicide two weeks after his first live performance of it, and none of the members of Joy Division could find his lyrics after his death so they had to rewrite parts of the first verse and chorus.

Which kinda gets me cause I really wanted to know what Ian wrote. As far as the song's meaning is concerned, most people seem to believe that it's related to the reason why he killed himself. His marriage was falling apart because of an affair he had had with another woman, and he'd been trying to convince his wife to stay with him. But the song isn't addressed to his wife; it's addressed to the woman he had the affair with. About his attempts to break out of this cyclical ceremony with that woman, who had caused his life to turn for the worst.

I'm listening to one of the live versions of the song recorded by Joy Division before Ian's death. The recording kinda sucks cause Ian's voice is so muffled that you can barely hear what he's saying, and some parts don't entirely sound like what the current lyrics are. What really gets me, though, is his voice. The music's optimistic and uplifting, but Ian's voice is mixed with contrasting feelings, almost like it's sad and hopeful at the same time? I don't know if I'm just hearing it because of what I already know and the fact that the recording is so bad, but it still gets me.

I know, this guy didn't exactly live the best life ever. But his work does say something about the ephemerality of music, of life, of love. Sadness.

I haven't really felt this way since finishing To the Lighthouse, which is kind of an odd book to relate to this when I think about it. But eh, I've made a lot of random connections in the past.

I hate losing things.

So as I was walking home from large group, I started having issues with my umbrella which was refusing to stay closed on me. So I unwrapped it for a second to investigate what was wrong, and of course it had to spring open in my face, knocking the mechanical pencil I was holding (why??? I have no idea.) out of my hand and into the nearby shrubbery.

Of course, nighttime + rather deep shrubbery = I LOST MY DAMN PENCIL.

I frantically tried to search for it for a while, and somehow was able to find a random blue pen sitting on top of a soft drink cup lid, but no pencil. And of course, I have a history of losing things and excessively panicking over the fact that I lose things. But for once, I just let it go. It's just a mechanical pencil anyway.

But I still miss it. ;_;

(and also, my umbrella's now broken to the extent that it doesn't close anymore. great.)

Procrastination!

Favorite Game Openings:
Chrono Cross
Planescape: Torment
Final Fantasy Tactics
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars
Xenogears
Hotel Dusk 
Persona 4
Final Fantasy VII
Day of the Tentacle
Digital Devil Saga 2
Umineko Chiru
Mario Party 2
Radical Dreamers
Final Fantasy VI
Secret of Monkey Island
The Sims 2
Sam and Max Hit the Road
System Shock 2
Ever17 ~ Out of Infinity
Final Fantasy XII (this mainly applies to the first couple of minutes... it's too long -_-)

Favorite Game Start Menus:
Chrono Cross
Starcraft
Chrono Trigger
Kingdom Hearts
Planescape: Torment
Golden Sun: The Lost Age
Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers
Mario Kart 64
Fate/stay night
Halo 3
Valkyrie Profile
Final Fantasy IX
Pokemon
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Paper Mario
The Longest Journey
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
Banjo Tooie

These Game Openings Make Me Laugh:
Baten Kaitos
Resident Evil 1
Xenogears

Why is it already 1:40??? -_____-

The theme of this week is discipline!

I think I am going to pull the ban on games starting now, because I REALLY NEED IT right now.

Although I actually didn't play any games today, and was actually productive for most of the day minus the few internet distraction breaks I took between stuff and then the last couple of hours. But of course, it still wasn't enough.

I kinda want to check out the protests going into Oakland tomorrow, but CS150 project + CS150 HW + CS150 MORE HW + my other project + the 5 weeks of readings I'm behind on + the deadlines I've been neglecting + the fact that I am going to have no life in two weeks say otherwise. Why is there never enough time in the day? -_-

Addendum: I think I need to start appreciating silence more.

SC2 Obsessed

If there were shipping fandoms in Starcraft (which there probably are... I'm just too lazy/scared to bother to look them up), I'd probably be a RaynorxKerrigan. Except going by the example of typical shipper fandoms it'd probably be called RayKay or Kaynor or Rerrigan.

... It doesn't work as well for non-Japanese names. >_>

As usual, I finally find the time to catch up on work that's been pushed back for a while, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I've somehow gotten to the point where I can't even play games anymore without a guilty conscience, so instead I wind up just sitting here listening to music. Which isn't so bad, I guess, but the stubborn multitasker in me demands that I be doing something while listening to music. So I guess I resort to this.

 I am having one of those moments that is not expressible in words.

Lalalala

I really should be doing my shot analysis paper right now.

Okay, I'll do it.