a reminder

How easy it is for one negative thought to turn into a downpour of cynicism. All of a sudden, every little thing you see turns into a possible source of negativity, and those negative thoughts turn into anxieties that you can't get over. Things that could be taken as miscommunication turn into slights against you; slights against you turn into attacks on your character; attacks on your character turn into feelings of self pity and loathing and wondering why you couldn't be better, and any attempts to think positively otherwise just strike you as shallow and naive. All those little activities you took on to busy yourself and make do with time become meaningless, because you were just doing them to forget about everything that's wrong with your life, to get by.

And of course, you know that what you're thinking is wrong; you just can't see why that is because your mind is so clouded with all of this bullshit. You forget the lessons you thought you had already learned in the spur of the moment, and you end up doing something rash that you regret later or just repeat the same mistakes, the same motions you've been making over and over and over again.

You forget how much you've been blessed. How lucky you are to have what you have right now, to have someone you can talk to. How quickly you take such a common thing for granted... you realize after seeing what happens to a person who hasn't even that.

Just remember that you are beloved. And there's nothing shallow or naive about that.

on social anxiety

I don't think I've ever felt more lonely than in the presence of other people.

That's to say, if worrying about what other people were doing or how my life might look to other people weren't an issue, then I would feel perfectly fine being alone (and in the presence of people) a lot more often. Most of the time I feel relieved when I get the chance to finally be alone for once. Or at least, not noticed... which is part of the reason why I feel the subconscious desire to hide whenever I see someone I recognize in public.

But it's there. That pressure to conform to social standards. I feel uncomfortable in the presence of other people a lot (at parties, at a club, and so on) because I get reminded of how out of touch I feel with the lifestyles of other people. How different it is to be a guy that dislikes small talk, isn't interested in following sports, prefers not to drink as much, finds interest in a lot of random things that no one else knows about, and doesn't have a significant other (and then get pressured by everyone to get one already...). I feel tempted to think that if I could only change at least one of those things, then fitting in would be so much easier.

But it's never that simple. You can't just change who you are like that... especially when you really don't want to change to begin with. 

And then there's the stupid little things you do to make up for it. Latch on to the closest legitimate excuse you can find for why you seem to not be enjoying yourself, in order to make others worry as little as possible. [A headache from either sleeping too much or not sleeping enough; finding yourself unable to talk to anyone because you had one drink too many (of two drinks); getting food poisoning last night and still feeling queasy today. All of which, while being true, aren't really able to mask the fact that even if these excuses didn't exist, I wouldn't be acting that much different. Although I guess I would be trying a little harder to socialize otherwise.] Stare at the television screen because that's what a good chunk of people happen to be staring at, only you're not paying attention to whatever's playing because it takes too much energy to try and pay attention to something you aren't that interested in. Play with your phone only to realize that nothing on it really interests you on it right now and you're just fumbling with the screens to pass time. Watch other people because they're pretty entertaining... only if people noticed that you were watching them they'd think it was creepy. >_>

And on the other side of things, there's that internal voice that wonders how things got this way. Whether something is just fundamentally wrong with you mentally. 

It's strange to think that there was a time in elementary school when I wasn't friends with anyone in my class, and I felt perfectly fine being that way. Life was so much simpler without having to worry about how other people perceived you. But it's something you have to figure out how to deal with eventually anyway.

Heavy Rain

Lately I've been getting more into watching games (particularly let's plays from the Let's Play Archive - I love this site) rather than playing them... or more specifically watching games that I usually wouldn't play anyway but still find interesting enough to watch. I finished a LP of Heavy Rain [PS3] last night - which isn't so much of a game so much as it is a long interactive movie, so it winds up being more entertaining to watch anyway.

The premise is basically that it follows four characters each searching separately for the identity of a child serial killer known as the Origami Killer, and it plays out like watching a psychological thriller movie except that you control whether or not the characters succeed in finding the killer through quick-time-events and exploration and whatnot (and I'm not really a fan of quicktime events, hence I'm watching instead). The game was critically acclaimed when it came out, but in light of rather pretentious statements the director has made, not to mention the poor scene direction, the voice acting, and the writing in the game, it's gotten quite a bit of a backlash from the online community. I remember Harrison telling me awhile back not to bother playing it, although to be honest, it's quite entertaining to watch the game while it's being made fun of, cause there's a lot of ridiculous things about it.

Random things that stood out to me while watching:

- The game makes you play through a lot of mundane real life scenes... almost like The Sims, except you have to actually control your character to make them do things like pee (holy crap how many scenes are there of someone peeing in this game), tie a man's tie, and at one point, change a baby's diaper. Evidently, everyday life is more complicated to handle in a video game than it looks.

- Every time the Origami Killer murders a victim, it's by trapping them under a grate and making them drown under 4 days of heavy rain, if no one is able to find the victim (and hence the title). Realistically though, a serial killer who can only kill based off the whims of the weather? How often do you get 4 consecutive days of rain consistently enough to drown a person anyway? And how does the killer drain the grate for reuse? o_o

- The psychiatrist in this game refers to dissociative identity disorder as schizophrenia multiple times. THEY AREN'T THE SAME THING. Ugh.

- The one female lead character (Madison) kind of contributes to the whole argument about women being marginalized in video games, considering that it seems like she's the only one constantly getting trapped in rooms and assaulted by a stream of manically laughing male sexist serial killer psychopaths (the taxidermist, the doctor, the club owner, the origami killer, rapist ninjas- I mean imaginary apartment burglars. no seriously, you have to play through a pointless dream sequence involving them in her intro).

Madison also gets a scene where the player has to help her make herself look slutty and then dance provocatively in front of the club owner in order to get information from him. And then she ends up stripping in front of him... that is, if the player isn't smart enough to have her knock him out with a lamp in time. These scenes just play out like they're enacting some weird creepy fetish of the game director.

- Not to mention, if the player makes the wrong choices, then Madison ends up exemplifying the stereotype of the incompetent female.

*Madison finds Ethan with cuts and bruises after escaping a car crash*

Madison: Here, take this. It'll help bring down the fever.

Ethan: ...but I'm not running a fever.

*minutes later*

Madison: Here, take this. It'll do you some good. It's an antibiotic.

Ethan: An antibiotic? I'm no doctor, but I don't think there's any risk of infection with a broken rib.

*in a later scene. Ethan screams*

Madison: Sorry, I'm stupid, I'm using anti-burn ointment on your cuts!

-__-

- Failing quicktime events is actually kind of amusing. The best part of this fail clip is the live chickens at the end.

fear of becoming irrelevent

When you don't share much in common with your peers, have nothing to say to them, or just can't fit in. and it stirs up that fear that perhaps something is wrong with you.

I feel like part of the reason I stick/stuck around Christian community is because it didn't seem as hard to fit in compared to other communities I could've found. But of course, that wasn't really the case. I just take a long time to adapt to people in general. I can barely think of anyone that I've hit things off with right away - all of the people I'm closer to, I'd known for a while before really... knowing them well.

Now that I think about it, I remember saying something along these lines in a previous post on this blog. Oh, back in... 2007. Funny how things don't change much.

Ironically, I feel inclined to not want to hang out with large groups of people who have the same interests as me too much. One on one's are okay, but more than that and it starts to feel too homogenized. Or I guess I hate getting lumped with categories of people, even though there is some basis for it.