Musical List Update

Seen Live:

Phantom
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Miss Saigon
Forbidden Broadway: Special Victims Unit
Sweeney Todd
Jesus Christ Superstar
A Chorus Line
Spring Awakening
Wicked

I want to be more sincere about my personal thoughts - to really mean what I say. and to be able to accept things for the way they are. and be thankful for it.

---

and HOLY CRAP Dorian Gray just murdered someone.

Why is it that whenever I'm in the middle of a social situation, I feel anti-social, and yet when I finally have a chance to do anti-social things I feel social?

Currently reading The Picture of Dorian Gray (not Portrait). Dorian Gray's an okay guy turned into a jackass, Lord Henry's more of an ass for causing this to happen but kinda hilarious at the same time, and Basil Hallward's just the sad onlooker of things.

I should just call this the list blog.

Last Exile
Ergo Proxy
Beck

To Do:

Bio:
- webcast Monday
- review for 1AL midterm

Physics:
- read/notes for ch 30-31
- review Midterm 2

EE:
- webcast last Thurs, today
- lab independent section
- review Midterm 2

CS:
- read ch. 10, 11, 12
- do last week's lab
- project 3

Maybe I am overwhelming myself.

I wish I were more efficient at everything.

Keeping track.

Ode to Kirihito
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
Hanaotoko
The World is Mine
Sexy Voice and Robo
Me and the Devil Blues
Planetes
Ryuguden
20th Century Boys
Parasyte

The Godfather
It's a Wonderful Life
Singin' in the Rain
Chinatown
The Philadelphia Story
Princess Mononoke
Rope
Memento
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

Ever17
Tsukihime
Fate/stay night (2/3 routes)
Umineko no Naku Koro ni ep 1-2

HAH!

Fall 07
Chem 1A - General Chemistry
Math 1B - Calculus
Psych 1 - General Psychology
Slavic R5B - Reading and Composition

Spring 08
Chem 3A - Chemical Structure and Reactivity
Chem 3AL - Organic Chemistry Lab
Math 54 - Linear Algebra and Differential Equations
Physics 7A - Mechanics and Wave Motion
Poli Sci 2 - Introduction to Comparative Politics
Comp Sci 3S - Introduction to Symbolic Programming

Summer 08
Math 53 - Multivariable Calculus
Comp Sci 61A - The Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs

Fall 08
Comp Sci 61B - Data Structures
EE 20N - Structure and Interpretation of Systems and Signals
Physics 7B - Thermodynamics, Electricity and Magnetism
Bio 1A - General Biology Lecture
Bio 1AL - General Biology Lab

Spring 09
Comp Sci 61CL - Machine Structures
Comp Sci 70 - Discrete Mathematics and Probability Theory
Chem 3B - Chemical Structure and Reactivity
Chem 3BL - Organic Chemistry Lab
Slavic 133 - The European Novel

Summer 09
EE 40 - Introduction to Microelectronic Circuits
Cog Sci c101 - The Mind and Language

Fall 09
Comp Sci 162 - Operating Systems and System Programming
Comp Sci 170 - Efficient Algorithms and Intractable Problems
MCB 102 - Survey of the Principles of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology
Japan 1A - Elementary Japanese

Spring 10
Comp Sci 150 - Components and Design Techniques for Digital Systems
Comp Sci 172 - Computability and Complexity
MCB C160 - Introduction to Neurobiology
Japan 1B - Elementary Japanese

Summer 10
Engineering 190 - Technical Communication
Math 110 - Linear Algebra

Fall 10
Comp Sci 184 - Foundations of Computer Graphics
Comp Sci 188 - Introduction to Artificial Intelligence
Anthro 160AC - Forms of Folklore
Japan 10A - Intermediate Japanese

Spring 10
Comp Sci 164 - Programming Languages and Compilers
EE 120 - Signals and Systems
History 118C - Empire and Alienation in 20th Century Japan
Japan 10B - Intermediate Japanese

Insert Whenever:

UCBUGG
Gamescrafters
Storytelling and Characterization in Video Games
Yongmudo

Reserve:
Bio 1B - General Biology
Psych C129 - Scientific Approaches to Consciousness
Philosophy 132 - Philosophy of Mind
Econ 100A - Economic Analysis - Micro

I should probably keep track of this.

Honoré de Balzac, Père Goriot (1835)
G. K. Chersterton, The Man Who Was Thursday (1908)
Andrey Bely, Petersburg (1916)

Japan - language
Russia - 19th century
China - premodern
Modernism - any
Europe - intellectual movement (French/German)
Classics - mythology
Music - musicianship/western
Psych - cognitive
Biology - neurobiology
Computer Science - graphics/ai/os
Electrical Engineering - signals and systems
Physics - quantum/relativity
Math - whatever fits the situation

Weekend Lull

Gee, this was the perfect weekend for fan translations to come out.

New to play list:

Mother 3
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Umineko No Naku Koro Ni: Turn of the Golden Witch (ep 2)
Ben Jordan Ep: 1-7
Secret of Monkey Island
Maupiti Island

And the original list:

Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers
Earthbound
Sam and Max Hit the Road
Tales of the Abyss
Planescape: Torment
Seiken Densetsu 3
Persona 3
Final Fantasy XII
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
The Last Express

The others can wait for now.

Reading List:
The Brothers Karamazov (yes, STILL)
Matters of the Mind

Dream Recap

Time to recap a dream that happened awhile back!

This happened one day last semester while I was taking a nap.

- So I'm sitting in Pimentel watching a lecture (I suppose Chem 3AL cause that was the only lecture I had that semester in that building) and Josh Kim from elementary school is there also. He offers to drive me home (uhh my dorm was a block from campus) so I agree to it.

- Apparently Josh's car happens to be a Super Shuttle cause he's interning as a Super Shuttle driver on the side, so I have to sit in the back seat and wait for him to drop off a bunch of random passengers first while a instructor sitting in the front passenger's seat continues to criticize and yell at home.

- At one point in the driving we drive through this tunnel and right before we get out, we get stopped by this sentry officer at the end who tells us that we can't pass through because we didn't drive backwards through the tunnel. So we take a detour that forces us to drive through the tunnel again, only this time backwards.

- The sentry man stops us again, telling us that we didn't start driving backwards through the tunnel EARLY enough, and throws us (or rather, me, cause Josh and the instructor guy kinda disappears from the dream at this point) into a large prison room in the side of the tunnel.

- Inside the prison cell are a bunch of Middle Eastern women with pickets yelling "HOW WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW TO DRIVE BACKWARDS???" and so on, and the other guards in the cell telling them to shut up.

- One of the women goes crazy, grabs a giant stone and hurls it at one of the guard's heads, knocking him out. This drives all of the other women to start attacking the other guards and chaos ensues. More guards come into the room with guns but the women are unfazed and knock them out before they can shoot.

- Meanwhile, I'm climbing one of the walls like a rock climber and peer through the little barred alcove at the top, where I can see a giant crowd of people protesting for our release from this prison. I take out some tools out of nowhere and start removing random blocks from the wall, trying to fit my head through their spaces but to no avail.

- Finally, one works and I free myself outside, in the process causing the wall to collapse and thereby freeing the rest of the women. Everyone outside is happy and stuff... and I'm floating about 30 feet in midair since I never actually fell downward from the wall.

- From my vantage point I can see several of the prison guards come to themselves and gathering weapons, causing a new wall to emerge from the ground that encloses the now even bigger crowd. I take out a sniper rifle (wtf?) and start picking off the guards from the ground, while they can't even tell where the shots are coming from cause they don't think of looking up 30 ft in the air.

- The crowd works together to scale this new wall, and at the top realize that there are 8 more walls to progress through, each successively shorter than the rest. However, with each shorter wall there are taller tidal waves continuously plowing at us, but I manage to float over those anyway.

- Past the eighth wall I'm the only one out, and I'm at some fountain just outside of Sea World. I meet a friend (forget who) who I was supposed to meet before my little escapade, who tasks me to capture this thief or something from the streets of Paris, France.

- I find myself floating in the sky in Paris, and I see the target on the ground. I cast my hand out at him and cause the lights to turn off in the area, or effectively creating shadows or black holes in the ground. I try to "catch" the guy as he runs around using my "shadow" power for a while, and then I wake up.

Fin.

Weird Dream Update

Soo I had this rather weird dream last night that was sort of based off of today (mainly cause of Evelyn's surprise birthday celebration being today). Highlights:

- Ryan somehow figures into the dream where he and I have this discussion about superpowers... cause apparently he has real powers and I have imaginary ones. Or something like that. I don't remember where exactly this took place in the context of the rest of the dream.

- Starting from the part I remember, I go to my summer school CS class today which has somehow relocated to 155 Dwinelle, and the main topic of the day is quantum mechanics in the context of astrophysics (and a bunch of people from my EE 20 class are there). Evelyn for some reason has to leave early (although I know the real reason is because her other friend who happens to be there is trying to get her to go to her surprise celebration in Memorial Glade). I see her off because I want to see more of the class discussion but plan to get to the celebration late.

- Ankur somehow IMs me in the middle of class (although I don't think we've formally talked... much) about how I haven't gotten to the celebration yet as it's already started (I don't know how this would be happening because I doubt they'd have AIM running in the middle of Memorial Glade). Miki then IMs me about how since I apparently am not at the celebration, I have to go to lunch with her as promised.

- I leave class a half hour early and arrive home (literally outside my HB house, although apparently this is the analog of our apartment cause everyone else is there). Jade, Miki, and Olivia greet me outside the garage and Miki tries to get me to follow up on the promise of going to lunch but I brush it off sort of cause I still am planning to go to the celebration + dinner and if I go to lunch now I'll be full cause I just had lunch earlier at like 2. (this ties back into some earlier moment in the dream involving Miki, Loong, Spiderman and... pasta? I guess this is where the part with Loong's and my superpowers came from). I'm about to close the garage but I stop because Jade's thumb happens to be right where the garage would shut and I don't want to smash it but she's not letting go...?

- Elan comes out (I can see Amir in the doorway) and forces Jade, Miki, and Olivia to chant "We are three blind mice! We are three blind mice! We are three blind mice!" repeatedly because they apparently lost some bet involving Smash. and when they think they're done Amir forces them to start again. Just by saying something.

- insert me having a random clairvoyant flash of the current FB floor 2 + Alan eating at pasta restaurant... cause pasta apparently is a recurring motif in this dream. I see an empty spot at the table and wonder where Leslie is, and turns out she's hiding under the table because she feels like it.

- Somewhere after this Miki gets kidnapped by my Math 1B professor, or someone who looks suspiciously like him. I honestly don't remember who is trying to save her here, but that person gets ahold of a gun and points it at him, and then "theoretically" shoots him (you basically make a shooting noise with your mouth while the gun is pointed); my professor interprets it as a miss and confiscates the gun from him, waving it around threateningly.

- insert some wild goose chase for another weapon. Oh and technically Miki could have escaped from the kidnapper at any point if she felt like it, because this was apparently a staged or voluntary kidnapping on Miki's part.

- Rescuer comes back to face my professor with another gun, and they have a theoretical gun shooting standoff where each takes turns pointing the gun and making the shooting sound, and whenever my professor does his part of the turn the rescuer has to point the gun at his head and pretend to shoot himself also. Every so often the kidnapper also pretends to shoot Miki, and Miki just sits there complacently.

- This escalates to the point where suddenly he accidently shoots Miki in the chest for real, and she clutches it cause blood is coming out of the wound. This makes the rescuer so mad that he grabs a chisel and hammer and hammers it right into my professor's body, and then finishes it off with a hammer smack at the guy's leg. Then he grabs the bullet (which now looks like the chisel he just hammered into my professor) out of Miki and is ready to take her to the hospital.

- I wake up and it's only 8:30 AM.

Fin.

De facto Dream Journal?

Sooo after having a discussion about dreams last night (and my apparently recent incapability to remember any of them), I decided to chronicle these three dreams that I suddenly happened to remember from last night and the night before and the night before that.

1. The part I remember started off around Wheeler Hall at say midnight, and I had to leave for a final that happened to be somewhere on campus in the outdoors at that hour. I was a bit scared of the fact that it was nighttime in Berkeley, but they were forcing us to take this final anyway, so I walked off with a small group of people... and don't remember much of what happened along the way.

When I got there, I was greeted by my first grade teacher who promptly gave us an essay prompt for Stat 130 that required us to analyze the interaction between giant ants and the ecosystems that they invaded. And I started stressing out after reaching the halfway mark of the exam (45 minutes) and only having an intro paragraph done, as is usual with me and in class essays. Cue wake up signal.

2. Johny and I both work as photographers for some random organization/newspaper and randomly happen to be at the Republican National Convention (which decided to reconvene again outside a two story mansion in the middle of the Antebellum South). Partway through the convention the base of the mansion explodes, somehow causing the rest of the house above it to simply drop one story, but at the same time causing everyone else at the convention to panic and start running around everywhere. Johny decides to run into the middle of the chaos and start taking pictures while Miki, Nathan, and I wait for him a bit of a distance away at a fountain, looking bored dejected at the same time cause random explosions apparently don't mean anything to us.

3. Someone comes up to me while I'm at my elementary school daycare and tells me that Melissa randomly died while lifting weights. And then I wake up.

I seem to live off of the stress of impending deadlines. aka masochist.

The Devil Blues

So the story's got 8 main characters. Maybe a couple more join later on, but it's primarily these eight that the world revolves around. These people have a gift- something akin to what the Dark Person told April in TLJ- the power to create ripples in space. Living Wave Existences. As such, they are naturally drawn to each other whenever they meet. And shit happens.

The original 8 are

1.
- male, main character
- brother of 8.
2.
- female
3.
- male, appears youngest
- resembles younger brother of 1. and 8.
- talking skeleton
4.
- male, werewolf
5.
- female, knight
- lightning
6.
- male, freelance
- water
7. Olivia Nico
- female, criminal
8. Cassandra
- female
- sister of 1.
- fire

Others
9.
- male, earth
10.
- female, cyborg

Okay, so I got lazy and neglected to add the other ? names on the list. Well they're all cemented in my head anyway.

Tilde

It's quiet.

Schedule Frenzy

Electrical Engineering and Computer Science
- Computer Systems/Science Emphases
- preparation for something Bio related? possibly computational and systems biology.

Fall 07
Chem 1A - General Chemistry - 4 - A
Math 1B - Calculus - 4 - A-
Psych 1 - General Psychology - 3 - A
Slavic R5B - Reading and Composition - 4 - A

Spring 08
Chem 3A/3AL - Chemical Structure and Reactivity - 5 - A-/A+
Physics 7A - Physics for Scientists and Engineers - 4 - A
Math 54 - Linear Algebra and Differential Equations - 4 - B-
Poli Sci 2 - Comparative Politics - 4 - A-
CS 3S - Introduction to Symbolic Programming - 2 - A

Summer 08
CS 61A - The Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs - 4 - A+
Math 53 - Multivariable Calculus - 4 - A-

Fall 08
CS 61B - Data Structures - 4
EE 20N - Structure and Interpretation of Systems and Signals - 4
Bio 1A/1AL - General Biology - 5
Physics 7B - Physics For Scientists and Engineers - 4

Spring 09
CS 61C - Machine Structures - 4
EE 40 - Introduction to Microelectronic Circuits - 4
Chem 3B/3BL - Chemical Structure and Reactivity - 5
CS 70 - Discrete Mathematics and Probability Theory - 4

Summer 09
Music 20A - Basic Musicianship - 2
Bio 1B - General Biology - 4
English 135AC - Literature of American Cultures - 4

Fall 09
CS 162 - Operating Systems and System Programming - 4
MCB c100A - Biophysical Chemistry - 4
Philosophy 132 - Philosophy of Mind - 4
Japanese 1A - Elementary Japanese - 5

Spring 10
CS 150 - Components and Design Techniques for Digital Systems - 5
CS 170 - Efficient Algorithms and Intractable Problems - 4
History 163A - European Intellectual History from the Enlightenment to 1870 - 4
Japanese 1B - Elementary Japanese - 5

Summer 10
E 190 - Technical Communication - 3
Classics 28 - The Classic Myths - 4

Fall 10
CS 152 - Computer Architecture and Engineering - 5 or MCB 100B - Survey of Biochemistry - 3
EE 120 - Signals and Systems - 4
Psych 127 - Cognitive Neuroscience - 3
Japanese 10A - Intermediate Japanese - 5

Spring 11
CS 164 - Programming Languages and Compilers - 4
CS 188 - Introduction to Artificial Intelligence - 4
Econ 115 - The World Economy in the 20th Century - 4
Japanese 10B - Intermediate Japanese - 5

Others I might be interested in?:
EE 141 - Introduction to Digital Integrated Circuits - 4
Stat 134 - Concepts of Probability - 3
Music 27 - Introduction to Western Music - 4
CS 169 - Software Engineering - 4 - only if I really need this...
History 106A/B - The Roman Republic/Empire - 4 - with Norena
Some other EE course if my interest widens
Math 110 - Linear Algebra - 4
E45 - Properties of Materials - 3
Cs 184 - Foundations of Computer Graphics - 4

Starting today I'll work till I drop. Or at least get the chance to improve my math grade. Sigh.

I need to focus more.

Listicle

Started but not finished: (this list is depressing)

Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers
The Last Express
Persona 3
Final Fantasy XII
Sam and Max Hit the Road
Planescape: Torment
Suikoden I
Suikoden II
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Front Mission DS
Seiken Densetsu 3
Trauma Center: Under the Knife
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Final Fantasy IV
Dragon Quest VIII
Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen
Tactics Ogre
Pokemon Diamond
Tales of the Abyss
Secret of Mana
Earthbound
Shining Force
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Vagrant Story
Fire Emblem: Sword of Seals
Freespace
Disgaea
Final Fantasy V
Final Fantasy I
Tenchi Muyo RPG
Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Serrated Scalpel
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Super Mario World
Super Mario Bros. 2
Super Mario Bros. 3

Interested:
Chrono Trigger DS
Dreamfall Chapters
Homeworld
Still Life
I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream
Sanitarium
Baldur's Gate 2
A Mind Forever Voyaging
Time Hollow
Star Ocean 2
Shining Force 2
Mass Effect
Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars
Sam and Max Season 1 and 2
Tex Murphy: The Pandora Detective
Gabriel Knight: The Beast Within
Turnabout Prosecutor
The Secret of Monkey Island
Full Throttle
Blackstone Chronicles
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Kingdom Hearts 2: Final Mix + (and Re:CoM)
Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep
Kingdom Hearts: 365/2 Days (I guess >_>)

why math why

go won't you go
why is nobody listening
goodbye
go and cry
at some other person's wake
if you're quick
for a kick
you can pick up a christening
but please on my knees
there's a human life at stake

stresscompressdepressgodbless

(cons musicals lists)

I almost forgot about this list.

Musicals!

Live:
Phantom
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Miss Saigon
Forbidden Broadway: Special Victims Unit
Sweeney Todd
Jesus Christ Superstar
A Chorus Line
Spring Awakening

Video/Online:
The Sound of Music
Grease
Annie
Phantom of the Opera
Avenue Q
Sweeney Todd
My Fair Lady

Want to See:
Company
Spamelot
Wicked

and not a musical but awesome nonetheless:

Lend Me a Tenor

BLUE!

I seem to have a random obsession with green characters.

Frog - Chrono Trigger
Gale - Digital Devil Saga
Yoshi - Mario games
Kermit the Frog - The Muppets
Luigi - Also Mario games
The Lizard - Spiderman
Uh... Green Tentacle? - Day of the Tentacle >_>

Iay eednay leepsay onighttay.

I should probably hurry up and do something worthwhile with my life.

...well after today anyway.

DARK KNIGHT TONIGHT.

Math is depressing.

Update! sorta.

EDIT: Update 2!

Listed:
The Brothers Karamazov
Sam and Max Hit the Road
Persona 3
Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers
Planescape: Torment
Earthbound
Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria - finished!
Final Fantasy XII

Queued:
Suikoden II
I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream
Baldur's Gate II
The Last Express
Dragon Quest VIII

Wanted:
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 1+2 (of course now when it's the one game I happened to leave at home...)
Kingdom Hearts 2: Final Mix + (blagh stupid Square, take a lesson from Atlus already)
Mother 3
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Chrono Trigger DS

Not as much:
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Heaven's Feel

Finished:
The Other Boelyn Girl - Henry VIII is so soap opera material.
Hancock - asshole.
My Fair Lady - the raaaain in spaaaain falls clearly on the plaaaain.
It's a Wonderful Life (as implied by last entry)
Wanted
The Longest Journey
Grim Fandango (Woot! Two games in a week! This never happens.)
The Philadelphia Story - my god this movie is awesome.
Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria (WOOT! Three games in a week! I'm on a roll, finally.)
Rear Window - creeeeeeepy. moreso than Disturbia.
Fantasia 2000 - eh, the original was better. But I have to say that Donald Duck is my favorite Disney character of all time (well everybody loves Mickey :P).
The Dark Knight - AWESOMENESS
Matilda - this movie fulfills some long lost childhood fantasy of mine to have psychic powers. too bad now it's all about changing states of matter. :D
Anatomy of a Murder -good stuff.
Fargo - the mix of irony and disgusting elements in this movie... woooow.
Rope - reminds me of Crime and Punishment! and <3 Jimmy Stewart. Ending scene was intense.
Dreamfall: The Longest Journey - Probably one of my favorite game stories in a while (since TLJ and Grim Fandango anyway) although the massive number of cliffhanger elements is excruciating to the point of aaaaaaaahaa[=s-gdh. Hurry up and make Dreamfall Chapters already!

It's A Wonderful Life makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I kinda wish real life were that way. But at the same time you kinda have to appreciate real life's tragedies for what they are, I guess. People can't live without them.

With that said, George Bailey. Good man.

The Velvet Room

Procrastination is the shit.

Everything's a facade!

This was written a week ago but it felt oddly misplaced where it was so I decided to move it. Not to mention semi-emotional.

"I wish I felt more motivated to act the way I know I should act. To believe what I say I believe. I see the positive people around me - particularly Jason and Ryan, and the way they've been able to change other people just by their good nature and faith. They see the world in a positive light - perhaps you could say in a naive manner (I'd say Jason's one of the most "WHOOSH" people I've ever met in my life- but sometimes I really do wonder if he really does notice some things and prefers not to say anything about them - like about the kind of person I am... He'll probably have a better time being roommates with his church friends), but in such a way that people like me can't help but just love them for being who they are. But at the same time, I feel like I could never live up to those same standards - like it's in my nature to be critical of the way things are. And to worry about how close I am with other people. And to neglect my responsibilities by playing video games and reading high-minded books all day."

Oh oh and a revised to-do list (non-academic, that is):

Top:
Brothers Karamazov
The Longest Journey
Persona 3
Earthbound

Middle:
Hanaotoko
Grim Fandango
Planescape: Torment
Valkyrie Profile 2
Final Fantasy XII
Alice in Wonderland and probably Through the Looking Glass
Uh... one of the 40+ movies on my hard drive

Bottom:
Everything else

Waiting:
Usual manga stuff
Code Geass R2
Mother 3
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Heaven's Feel

Back to vector calculus!

Did I say before that I feel like Ivan Karamazov sometimes? Well I finally got back into reading The Brothers Karamazov again this weekend (incidentally because Jade and Olivia were reading books. but I'd meaning to do this for a heck of a long time anyway) and after reading about Ivan's "poem"/excuse for a philosophical rant about probably one of the largest problems with religion today (or across history, evidently, since Dostoevsky lived a century and a half ago) about the Grand Inquisitor, I can't help but empathize with him.

Ivan's stuck in a pithole because he wants to be able to believe in the natural goodness of people, but whenever he meets people in real life, all he can see is their bad qualities. He doesn't think people are capable of meeting up to the expectations that God has for them as believers- that, given the choice of free will, they are more inclined to give in to anything that can provide for their basic secular needs first, as it is in their wretched, doubtful, and "rebellious" nature to do so (see: Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden). Besides, after all, it's difficult for people who are naturally skeptical to try and follow the words of someone who hasn't shown themselves in the flesh for over 2 millenia. Thus, organized religion exists to fill in that gap: to give them something more physically tangible to follow, even if it happens to be a heavily flawed interpretation of Christ's original words. The one sided discourse between the Grand Inquisitor and Jesus (who remains conspicuously silent for most of the story) in a way is also illustrative of how things are today. As the Inquisitor says, there's no need for Jesus to come again - the best he can do now is to further torment man with more impossible and unrealistic burdens, as if the basic tenets of Christianity weren't impossible enough. How could a man possibly live up to such ideals when his faith must be tried each day by the constant suffering that exists in the world - and after seeing what terrible acts he himself is capable of? (well, considering the fact that Ivan's father is a lecher that likes to host orgies in his house in front of his crazed mother... or that he gets murdered in an even more despicable manner, but that's later.) Ivan's conclusion is that God either does not exist, or that if he does, he must be one of the cruelest beings that ever was - for subjecting us through through the nightmare of living the imperfect life and all of the calamities that come with it. And he'd much rather choose a nonexistent God over a heartless one.

But that's not to portray Ivan as your typical critical atheist, for he does end his story on a semi-positive note; he has Jesus kiss the Inquisitor on the head (...before the man sends him to burn at the stake, to die at the hands of a jeering crowd AGAIN). And this in turn provokes his brother Alyosha to kiss him on the head after he has finished his depressing story. Because in spite of all of his doubtfulness, the thing that Ivan wants most is for himself to be wrong. He wants to believe in the possibility of a loving God, of a reality where mankind is naturally good and where people can simply just love their neighbors as themselves because they want to. He's torn to the point where he finds himself arguing on the side of religion and Christianity even when he doesn't fully believe in them. And as everyone knows, what good is good works without good faith?

On another note, I can't say yet whether I like this book more than Crime and Punishment yet. On one level, it does seem to address more directly the fundamental issues that plague people today (well, since not everyone is a crazed psychotic and poor college student/murderer like Raskolnikov is- we get to choose from four personalities now! Are you depraved, emotional, intellectual, or hopeful?) but on another level, it does seem to go on a few random tangents to explain certain things. I'm not sure how good explaining the elder Zosima's entire lifestory right before Papa Karamazov is about to get murdered is for the pacing... But I guess our idea of good pacing today is SHORT. FAST. ACTION. PACKED. SEQUENCES. or something.

I was in the mood of writing something random but I'm too tired/lazy to bother.

So hi!

Ryan doesn't understand himself.
Ryan wishes he could reduce himself to a simple stereotype in order to better understand himself.
Ryan realizes that this is either impossible or that he does not really want to submit to a stereotype because that would hurt his image because he has an overinflated perception of himself. Which in itself is a stereotype anyway.
In other words, Ryan really does understand himself but refuses to admit it.

Why do I feel such an ingrained need to take a class on EVERYTHING?

They should make a class about Life, the Universe, and Everything. Oh wait, that class probably would be taken as too broad for serious folk. Bleh.

Time-turners would be nice.

I'm striding the borderline of two very different worlds. Which one do I follow?

I'm going to be the next Great Gatsby.

[passion doesn't exist in ordinary people]

These things don't really matter in the long run anyway.

[that's why you have to be extraordinary.]

I'll be here. Waiting.

Welll that was my random rant of the day, I guess. Don't feel like looking at it again cause I'll probably think it's crap as usual but whatever. It's more than halfway into spring break right now and I really don't feel like doing work, although I've got a midterm next week to study for.

Ehhh I'll start at it tomorrow.

Life's moving along as usual and I'm still not really sure what I want to do yet. Well, I have a general idea of what classes to take. It's mainly trying to narrow the list down to a more manageable pace/finding extracurricular stuff that really interests me. Like my friends that are already doing work-study/extracurriculars/actual interesting stuff. I'm jealous of the passion they have in finding and doing these things. All I ever seem to care about nowadays is learning by the book while playing video games.

Sometimes I really wish I could go back and redo some parts of my life over. Maybe say, starting from the beginning of high school, back when I didn't know anyone other than my middle school buddies who were already starting to drift away. That way I could still... try to keep in touch with them more often. Maybe open up more to Carol and Mike and co. when I met them at the time. Wouldn't things be a lot more different.

I dunno, really. Lately I've been feeling as though there's a lot of people I know that I could've been better friends with given the proper circumstances, although I know that half of the time I just didn't bother talking more myself because of the whole "I don't want to bother you too much" mentality I've been carrying around since forever. And by now it's probably too late to do anything else since if I bothered trying any harder to talk to a person it'd seem odd out of character or weird-to-stalkerish given the way we are right now. That's why I liked the dorm environment that I got at Berkeley; it gave people the excuse to hang around with whoever they wanted to for the first time since everyone was new to begin with. I've been pretty content with the people I've met, but there's always still that extra case of what could've been. It's nice to keep in touch with people when you can.

Oh and I wish I'd applied to the College of Engineering when I applied to Berkeley originally. And did all this crap schedule planning BEFORE coming there. Would've made life so much easier.

To do:

Ochem problem sets and practice midterm
CS program and all assignments up to recursion
Math 54 ch 6 hw
Poli Sci Egypt reading
figure out housing
pay off that parking ticket
eat more fiber
join a club? or figure out some work/possible internship if possible over summer
figure out summer timeline

for fun?
finish brothers karamazov for once
and john
maybe seiken densetsu 3?
uhhh I'm going to try and put everything else off until I actually get my work done for once, if ever.

I have issues with people who like to collectively label certain music as "indie crap."

Well, I'll admit that there bands out there such that if I had to create a genre called "indie crap," I would lump them in that (considering how much indie I apparently I do listen to). I do sometimes get the sense of dull repetition and "whininess" when I hear those bands. But to characterize every indie band out there as a load of bull owing simply to the fact that their name isn't mainstream is another thing altogether.

Especially if you diss Yo La Tengo. ESPECIALLY From a Motel 6 Yo La Tengo. That song is anything but typical indie crap.

Of course, what makes music enjoyable to a person is largely subjective based on that person's tastes, but I do believe in the existence of objectively "good" and "bad" quality music like others do. However, I also tend to disagree with the way some of these people identify music as "good" or "bad."

Good quality music is more than just lyrics, a chorus, melodies, etc. By that measure, you could also analyze a song for its lyrical or melodic complexity and interactions, or the musician/singer's prowess and execution at carrying the song through, but that's not entirely the kind of good or bad scale that I'm getting at right away, considering that there are songs out there that can still come across well without being that "complex;" how enjoyable a song is also plays a major factor into this scale. A lot of mainstream music is like that: it's fun to listen to because it's simple or conventional, catchy, pleasing to the ear, or inspires a feeling in you. That's why I don't really mind it when other people play their music, or at least usually; I can see why they like it. I might like it myself.

And then of course there's other, obscure music that's... not so pleasing to the ear. (Noise rock! Screamo! etc. etc.) Or, so to speak, others that would come across as unconventional to your average listener. This doesn't make them bad by any means; they might just be innovating a certain aspect of their music in a way to achieve a different result. And sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective to realize what exactly this result means; I've had times when I've listened to a song once and disliked it, only to randomly hear it again (or a couple more times for that matter) and suddenly have something click in my mind, and all of a sudden it seems like God's next best gift to mankind (seriously). Repeated over time, this builds up to the point where music taste changes or expands as one comes to experience a wider variety of tastes; it's how I've managed to move on to liking groups in genres such as hip hop (well, knowing the kind of person I am) and some avant garde bands that I guess some would call "noise."

It may seem unfathomable how a song with a lack of a "catchy" tune or other conventional musical elements could ever be "good" music, but trust me, it's possible. Mainly because it's here that the subjective factor comes in: what kind of music a person is likely to enjoy is largely dependent on how susceptible they are to this "realization" or change, or to put in better terms, how open they are to new experiences. And I say, the more open a person is in his or her music taste, the more likely they are to be able to recognize the other factors in unconventional music that still makes it enjoyable.

Of course, this doesn't mean that they have to like every single random song that is thrown at them. It just means that they are more likely to be able to recognize good quality songs regardless of how obscure those songs are... songs that can still inspire something in a person without needing to rely on trite techniques or cheap conventionalities like a lot of the so called "bad music" out there. (which is why they call bad music "soulless.") And quite honestly, I find unconventional "inspiring" music more impressive than conventional ones because it usually takes extra skill to pull that off; hence the contribution of factors such as what I refer to as musical or lyrical "complexity." Good lo-fi music isn't good simply because it's lo-fi; it's good because of what else it does to inspire its listeners without turning them off by its low audio quality. And conversely, it takes an open listener to get around the fact that the music is atypical and realize its true capability; an ignorant person would simply walk away assume the worst from a cursory glance (or listen). This leads to what I call music mislabeling. Of course, these people fail to understand why other people can enjoy the same music; some of them even like to rant about it.

Then again, some people can try to listen a thousand times to a song and never like it once regardless of how open they try to be. That's where REAL personal taste comes in. I have no problem with that. And others by nature just aren't that open in general; maybe they just like feeling comfortable with what they have. I'm fine with that too. It's when people in either category go a step further and try to make overbearing generalizations about the music they don't understand (hence, "all this pretentious indie crap; music nowadays is soulless") that I have issues. Or even worse, they make these generalizations about the people who like them. Yes, I have listened to Joanna Newsom's Is; more than 10 times, in fact (considering how long each song is). Yes, I actually do like her (her songs are calming to me; they're like beautiful majestic lullabies) and I don't mind her singing voice. Got a problem with that?

Typically, I only find music totally unlistenable when it either:

a: literally tries to scratch your eardrums out. for good medical reasons.
b: is overplayed too many times that I get sick of it.
c: comes across as overdone or repetitive, pointless, or "soulless" - true bad music

I think most people would tend to follow the same or similar rules for themselves. That last point is the real matter of contention in this case, but I believe that how much that changes depends on how willing a person is to listen to music objectively. They should look at the reasons why other people do like it first and try not to let the exotic nature of the music or their initial impressions affect their overall absolute judgment. Then they might have a better understanding of how it is possible to have good music out of so called "pretentious indie crap;" or otherwise recognize what really is good and bad music.

And don't even bring recognition into this debate. A lack of interest is okay, but bashing on a whole genre of music just because you've never heard more than half of its artists before is just being ignorant AND offensive to other people.

Indie rock is soulless? Give me a fucking break.

---

And on a better note, Euphoria - Oneday (album mix) is pretty awesome.

Ryan Plays Too Many Games

Sooo recently I've gotten in the mood for playing games that I really don't have time for.

*insert compulsory list*

GRIM FANDANGO (Day of the Dead + Noir + LucasArts = Brilliance.)
Planescape: Torment
Freespace
Sam and Max Hit the Road
Fire Emblem: Sword of Seals
Front Mission DS
Professor Layton and the Mysterious Village

And books.

The Brothers Karamazov (Nathan doesn't know what a lecher is. Mech-e.)
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mrs. Dalloway
The Waves
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass
The Satanic Verses
East of Eden
Absalom! Absalom!
- Among others.

and of course, musakk.

- too many to list.

and schedule planning.

-... I'm not even going there.

Eh, I'm full of myself sometimes.

I have The Magnetic Fields - When My Boy Walks Down the Street stuck in my head right now. And I feel too lazy to do work. Screw Physics and Ochem.

I feel like a recluse sometimes. asdffg.

To be honest, though, I never really wanted to believe what I said last night. One circumstance just led to another, leading it in that direction... But I can still see some of the things that I do want to believe in sometimes.

Well, if people feel like talking, I'm still always available. And if not... then that's okay too.

I'll just leave it at that.

I've been disappointed by people. Plenty of times. Though it's not something you really talk about.

Of course, up until last year I tended to blame it all on myself. Nowadays I just figure it's because everyone sucks.

But you won't be hearing that from me aloud anytime soon.

God damn I'm so jaded it's not even funny.

I like the way Mike (Sudolsky) uses ellipses.

When other people use them though... bleh. Maybe because I envision their personalities on paper differently.

Persona.

I'm lingering somewhere along the line between obsession and indifference right now. And I honestly can't tell the difference between the two right now. It's all the same thing... one big mess of nothing. Laziness.

Time means nothing to me.

Tick tock. It's the sound of the reaper. Melancholy!

I have this tendency to involuntarily experience seizure-like conditions whenever I truly feel excited about something... Regardless of how I want to react. It's happened to me while playing Smash, Halo, Starcraft, Warcraft, and one time while watching that one scene in Stephen King's Carrie where the title character goes berserk and murders everyone at her high school prom using her psychic powers after getting public humiliated by a cruel prank that also happens to accidentally kill her prom date. Particularly the part where the teacher gets crushed in the abdomen by a falling board.

Did I mention that for a while I actually liked watching Happy Tree Friends? I think I've seen almost 2/3rds of the shorts on that site...

I don't know who I am. Don't ask. But I will say this much.

My life is ruled by uncertainties and whims.

I should probably be more active when I'm around my friends. You know, talk more... while being sensible about it. I have this tendency to play the observer when I'm in a group of three or more because I don't really know or have anything to say. Not worth their time, anyway.

That and I don't give a shit about what I think anymore.

Sometimes I like to wander about aimlessly in public places. Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Bella Terra, UC Irvine, Central Library, Seacliff Center, HBHS, the 405... I've been there. It passes the time.

I should be grateful for a lot of things. But I don't really show it enough. Not to mention, I worry about a bunch of meaningless things and let jocular insults get to me. I have an overinflated sense of pride when it comes to academics and intellectual things, and... well, I get easily offended if you comment about anything else that applies to my daily life. But I should quit that.

I'm also a hypocrite. Or maybe an immature version of Ivan Fyodorovich Karamazov.

I love you Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship you
oh my soul rejoice
take joy my king
in what you hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound
in your ear.

My resolution this year is not to be swayed by what other people think. Formulate my own opinions... and stick with them.

This is who I am. This is what I like. This is what I believe.

My name is Ryan SUWAHZA. Now get it right this time.

You expect too much out of life.

---

so so so I feel like taking a walk but it's kinda late and rainy and I'd probably catch a cold or something if I went out in this weather even with my thick jackets although I don't necessarily subscribe to the belief that mere coldness makes you catch colds. it just makes you more susceptible to the virus when it comes by you, partly since the virus survives better at cold temperatures. but that's not the point.

wasting time cause I want to do something or so I think cause maybe it's not worth it to do anything worthwhile or meaningful aside from sitting down and staring at the tv screen cause that's what i do best. listening to asobi seksu or stars. set yourself on fire. do you trust your friends?

river run. well. like blue thunder. on fire. galaxie 500. koo koo koo.

casey jr's coming down the track so don't look back
conceived and trite like that apple bum named johnny
killer flying monkeys threaten me when i sleep
i'm too afraid to dream
of that ominous teacup in the sky
nefi and girly
alice in wonderland
never trust weasels because they could backstab you when you least expect it
stupid weasels
penguins make loud noises
and elephants will kill you.

music cannot be described in words. words don't mean anything. I can describe heightened sensations or moods, but not to the extent that anyone would understand them. Because I'm not willing to admit anything to myself. You who sits there in the looking glass, formless and aimless, tell me who I am and what I want to be. I don't really want to know myself in my own ways anymore.

boredom killed the cat more than curiosity did. the cat was just too stupid to realize it.

sometimes I really do feel like going off somewhere to be alone by myself, but I don't feel safe anywhere. acrophobia or agoraphobia? wide open spaces. not fitting. there could be someone hiding.

who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who

autopilot. bad winds. zelda and the pixies. killjoy and strangelove. dr seuss. fiddle dum and fight the deeds of decay and destruction empty. I lack the mental prowess, dedication, or skill to push myself beyond this peak. I hate Prometheus. I don't want to know more to that depth anymore. It's not fitting. It's not appealing. Reading does me no justice.

elephante fante fanta calamity indignation phantasia cless cleft ness left the store at dawn to go to his apartment and meet a celebrity at dawn by the trophy stick made by calvin at the mansion of holes and purple tentacles cause green was too cowardly to do anything stupid green blue deserves better even though he doesn't exist rawr rar roar woar whore canklestick cafe 3. I'm not doing anything meaningful and I don't feel like it. we don't want to sleep tonight like young white lovers cross the light
beyond those depths

staring. not at mirrors. at you and me. what do you see.

no motivation or feeling whatsoever.

GAGRAGDRAGFAGTAGSAGKAGKEGDREG

I'm gonna play texttwist now.