lindy

If you've talked to me in the past 5 years you probably know that I'm into swing dancing- east coast swing, lindy hop, the charleston, and so on. I may not also have mentioned before, but even though I've effectively been dancing... the equivalent of about maybe a year plus a few months on and off over the past few years, I still find social dancing really intimidating. I've think I've gotten considerably better since college, thanks to a weekly venue being nearby and going through a few workshops, but I still very much would rather sit and watch other people on the dance floor than dance myself. (Unless it's a pre-choreographed dance or a jazz routine like the shim sham. I've been realizing more lately that I really like solo jazz, even though learning it is a lot more exhausting.)

I mean, social dancing can actually be pretty fun... once you know what you're doing. I realized pretty early on that, particularly for leads, there's a bit of a limitation based on the size of your repertoire, at first. You can only dance the same few moves so many times without each dance after the next becoming too repetitive, and also discovering how much you keep falling back to those "safe" moves you first learned a long time ago. Even after finally learning how to do something I saw once, being able to reproduce that motion in the spur of the moment while social dancing is really hard; I keep finding myself stumbling midway into trying to recall something and end up either doing a completely different but more common move or making a really obvious and embarrassing mistake in front of my follow- more often the latter. And it feels really intimidating to dance with a follow who you can tell is better than you; they sometimes will correct you in the middle of dancing. In a way, you have to repeat the move you want to do enough times outside of the lesson for it to finally settle into your muscle memory, that repertoire you can fall back on. And the hard part is finding practice, since social dancing isn't always the best time to try to work out the kinks in your muscle memory...

...which is why it's usually good to have someone to practice with. But like any other community, I find I have trouble (perhaps moreso than in other communities) actually befriending people in the swing community [which is to say I haven't much... exactly]. Something about the flurry of the social dance floor at whatever venue I go to... and I end up feeling even more reserved than I did at IV large groups, where it took me the better part of a year or two attending to actually get to know people. And it's kind of awkward to be in that phase where you recognize people after seeing their faces for a while without really knowing them... combined with my aversion to interrupting already existing cliques, it doesn't work out very well.

But anyway... after a six month hiatus from swing (the combination of a twisted ankle post-hiking + being out of town at random over the summer last year, after which I found it difficult to come back), I came back for a weekend long dance workshop hosted at the venue I used to go to. And it was really fun, even though I barely talked to people much as usual. It was nice dancing with follows that you could tell really enjoyed dancing (they tend to smile a lot in the middle of it), and I actually got complimented on my leading a couple of times... interesting since I hadn't danced in so long. In a way, it was like I was just picking up where I left off last year coming back from Camp Jitterbug, since I felt like I was dancing better now than I did back then, ironically. Or perhaps after taking that long of a break, I somehow have a fresher point of view of where I can improve and what to look out for and practice in my dancing.

[I also realize how out of shape I am and am suffering in muscle soreness right now... although it was practically about 10 hours of dancing in three days.]

I might start going back to the venue again, if I can get over the usual mid-week blues. I still find myself largely not wanting to go right before it's time to leave work, largely because of... well, work, or even the fact that I still have work the next day just makes me feel too out of it, or something else comes up. But I still really want to learn the Big Apple routine at some point, anyway. and maybe social dance once in a while.

past and present.

I noticed that you've seemed to become less happy over the years.

I wish I was born normal.

I'm glad he moved. So I don't have to see him anymore.

Why does it bother you? It doesn't even concern you!

Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

Don't be a stranger.

I realized that I'm a lot more vulnerable than I'd like to admit.

Hey, your (real) friends like you for who you are!

I can tell when you're on the brink. You get really quiet.

It's funny... I was just thinking about you yesterday.

I think I understand you better than you give me credit for.

It's exhausting to always see things as problems and defects. It's empowering and energizing to think about the positive changes you can make in things that you care about.

I found that the people that I wanted to talk to weren't the ones that were available.

The best conversations happen in the car when it's just the two of you.

So what exactly do you believe? Why?

I'm seeing an image of you standing on a rock, shouting...

You are a good son.

---

I think what I long for the most is to get to the point of being able to have random life conversations, the kind that sparked these moments, with anyone. Without having to deal with the small talk and usual everyday how-are-you-I'm-fine conversations, which usually end up happening anyway because not everyone is open to talking to you about this stuff anytime anywhere. I hate how it's considered normal to ask "how are you?" as a matter of courtesy even though most of the time we don't actually want to know the real answer to that if it isn't "fine, thank you."

...because if I were to answer that question honestly on a regular basis, the people who do actually listen would end up saying something like "but seriously, stop being depressed all the time" or "CHEER UP!" (Okay, they've said that already.)

I know, I tend to get overly emotional and randomly melancholic sometimes for no apparent reason. Part of me actually wants to cry sometimes, even though I may not actually have a legitimate reason to (which I blame on being an INFP >_>). Sometimes there is an actual reason (as noted in previous posts) and that just triggers the spiral (also mentioned in previous posts) and then "what's wrong with me" and the "I don't want to burden anyone with this" thinking that's typical of depression.

[On that note, someone on reddit posted this choose-your-own-adventure that paints a rather realistic picture of life from the perspective of a person who actually has depression. Warning, it can be pretty heavy, especially if you've experienced these destructive thought patterns yourself, considering that some people couldn't finish it... Although ironically, the top comment pointed out that the main character in that story actually has a significant other and some support that not everyone has equal access to.]

It got to a point recently where I would just go somewhere outside at night and hope that I'd either randomly run into someone or I'd get randomly contacted by someone who would intervene, which is completely irrational thinking to begin with if I haven't told anyone anything... except that in the past that circumstance actually has happened before. But I forget that the atmosphere here in South Bay is nothing like that of Berkeley. I don't even feel comfortable randomly sitting on park benches at night around here because I'm afraid that the other members of this quaint community randomly walking their dogs at night or glimpsing out their windows would think that I'm some crazy person, talking out loud to the air. Which I like to do when I'm sitting by myself on a park bench at night.

Looking back over it all, I think my life experiences in college onward have led me to feel rather bitter and cynical nowadays. Not to say that there haven't been good experiences, because there have been plenty of those also... but too often I end up focusing on the negative aspects of the experiences and not the good. And after reflecting on it more clearly now, I realize that a good chunk of it has stemmed from this one thought or realization, developed over the years: that you can't get along with everyone. Some people will be more or less open with you just because of the way you interact, or the way your or their personality is, or because of whatever past history you've wound up having. And that's not necessarily something you can change.

A lot of my problems in the past and currently ongoing have stemmed from seeing other people, friends interact with the same people I have difficulty interacting with, and seeing how much more open they can be with each other. That's where the jealousy starts. and then the self-loathing, and the wondering what's wrong with me and why-can't-I-be-better-friends-with-this-person-because-my-other-friends-can, which only worsens later on after someone tells you "I'm sorry I haven't been open and for continuing to not be as open in the future" even though it was meant to be an open apology, and then only gets confirmed after a different instance, years later, after finding out indirectly that someone hadn't liked you "at all," because we "didn't have anything in common." And wondering if that might explain all of those other interactions that I'd felt suspicious of over the years regarding other people. Because I keep seeing this cycle of jealousy and self-loathing repeat over. and over. and over again, with every new social circle or group I find myself in.

I realize now that a lot of this stems from having an unhealthy view of myself. Just because I can't relate or talk to some people that well compared to others doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, even though I tend to end up thinking that way. I keep forgetting that the same situation likely holds true for me and the people I've wound up being closer with vs. others. This circumstance is just a normal facet of life.

I still find it difficult right now, though. Part of me just looks forward to moving (in multiple senses of the word), having a change of setting and the freedom to not have to see people if I don't want to. And part of me just feels like that's the wrong attitude to take towards this issue - I shouldn't be abandoning relationships just because they're difficult and not the way I want them to be.

And underlying it all, there's that uncertainty about how to act in future situations. What to say, how to respond, how to change the way I interact with people if there's something I do need to change about myself (because I can think of a few moments that I seriously regret in the past), how to approach those people who I will invariably see again and still have this problem with. Do I give up on these [attempts at] relationships? Try to act cordial anyway? Be content with just remaining a casual acquaintance? Or keep trying while the opportunities are there?

As a friend put it, though, it's probably best to just be myself, and let the cards fall where they lay- to accept and appreciate the good relationships I do end up having. And to have confidence in myself, because I know that my identity and self-worth isn't based on something as shallow as my ability to make friends with everyone. It's just easy to forget sometimes in the spur of the moment.

Gravity's Rainbow

So I decided as another random resolution this year to try and be more analytical about the things I consume and not just simply take in entertainment- that and I kinda miss writing analytical essays for school sometimes... (although I don't miss worrying about being graded on them :P). I'll be making future posts like this that are more akin to the Bible series of posts I've been doing, just for other stuff.

Anyway, after a year of on and off reading (although most of it in the last month), and a couple of more years before that with it just sitting in my stack of books, I finally finished Gravity's Rainbow. FINALLY. (although I think Brothers Karamazov took about just as long.)

I don't remember exactly why I decided to get this book originally. I remember looking for it at Barnes and Nobles years ago and finally buying it, which meant that I had already been looking for it before then, I guess. Maybe because it got touted as the Ulysses of the latter 20th century (even though I still haven't read Ulysses yet) and I have this thing for trying to read notoriously difficult books that aren't Finnegans Wake. And also since it was infamous for being the reason no Pulitzer Prize was awarded in 1974, because of a disagreement between the jury, who nominated it, and the board, who vetoed it, calling it '"unreadable," "turgid," "overwritten," and, in parts, "obscene."'

[I also have this memory of Miki being over at our Piedmont apartment once and asking for a book to read because she was bored. I gave her Gravity's Rainbow cause it happened to be sitting on top of my book stack and she facepalmed. She meant light reading. >_>]

In some sense the board might've had a point. GR takes a lot of patience and effort to read through, and a lot of the time I would find myself rereading the same few pages multiple times because I'd get through them once and think, "I have no idea what just happened," and even after several re-reads still not really have much of a better idea. To be honest at some points I felt like I was just reading to finish the book and not really to understand it. Having finished the book now, I suppose I could come up with a general summary that kind of makes sense, but there were still a lot of passages in the book that I couldn't understand or figure out the purpose of. 

[spoilers follow]

list update: movies

I'm not really a film critic like other people I know who like to get technical about this subject, but I do tend to enjoy watching the films that get mentioned by critics, or at least for the novelty of the experience... so a while back I decided to attempt to [eventually] watch every film on the They Shoot Pictures 1001 Greatest Films List, just for fun (but also watching random films that may or may not be related to them). It's a compilation based off of the combination of almost "1500 magazine polls, film institute polls, individual polls of 'esteemed' critics or filmmakers and many other polls of interest," although since the list gets updated with new polls factored in every year, it won't be possible for me to actually finish the list as it was when I first saw it years ago... but anyway.

I'm currently tracking my progress with icheckmovies, and at the rate I'm going it might as well take the rest of my lifetime... (91 films after 5 years... uh...) although part of the reason for that is because I didn't watch any of the films on my to-watch list for the past year or so out of circumstance. But anyway, after a random conversation with a coworker, I decided to try and get back on it again, and I'm slowly getting there!

I'm not sure what exactly it was that inspired me to do this... aside from The Godfather being the first movie that got me wanting to watch more movies of this sort, I guess. During the year where I started getting more into this, I also took a course on Race and American Film (under African American studies, interestingly enough; the class had the most racially diverse demographic I'd ever seen on campus) for Berkeley's AC requirement, which wound up being one of the best courses I ever took at Berkeley. The first half of the week would be like history class (plus the film viewing at night), and the second half was like a film class where we'd critically analyze the films themselves, some scenes shot by shot, using the proper terminology and such. It's also the class that got me started on The Wire, but that's another story.

Lately I've been finding that Netflix has been actually useful for finding some of these movies. After running through the rating system randomly for a while, it's gotten to the point now where most of the movies that it thinks I'd rate with more than 4 stars winds up being a film on the They Shoot Pictures list, which is pretty cool. Of course, it's probable that I'm self-selecting this process by purposefully rating movies that I've already seen on the list highly... although I'm not exactly trying to rate them highly just for being on the list. It'd honestly be easier if there were a mapping from the list to available entries on Netflix... hm, maybe an idea for a web app.

Recently seen (not including stuff from theaters this year):

- West Side Story (1961).
Don't know why I never saw it before even though I kinda knew most of the songs already without realizing it. It's pretty good, although part of me likes Gypsy more...? as a Sondheim pre-composition era musical anyway. It might just be that I'm a little tired of the typical Romeo and Juliet storyline by now, although the songs were still good. "America" is still my favorite song, although I found out that apparently all modern day stage productions ever since that movie are forbidden from casting that song with male performers (although the original stage production had that song with only females to begin with). I have trouble picturing it being sung without the guys though... it feels pretty much like a different song by then.

- Man in the Dark, and Inferno (both 1953)
Saw these at the Noir City film festival with some people. I had no idea 3D Noir was a thing, but apparently they were advertising them for their 3D-ness in the 50's. The former is about a criminal who has amnesia after having part of his brain surgically removed (...what) and is forced to recall his memories by his former partners. It was really trying to push for the random reach-out-at-you-through-the-screen scares at every second, especially with the surgery and spider scenes... and it wound up being perhaps unintentionally funny at times because of random oddities in the script or stage direction (security guards that put their hands up when being robbed without a gun?).

This wasn't so much of an issue with the latter- about an adulterous couple who attempt to strand the woman's husband in a desert to die, and his attempt to survive. It generally more serious and focused, although with a few really randomly funny moments ("what, you mean... actually kill him?"). There was this one moment with a thrown lantern in your face that looked really weird; it was almost like a fireball. But anyway, they were both really entertaining.

We had a discussion about what exactly defines noir (since it's not limited to black and white films - Inferno was in color; there's also neo-noir like Chinatown and Brick). I guess I'd associate it with crime dramas/thrillers that feature morally ambiguous and cynical characters. There's also usually at least one or two major suspense scenes also, or the kind that would put me at the edge of my seat, as there were in these two films, but I wonder if that's just limited to my own experience.

- Goodfellas (1990)
Had a really similar feel to The Departed, another crime film which was also directed by Scorcese. Perhaps a little too similar for my liking... and I still like Taxi Driver more (and for a film about Italian gangsters, Godfather more). But I've barely seen enough Scorcese to really make an accurate comparison of it. Don't really have much else to say.

- Dial M For Murder (1954)
Guy hires another guy to murder his cheating wife, and shenanigans happen. Seen enough Hitchcock to know what to expect by now. I don't think it's one of his better films, but it still had one of those make-me-jump-out-of-my-seat-cause-I-can't-take-it-anymore moments. Great example of  how to make a film that almost entirely takes place in just 1 room, which is impressive. (although one of his other films, Rope, actually does only use 1 room... and 12 shots)

- Clue (1985)
This was actually a rewatch, but no matter because I love this movie enough to rewatch it again anytime. It's punny almost to the level of Airplane!, but in a murder mystery setting with all the classic Clue characters from the board game and Mr. Boddy, although they don't quite match the descriptions of the actual characters (ex. Mrs. White isn't the maid here - there's another character who plays the maid, Yvette). Wadsworth the butler is that character who I would put into every story if I could just because of how much chaos he causes. Or he fulfills some archetype that I'm not sure actually exists or not. I also love the fact that it has 3 endings (apparently if you saw it in theaters you'd get a different ending depending on which theater you were at), although the last ending is clearly the best one.

- Gypsy (1993)
A TV-movie adaptation of the stage musical, Gypsy, that happened to be on Netflix. It's based off the autobiography of the striptease artist Gypsy Rose Lee, but essentially focuses on her megalomaniac show business mother, Rose. This is probably a sign that I don't watch that many TV movies, but I actually think this is one of the best TV movies I've ever seen - although it helps that the actual musical itself is pretty good. I keep coming back to "Everything's Coming Up Roses" and "Rose's Turn" for relistens (the latter of which Glee did a cover of... but eh); they're catchy enough to get stuck in my head often.

- Tokyo Story (1953)
This movie took a lot more patience to watch than I'm used to (also more than 2 hours), as it's mostly following daily events in the life of a Japanese elderly couple visiting their grown-up children in the city, but it was worth it. Apparently it's considered one of the most accurate film portrayals of Japanese culture and family relationships, along with some of the issues that pervaded those even though it was made so long ago. The ending was... for lack of a better word, heartbreaking. I wanted to cry.