To be honest, though, I never really wanted to believe what I said last night. One circumstance just led to another, leading it in that direction... But I can still see some of the things that I do want to believe in sometimes.

Well, if people feel like talking, I'm still always available. And if not... then that's okay too.

I'll just leave it at that.

I've been disappointed by people. Plenty of times. Though it's not something you really talk about.

Of course, up until last year I tended to blame it all on myself. Nowadays I just figure it's because everyone sucks.

But you won't be hearing that from me aloud anytime soon.

God damn I'm so jaded it's not even funny.

I like the way Mike (Sudolsky) uses ellipses.

When other people use them though... bleh. Maybe because I envision their personalities on paper differently.

Persona.

I'm lingering somewhere along the line between obsession and indifference right now. And I honestly can't tell the difference between the two right now. It's all the same thing... one big mess of nothing. Laziness.

Time means nothing to me.

Tick tock. It's the sound of the reaper. Melancholy!

I have this tendency to involuntarily experience seizure-like conditions whenever I truly feel excited about something... Regardless of how I want to react. It's happened to me while playing Smash, Halo, Starcraft, Warcraft, and one time while watching that one scene in Stephen King's Carrie where the title character goes berserk and murders everyone at her high school prom using her psychic powers after getting public humiliated by a cruel prank that also happens to accidentally kill her prom date. Particularly the part where the teacher gets crushed in the abdomen by a falling board.

Did I mention that for a while I actually liked watching Happy Tree Friends? I think I've seen almost 2/3rds of the shorts on that site...

I don't know who I am. Don't ask. But I will say this much.

My life is ruled by uncertainties and whims.

I should probably be more active when I'm around my friends. You know, talk more... while being sensible about it. I have this tendency to play the observer when I'm in a group of three or more because I don't really know or have anything to say. Not worth their time, anyway.

That and I don't give a shit about what I think anymore.

Sometimes I like to wander about aimlessly in public places. Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Bella Terra, UC Irvine, Central Library, Seacliff Center, HBHS, the 405... I've been there. It passes the time.

I should be grateful for a lot of things. But I don't really show it enough. Not to mention, I worry about a bunch of meaningless things and let jocular insults get to me. I have an overinflated sense of pride when it comes to academics and intellectual things, and... well, I get easily offended if you comment about anything else that applies to my daily life. But I should quit that.

I'm also a hypocrite. Or maybe an immature version of Ivan Fyodorovich Karamazov.

I love you Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship you
oh my soul rejoice
take joy my king
in what you hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound
in your ear.

My resolution this year is not to be swayed by what other people think. Formulate my own opinions... and stick with them.

This is who I am. This is what I like. This is what I believe.

My name is Ryan SUWAHZA. Now get it right this time.

You expect too much out of life.

---

so so so I feel like taking a walk but it's kinda late and rainy and I'd probably catch a cold or something if I went out in this weather even with my thick jackets although I don't necessarily subscribe to the belief that mere coldness makes you catch colds. it just makes you more susceptible to the virus when it comes by you, partly since the virus survives better at cold temperatures. but that's not the point.

wasting time cause I want to do something or so I think cause maybe it's not worth it to do anything worthwhile or meaningful aside from sitting down and staring at the tv screen cause that's what i do best. listening to asobi seksu or stars. set yourself on fire. do you trust your friends?

river run. well. like blue thunder. on fire. galaxie 500. koo koo koo.

casey jr's coming down the track so don't look back
conceived and trite like that apple bum named johnny
killer flying monkeys threaten me when i sleep
i'm too afraid to dream
of that ominous teacup in the sky
nefi and girly
alice in wonderland
never trust weasels because they could backstab you when you least expect it
stupid weasels
penguins make loud noises
and elephants will kill you.

music cannot be described in words. words don't mean anything. I can describe heightened sensations or moods, but not to the extent that anyone would understand them. Because I'm not willing to admit anything to myself. You who sits there in the looking glass, formless and aimless, tell me who I am and what I want to be. I don't really want to know myself in my own ways anymore.

boredom killed the cat more than curiosity did. the cat was just too stupid to realize it.

sometimes I really do feel like going off somewhere to be alone by myself, but I don't feel safe anywhere. acrophobia or agoraphobia? wide open spaces. not fitting. there could be someone hiding.

who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who

autopilot. bad winds. zelda and the pixies. killjoy and strangelove. dr seuss. fiddle dum and fight the deeds of decay and destruction empty. I lack the mental prowess, dedication, or skill to push myself beyond this peak. I hate Prometheus. I don't want to know more to that depth anymore. It's not fitting. It's not appealing. Reading does me no justice.

elephante fante fanta calamity indignation phantasia cless cleft ness left the store at dawn to go to his apartment and meet a celebrity at dawn by the trophy stick made by calvin at the mansion of holes and purple tentacles cause green was too cowardly to do anything stupid green blue deserves better even though he doesn't exist rawr rar roar woar whore canklestick cafe 3. I'm not doing anything meaningful and I don't feel like it. we don't want to sleep tonight like young white lovers cross the light
beyond those depths

staring. not at mirrors. at you and me. what do you see.

no motivation or feeling whatsoever.

GAGRAGDRAGFAGTAGSAGKAGKEGDREG

I'm gonna play texttwist now.