flaws and fallacies

So recently I started reading this nonfiction book (that you may have heard of as it's been popular as of recent years - how I heard of it I don't remember) called Thinking, Fast and Slow. It's a pretty fascinating take on the psychology behind the mental processes we use to make decisions in everyday life, which the author, Daniel Kahneman, characterizes as two agents or systems. System 1, the fast thinker, is prone to make automatic judgments without you realizing it and falls along the lines of what most people would call intuition, whereas System 2, the slow thinker, is more deliberate and takes effect when you're actually conscious of what you're thinking about. Most people regularly rely on both systems on an everyday basis in decision-making, but often don't realize how often their System 1 factors into that process, particularly when it leads them to faulty or irrational conclusions that they might not have otherwise if they'd actually employed their System 2 more.

The book itself spends a good deal of time elaborating on other mental/logical fallacies that often emerge as a result of both systems and their interaction with each other. A lot of it may come across as surprising, though perhaps less so particularly if you're already familiar with statistics/probability, as a good number of fallacies are related to that subject and how often people will ignore statistical conclusions even when they've been convinced of their validity in favor of continuing to satisfy their own personal biases (but what else is new, really). I could go on about it more but I'll leave it at it's a pretty enlightening read so go read it and yada yada.

About a month ago it was suggested to me that I'd been giving off this impression as if I were fed up with incompetence in the world (not sure if that was the exact word but it was along those lines) To be honest, I hadn't really thought of it that way before, but my immediate reaction was of spontaneous immediate agreement- I mean seriously, why is there so much incompetence in the world?- while neglecting to mention the second half of what I was really feeling- "and why do I feel like I'm just contributing to it?"

The flaws and mental fallacies that Kahneman brought up in his book struck a similar chord along that train of thought, for I couldn't help but feel incredibly annoyed and moreover pissed off while reading about them. Defects coming from people who essentially were unwilling to admit their own mistakes, satisfied with continuing to live in a fantasy world that catered to their own preconceived beliefs and immediate experiences, while rewriting other contrary facts and findings in their own minds so that it could fit whatever bullshit yet coherent story or interpretation that they came up with in their heads. (Okay, I'll admit that's a rather pessimistic way of interpreting Kahneman's book thus far.) Even though these are flaws that pretty much EVERYONE is susceptible to at some point in their lives or even regularly... but that notion just frustrated me even further.

We live such messed up, imperfect lives, it's a wonder we're able to still live and marvel at the simplest things, the beautiful (and not-so-beautiful) things, and get by day-to-day as if our lives aren't... really so imperfect. I look at all of the evidence I've been coming across of the ways in which people and the world around them don't entirely function the way that they should... the way that they ought to... the way that they feel like they should or ought to... and it just brings about an overwhelming sense of confusion and disbelief. To look at a problem in the world today and have this sense that this didn't have to happen; if only people actually communicated and empathized with each other and tried to focus on something beyond themselves for once, looked at the bigger picture, examined their own thoughts and motivations and actions and took responsibility for their own mistakes and shortcomings. But one can only hope for so much sometimes from a selfish and (to use a term parents mentioned from the weekend) "stiff-necked" species, in which these faults are almost essentially programmed from birth. There's no avoiding it.

And to see some of these same glaring defects in my own self on a regular basis, and find myself starting to grow apathetic about it because I too have that innately selfish part of me that doesn't really want to give a shit about it anymore. I see how I'm also a part of the problem I complain about, but I'm paralyzed by my own self-centered desire to settle for the status quo, a hedonistic life focused on the day-to-day to maybe even the next few months that doesn't have to worry about the long term plan because it's tired of people asking "when are you going to get a _____" (insert topic of choice here) and "what do you really want to achieve with your life?" I mean, I'm still too mentally busy being hung up on "why is this world the way it is?" and "what if that question doesn't have a real answer?" when I'm conscious enough to be bothered by it.

...

Anyone reading this who's been in or around an Intervarsity-related community is probably familiar with a book called True Story, which often gets recommended as a summer read in those circles due to its accessible message regarding how to reach out to others in a society that is becoming increasingly hostile to [the largely Protestant evangelical brand of] Christianity itself, which makes it pretty relevant application-wise. The book espouses a 4 circle diagram intended as a more sophisticated update to the bridge diagram that I'm guessing most evangelical Christians have probably been exposed to at some point in their lives (in my case it was elementary school), and I've personally seen two different communities that both happened to set up trainings of some sort teaching people how to engage others using the 4 circle diagram- aka how to draw it from scratch.

The diagram itself is nice in that it provides a structured way of explaining the basic idea of the Christian worldview to anyone who isn't familiar with it or perhaps even has a misconception of what it is Christians actually believe and why they would believe it. But as with any diagram or model that people come up with, it doesn't quite suffice as a satisfactory answer to all of the questions an outsider might have, particularly anyone who's given serious thought to this. (from a logic standpoint, I imagine one might take issue with the claim, "Just like hunger points to food and thirst points to water, so our universal ache for a better world means that such a world either once existed or will one day exist.") And I'm not entirely sure whether it suffices for the believer sharing the message itself- it probably varies on how much or well that person already understands their own faith and its implications. But the impression I got from seeing the enthusiastic push to have this diagram taught and spread in both communities was that people are willing to settle for a story that makes sense to them, even if it doesn't fit with or capture some or all of the details. And that isn't just limited to Christian circles either; I'm pretty sure that's applicable to everyone at some point.

And that happens to be the same message that Thinking Fast, and Slow expresses: our tendency to create stories in our heads that satisfy both the evidence we see before us and our own direct, personal experiences, when oftentimes there just isn't really enough information to form a realistic or universally accurate impression of that sort. And then we judge the validity of the stories we create by how coherent they are in themselves rather than how well they address all of those details, finding it easier instead to ignore the small things that don't conform to the story we're satisfied with, if needed.

To be honest, I often feel the same way about the Christian story itself. It can be told well, and it is internally coherent enough to satisfy at least some of those people who are feeling empty about their lives, upset by life circumstances and the failings of their own nature. The gospel is meant to be a message that saves, to preach good news to the poor and proclaim liberty to the captives, and recover sight to the blind and set free those who are oppressed. It's really an uplifting story. But to really accept it, to accept the Bible in the form which it's been presented, one has to learn to cope with a lot of added baggage: internal contradictions, flaws and fallacies, persecution and injustice borne about both outside and within, and often because of the church, established denominations divided among themselves in the most basic of doctrines and subject to bureaucratic powers, all of which came about as the result of human error and wrongdoing and misguided and often ill-informed intentions. For God so loved the world that he evidently chose a selfish, stubborn, prone to error and ultimately imperfect human species to help carry out his will upon the earth, presumably fully knowing of the consequences that would entail.

People in the communities I've been a part of are prone to look at those outside as lost, as misguided, as being without hope, and while that line of thinking does seem to naturally follow from the story that has been presented, it has never really sat right with me. Who are we to judge other lifestyles, other beliefs and worldviews, other experiences, and other existences in that fashion if we haven't experienced the weight of those lives ourselves? And yet we act as though our intuition based solely on our own immediate experiences about these issues is enough, in some cases perhaps without even realizing it.

Dear God, this is what I mean when I tell you that I'm not satisfied... but I'm still hoping to be surprised.

overload.

A series of somewhat organized but meandering current thoughts after tonight, when I couldn't say anything in the spur of the moment. I don't normally talk about this to most people unless someone asks and I feel mentally able to at that point (of course most people don't really broach the subject unless you're direct and honest like someone who I really appreciate even though I never really responded back the same way). Which is why I tend towards being quiet and someone asks why I'm so quiet at the opportune time. It's just taken me a long time to get from a point of not knowing much of anything to this half-formed state presently. and I need time to process my thoughts into something cohesive and not just an idea that continuously stabs me when I least expect it to because I'm half-listening to a podcast show from NPR or music in the car while worrying about little day-to-day issues like how am I going to talk to these people today.

My first immediate reaction to this is that I should relax a bit more in general (I think I felt my pulse rise and I feel like I'm having heartburn right now), and yes but no, this matters enough to not leave around hanging to dry. Apologies for the post overload.

(For some reason I randomly jumped from second-person to first-person thoughts in the middle. Oh well.)

---

Hey there. You, yes you.

Okay, it doesn't feel quite as authentic typing it into here this way. (I was having a full out conversation-war with myself earlier.) The process of writing-typing means that inevitably, some thoughts will come out filtered rather than the way they usually do when you're sitting there staring at yourself in the mirror. Which you rarely do because you're too afraid of looking at yourself in the mirror. Too afraid to acknowledge yourself for who you are. All your faults and failings and shortcomings.

You're not the kind of role model you'd hoped you'd be, although even the idea of being a role model doesn't exactly appeal to you. Who would look up to you? Who should look up to you? You feel like people are better off with someone better, more upright and stronger in their values and beliefs. That's why you never even bothered trying to work with younger folks, kids, mentoring roles. and good lord, don't even think about discipling someone, because your beliefs probably are too far marginalized from the norm and wouldn't necessarily conform well enough.

Okay. Maybe that wasn't the right term to use, but you know it's true. You're too afraid of sticking out like a sore thumb, being the one voice that dares to question what the leader says even when it springs up doubts in you. But instead it leads you to start thinking more judgmentally about your fellow Christians around you, because obviously you know better (but remember, be humble so not really) and wow you can't believe he didn't know that? No, the Bible doesn't explicitly condemn alcohol itself except when it's in excess as in drunkenness, and with Leviticus it's pertains to specifically when entering the tent of meeting and not in general (but you just read Leviticus so of course you know that now). but particulars aside, it's not about the knowledge so much as it is about what you do with it, right?

[how can you not know your own religion?]

You're too afraid of becoming sucked into an insular community - one that isn't in touch with the lives of those outside it in completely different areas. When people mention that they don't have many people they can pray for who aren't experiencing God and you feel completely the opposite way, and your pray for five is more like pray for everyone and help me I need prayer too. Because you choose to remain in those areas yourself? Because you yourself don't feel like you're experiencing God the same way? It's been a long time since you last heard anything coherent except you don't really know whether you heard anything to begin with or if that was just wishful thinking or you just aren't really trying to listen right now. If it weren't for the past...

[the only thing is that you can ask your god for help. I cannot.]

All you have left is this voice in your head that you think is just you yourself except you aren't consciously fully aware of how much of what it's saying is coming from you. The little things it says that leave you second-guessing and makes you wonder if you're really just crazy and talking to yourself. And when you're going about your day to day, you don't want to listen to it or confront it because it'll just remind you of all the issues you ought to be confronting right now but you aren't because you just want to play your game again or do whatever it is you feel like at this moment. When instead you should figure out what you really believe, and WHY you believe it. and don't just go along with the flow because you want it to be true. Could you look at yourself in the mirror and admit, "this is who I am" ? Why are you here right now?

[he just wants to know that this is the truth.]

You haven't been fair or honest to him, to be honest. And he or it or somebody's been giving you all of these chances that you've been throwing out to just continue doing your own thing. You said to your friend that it's all on the table now, [woe is the life of a skeptic], but is it really? You still can't comfortably talk to someone and tell them that this is what you really believe, and you aren't really acting on what you say you ought to believe, but you're still around here somewhere. You're still here. Waiting for the right person to come up to you and really ask how you're doing, without the pressure of a dozen eyes all watching at once to see or hear your testimony of where you're at right now, at a point where the more you learn, the more you read, the more you grow unsure of the experiences you thought you had and start chalking it mostly up to your own will. I'm here because I decided to be here years ago. And I believe what I did was right.

and that's why... I respect those who came to their own conclusions, because for whatever the reason, I seem to be unable to fully settle. but I stand here on one side of the fence because I still believe that there's still something to be gained by being here that I wouldn't be receiving from were I not. The reliable consistency of a weekly community, the opportunity to talk about personal issues where you wouldn't feel comfortable elsewhere even if you haven't fully broached those topics that bother you. the backwards part of my conscience that affirms that I'm here because I should be here, because where would I be otherwise? Not caring at all, and an indifferent life is by no means a better one.

I wish the answers were simpler. I have no right to condemn anyone, and I feel ambivalent about whether or not God really would also right now, considering the picture that we see of Jesus seems so different from the Father of the Old Testament even though his beliefs may not stray far at all. Of course reading through the OT hasn't been so reassuring. The entire world of that time period just feels messed up like most of human history. And you wonder, was it really all that necessary for this? To teach a lesson to us now? What about the people who went through it then? What choice did they have? And why doesn't history corroborate it so much? It's not flattering, it's not pretty, and it doesn't seem right so much to us now, the picture of him that we get from it.

It was both on them and God, but moreso God. Not so much a Calvinist interpretation, but a sovereign synergist one. But that lends itself towards an non-permanent hell which might not jive with anyone theologically, for where is the consensual basis for it.  But how can you really be debating theology like this when you haven't even settled the most basic question: do you really believe right now? Do you really, deep down inside, want to see and trust him now? Trust in someone you can't really perceive?

I cannot conceive of the ways. The how. The why. I think it's unfair to pin the blame all on God for this state of affairs. Sometimes it feels more like people prefer to stick with being atheist as a reaction because if God really existed then they'd have to unleash a lot of anger and ugly thoughts on him, they'd have someone to blame it all on, and it'd make the situation that much worse to confront. How could you set up this sick, twisted situation, this illusion that compels us to do the wrong thing because it's easy. Because it's appealing. Because we're just messed up and built that way. Job was no better an answer than a bitch-slap to the face. And there's something relieving and comforting about realizing that you don't really have a reason for being mad at someone who doesn't even exist.

But all this talking about God and not really doing anything about it. What do you have to say to me now.

I'm sorry. For being stubborn. and choosing to fall back on behaviors that I know I shouldn't do regardless of where I am right now.

I sat there during worship, my head abuzz like there was a war going on between me, myself, and God. It's like what Sang mentioned about the introvert mind. It just feels like a storm or hurricane that never really stops, when all the external crap is over, it's always still there. I wanted to cover my face right there because I was falling somewhere between asleep and half-dreaming and going mad at the words I was hearing from that voice or saying to myself at the same time, second-guessing the basis of everything in my life and challenging me to do something about it when I didn't have a journal and pen handy to process all of this input because I didn't plan ahead properly for a worship and prayer night after a long drought of all times. Imperfectly played worship music has that kind of an odd effect on me like that... but it's also why I don't like listening to recorded album-quality contemporary worship music either, because it ironically doesn't feel authentic enough to my personal experience even though the music we play is trying to reproduce it.

Have you had enough of your life now? Are you satisfied with leaving it all up to the whims of a seemingly capricious maker who would actually know more than he's letting on because we just suck at interpreting things we can't understand (but why didn't you make it any more reasonable for us then?) and puts us into situations that he already knows the resolution to? It would be so much easier and probably logical to say that it's much simpler than that, and we're just making much ado out of nothing like we tend to do with those conspiracy theories and such. Sagan had a point after all. I have half a mind to guess whether or not a number of the experiences I've heard were as real as others have made them out to be, and I'm afraid of what I hear coming from the words of the more vocally devout of the bunch, those prayer warriors. Passion and ecstasy without total knowledge or the full truth is a terrifying sight to behold... for how it could go wrong. But I still somehow respect it for being passion. and full of life, all be it a somewhat foreign one to me.

Sometimes I worry that we're all just misguided about the truth in some way. I'm almost anti-people-who-are-completely-sure-of-themselves, but that can get annoying fast, because most of the time we need people who are sure of themselves even when certainty isn't there, or else we'd never move aywhere. And that thought in itself is my own certain belief so I'm just contradicting myself.

Thoughts aside, I'm hardly all that loving or even trying that hard on a regular basis, so long as it's convenient to, and I look up to those who demonstrate so much greater capacity to love others as themselves and can give up so much, regardless of who or what they are. And that's what matters foremost to me... And I should act on it more and not just settle for achieving some kind of resolution in my beliefs. Faith without works is dead.

a moment

cynicism is unhealthy.

so I came, hoping for some kind of a resolution to these things. even as I looked at, or rather looked down upon the lyrics sitting in front of me. how simplistic they were. it's one of those little pet peeves I have with worship lyrics. I feel predisposed to dislike them if I'm looking at them without the accompanying music, because just reading them... whose words are these, really? is this the best that we can come up with? something so trite sounding, so common, devoid of thought?

I've always had an issue with it. That tendency to just turn your mind off and not even think about what you're singing. You could easily change the lyrics to something more offensive, something downright disgusting, but with those Christianese chords playing, you would hardly tell the difference unless you stopped yourself for a moment to actually look at them. What's the purpose of singing, or even speaking, words you're hardly aware of, words you would hardly believe if you were paying attention?

Even though I desperately want to believe them.
It's funny how well they stick in your head even when you don't really feel the same way.

It goes even beyond that. Do I really believe the words I pray? The words I hear other people praying? Do we really, earnestly mean the words we say? If I had a penny for every time I've heard someone say, "I'm seeing a picture of..." or "I feel like God is putting this word on my heart..."

It's the fear that these feelings, these emotions, aren't real. That they're imagined, misguided, self generated, out of a hope, out of a desire, out of a whim, a random thought that just came out of nowhere because our minds just happen to operate on random thoughts. That we're just fooling ourselves deep down inside with forced emotions, hoping that if we lie to ourselves enough, that those lies will eventually become truth. I thought of the testimony I heard, where after the fact it turned out that the wine still tasted like water, but everyone just went along with it anyway, and it was still amazing what work was being done.

What bull-

But I have no right to say so, because our experiences are subjective... right?

And then the music started playing, and all of the voices, in all of their imperfection. I'd forgotten what it had felt like. This acknowledgement of everything that's wrong with us, how we create and cause our own problems for ourselves. and we sit here, in imperfect harmony, singing and yearning for something more, something better and beyond us, that we can only sense the shadow of but not perceive yet. and I'm not the only one who heard it.

and I thought to myself, this is why. This is why we're here, even though it doesn't have everything that we're hoping for. The resolution isn't there yet, nor is that setting I'm looking for, and it's not something that I'm expecting right now. Because just as we go on, so does life. and so does God.... in pursuit.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

an exposition

"How can you not know your own religion?"

I don't know how long it's been now, but those words (paraphrased or remembered incorrectly? maybe.) from a friend still stick out in my head. A comment on how the general trend in American culture is towards anti-intellectualism and people just not knowing the details of what they're supposed to believe, and how in some perverse sense it's actually encouraged in some places. It's been said that if people actually knew the controversial stuff that the Bible says sometimes, or actually read it for real, there would probably be a lot less "Christians" in the world. And that there's a trend that the more educated a society is in general, the less religious people are? I don't find it hard to believe.

Lately I've been growing rather preoccupied with... well, being "right" so to speak, although that sounds kinda petty when I think about it. I worry a lot about getting things wrong about God, about the way I'm supposed to be living - if there really is such a concrete thing like that - and about the truth in general. A lot of the questions that nonbelievers and others ask do get to me, even if I don't really have an answer or end up being silent about them because I haven't educated myself on the topic at hand. When I acknowledged this to a friend, I was asked - why haven't I tried to learn?

So for the past few years I've been trying to educate myself more on particular subjects, such as Christian history and theology and other writings, and the nature of the differences between the different denominations and churches, and why they exist in the first place - hopefully looking more into other religions in the future (although Perspectives was a good experience. :) ). This is partly because of my own personal doubts, and partly because of a felt need to know exactly where I stand on these issues and why I do, because such knowledge affects the choices I make in the future as well as how I approach everything from politics to my relationships with other people to the church I commit to.

I'll probably be updating more on where I am in later posts, just to keep track of where I'm going. But for now, I guess to provide some background and be more explicit on what's mulling in my head, a list of thought points... which I always seem to end up doing. I would try to make it flow more like an essay, but my mind tends towards random discrete points anyway.

• I went to a non-denominational church and a private Christian school based out of that church up through middle school, both predominantly white. Non-denominational by definition means not adhering to a particular denomination, but in practice (at least in the OC) implies Protestant, evangelical, typically reflective of the conservative beliefs you would find on the right in America.
• I've given a brief testimony/summary before to some people (and Perspectives/Hospitality Team when I was in them) regarding high school going into college and then IV, and I don't feel like writing out the specifics here cause it'd take too long to detail again. If you want to know, just ask me sometime. 
• I guess a simple way to sum up my progression thus far would be that the perspectives I've seen of my friends and others throughout high school and college have largely shaped or influenced my beliefs till now. I think the other Ryan is the only person out of my closest friends who is currently Christian. IV in most respects was more of a secondary community for me than a primary one, and it was difficult to keep going sometimes.
• With regards to politics - I don't believe that the particulars of religious morality (specifically addressing gay marriage, abortion, etc.) should be enforced on people who aren't believers. That said, I don't feel very strongly on whether or not they are sins to begin with - it really depends on the context for me. I also dislike how often Christians seem to make it necessary to vote religious preferences into politics - it's like no one believes in separation of church and state.
• I tend to have a moderate-liberal bias when it comes to most issues now (although I don't feel informed enough on the economic side of things yet), regardless or in spite of my religion. In some ways the more left-leaning option just sounds more justifiable to me, practically speaking. [I wish we had a better option than the current two party system, and if anything the Democratic party isn't left enough. I had a hard time paying attention to the debates yesterday, but what sense I could make of it was depressing to watch. I also feel bad for Lehrer even though he did kind of... not do so well.]
• This is probably true of a lot of people, but I often don't like being classified as an "other," as a "Christian" in the same sentence with mainstream political Christians and such, when I don't feel like I have that much in common with them, even though I should own up to the fact that our belief system is of the same root.
• As said last time, I don't entirely know where I stand in relation to the denominations right now. I find myself agreeing with a lot of Eastern Orthodox theology... in principle, at least, and leaning further away from standard Protestant or specifically Calvinist theology (I don't think I could be Catholic, but that's another story). But I still feel most at home in a more progressive and diverse Protestant community, and I don't entirely like the Orthodox claim to being the one true church, when officially even the Catholic church doesn't consider them outside anymore. Last I checked, anyway. 
• My last post on being skeptical about testimonies was particularly directed at the experiences found in charismatic/Pentecostal church settings. That said, I admire the amount of passion that they seem to have in worshiping God - I kinda wish I had the capacity to do so in the same magnitude.
• One of my bigger struggles for the longest time now has been with trying to discern whether or not I actually love God. I don't know if I do so much. I don't feel that my actions thus far have reflected any real sense of loving... God, in part because I find it hard to relate to someone who for the most part comes across as more unknowable the more I try to know him, even if that is to be expected. 
• That said, I haven't really been doing a good job of committing and being faithful either, which may partly factor into it. It's part of the reason why I feel (and have felt in the past) so reluctant to actually be a discipler or small group leader for other people, because I don't feel strong enough in my own faith to be able to effectively lead other people spiritually. [I know, God's known for using people in spite of having such kinds of weaknesses... I just don't see myself conforming very well to the progression of a church/community and being honest at the same time, though.]
• My small group leader asked me awhile back why I was Christian, to which I didn't have much of an answer outside of because it felt right. Because for some reason right now, I can't make myself not believe in the resurrection and that Jesus's path is right, at least; it's the reverse issue of those atheists who say that they can't just make themselves believe in God. I tend to agree with them there in that belief isn't just something you force to happen, although I disagree with the subset of people who think that we're delusional for believing anyway. 
• That said, part of me always second-guesses myself and wonders how much of this is me wanting to believe vs. actually believing for a good reason. I guess the requisite question would be, what can change the nature of a belief? Which almost always has boiled down to personal experience for most people, so far as I'm aware. I don't entirely know what to make of mine so far.
• The other big struggle for me as been in regards to the status of nonbelievers, considering that most of my closer friends are that. I find it hard to accept stories of people being "convinced" through some experience or vision of Jesus somehow, considering that I know people who desperately wanted to believe in him and just wound up... not believing because they couldn't. Or used to and now no longer - and I don't really buy into the idea of "once saved, always saved" that comes out of Calvinism. It makes me reflect on my own experience - wondering why I feel okay with accepting some things that other people just can't. 
• I have a lot of respect for professed ex-Christians (or ex-anything, actually). I think it takes a lot of courage, honesty, and integrity to be able to admit to yourself that you don't actually believe, cause the whole process of losing that aspect of your belief system (and knowing what that might mean if it were actually true) and making that known to your peers strikes me as one of the most terrifying experiences you could possibly have. 
• "I am not saved; I am in the process of being saved" is probably my favorite teaching from the Eastern perspective. I feel that it reflects my experience more accurately than other concepts I've heard of salvation. 
• "So... do you ever have fun?" - Erin, when I talked to her on related stuff recently. Yeah. back to that.

on doubt

double post.

It makes me wonder, you know. How vastly different this experience is for a lot of people. When I read people's testimonies, especially the ones that go on about how much God was working here and there, there's a part of me that wonders how real it is. Like, I guess it'd be nice if it were true, but is it, fully, entirely, really?

I guess you could extrapolate that to most of what we talk about in Christianity in general. In some ways I feel like my heart's been hardened (Christianese, I know... can't think of a better way to put it >_>) to a lot of the stuff that get said here over time. You have to approach it with a certain mindset that's willing to accept the things that people say and believe at face value, in spite of the fact that people tend to be known for embellishing the truth or exaggerating when the situation fits it, or even lying to themselves. Maybe because I've been feeling self-conscious of all the times I've been guilty and done the same myself, and wondering, if I could do it that easily, what's not to say that other people haven't been doing it too?

I still don't know where I stand on a lot of this. I'm somewhere in-between, half-wanting to believe but still second-guessing a lot of what I see. Couldn't it all just be just convenient coincidences? And if you answer with the usual - faith, trust in God - why? Why does God value it so much?

Sometimes I feel like the main reason I still stick around is because I can't shake this feeling, inside somewhere, that this is real, against my other senses. I still can't bring myself to fully trust God and go much further than that, which is why I still feel somewhat like an outsider whenever I am around. Why I feel more at home when I'm outside the room than when I'm in. Why I feel so resistant to fully committing to a church, to worship, to a particular theology, to a denomination, to a belief system, to anything in general.

The more I read, the more I learn, the more perspectives I see, the more I find myself distancing from what I believed and thought I knew, to the point where I just throw my hands up and am just left with a bunch of unanswered questions. Sometimes I feel like that's what this life is, or what God intended it to be. Just a bunch of unanswered questions.

I admire people who are much stronger than me in what they believe and have the courage to say and do something good and meaningful about it. I don't feel anywhere close to being at that point right now, in spite of what others might have told me in the past - and I've been mostly silent on this for a while. I think I've grown too accustomed to being paralyzed and indecisive, and leaving the choices out there for another day... like all of the other big decisions in life. Procrastinating on God himself.

I should start taking some real risks for once, though, and not just mope about everyday looking for the next big entertaining distraction to come along. Distractions can only turn away attention from the sickness, from the emptiness for a while, while it continues to grow and fester inside. And honestly, every so often when the distraction is gone, especially when I'm at church and have trouble paying attention (because the sermon doesn't always flow in a way that my mind can follow), I can feel it.

A slow, dull, deadening inside.

I think I'm overdue for a new journal.

Some scattered thoughts.

- Most of my hometown friends are still going to school. As in, not finished with undergrad yet, with a few exceptions (most of which are still looking at grad/post-grad schools). Especially now that Berkeley's starting up again, I feel really weird about not going back to school. Although granted, if I did go back this semester, I'd probably just take the new Machine Learning class/Databases/Probability/another semester of Japanese.

...Oh wait, that's a full semester there. -_-

But to be honest I'm kinda glad I'm done with school, or at least for now. I feel ready to move on with life.

- Thinking about building my own desktop at some point, probably once I'm settled in up north. I'm afraid the entire process of picking out individual parts might end up in the same way as my previous schedule planning/pokemon team planning obsessions, though...

The worst part of having this kind of obsession is when you spend more than 6 hours deliberating over whether or not to make one change to your current plan, only to decide not to change it anyway... only then to come back to that change repeatedly over the course of the next month because you started to regret your original decision. This is pretty much the story of every schedule and pokemon team I have made in college.

- Speaking of computers, Lappy2 (my laptop)'s been a bit sluggish and warm lately. I called Dell up the other day to replace the palm-pad- the part of the laptop where my hands rest- for an unrelated reason and in the process got sent a new fan, heat sink, and motherboard for free. And a technician to install everything. Having an active warranty is great.

- After messing around with Google Reader for a day a few weeks ago, I now have a new incoming article in my reader feed about every five minutes, although sometimes they come in droves.

Yeah, I know it's overkill to the point that I'm suffocating myself with information. I've been trying to cut back since. But it's incredibly easy to fall into that trap of consuming feed content for hours.

- Indonesia trip... was not a good experience this year, although the food was delicious as usual, up until we all got sick. I wound up going to the ER a week later due to complications from the trip's sickness combining with the cold I caught right when I got back, but luckily that only lasted a few hours. Moral of the story: drink lots of fluids (though not water alone cause it's easy to throw back up again) and eat lots of bananas.

And if you think you're about to pass out, lie down so that you don't accidentally hit your head on anything as would likely happen if you passed out while standing or sitting up.

- I was originally going to make a post about the Florida trip during winter break... and then Disneyland during the summer, but I never really got around to that and now my memory's kinda foggy. Maybe something about Disney World later since most people I know haven't been there before. Reminder to self to get back to this later.

- In the middle of reading Simple Spirituality, a book I bought at Fall Con last year. The points the author hits on resonate pretty well with the issues I struggled with this past year- namely community (see May 7th post) and humility, although simplicity and submission have been pretty relevant chapters also. I kinda wish there was more discussion on these topics beyond what the book gives (it's a pretty short read), but it's nice to start by at least focusing the discussion around these topics.

One thing in particular that the book brought up while reading today is how easy it is to turn the idea of self-sufficiency into an idol. I find this especially true since I hate having to depend on people, even though I actually do depend on others a lot. Likewise, I don't like being depended on all that much... or at least to the point that it winds up being my fault for not being reliable when I'm apparently needed. I guess I hold a lot of stock in the ideal of being a self-sufficient person.

It's not that being self sufficient is a bad thing. It's just that... it's good to know when to admit that you need help. And a lot of the time I'm too stubborn to admit that much. Particularly in the way I've been talking to God lately... I've hardly admitted any real need for him. In which moments I wonder why I bother praying if I'm not willing to admit that I need him in the first place.

Reservations

Church at home feels a lot different from the churches I've experienced in the Bay area. I've been going to the same church since first grade since it was connected to the elementary-middle school I went to. Haven't bothered to change much since then, partly out of laziness and partly because I've never really been home long enough since college started to invest in another community. Not to mention I'm moving up in a couple of months.

Things I've noticed in the past while:

1. The church campus has changed a lot in the past 4 years. There used to be a lot of other buildings here, back when my school occupied the campus during the week. (the school moved to a different campus my last year there). They got torn down and replaced with a couple of new, smaller or more compressed buildings, resulting in there being a wide walkway where there used to be building. I can still remember the old campus pretty vividly in my head; I revisit it in my dreams sometimes. If anything, it felt a lot bigger in my memory.

2. I only noticed my first week back here that almost all of the congregation is white. For some reason it never occurred to me until now to look at the makeup of the people attending, or I just never thought about it, and it never bothered me. The more that I think about it, I realize Berkeley was my first real exposure to a place with majority Asian composition.

3. I have no problem with the sermons, but I don't feel comfortable with the fact that there are stagelights (as if we're at a concert... in some senses it all feels like one) and that lyrics for worship are overlayed on a videofeed of the singers themselves that changes camera angles frequently. It feels like watching a televangelist service within the service itself, and it makes me start to question what exactly is being valued in service nowadays. I mean, at least to someone who's familiar with smaller churches, a lot of the stuff going on around the stage is pretty distracting. Most of this was only added in the past couple of years too.

4. The church has grown big enough that they even have a parking shuttle now to transport people to the parking lot across the street. At my high school.

5. There's the tradition when the service starts to shake hands and say hello to the people sitting around you, which has been around for as long as I can remember. However, after the service ends, we never really stick around long enough to talk to anyone other than say hi to one or two families we recognize if we see them. A lot of times I get the impression that the people I shake hands with don't really want to do this... but either way, it's pretty impersonal.

6. Messages are targeted more for a suburban family demographic that tend to be living pretty well off (seeing as how it's the OC), with more emphasis on the practical. A lot of the newer stuff they've been covering here wind up being stuff I already knew to a certain extent from other experiences (going to IV and other churches has its perks). I was surprised to hear the word hermeneutics used last week, though - I guess I wasn't expecting that kind of stuff to show up here. In light of the May 21 scare, it was nice to hear straight from the pulpit a "don't take Revelation so literally, cause you're missing the point" message, I guess.

7. I still feel like an outsider after all these years. Granted, I haven't really tried to fit in either - and to be honest I feel really disconnected from the community here, in part because of the general demographics and how big it's grown. I have trouble picturing myself living in this kind of environment in the future - it just doesn't feel... right to me.

This is more reflective of how I feel about living here in general, though: I'm fine staying at my parent's house for breaks and whatnot, but I honestly cannot picture myself in this environment on my own, as an adult, as an individual. Even though it's nice to not have to worry about stuff like having your mail stolen or shady people on the street (I used to have nightmares about gunmen breaking into our yard when I was younger) - it's too nice. Living comfortably has never felt so uncomfortable.

low.

Went clothes shopping today. Midway through, started mentally seething over remarks made to me about my taste in clothes over the past XX years. Next thing I knew I was holding two shirts that I didn't remember picking up and couldn't tell if I liked or not.

Being home doesn't take away problems. It just masks them under other priorities until the most random little thing brings it all out into the open again. I've lost count of the number of times this week I've caught myself cussing under my breath after suddenly remembering something I didn't want to remember, in the middle of grocery shopping, or eating at a restaurant, or hanging out with people at home.

God, I need healing here.

SSB

I acknowledge that our community is far from perfect, but I had a good time the past few days. Thank you, IVCCF senior class, for making such an enjoyable and meaningful beach house trip. Even though I hate beaches.

Also, thanks for the garlic croutons and potato bread. :D

I need a break that isn't wasted by distractions. I don't feel like I've really been able to really think about things for a while, and even when I have time to think... I end up wasting time instead. Thoughts on hand:

- Things that ticked me off this week: the tsunami. "pearl harbor" remarks about the tsunami. infamous ucla girl. this wikileaks cable. video of a bahrain protestor who had the back of his head blown off. (this one made me sick to my stomach.)
I don't comment often about stuff happening in the news, because I find that half of the time the news ****ing pisses me off.

- Still not thinking about the future yet, except that it scares me because I don't really know what I want right now. ultimate job-wise.

- At the moment I feel like I'm over school, but nowhere near over learning yet. however, it feels like school is interfering with what I want to learn right now... actually, I just want to catch up on classes, but my schedule itself is somewhat interfering with that. -_-

- For whatever the reason I have been feeling averse to worship lately. or maybe just the majority of worship songs. I think I mentioned before that I don't really enjoy worship songs the same way I usually enjoy music in that I don't like listening to the original artists who composed the song performing them. Most of what I liked about worship was hearing it in a more personal setting - only nowadays, I'm finding it harder to enjoy even that anymore.

- I am not in the mood to talk to people when they are engaged in other things, although I am very much guilty of this myself.

- Having personal issues with being sure of anything anymore. It struck me how much there is that I don't actually know, that ought to influence how I see things.

- I'm in the middle of one of those low seasons in the semester right now, which is why everything sounds so dreary. It feels kinda comparable to (not that I would know how it would actually feel like) that moment when the disciples were panicking in that boat in the storm while Jesus was sleeping in it. And then he wakes up, chastises the wind and the waves, and asks the disciples, "Where is your faith?"

I am more or less waiting for that moment right now, because presently I'm having trouble seeing past a bunch of long-term future junk. But otherwise, day-to-day life is actually all right.

A Step

I am paralyzed by the feeling that what I'm doing right now is meaningless in light of better things that can and ought to be done. Self-consciously judging all of my current activities and devaluing them in comparison to things that actually matter, things that for whatever the reason I never saw fit to take interest in. Because somehow learning to play music is better than whatever I'm doing, because somehow baking and cooking is better than whatever I'm doing, because making cards and gifts for people is better than whatever I'm doing. Whatever I'm doing is nothing.

These comparisons are not healthy, I know. But they just come up unavoidable, in light of feeling conscious that my life could be so much more than it actually is, if I even bothered to take a single step in the other direction. To have drive, for once. God, what more could I be doing with this dead hull of a life? What more could I be doing now if I just gave it all up to you already? Why am I waiting so long to do this?

I just keep finding excuses to toss in front of the rug. Just one more game, one more book, one more episode, one more time, one more night, to live and be carefree and ignorant of the greater world. There is so much more I'd like to do before I give it all up. Give everything up, including this life that I have almost come to believe that I have nothing more to expect from. Nothing but disappointment, misunderstanding from other people, and loneliness. A life full of relationships that I can never fully realize in my lifetime, that I cannot do anything about anymore, because someone or another gave up on them a long time ago.

I am afraid of giving it up, because I am afraid of the possibility that it all might just stay the same afterward. Afraid that God's answer is no, you won't see the things you want to see take place in your lifetime no matter what you do anyway, because that just isn't part of what I have planned.

So much I am blinded by the possibility of disappointment from the things I can see, and not hopeful for the promise of good things from that which I cannot see. So much so that I stopped talking. Stopped believing. Continued doing. Continued sinning. Because I had nothing more to expect from this fruitless, meaningless life.

God, I want to believe. So much. But belief of this level takes an amount of commitment on my part that I've been to this point unwilling to take.

So begins my resolution for this year. God first, for once in my life. Then we'll see what happens.

Tonight

I tried to ragequit into my journal, but my pen ran out of ink.

I think God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.

On another note:

Jenn Ross: [The music player] keeps looping the freaking drummer boy...

But in all seriousness

This week has been a mix of good and bad. Actually, this entire month, semester has been full of it.

I think I've grown too used to expecting just a period of all-good experiences or a period of all-bad experiences, so now I get a period of mixed emotions, and I feel confused. My mind has trouble grasping the concept of good and bad things happening simultaneously - partly cause I like to see things happening with purpose in the long run. And it aggravates me when I somehow end up getting better off than I deserve, even in times when I ought to be thankful... I dunno.

Lately I've been feeling a lack of passion... motivation. I have no desire to do what I'm currently doing, and start questioning why I even started doing them in the first place. I had a lot of optimism at the beginning of the semester, but it started to die off when that raytracer project came around, and suddenly lost track of the routine I'd built up. And then all of a sudden the activities I'd invested in - things IV related, my major, Japanese, research, so on... I stopped caring about all of them.

I also started being more distant with people. I don't feel comfortable being at home a lot, for reasons I don't even know, so sometimes I'd just want to go somewhere. The library, sure. I had a lot of moments where I'd have things I wanted to say, but they wound up just buried with time. I don't remember all of the times things just happened that made me upset, but I couldn't - or didn't - do anything about them. And then I started falling into bad habits - obsessing over to-do lists again - and just prioritizing being alone at home over other things. And the list of things that frustrated me continued to stockpile.

But there were good things too. I'm going to work at Cisco next year. The times at small group, Perspectives, Hospitality - those were all blessings. Some good conversations. Somehow getting by in classes even in spite of my laziness. Even just getting to know some people better was good.

But up to a certain point, it just became an endless cycle of insert good thing, fall back into solitary indifferent mode, insert another good thing, repeat. Sometimes multiples times within the same day. It was really jarring - and then last week large group. Some good things happened, and then I almost felt like I suffocated - physically? mentally? spiritually? near the end. I couldn't bear to be in the presence of the good things I wanted to experience. I don't even understand what I'm writing right now. It's a paradox.

I made a number of promises to God. And I broke all of them. And I found myself doing things that I know God didn't want me doing, and I didn't care - I just wanted to do them anyway. And that was what I couldn't take in the most - I would see some good things happen at the same time, and then I would think, but if only I'd been more committed, if only I'd prioritized you more, if only... how much better would this be! That combined with the feeling that I should not be reaping anything considering the fact that I felt like I hadn't sown anything. It almost got to the point of me wondering, "does it matter what I'm doing right now?" Good things happen to people who don't deserve them.

What I'm afraid of most is falling into a mundane, lonely routine come next year, which I feel like I am heading towards given the way I've been this year. Striving to do only just well enough to get by, but not trying to make the most of what I have - because I am okay with settling for passable circumstances. Because I don't even care about striving to do my best anymore. I just want to play games or read all the time. What the hell, I'm a horrible role model.

It makes me wonder why I bother living day-today, if this is all I'm going to care about. God, go find someone else who will actually DO things with what you give them. Someone who actually has a passion for this life. Stop showing me things cause I'm probably not going to bother even if I see it.

Why I never see myself as a mentor to people. Why I never seem to be able to reach out - to have those deep conversations with the people I want to have deep conversations with. Why I cannot stand myself.

Furthermore, how my issues resolved themselves - they haven't really. I'm still dealing with them right now. And if any of them did resolve, there was no real act of reconciliation with God or anything like that. I just continued moving on with life. It's times like this where I feel like I ought to have some mind-altering revelation or a major turnaround in life or something - but nothing. I'm still the same old, same struggling person. I don't even know anymore.

God, I don't know what you want with me right now. You know what I cared about before. Those things I asked. I'm sorry for not keeping on task with you on them. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because I stopped believing you'd do anything a long time ago. Maybe it's because I'm too stubborn to grasp at the things you're letting me grasp in light of the things that I want that I haven't been able to grasp. Whatever the case, should I say thank you for putting up with me even now? Even though I might just turn on you tomorrow? Or the day after that?

My mind is too feeble and short sighted to make sense of all of this right now. I'll just say that despite all that I've said about losing passion and motivation this semester, I know that part of me still cares. The part that I saw come back in pieces yesterday, and today while working... You still got me.

God, you still got me.

Resolution.

I have a lot more to write here than what's actually gotten on here lately... but I haven't really been finding the words I'd want to say each time. I don't like the fact that actual, thought out posts tend to take me an hour+ to write, and that I only seem to ever find the time to do them when I should be sleeping (see the fact that it's 5:30 in the morning right now). But enough about blogging.

Lately:

- Fall Con
- uncertainty about next year will be like
- conflict.
- I do a lot of things to be consistent, but at the same time I'm pretty inconsistent.

- I've been eating nothing but meat (or rather, things that happen to have some meat?) since the fast ended (plus some eggs I guess...). But after Hot Pot City, which is probably the most meat I've eaten in a month, I kinda realized that meat doesn't really have the same appeal that it used to. I dunno, after a while I got sick of looking at/smelling the meat on the table. I still love seafood though.

- My priorities have been kinda messed up for the past month. Err, they got a bit better this week, but they still keep shifting a lot. One day it'll be work, the next day it'll be people, the next day it'll be games. Still working on it.

- New tentative schedule (>_>):
CS 164 (Programming Languages and Compilers)
CS 194 (Advanced AI)
MCB 167 (Physiological and Genetic Basis of Behavior)
Japanese 1B (more Japanese)
English 198 (Video Games as an Artistic Medium Decal)

Probably will end up dropping something/auditing whatever gets dropped... I don't know what yet. Ironically I'm only waitlisted in my major classes. I will be particularly upset if I don't get into 164, though.

- I need to learn to say no. And SLEEP ON TIME. (speaking of which, it is 6 AM right now.)

- To be frankly honest, I haven't really been trying to listen to God lately. Ironically, though, after a long time of not saying anything even if I tried to listen, he's been addressing my old prayers one after another... and I feel completely off right now, because I have not been in a receiving mindset for any of these answers. I see the potential for really GOOD things right now, but these past two weeks I have just been squandering that potential and not caring.

Of course, right now I care because I'm writing about it, but come tomorrow, at some point I might not. This feels like a total contradiction right now, and I have trouble making sense of why this is even possible, but this is just what happens. Because I keep finding opportunities to put something else in front of God.

At this point, I just need to man up and give up something for once. And I actually came to this resolution last week after Interpraise, but two days into it I totally succumbed and just continued doing what I normally do... but this needs to change now.

I think I am going to give up my lists for a while. This includes everything that I've made a list of on here in the past, until I can figure out how to balance my life and actually live out this calling for once.

Random Bits of Today

- Internet fixed! I was going to rant about how much this service sucks but eh, really thankful for the tech guy that came out today. He actually was able to explain to me in technical detail what was wrong with our internet. I actually find this kind of stuff interesting... although I think I would be too frustrated to deal with it on a job basis. Especially with a central office that puts it own employees on hold for half hour+.

- Instead of going to class today, I went to the Tang Center and waited 2 hours for have my finger checked. I accidentally slammed a sliding door on my finger last week and the blood trapped under my nail was starting to spread (look up subungual hematoma), making it hurt a loooot. Got sent to urgent care and had a doctor drill two (painless) holes to allow the blood to flow out, easing the pressure underneath. Made me think about how interesting medicine is too...

- Why I love Hospitality Team(well, not the only reasons...):

Slam(on basketball at Chapter Camp): "Guarding Hana Joe is the worst thing ever. It's like trying to guard Hello Kitty... No one wants to punch Hello Kitty!"

Iueh(praying): "God, thank you for the birthing of Aileen... For making her fresh and healthy... How old is she now? 21? Duuude."

(label on package addressed to Grace for Byron): Grace "Byron" Lin

Aileen's yogurt + granola.

Irene's testimony.

Being praised for being the only guy on time-Nah.

~This is the latest I've slept on a school night since last semester. Hooray for midterms.

In the process

of reconciling what I've learned and what I have yet to face.

I feel rather pessimistic right now. Everyday now I'm confronted with signs of things that just aren't right in my life, and then simply trying to live out what I've learned in the past doesn't seem applicable. It doesn't seem "grounded in reality" as someone would put it- because the world is just that much bigger than me, than the places I've grown used to being in, than my home, than Berkeley itself. I find myself cut off from the standard of living that I've been trying to hold onto for the past month.

And then I find myself swearing a lot in my head, thinking thoughts that I don't want to think, because my flow is off. I just think to myself, "I need to sit down and study/catch up with things, and then everything will be back to normal."

Lies.

I can't just go back to my routine lifestyle with a straight face, while simply ignoring the fact that I still need to figure out what the heck I'm doing with my life at some point. I can't ignore the fact that people around me are still afflicted by past scars, and that I still haven't reconciled with that part of me that secretly wants to rage at people for even just the little things that they do that piss me off sometimes. I can't just go on day after to day ignoring God.

In all honesty, right now, I feel very out of it. I can't trace the actual cause right now, besides perhaps a series of bad or otherwise draining events, including this project that basically consumed my life this past week and the lack of time to reflect, but right now I just feel out of it.

And suddenly, it feels completely natural to be a jerk to people. Or at least, in my head. And I can't help but feel consumed with negativity. I almost couldn't bear being at the football game today, because every few seconds I would get ticked off by either the sun, the comments people were making around me, certain plays, the very act of being at the football game, and just random unrelated things that I couldn't get out of my head. Top it off with "I shouldn't be here right now. My mind is not right." On repeat.

This is probably what it means to say that I need rest. From people. From school. And from life.

I think I'm going to take a break from routine for a bit. I need it right now.

God.

This year's theme.

So show your love for the foreigners, for you were foreigners in the land of Egypt.

Deuteronomy 10:19

- from an image in a booklet about the Angel Island Immigration Station

I have a lot of stray thoughts about today, but not too much really cohesive at the moment. Angel Island Trip + 1040 movie, with some AI hw and good fried chicken + waffles in between. I also discovered that I like grits.

I think something that struck me today was Jaeson Ma's statement about the West passing the baton of Christianity to the East. Not entirely sure what I think of it, but it kinda reminded me of a recurring theme that I've been seeing this year - about how mainstream American Christianity is too individualistic. Or rather, characteristic of a society that prioritizes individuals over the community. The latter of which also was a recurring theme in both the debates about why our state/economy is going downhill and the descriptions in People's History of the US about the last few decades.

Just look at the victims of the Angel Island Immigration Station. These were people who were detained for indefinite periods because they could possibly be deemed a threat to the welfare of American society. And the methods used to make sure that they could be detained oftentimes seemed more like the authorities were just looking for loopholes and weak excuses in the law, even though only 5% of the immigrants actually got deported. If anything, it just seemed like a waste of resources to hold these people back for so long.

I think the one thing I've been learning this past year is that being selfish sucks. (which is kinda obvious.) But it's a lot more complicated to deal with selfishness that manifests itself throughout our society, that finds itself reflected in our politics and in how we choose to live out our lives. It makes me keep second guessing whether or not I want to go into industry and just become another cog in the wheel, or if I should try looking for something a bit more... seeking the welfare of the city-ish? (I dunno how else to word this.)

And at the end of the day, religious or not, we're still selfish people. But I'm getting rather tired of being pessimistic about that now, considering the fact that there are people out there actually trying to live out the selfless life. It'd be nice to become one of them.

Joy

The subject of the sermon this week was joy. It came up again during prayer this morning when I (as a result of another not really relevant thought) came to think, what exactly brings joy to my life? I started thinking about the past few days since I came back to Berkeley. Nothing really struck me as a particularly poignant moment of joy - just bits of random interesting moments and just time passing by. I feel like these days are just passing by too fast for me to really reflect or remember what happened. Things just happen, and time goes on.

It's not that I'm not happy or anything - it's more like even when I'm experiencing happy moments, time seems to go by so fast that I don't remember experiencing them. Or I have to think really hard to come up with an example of a moment when I was feeling joyful. And I had a lot of trouble this morning thinking of a joyful moment. Just a lot of "oh, that's nice I guess" moments.

Today went by rather fast again. Morning prayer, tabling with Yvonne and Slam, cleaning up tabling, a nap (which got interrupted by phone calls from Ryan and a moving service), a really good talk with a friend, meeting new freshmen/transfers while getting ice cream at Ici's, stopping by Ryan/Mark/James' apartment and having delicious WHITE SAUCE pasta, freaking out after Mark tried to pull up an eye damage clip from Invader Zim, and then now... Today was a good day, now that I think about it. Even though during it I wasn't entirely conscious of how good/bad it was, and had trouble thinking of joyful moments from the past.

I let a lot of random baggage plague my thoughts today in the midst of everything that happened, and they prevented me from realizing just how good of a day it was till now. Maybe not the best day I ever experienced or anything like that, but these are the kind of days I ought to live for. Even now I still have some doubts lingering in my head... but I just going to say screw it, I'm thankful for today. I think that's good enough for a joyful moment.

Reflections

I have this unhealthy habit of not sleeping (much) on nights before I have a plane flight. This tends to screw me over the following day.

Bible study today indirectly led me to start thinking about my long term goals. Or lack of thereof. I have this tendency to, when I'm not schedule planning classes, think only of the moment. Which doesn't entirely make sense, but it's more to say that I haven't really been thinking so much about why I want to do the things I do now- I just follow whatever mood I happen to be feeling at the time.

This especially struck me when it came to my endless lists of books, movies, etc. Why do I make these lists? Why do I want to read/see these things? Just to say that I have done so in some passing unplanned conversation? Because it makes me sound well rounded, knowledgeable, and experienced? The fact that I too often find myself rushing to get something on my list done just so I can move on to the next item says something about my motivations. It bothers me that I can't find enjoyment in what I'm doing, because most of the time my mind is preoccupied with what I'm going to do next. Lately it's gotten to the point where I catch myself not enjoying what I'm doing, and I force myself to take a break so that when I come back to what I'm doing later, I'll actually enjoy it. But I just wind up switching from the book list to the game list or vice versa.

Ultimately, I'm just looking for things that I can say that I feel proud of having done or seen later. Looking for the next object to add to my "top ten _____ of all time" list. It's all about the pride. Did I mention before how much I hate pride?

During all of this, I'm pretty aware of the fact that I really ought to be doing something more productive with my time. Like spending time with God. But I know the moment I do that, I'm just going to feel ashamed of how petty I'd look in front of him, constantly fretting about my insignificant lists. I try to ignore the fact that he's been watching me the entire time. And I just go about my days, pretending he isn't there, because I want to continue wasting my time with these lists that I'm not really enjoying that much.

It occurred to me today how easy it is to move through life, forgetting about or ignoring God because you're preoccupied with something else. Something new always manages to preoccupy me everyday.

How easy it is to ignore God. Ignore life. How hard it is to listen, to act on something after you've listened. God wants me to stop ignoring my apartment-mates in favor of my latest self-obsession. He wants me to go out and live a life worthy of his calling - to engage people even though it makes me feel uncomfortable, to start praying for people who probably haven't thought anything of me in the last year, to be humble but at the same time not be completely passive in my interactions with people - to actually bring up problems when I see them happen, and DO something about them.

I said earlier that I was starting to feel comfortable about awkward silences. But in retrospect, I might actually be becoming too comfortable with them. To use them as an excuse to ignore people, to not say something when something ought to be said.

...And I'm starting to lose my train of thought here. I should sleep now.