Reflections

I have this unhealthy habit of not sleeping (much) on nights before I have a plane flight. This tends to screw me over the following day.

Bible study today indirectly led me to start thinking about my long term goals. Or lack of thereof. I have this tendency to, when I'm not schedule planning classes, think only of the moment. Which doesn't entirely make sense, but it's more to say that I haven't really been thinking so much about why I want to do the things I do now- I just follow whatever mood I happen to be feeling at the time.

This especially struck me when it came to my endless lists of books, movies, etc. Why do I make these lists? Why do I want to read/see these things? Just to say that I have done so in some passing unplanned conversation? Because it makes me sound well rounded, knowledgeable, and experienced? The fact that I too often find myself rushing to get something on my list done just so I can move on to the next item says something about my motivations. It bothers me that I can't find enjoyment in what I'm doing, because most of the time my mind is preoccupied with what I'm going to do next. Lately it's gotten to the point where I catch myself not enjoying what I'm doing, and I force myself to take a break so that when I come back to what I'm doing later, I'll actually enjoy it. But I just wind up switching from the book list to the game list or vice versa.

Ultimately, I'm just looking for things that I can say that I feel proud of having done or seen later. Looking for the next object to add to my "top ten _____ of all time" list. It's all about the pride. Did I mention before how much I hate pride?

During all of this, I'm pretty aware of the fact that I really ought to be doing something more productive with my time. Like spending time with God. But I know the moment I do that, I'm just going to feel ashamed of how petty I'd look in front of him, constantly fretting about my insignificant lists. I try to ignore the fact that he's been watching me the entire time. And I just go about my days, pretending he isn't there, because I want to continue wasting my time with these lists that I'm not really enjoying that much.

It occurred to me today how easy it is to move through life, forgetting about or ignoring God because you're preoccupied with something else. Something new always manages to preoccupy me everyday.

How easy it is to ignore God. Ignore life. How hard it is to listen, to act on something after you've listened. God wants me to stop ignoring my apartment-mates in favor of my latest self-obsession. He wants me to go out and live a life worthy of his calling - to engage people even though it makes me feel uncomfortable, to start praying for people who probably haven't thought anything of me in the last year, to be humble but at the same time not be completely passive in my interactions with people - to actually bring up problems when I see them happen, and DO something about them.

I said earlier that I was starting to feel comfortable about awkward silences. But in retrospect, I might actually be becoming too comfortable with them. To use them as an excuse to ignore people, to not say something when something ought to be said.

...And I'm starting to lose my train of thought here. I should sleep now.