He's our you.

After tonight's talk I started thinking about earlier this year when I applied for and was seriously considering "relational leadership." Leading based on the foundation and fostering of relationships with other people. It was something I really wanted to do at the time, one of the reasons I really wanted to get more involved in IV to begin with. But then I remembered having that talk with Becky and how she wanted to do LG team because it she didn't want to small group leading get to her pride after a year in the dorms. And then I wondered, what really was my reason applying there? Pride?

Do I really see myself as someone who can relate to people in the way a leader can? Lately, I've just been seeing reasons to doubt myself all over the place. I get incredibly jealous when I see people I know talking to each other for no particular reason other than, I want to be involved in the conversation too, but then when I do get an opportunity to involve myself I just make myself hard to get. Denying something I want. And then a lot of times I feel like I'm not capable of showing the kind of commitment and earnest devotion of people that I see in the leaders in IV.

I went through this phase for a while where I was just sick of dealing with people in general. Sick of trying to reach out to them but just getting shrugged off, treated like the way I acted was unnatural and creepish. Maybe having Josh tell me to go away in middle school just really adversely affected me in some way that now I try to avoid the possibility of being rejected by people altogether, and I'm just not willing to take the risk to reach out to them unless it's convenient for me. I don't speak unless spoken to. That's how it's always been.

Taking risks, was it? Perhaps being in LG team has made it easy for me to fall into that position where I feel like I'm doing things without noticed by anyone. And then I start feeling self-pity again. Such a pitiful cycle I keep falling into. As if the appreciation I do get isn't enough already. As if God's appreciation isn't enough already.

I suppose being on LG team has been a good thing, in some ways. I enjoy Bible study, but I don't feel like I'm emotionally/spiritually ready to actually take on the task of relationally leading if I keep feeling vulnerable to these kinds of feelings on a daily basis. Like maybe this is my challenge this year, to learn to grow above them. I know that I'm not exactly the friendliest or the most outreaching happy person out there (in all actuality I'm pretty cynical... or otherwise indifferent), but that is really more of the way I am in general. I keep telling myself I can change, but it's not like I can just change who I am. My personal identity. Maybe there's just some things I'm not personally capable of that others are.

I wish I could just accept myself for who I am now, and not fall into this trap of never being satisfied with myself. There's always something I could be doing better. But no, I just start sulking and having those moments like that night I walked outside for a while. Just sulking and thinking about ways I could get hit by a car or shot at or bashed in the head by. And not thinking too hard about the consequences. And then suddenly panicking when a real threat does show up. I'm a coward. Of course I don't want to die yet.

I am who I am. I don't need anyone else telling me otherwise.

ageless beauty
cruelty makes its holes but
on the shoreline
time will hold its promise

we will always be a light
you can see it from the surface see it
we will always be a light

---
I haven't been thinking a whole lot about anything for the past while now. Well, actively thinking, anyway. I feel like I've just been passively doing things that I'm required to do or otherwise on a spur of the moment, without actually planning and being proactive about my goals. Wait, what goals?

and at this point my mind is blank.

You ever have those moments where you feel as though you don't have control of your body? and have no idea what the hell you're doing as you're doing it?

it was a nothing moment. a brief, insignificant little thing. I walked up the hill and saw the dog, not understanding why
-the entry is embellished-
or was it a deer? or a lion? I walked back the way I came, I was too scared. I couldn't sit on the stone bench across from that thing, afraid it would come across the street and attempt to bite my throat off, even though just moments earlier I'd imagined myself running into a mugger who would should my face off in the middle of the street because it suited the moment
and I looked at the sky, at the stars, at the things I couldn't see because the street lights and the random noises of people screaming were in the way, obscuring my vision and my enjoyment, a pitiful exchange of safety for an overall atmosphere of confinement
-don't look at me. go away. stay away. don't come closer. I don't want anyone to see me right now-
and I was being moved by a figure that I didn't know, I couldn't feel him but part of me knew or felt that he might be there, telling me? - no, there was no voice, there was nothing but my own emotions guiding me towards that destination that no one else could see in sight, telling me but not telling me to relive those moments, those dreams, that monstrosity up at the Rose Garden
-and I looked at my old entry from April, the one where I said that I wasn't a robot. I hate the term. and how I kept looking straight at this beautiful creation of God and couldn't appreciate it for what it was, a fucking tree-
sitting on the steps waiting for Mom and Dad, staring at the pebbles in front of my piano teacher's house. they would always take forever because they were shopping at a chau or 99 ranch and neglected the fact that my lessons ended at 11 30 and I'd just sit there bored for an hour replaying tiny toons episodes over in my head-
and all those stupid insects that kept coming at me. I tried sitting down on the bench but I didn't want to obscure the names of all the people that had died. it felt like I was doing them an indignity
-lying on the bed, wondering-
- every several weeks in a while I'll have a dream where we're suddenly best friends again. I'm always happy in those dreams, and then I wake up and remember that we don't talk anymore and I'm sad again. I'm making light of nothing. -
because he died in the middle of the crosswalk, got run over by a car and we never saw him again
I refuse to talk to you, because I am stubborn and incompetent and quite frankly don't care about you
-
are you okay?
and I stood there, leaning against the stop sign at the corner of hilgard and scenic, staring up at the sky. it was a bright blue black. the lights were blocking the stars that were out, and I kept hearing random spurts of laughter from people across the distance, and a car once in a while. I wondered whether or not Olivia was living here, with her roommates that I met that one time I visited on Cal Day. and then I stared straight across at the other stop sign in the distance for a while, not really thinking anything. I am as guilty as him.-
a lady asked me for the time along the way back. it might've been 7:30 at the time. I was surprised at how much time had passed since I came to the Rose Garden. Time of me asking why-
and when Ben Linus confronted Jacob, asking him, "What about me?" whereas Jacob follows with, "What about you?"
- can I really just choose not to play Counterstrike? I just don't feel like it. I might enjoy it for about an hour or so, but I don't find that hour of enjoyment worth it. I'll just end up uninstalling it the same day anyway.
- I couldn't get into the same things that other people get into. but then again the people who do tell me to get into them never get into the things that I like anyway, so why should I bother anyway. -
and I looked up at the ceiling for the first time since "music for looking at ceilings" and noticed that the fire alarm was gone, and there was this golden hook that elan would later accidentally rip off -
this is an experiment. which one will you let go?
this one.
- I am not a simple fellow of simple means. I am not a complicated fellow of complex means. I do not think, therefore I am pistachio -
and one of my 32 other personalities was based off of Kaito Kid from the Detective Conan series, complete with a white fedora and tuxedo and cape. he died.
- reach out to the stars.

You feel terrified at the thought of being left behind
Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying
Oh, WE KID OURSELVES THERE'S FUTURE IN THE FUCKING,
BUT THERE IS NO FUCKING FUTURE
I'm just practicing my accents, picking at old sutures

So I started using the journal I got for my birthday, but now I am in an odd sort of dilemma where I am now concurrently writing entries in two different journals. I suppose the handwritten entries are more meant to keep track of the messages I've been receiving at IV and church, as well as perhaps spiritual and really internal developments, but there is a bit of a blurry line between the latter points and the stuff I write about here, which can vary between detached and random and rather personal yet altogether nonsensical babbles. I guess I'll just stick with it for now and see how it goes. The thing going for this blog is that it's easier for me to type entries naturally than to write them, and I usually associate writing with lecture listening.

The past couple of days have been good, message wise and in general wise, but at the same time I've still been feeling a bit of the minor mood swings I've been having for a while. I don't really care so much about the fact that I'm just not generally as open with people right now (I feel like it takes me a lot of energy to actually talk to other people) because I feel like it's just a part of who I've been for the past while now. I feel more inclined to be silent and brooding in some ways, even though I still like talking to people when I do get the chance to. Maybe I just need my quiet time, like now.

Quiet time is a bit of a blur for me also, because there seems to be different levels of quiet time for me. There's the quiet time where I'm zoning out into space and/or daydreaming, which can happen at any given moment, and then there's the quiet time that involves me on this laptop typing long entries such as this where I'm just zoning out other people, and then there's quiet time with God. I've been needing to work on the last one for the longest time now, but I always feel so lazy or tired because I put it off until the last part of the day, when I just want to get into bed and fall asleep. Which is typically what ends up happening.

Part of me still wishes that I were more extroverted, but I guess that is sort of more wishful thinking than anything. I just don't have the energy (or am too lazy) to maintain that kind of existence.

I wonder sometimes what it is I want to get out of interacting with other people. Ultimately I'd like to be able to talk about the deepest things with everyone, but that never ends up being the case. A lot of it is probably coming from my end, because it takes a lot of time to develop relationships with people to the point where you can comfortably talk about that kind of stuff, and you can't just always talk about it either. And sometimes when I do start a conversation of this nature, it doesn't end up going the way I want it to go. But I suppose if everything just happened to go my way it'd be a really boring world, right?

The sermon today mentioned something about how the greatest achievements I will ever make in my life will only be known between me and God. Which is so true. I keep wishing a lot of the time that people would see the side of me that I want them to see, the side that actually is actively interested in other people's well-being and passionate about a lot of things. But that's not something that comes out of me easily. I'm naturally shy around people who I don't know well.

That and I started to question (see earlier) whether or not I actually have passions. I can name things that I end up liking a lot that happen to be unique about me, but that doesn't necessarily equate to have an active passion in them. I had phases where I was really into discovering new and avant-garde kind of music, but then I only feel like listening to music some of the time, and other times I end up playing random anime songs that I find randomly catchy on repeat. It's no wonder why I have so much trouble trying to keep up with the songs that Elan keeps sending me, because a lot of the time I'm not actually in the mood for discovering new music. But if I were in the mood, I probably would like it a lot.

But getting back to the point, I feel like there are a lot of moments that I wish I could have shared with other people if I had the chance. I've actually forgotten a lot of them by now, but for the most part they've pretty much been moments that will probably stay they way they have been. In my head.

It occurred to me that April was probably one of the worst months I have ever experienced in my life.

I am having one of those moments where I just want to do nothing but stare at the computer screen. I never seem to notice the things around me.

I seem to find that I prefer to listen to worship songs being sung in a large group kind of setting rather than sung by the artists that originally performed them. Which is a little annoying because it's harder to find recordings of the former type.

Whew, now that that's over with.

Currently debating whether or not I should try for SwingCal. I'm still worried about time commitments and whatnot, but really, if I don't try at least now I probably will never get to this... we'll see.

For some reason I feel less compelled to speak about what's going on in my head right now. It is not a feeling that I can put into words, for it is not there.

I want to dance in a room where no one can see me.

I have interests, but what about passions?

It's so easy to be apathetic and selfish nowadays, it's kind of annoying.

What does it take to change the nature of a person? To make a person grow? I feel like in some ways it's easy to get so caught up in this ideology of "self-improvement" to the point that it becomes a pride trap. I want this to be earnest about myself, my shortcomings and strengths, without mentally comparing myself to other people.

Nowadays I keep thinking about that one friend who I never seemed to be able to forgive for the longest time. It still hurts a lot. But in all honesty, anything that still lingers beyond this point is just me wallowing in my own bitterness.

I thought I forgave him already for the longest time, but every once in awhile it just comes back again. I start bringing up the good things that have been going on recently in my life, start comparing it to his current situation, and in a sick way I'm somehow satisfied. It's the most disgusting sense of satisfaction I've ever actually had in my life. I hate it. And then I start wondering to myself, why can't I move on already?

Lately all I can think of are my flaws. I keep questioning how earnest I am about every single little pursuit I take, how I can get so caught up in this imaginary world of mine without regard for the real issues around me. How I'm mean and fickle to other people, how I find myself not caring as much as other people about important issues. I am content to only feel when it is convenient to feel, to visit when it is easy to visit, to bother with people when they are standing in front of me but just as easily forget about them when they aren't there.

A statement that came up in my scribbles during biochem lecture today - I do not love.

This summer we discussed how how love (in the agape sense) is self-sacrificial, unconditional, divine. Do I really love my neighbor? The people I see and interact with everyday, walk to school and sit in class with, pester on an everyday basis. Would I really be willing to sacrifice anything for them? Myself?

It seems like I've been so focused on how my pursuits affect me that I've neglected to think about other people all that much. No, I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my time, desires, or will to you if it meant that I wouldn't be able to make up for that sacrifice at a later point. If it's not something I'd find enjoyable even if it does have benefits, I won't do it. Even for you.

Perhaps this is the reason why I find it so hard to love someone. I only "love" out of convenience. Even though I desperately want to love.

I find it difficult to reconcile this contrast between my emotions and my habits. I am a hypocrite like that. The more involved I get, the more I start to question myself. Why aren't I more earnest? Why does everything I do just seem to be a ploy, simply because it's easy to do now?

It's a stark contrast to what 1 John's message was, to me. I question whether or not I am doing this because I feel obligated to, or because I feel compelled to. And where is God's will in all of this? At which point was it supposed to cross mine?

Lately I haven't had much of a chance to actually contemplate things in a productive way. It seems like all of my thoughts have just been distracted, not focused. I can't stand this heat. I can't stand these cramped seats, these people blocking my only escape, this profuse sweat pouring down my back causing my shirt to stick, this fact that time can't go any faster and that my mind can't tell itself to shut up and actually do something right for once.

Head pulsing. Sight dizzy. I'm blurring in and out of existence, tossed about by quivering moods of my mind. I just want to sleep damn it. I just want to be free. I don't want to be here. I want out.

So I couldn't focus on Sunday night (partly triggered by another one of those I'm pissed off moments) and tried to study but couldn't so I tried to sleep again but couldn't so I went back to studying. And I kept getting pissed off whenever people entered the room, because I didn't want to be seen by anyone, but I didn't want to go into the room either, nor did I feel like going out again like last time. And then I started thinking about how I never seemed to be able to have quiet productive time nowadays. The only times I do, I cut into my sleeping time. See right now. WHYYYYYYYEWF)PGWE*FHWOEGVU

I am going to hate myself tomorrow, but screw it anyway. Good night.