So I started using the journal I got for my birthday, but now I am in an odd sort of dilemma where I am now concurrently writing entries in two different journals. I suppose the handwritten entries are more meant to keep track of the messages I've been receiving at IV and church, as well as perhaps spiritual and really internal developments, but there is a bit of a blurry line between the latter points and the stuff I write about here, which can vary between detached and random and rather personal yet altogether nonsensical babbles. I guess I'll just stick with it for now and see how it goes. The thing going for this blog is that it's easier for me to type entries naturally than to write them, and I usually associate writing with lecture listening.

The past couple of days have been good, message wise and in general wise, but at the same time I've still been feeling a bit of the minor mood swings I've been having for a while. I don't really care so much about the fact that I'm just not generally as open with people right now (I feel like it takes me a lot of energy to actually talk to other people) because I feel like it's just a part of who I've been for the past while now. I feel more inclined to be silent and brooding in some ways, even though I still like talking to people when I do get the chance to. Maybe I just need my quiet time, like now.

Quiet time is a bit of a blur for me also, because there seems to be different levels of quiet time for me. There's the quiet time where I'm zoning out into space and/or daydreaming, which can happen at any given moment, and then there's the quiet time that involves me on this laptop typing long entries such as this where I'm just zoning out other people, and then there's quiet time with God. I've been needing to work on the last one for the longest time now, but I always feel so lazy or tired because I put it off until the last part of the day, when I just want to get into bed and fall asleep. Which is typically what ends up happening.

Part of me still wishes that I were more extroverted, but I guess that is sort of more wishful thinking than anything. I just don't have the energy (or am too lazy) to maintain that kind of existence.

I wonder sometimes what it is I want to get out of interacting with other people. Ultimately I'd like to be able to talk about the deepest things with everyone, but that never ends up being the case. A lot of it is probably coming from my end, because it takes a lot of time to develop relationships with people to the point where you can comfortably talk about that kind of stuff, and you can't just always talk about it either. And sometimes when I do start a conversation of this nature, it doesn't end up going the way I want it to go. But I suppose if everything just happened to go my way it'd be a really boring world, right?

The sermon today mentioned something about how the greatest achievements I will ever make in my life will only be known between me and God. Which is so true. I keep wishing a lot of the time that people would see the side of me that I want them to see, the side that actually is actively interested in other people's well-being and passionate about a lot of things. But that's not something that comes out of me easily. I'm naturally shy around people who I don't know well.

That and I started to question (see earlier) whether or not I actually have passions. I can name things that I end up liking a lot that happen to be unique about me, but that doesn't necessarily equate to have an active passion in them. I had phases where I was really into discovering new and avant-garde kind of music, but then I only feel like listening to music some of the time, and other times I end up playing random anime songs that I find randomly catchy on repeat. It's no wonder why I have so much trouble trying to keep up with the songs that Elan keeps sending me, because a lot of the time I'm not actually in the mood for discovering new music. But if I were in the mood, I probably would like it a lot.

But getting back to the point, I feel like there are a lot of moments that I wish I could have shared with other people if I had the chance. I've actually forgotten a lot of them by now, but for the most part they've pretty much been moments that will probably stay they way they have been. In my head.

It occurred to me that April was probably one of the worst months I have ever experienced in my life.

I am having one of those moments where I just want to do nothing but stare at the computer screen. I never seem to notice the things around me.