I have interests, but what about passions?

It's so easy to be apathetic and selfish nowadays, it's kind of annoying.

What does it take to change the nature of a person? To make a person grow? I feel like in some ways it's easy to get so caught up in this ideology of "self-improvement" to the point that it becomes a pride trap. I want this to be earnest about myself, my shortcomings and strengths, without mentally comparing myself to other people.

Nowadays I keep thinking about that one friend who I never seemed to be able to forgive for the longest time. It still hurts a lot. But in all honesty, anything that still lingers beyond this point is just me wallowing in my own bitterness.

I thought I forgave him already for the longest time, but every once in awhile it just comes back again. I start bringing up the good things that have been going on recently in my life, start comparing it to his current situation, and in a sick way I'm somehow satisfied. It's the most disgusting sense of satisfaction I've ever actually had in my life. I hate it. And then I start wondering to myself, why can't I move on already?

Lately all I can think of are my flaws. I keep questioning how earnest I am about every single little pursuit I take, how I can get so caught up in this imaginary world of mine without regard for the real issues around me. How I'm mean and fickle to other people, how I find myself not caring as much as other people about important issues. I am content to only feel when it is convenient to feel, to visit when it is easy to visit, to bother with people when they are standing in front of me but just as easily forget about them when they aren't there.

A statement that came up in my scribbles during biochem lecture today - I do not love.

This summer we discussed how how love (in the agape sense) is self-sacrificial, unconditional, divine. Do I really love my neighbor? The people I see and interact with everyday, walk to school and sit in class with, pester on an everyday basis. Would I really be willing to sacrifice anything for them? Myself?

It seems like I've been so focused on how my pursuits affect me that I've neglected to think about other people all that much. No, I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my time, desires, or will to you if it meant that I wouldn't be able to make up for that sacrifice at a later point. If it's not something I'd find enjoyable even if it does have benefits, I won't do it. Even for you.

Perhaps this is the reason why I find it so hard to love someone. I only "love" out of convenience. Even though I desperately want to love.

I find it difficult to reconcile this contrast between my emotions and my habits. I am a hypocrite like that. The more involved I get, the more I start to question myself. Why aren't I more earnest? Why does everything I do just seem to be a ploy, simply because it's easy to do now?

It's a stark contrast to what 1 John's message was, to me. I question whether or not I am doing this because I feel obligated to, or because I feel compelled to. And where is God's will in all of this? At which point was it supposed to cross mine?

Lately I haven't had much of a chance to actually contemplate things in a productive way. It seems like all of my thoughts have just been distracted, not focused. I can't stand this heat. I can't stand these cramped seats, these people blocking my only escape, this profuse sweat pouring down my back causing my shirt to stick, this fact that time can't go any faster and that my mind can't tell itself to shut up and actually do something right for once.

Head pulsing. Sight dizzy. I'm blurring in and out of existence, tossed about by quivering moods of my mind. I just want to sleep damn it. I just want to be free. I don't want to be here. I want out.

So I couldn't focus on Sunday night (partly triggered by another one of those I'm pissed off moments) and tried to study but couldn't so I tried to sleep again but couldn't so I went back to studying. And I kept getting pissed off whenever people entered the room, because I didn't want to be seen by anyone, but I didn't want to go into the room either, nor did I feel like going out again like last time. And then I started thinking about how I never seemed to be able to have quiet productive time nowadays. The only times I do, I cut into my sleeping time. See right now. WHYYYYYYYEWF)PGWE*FHWOEGVU

I am going to hate myself tomorrow, but screw it anyway. Good night.