everything late

B: I wish everyone in the world were just like me. Life would be so much easier.
Me: I dunno about that. If I were to meet myself I'd hate me.
B: That says more about how you see yourself, doesn't it?

- Sometimes I'm too afraid to speak up out of fear of being criticized (I take criticism pretty heavily) or judged... but I've been feeling more lately the need to be bolder about what I think or feel. Some problems just continue to persist the longer you don't speak up about it until they start to drive you nuts.

Also, sometimes I wish people were more direct or honest with me, but I'm also afraid of what they might say for the same reasons. But maybe I ought to speak up for myself for once. I really appreciate it when others do for themselves.

- That said, there are some things I still would feel more conflicted about mentioning. Things like being forgotten when people organize stuff, which has happened for me in multiple circumstances. If it happens often enough it almost feels like you're purposefully being left out of events, or else you're just not that memorable- need I mention the fact that Nathan didn't remember me being at more than half of the events that both of us were at over the course of college, and we lived together.

I had the advantage then of being more involved when plans were being made or organized because I lived in such close proximity to everyone. Right now I feel like I'm more in the periphery of communities or social circles rather than in the middle of any one. I still experience self-doubt about whether or not it'd be worth trying harder, whether or not I'd really fit in anyway when I'm so prone to being quiet by default in the presence of all these folks to begin with. I don't even realize it sometimes.

The thing is, if you bring something like this up... well in past experiences, it started to annoy people to the point where it made the person more likely to not be invited. Or maybe it just depends on the attitude used when doing so. But the whole "I don't want to be a burden" and "maybe I'm not that likable" mentality just gets tiresome after a while, when all you just want to do is make all these unhealthy voices stop. Is it better to work to prevent the situations that cause these voices to occur from happening, or find ways to reduce their effects when they do [seemingly inevitably] happen?

- Last night I dreamt that my family's neighbors in socal put us under house arrest for not being neighborly enough to the general community... plus two other dreams I don't remember anymore. I don't usually have psychological dreams, but this dream actually follows from how I felt about approaching community growing up. I don't know if it's just the way social gatherings have been since I left home, but I've always sort of lamented how private my family's home life was growing up, not bothering to share more than small talk with our neighbors whenever we actually did see them, and me always being warned to never tell other people this and that because I have a bit of a blabbermouth problem sometimes. [and I still do, so maybe it's better for people not to tell me anything. but if you warn me to secrecy beforehand I'll get the point.]

But I mean, even from the church perspective, small groups were sort of a foreign concept to me until I came to college. It meant that people actually recognized you for once as more than just a face at church... after a while, anyway. But in any circumstance, it makes more of a difference once you step outside of your bubble and actually try to know the people around you beyond the superficial level. It means the risk of being more vulnerable to more people at once as well, but I believe the additional perspective on life you get is worth it. "One wanted fifty pairs of eyes to see with..."

But seriously, it makes all the difference.

Ironically, the sermon today was about community and I couldn't focus because I felt like I've mulled over this subject way too much in my life for it to just come up again. That and my mind's been preoccupied with other stuff anyway... but that's for another day.

a little of

Less serious post:

A: My P is coming out right now.

K: Oh, yeah, I should tan right now. *pulls up jacket sleeves*

I'm thankful for these random moments.

- I started writing reviews for books on goodreads after Eric suggested I start, and I got kinda carried away after the first one. Probably will start writing short blurbs on there more and save posts on here for more in-depth impressions when I feel it for certain books.

- Our Comcast internet started hating on all things Google the past few days, and in the process of trying to google I mean bing the solution I got bombarded by messages about how much better Bing is than Google... and got results to help sites hosted on Google servers, which didn't help much... and of course it all magically started working again a few hours later each time. I just hope this lasts long enough for me to finish writing this, cause of course blogspot and 70% of my other internet activity is hosted by Google. >_>

[It wasn't a service provider DNS issue cause the problem persisted even if you used direct ip addresses to the sites or used alternative public DNS servers... and my hosts file didn't have any references to google either. Sigh.]

- Played Ultimate Werewolf for the first time the other night. It's like Mafia but with more official roles cause there's a rulebook and role cards and artifacts that totally change up the gameplay. For the Hilgard folks, all of the roles we had when we played are there: Mafia = Werewolf [kills one player each night], regular folks = Villagers, Doctor = Bodyguard [prevents one person from dying each night], Detective = Seer [checks if one player is a werewolf each night], Town Fool = The Tanner [wins if he/she gets lynched], and Cupid is there in his full glory [chooses two people to be the Lovers and if one dies the other dies automatically] and I had a hell of a time being him twice in a row.

There was also the Sorcerer, who happens to be on the Werewolves' side (although they don't know who each other are) and gets a turn each night to ask the Mod if a person is a Seer; the Hunter, who immediately shoots someone dead the moment he's killed (and in one game unwittingly killed both of the Lovers I chose as Cupid hehehe); the Lycan, who is actually just a normal villager but appears to be a werewolf to the Seer; the Witch, who chooses once per game to kill/heal a player; and the first person to die in the game gets the ability to send a message from beyond the grave the next round in the form of a single letter to help identify who the killer is, so long as that letter isn't someone's initial (examples we used: "G" which meant glasses, "F" which meant fan, "M" which meant muscles, etc.).

Each player also got an artifact with a special ability that they could use once during the game. Some examples: copy a person's ability if they're special... which prompted the moderator to say "sorcerers wake up" rather than "sorcerer wake up" on accident once, so everyone knew who the sorcerer[s] were; force one person to answer a yes/no question truthfully; demote one player to a villager if they aren't one for the rest of the game; force the last lynched person to send a 1 letter message from the grave; steal another person's artifact; void, which means this artifact does nothing; and so on.

And there were a bunch of roles we didn't even touch because we'd need way more than ~10 people (Vampire: Kill a villager each night, who dies in the middle of the day; Drunk: is a villager until the third night when they find out their real role; Hoodlum: chooses two players on the first night and wins if they are dead and he/she is still alive; and the Chupacabra and a bunch of other stuff). Dan was complaining that there were too many special roles going on at night, which made the nights extremely longer than usual cause every single special role had to wake up on their own turn every night. To be honest, though, I thought it made for a really funny game even during the nights... which got compounded by the moderator having to ask people to wake up cause he/she forgot who they were haha. Fail mod.

- I've effectively been on a video game hiatus since I moved [not counting Dota cause that's not a game I binge on for days in a row and I only play when asked to], but I still follow news on video games semi-frequently along with all those kickstarter updates. I can't recall the last time I've been so hyped for upcoming games. Just this week:

-- Chris Avellone (writer for Planescape: Torment, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II, Mask of the Betrayer, and Fallout: New Vegas among others) and Patrick Rothfuss (author of The Kingkiller Chronicle, of whom I'm not solid on but this could still be good) added as stretch goals to the Torment kickstarter, which hit 3 mil today.

This combined with Ziets (creative lead on Mask of the Betrayer), Mitsoda (lead writer on Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines), Morgan (composer for Fallout and Planescape: Torment), and what we've seen from McComb, Saunders and Cook so far... this is the game I'm most looking forward to... that isn't a sequel anyway, otherwise it'd be Dreamfall Chapters.

-- They also released a sample track from Torment that I've been listening to on repeat: The Bloom.

-- Double Fine Adventure officially announced with the title Broken Age.

-- The makers of Bastion announced a new sci-fi themed game called Transistor.

-- Ducktales (NES) announced coming out this summer remastered with the voice actors from the original cartoon. NOSTALGIA.

-- and this was from a couple of weeks ago, but season 2 of The Walking Dead, the adventure game, was announced as targeted for this fall.

- Since Sammy forced me to buy the latest Starcraft 2 expansion a few days ago, I'll probably be breaking the hiatus now... except I feel like playing Fallout 2 and Alpha Centauri and Front Mission 2 while watching videos of Anachronox instead and I should probably stop now.

past and present.

I noticed that you've seemed to become less happy over the years.

I wish I was born normal.

I'm glad he moved. So I don't have to see him anymore.

Why does it bother you? It doesn't even concern you!

Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

Don't be a stranger.

I realized that I'm a lot more vulnerable than I'd like to admit.

Hey, your (real) friends like you for who you are!

I can tell when you're on the brink. You get really quiet.

It's funny... I was just thinking about you yesterday.

I think I understand you better than you give me credit for.

It's exhausting to always see things as problems and defects. It's empowering and energizing to think about the positive changes you can make in things that you care about.

I found that the people that I wanted to talk to weren't the ones that were available.

The best conversations happen in the car when it's just the two of you.

So what exactly do you believe? Why?

I'm seeing an image of you standing on a rock, shouting...

You are a good son.

---

I think what I long for the most is to get to the point of being able to have random life conversations, the kind that sparked these moments, with anyone. Without having to deal with the small talk and usual everyday how-are-you-I'm-fine conversations, which usually end up happening anyway because not everyone is open to talking to you about this stuff anytime anywhere. I hate how it's considered normal to ask "how are you?" as a matter of courtesy even though most of the time we don't actually want to know the real answer to that if it isn't "fine, thank you."

...because if I were to answer that question honestly on a regular basis, the people who do actually listen would end up saying something like "but seriously, stop being depressed all the time" or "CHEER UP!" (Okay, they've said that already.)

I know, I tend to get overly emotional and randomly melancholic sometimes for no apparent reason. Part of me actually wants to cry sometimes, even though I may not actually have a legitimate reason to (which I blame on being an INFP >_>). Sometimes there is an actual reason (as noted in previous posts) and that just triggers the spiral (also mentioned in previous posts) and then "what's wrong with me" and the "I don't want to burden anyone with this" thinking that's typical of depression.

[On that note, someone on reddit posted this choose-your-own-adventure that paints a rather realistic picture of life from the perspective of a person who actually has depression. Warning, it can be pretty heavy, especially if you've experienced these destructive thought patterns yourself, considering that some people couldn't finish it... Although ironically, the top comment pointed out that the main character in that story actually has a significant other and some support that not everyone has equal access to.]

It got to a point recently where I would just go somewhere outside at night and hope that I'd either randomly run into someone or I'd get randomly contacted by someone who would intervene, which is completely irrational thinking to begin with if I haven't told anyone anything... except that in the past that circumstance actually has happened before. But I forget that the atmosphere here in South Bay is nothing like that of Berkeley. I don't even feel comfortable randomly sitting on park benches at night around here because I'm afraid that the other members of this quaint community randomly walking their dogs at night or glimpsing out their windows would think that I'm some crazy person, talking out loud to the air. Which I like to do when I'm sitting by myself on a park bench at night.

Looking back over it all, I think my life experiences in college onward have led me to feel rather bitter and cynical nowadays. Not to say that there haven't been good experiences, because there have been plenty of those also... but too often I end up focusing on the negative aspects of the experiences and not the good. And after reflecting on it more clearly now, I realize that a good chunk of it has stemmed from this one thought or realization, developed over the years: that you can't get along with everyone. Some people will be more or less open with you just because of the way you interact, or the way your or their personality is, or because of whatever past history you've wound up having. And that's not necessarily something you can change.

A lot of my problems in the past and currently ongoing have stemmed from seeing other people, friends interact with the same people I have difficulty interacting with, and seeing how much more open they can be with each other. That's where the jealousy starts. and then the self-loathing, and the wondering what's wrong with me and why-can't-I-be-better-friends-with-this-person-because-my-other-friends-can, which only worsens later on after someone tells you "I'm sorry I haven't been open and for continuing to not be as open in the future" even though it was meant to be an open apology, and then only gets confirmed after a different instance, years later, after finding out indirectly that someone hadn't liked you "at all," because we "didn't have anything in common." And wondering if that might explain all of those other interactions that I'd felt suspicious of over the years regarding other people. Because I keep seeing this cycle of jealousy and self-loathing repeat over. and over. and over again, with every new social circle or group I find myself in.

I realize now that a lot of this stems from having an unhealthy view of myself. Just because I can't relate or talk to some people that well compared to others doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, even though I tend to end up thinking that way. I keep forgetting that the same situation likely holds true for me and the people I've wound up being closer with vs. others. This circumstance is just a normal facet of life.

I still find it difficult right now, though. Part of me just looks forward to moving (in multiple senses of the word), having a change of setting and the freedom to not have to see people if I don't want to. And part of me just feels like that's the wrong attitude to take towards this issue - I shouldn't be abandoning relationships just because they're difficult and not the way I want them to be.

And underlying it all, there's that uncertainty about how to act in future situations. What to say, how to respond, how to change the way I interact with people if there's something I do need to change about myself (because I can think of a few moments that I seriously regret in the past), how to approach those people who I will invariably see again and still have this problem with. Do I give up on these [attempts at] relationships? Try to act cordial anyway? Be content with just remaining a casual acquaintance? Or keep trying while the opportunities are there?

As a friend put it, though, it's probably best to just be myself, and let the cards fall where they lay- to accept and appreciate the good relationships I do end up having. And to have confidence in myself, because I know that my identity and self-worth isn't based on something as shallow as my ability to make friends with everyone. It's just easy to forget sometimes in the spur of the moment.

an exposition

"How can you not know your own religion?"

I don't know how long it's been now, but those words (paraphrased or remembered incorrectly? maybe.) from a friend still stick out in my head. A comment on how the general trend in American culture is towards anti-intellectualism and people just not knowing the details of what they're supposed to believe, and how in some perverse sense it's actually encouraged in some places. It's been said that if people actually knew the controversial stuff that the Bible says sometimes, or actually read it for real, there would probably be a lot less "Christians" in the world. And that there's a trend that the more educated a society is in general, the less religious people are? I don't find it hard to believe.

Lately I've been growing rather preoccupied with... well, being "right" so to speak, although that sounds kinda petty when I think about it. I worry a lot about getting things wrong about God, about the way I'm supposed to be living - if there really is such a concrete thing like that - and about the truth in general. A lot of the questions that nonbelievers and others ask do get to me, even if I don't really have an answer or end up being silent about them because I haven't educated myself on the topic at hand. When I acknowledged this to a friend, I was asked - why haven't I tried to learn?

So for the past few years I've been trying to educate myself more on particular subjects, such as Christian history and theology and other writings, and the nature of the differences between the different denominations and churches, and why they exist in the first place - hopefully looking more into other religions in the future (although Perspectives was a good experience. :) ). This is partly because of my own personal doubts, and partly because of a felt need to know exactly where I stand on these issues and why I do, because such knowledge affects the choices I make in the future as well as how I approach everything from politics to my relationships with other people to the church I commit to.

I'll probably be updating more on where I am in later posts, just to keep track of where I'm going. But for now, I guess to provide some background and be more explicit on what's mulling in my head, a list of thought points... which I always seem to end up doing. I would try to make it flow more like an essay, but my mind tends towards random discrete points anyway.

• I went to a non-denominational church and a private Christian school based out of that church up through middle school, both predominantly white. Non-denominational by definition means not adhering to a particular denomination, but in practice (at least in the OC) implies Protestant, evangelical, typically reflective of the conservative beliefs you would find on the right in America.
• I've given a brief testimony/summary before to some people (and Perspectives/Hospitality Team when I was in them) regarding high school going into college and then IV, and I don't feel like writing out the specifics here cause it'd take too long to detail again. If you want to know, just ask me sometime. 
• I guess a simple way to sum up my progression thus far would be that the perspectives I've seen of my friends and others throughout high school and college have largely shaped or influenced my beliefs till now. I think the other Ryan is the only person out of my closest friends who is currently Christian. IV in most respects was more of a secondary community for me than a primary one, and it was difficult to keep going sometimes.
• With regards to politics - I don't believe that the particulars of religious morality (specifically addressing gay marriage, abortion, etc.) should be enforced on people who aren't believers. That said, I don't feel very strongly on whether or not they are sins to begin with - it really depends on the context for me. I also dislike how often Christians seem to make it necessary to vote religious preferences into politics - it's like no one believes in separation of church and state.
• I tend to have a moderate-liberal bias when it comes to most issues now (although I don't feel informed enough on the economic side of things yet), regardless or in spite of my religion. In some ways the more left-leaning option just sounds more justifiable to me, practically speaking. [I wish we had a better option than the current two party system, and if anything the Democratic party isn't left enough. I had a hard time paying attention to the debates yesterday, but what sense I could make of it was depressing to watch. I also feel bad for Lehrer even though he did kind of... not do so well.]
• This is probably true of a lot of people, but I often don't like being classified as an "other," as a "Christian" in the same sentence with mainstream political Christians and such, when I don't feel like I have that much in common with them, even though I should own up to the fact that our belief system is of the same root.
• As said last time, I don't entirely know where I stand in relation to the denominations right now. I find myself agreeing with a lot of Eastern Orthodox theology... in principle, at least, and leaning further away from standard Protestant or specifically Calvinist theology (I don't think I could be Catholic, but that's another story). But I still feel most at home in a more progressive and diverse Protestant community, and I don't entirely like the Orthodox claim to being the one true church, when officially even the Catholic church doesn't consider them outside anymore. Last I checked, anyway. 
• My last post on being skeptical about testimonies was particularly directed at the experiences found in charismatic/Pentecostal church settings. That said, I admire the amount of passion that they seem to have in worshiping God - I kinda wish I had the capacity to do so in the same magnitude.
• One of my bigger struggles for the longest time now has been with trying to discern whether or not I actually love God. I don't know if I do so much. I don't feel that my actions thus far have reflected any real sense of loving... God, in part because I find it hard to relate to someone who for the most part comes across as more unknowable the more I try to know him, even if that is to be expected. 
• That said, I haven't really been doing a good job of committing and being faithful either, which may partly factor into it. It's part of the reason why I feel (and have felt in the past) so reluctant to actually be a discipler or small group leader for other people, because I don't feel strong enough in my own faith to be able to effectively lead other people spiritually. [I know, God's known for using people in spite of having such kinds of weaknesses... I just don't see myself conforming very well to the progression of a church/community and being honest at the same time, though.]
• My small group leader asked me awhile back why I was Christian, to which I didn't have much of an answer outside of because it felt right. Because for some reason right now, I can't make myself not believe in the resurrection and that Jesus's path is right, at least; it's the reverse issue of those atheists who say that they can't just make themselves believe in God. I tend to agree with them there in that belief isn't just something you force to happen, although I disagree with the subset of people who think that we're delusional for believing anyway. 
• That said, part of me always second-guesses myself and wonders how much of this is me wanting to believe vs. actually believing for a good reason. I guess the requisite question would be, what can change the nature of a belief? Which almost always has boiled down to personal experience for most people, so far as I'm aware. I don't entirely know what to make of mine so far.
• The other big struggle for me as been in regards to the status of nonbelievers, considering that most of my closer friends are that. I find it hard to accept stories of people being "convinced" through some experience or vision of Jesus somehow, considering that I know people who desperately wanted to believe in him and just wound up... not believing because they couldn't. Or used to and now no longer - and I don't really buy into the idea of "once saved, always saved" that comes out of Calvinism. It makes me reflect on my own experience - wondering why I feel okay with accepting some things that other people just can't. 
• I have a lot of respect for professed ex-Christians (or ex-anything, actually). I think it takes a lot of courage, honesty, and integrity to be able to admit to yourself that you don't actually believe, cause the whole process of losing that aspect of your belief system (and knowing what that might mean if it were actually true) and making that known to your peers strikes me as one of the most terrifying experiences you could possibly have. 
• "I am not saved; I am in the process of being saved" is probably my favorite teaching from the Eastern perspective. I feel that it reflects my experience more accurately than other concepts I've heard of salvation. 
• "So... do you ever have fun?" - Erin, when I talked to her on related stuff recently. Yeah. back to that.

"Stanford should just change their mascot into a castle. And then Cal should change their mascot to bears with siege weapons."

 - random quote of the weekend...
after discussing a game in which bushes evolve into trees which evolve into castles? O_o

Summary of Seattle Trip

Shimul: Are you limping?
danced for ~12 hours this weekend at camp jitterbug (+ brunch with shimul after!). it was eye-opening. although after staggering through the airport just now, I'm starting to wish airport hallways weren't so freaking long, uggh.

Home

*Dad makes insinuation that Mom can't count*
Dad: What high school did you graduate from?
Mom: The same one as you, so I guess that makes us both dummies.

Dad: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Me: There's a difference?
Dad: Snowballs.

Brother's friend: My dad is a special ed attorney. His job is to sue the school districts.

Cousin: Hey Ryan, doesn't [my baby's] leg look like a drumstick?
*minutes later*
Cousin: Aww, she looks like a drumstick!

The last few months

My setup before I had a bed. It wasn't comfortable.

Three ways to use the yellow pages. Elan is demonstrating how to easily rip one apart. (He succeeded eventually.)

That one time at Justin and Bill's place when I was somehow coerced into helping them build a toilet. Justin named it after me. -____-

A to-do list I found in a throw-away pile in my apartment complex. This kid reminds me of myself.

(I also found a bunch of random volumes of Naruto, which I scavenged because I don't like see manga go to waste... even if it is Naruto.)

Lord of the Rings in Concert at Oracle Arena! They played the entire first movie with orchestra accompaniment. The entire Bridge of Khazad-dum sequence might've been my favorite part. I never really noticed the choir and vocal parts when I saw the movie originally; it made a really big difference having them singing right in front of you.

One of the managers in my group after a Halloween themed "how fast can you wrap your manager" contest.

First attempt at rendang!

The desktop I built. This thing kept me up till 4 in the morning. It scared me for a moment when I finally turned it on and it responded, only to shut down for 15 seconds... and then start up again. Apparently that is normal behavior for Gigabyte motherboards though.

"Oh fat people! Oh wait those are bears." - Jade
(Christmas in the Park San Jose)

-__-

This morning after Regen:

E: You're from Shanghai???
Me: Huh?
E: That's what [the Chinese lady who sat next to you] said.
Me: Oh no, I was trying to tell her that I can't speak English.

Sick. or as Jenn Ross would put it, "quizzy." (queasy + dizzy?)

Project group dynamics

Jason: Me and Ryan, we're tight dude. I don't know about Johny though.

:)

Library

So today I went to the library to renew my 2009-expired library card.

Librarian: Have you turned 18 yet?
Me: Uh, I'm 21.

Why do I feel so old now? -_-

Tonight

I tried to ragequit into my journal, but my pen ran out of ink.

I think God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.

On another note:

Jenn Ross: [The music player] keeps looping the freaking drummer boy...

QW

Jade: What are you going to do next semester?
Johny: ...Be a student.

-_-

"It's so cute! We should catch it and kill it."

- Ryan L on one of the butterflies in the Academy of Sciences's rainforest.

Random Bits of Today

- Internet fixed! I was going to rant about how much this service sucks but eh, really thankful for the tech guy that came out today. He actually was able to explain to me in technical detail what was wrong with our internet. I actually find this kind of stuff interesting... although I think I would be too frustrated to deal with it on a job basis. Especially with a central office that puts it own employees on hold for half hour+.

- Instead of going to class today, I went to the Tang Center and waited 2 hours for have my finger checked. I accidentally slammed a sliding door on my finger last week and the blood trapped under my nail was starting to spread (look up subungual hematoma), making it hurt a loooot. Got sent to urgent care and had a doctor drill two (painless) holes to allow the blood to flow out, easing the pressure underneath. Made me think about how interesting medicine is too...

- Why I love Hospitality Team(well, not the only reasons...):

Slam(on basketball at Chapter Camp): "Guarding Hana Joe is the worst thing ever. It's like trying to guard Hello Kitty... No one wants to punch Hello Kitty!"

Iueh(praying): "God, thank you for the birthing of Aileen... For making her fresh and healthy... How old is she now? 21? Duuude."

(label on package addressed to Grace for Byron): Grace "Byron" Lin

Aileen's yogurt + granola.

Irene's testimony.

Being praised for being the only guy on time-Nah.

~This is the latest I've slept on a school night since last semester. Hooray for midterms.

Our conversations don't make any sense.

me: wait, do you still have my game?
Ryan L: yeah
Ryan L: i told you o.O
Ryan L: actually....
me: oh I didn't get any response
Ryan L: maybe i don't 8)
me: o_o
Ryan L: or maybe i do 8)
Ryan L: only time will tell

Ryan L: and you better hope time speaks a little faster than normal
: b/c otherwise
: it's all monkeys under their anteaters
me: ...wtf
Ryan L: or garbanzo beans under the guacamole
: or lemons under the petunias
: or fishsticks under the moonlight
: or pieces of glass under the chopsticks
: or cupcakes under the tinsil
me: do I know you?
Ryan L: that
: is the question of the day
me: I hate your vague responses
Ryan L: LOL
: but yes
: i have your game

Greetings From Johny!

integral from 0 to 1 of x^x dx = -1 *summation from n=1 to infinity of (-n)^(-n)

jade sucks

...

Ryan L: fine fix my laptop charger
: it sucks
: it won't even charge anymore
: and my resume's on there
: and
: i can't apply for a job without it
: and
: i'm too lazy to write a new one
: b/c the other one was adequate
: and
: yeah i ran out of things to say

why do I even bother. -_-''

Ryan L: =)
Ryan L: power and influence
Ryan L: my specialty
Ryan L: =)
me:  those innocent smiles are actually sneers, I'm telling you...
Ryan L: hehehe
Ryan L: you have no idea

Ryan L: oh disturbia
Ryan L: loved hearing that one at chap camp
Ryan L: for 2 reasons =)
me: ...
me: I will not venture to guess either of them
Ryan L: good
Ryan L: don't
Ryan L: it'll only break break your break break your heart

EDIT:

Ryan L (to Johny): yeah you should sell ryan suwarsa

...