I noticed that you've seemed to become less happy over the years.
I wish I was born normal.
I'm glad he moved. So I don't have to see him anymore.
Why does it bother you? It doesn't even concern you!
Have you thought about seeing a therapist?
Don't be a stranger.
I realized that I'm a lot more vulnerable than I'd like to admit.
Hey, your (real) friends like you for who you are!
I can tell when you're on the brink. You get really quiet.
It's funny... I was just thinking about you yesterday.
I think I understand you better than you give me credit for.
It's exhausting to always see things as problems and defects. It's empowering and energizing to think about the positive changes you can make in things that you care about.
I found that the people that I wanted to talk to weren't the ones that were available.
The best conversations happen in the car when it's just the two of you.
So what exactly do you believe? Why?
I'm seeing an image of you standing on a rock, shouting...
You are a good son.
---
I think what I long for the most is to get to the point of being able to have random life conversations, the kind that sparked these moments, with anyone. Without having to deal with the small talk and usual everyday how-are-you-I'm-fine conversations, which usually end up happening anyway because not everyone is open to talking to you about this stuff anytime anywhere. I hate how it's considered normal to ask "how are you?" as a matter of courtesy even though most of the time we don't actually want to know the real answer to that if it isn't "fine, thank you."
...because if I were to answer that question honestly on a regular basis, the people who do actually listen would end up saying something like "but seriously, stop being depressed all the time" or "CHEER UP!" (Okay, they've said that already.)
I know, I tend to get overly emotional and randomly melancholic sometimes for no apparent reason. Part of me actually wants to cry sometimes, even though I may not actually have a legitimate reason to (which I blame on being an INFP >_>). Sometimes there is an actual reason (as noted in previous posts) and that just triggers the spiral (also mentioned in previous posts) and then "what's wrong with me" and the "I don't want to burden anyone with this" thinking that's typical of depression.
[On that note, someone on reddit posted this choose-your-own-adventure that paints a rather realistic picture of life from the perspective of a person who actually has depression. Warning, it can be pretty heavy, especially if you've experienced these destructive thought patterns yourself, considering that some people couldn't finish it... Although ironically, the top comment pointed out that the main character in that story actually has a significant other and some support that not everyone has equal access to.]
It got to a point recently where I would just go somewhere outside at night and hope that I'd either randomly run into someone or I'd get randomly contacted by someone who would intervene, which is completely irrational thinking to begin with if I haven't told anyone anything... except that in the past that circumstance actually has happened before. But I forget that the atmosphere here in South Bay is nothing like that of Berkeley. I don't even feel comfortable randomly sitting on park benches at night around here because I'm afraid that the other members of this quaint community randomly walking their dogs at night or glimpsing out their windows would think that I'm some crazy person, talking out loud to the air. Which I like to do when I'm sitting by myself on a park bench at night.
Looking back over it all, I think my life experiences in college onward have led me to feel rather bitter and cynical nowadays. Not to say that there haven't been good experiences, because there have been plenty of those also... but too often I end up focusing on the negative aspects of the experiences and not the good. And after reflecting on it more clearly now, I realize that a good chunk of it has stemmed from this one thought or realization, developed over the years: that you can't get along with everyone. Some people will be more or less open with you just because of the way you interact, or the way your or their personality is, or because of whatever past history you've wound up having. And that's not necessarily something you can change.
A lot of my problems in the past and currently ongoing have stemmed from seeing other people, friends interact with the same people I have difficulty interacting with, and seeing how much more open they can be with each other. That's where the jealousy starts. and then the self-loathing, and the wondering what's wrong with me and why-can't-I-be-better-friends-with-this-person-because-my-other-friends-can, which only worsens later on after someone tells you "I'm sorry I haven't been open and for continuing to not be as open in the future" even though it was meant to be an open apology, and then only gets confirmed after a different instance, years later, after finding out indirectly that someone hadn't liked you "at all," because we "didn't have anything in common." And wondering if that might explain all of those other interactions that I'd felt suspicious of over the years regarding other people. Because I keep seeing this cycle of jealousy and self-loathing repeat over. and over. and over again, with every new social circle or group I find myself in.
I realize now that a lot of this stems from having an unhealthy view of myself. Just because I can't relate or talk to some people that well compared to others doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, even though I tend to end up thinking that way. I keep forgetting that the same situation likely holds true for me and the people I've wound up being closer with vs. others. This circumstance is just a normal facet of life.
I still find it difficult right now, though. Part of me just looks forward to moving (in multiple senses of the word), having a change of setting and the freedom to not have to see people if I don't want to. And part of me just feels like that's the wrong attitude to take towards this issue - I shouldn't be abandoning relationships just because they're difficult and not the way I want them to be.
And underlying it all, there's that uncertainty about how to act in future situations. What to say, how to respond, how to change the way I interact with people if there's something I do need to change about myself (because I can think of a few moments that I seriously regret in the past), how to approach those people who I will invariably see again and still have this problem with. Do I give up on these [attempts at] relationships? Try to act cordial anyway? Be content with just remaining a casual acquaintance? Or keep trying while the opportunities are there?
As a friend put it, though, it's probably best to just be myself, and let the cards fall where they lay- to accept and appreciate the good relationships I do end up having. And to have confidence in myself, because I know that my identity and self-worth isn't based on something as shallow as my ability to make friends with everyone. It's just easy to forget sometimes in the spur of the moment.
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