an exposition

"How can you not know your own religion?"

I don't know how long it's been now, but those words (paraphrased or remembered incorrectly? maybe.) from a friend still stick out in my head. A comment on how the general trend in American culture is towards anti-intellectualism and people just not knowing the details of what they're supposed to believe, and how in some perverse sense it's actually encouraged in some places. It's been said that if people actually knew the controversial stuff that the Bible says sometimes, or actually read it for real, there would probably be a lot less "Christians" in the world. And that there's a trend that the more educated a society is in general, the less religious people are? I don't find it hard to believe.

Lately I've been growing rather preoccupied with... well, being "right" so to speak, although that sounds kinda petty when I think about it. I worry a lot about getting things wrong about God, about the way I'm supposed to be living - if there really is such a concrete thing like that - and about the truth in general. A lot of the questions that nonbelievers and others ask do get to me, even if I don't really have an answer or end up being silent about them because I haven't educated myself on the topic at hand. When I acknowledged this to a friend, I was asked - why haven't I tried to learn?

So for the past few years I've been trying to educate myself more on particular subjects, such as Christian history and theology and other writings, and the nature of the differences between the different denominations and churches, and why they exist in the first place - hopefully looking more into other religions in the future (although Perspectives was a good experience. :) ). This is partly because of my own personal doubts, and partly because of a felt need to know exactly where I stand on these issues and why I do, because such knowledge affects the choices I make in the future as well as how I approach everything from politics to my relationships with other people to the church I commit to.

I'll probably be updating more on where I am in later posts, just to keep track of where I'm going. But for now, I guess to provide some background and be more explicit on what's mulling in my head, a list of thought points... which I always seem to end up doing. I would try to make it flow more like an essay, but my mind tends towards random discrete points anyway.

• I went to a non-denominational church and a private Christian school based out of that church up through middle school, both predominantly white. Non-denominational by definition means not adhering to a particular denomination, but in practice (at least in the OC) implies Protestant, evangelical, typically reflective of the conservative beliefs you would find on the right in America.
• I've given a brief testimony/summary before to some people (and Perspectives/Hospitality Team when I was in them) regarding high school going into college and then IV, and I don't feel like writing out the specifics here cause it'd take too long to detail again. If you want to know, just ask me sometime. 
• I guess a simple way to sum up my progression thus far would be that the perspectives I've seen of my friends and others throughout high school and college have largely shaped or influenced my beliefs till now. I think the other Ryan is the only person out of my closest friends who is currently Christian. IV in most respects was more of a secondary community for me than a primary one, and it was difficult to keep going sometimes.
• With regards to politics - I don't believe that the particulars of religious morality (specifically addressing gay marriage, abortion, etc.) should be enforced on people who aren't believers. That said, I don't feel very strongly on whether or not they are sins to begin with - it really depends on the context for me. I also dislike how often Christians seem to make it necessary to vote religious preferences into politics - it's like no one believes in separation of church and state.
• I tend to have a moderate-liberal bias when it comes to most issues now (although I don't feel informed enough on the economic side of things yet), regardless or in spite of my religion. In some ways the more left-leaning option just sounds more justifiable to me, practically speaking. [I wish we had a better option than the current two party system, and if anything the Democratic party isn't left enough. I had a hard time paying attention to the debates yesterday, but what sense I could make of it was depressing to watch. I also feel bad for Lehrer even though he did kind of... not do so well.]
• This is probably true of a lot of people, but I often don't like being classified as an "other," as a "Christian" in the same sentence with mainstream political Christians and such, when I don't feel like I have that much in common with them, even though I should own up to the fact that our belief system is of the same root.
• As said last time, I don't entirely know where I stand in relation to the denominations right now. I find myself agreeing with a lot of Eastern Orthodox theology... in principle, at least, and leaning further away from standard Protestant or specifically Calvinist theology (I don't think I could be Catholic, but that's another story). But I still feel most at home in a more progressive and diverse Protestant community, and I don't entirely like the Orthodox claim to being the one true church, when officially even the Catholic church doesn't consider them outside anymore. Last I checked, anyway. 
• My last post on being skeptical about testimonies was particularly directed at the experiences found in charismatic/Pentecostal church settings. That said, I admire the amount of passion that they seem to have in worshiping God - I kinda wish I had the capacity to do so in the same magnitude.
• One of my bigger struggles for the longest time now has been with trying to discern whether or not I actually love God. I don't know if I do so much. I don't feel that my actions thus far have reflected any real sense of loving... God, in part because I find it hard to relate to someone who for the most part comes across as more unknowable the more I try to know him, even if that is to be expected. 
• That said, I haven't really been doing a good job of committing and being faithful either, which may partly factor into it. It's part of the reason why I feel (and have felt in the past) so reluctant to actually be a discipler or small group leader for other people, because I don't feel strong enough in my own faith to be able to effectively lead other people spiritually. [I know, God's known for using people in spite of having such kinds of weaknesses... I just don't see myself conforming very well to the progression of a church/community and being honest at the same time, though.]
• My small group leader asked me awhile back why I was Christian, to which I didn't have much of an answer outside of because it felt right. Because for some reason right now, I can't make myself not believe in the resurrection and that Jesus's path is right, at least; it's the reverse issue of those atheists who say that they can't just make themselves believe in God. I tend to agree with them there in that belief isn't just something you force to happen, although I disagree with the subset of people who think that we're delusional for believing anyway. 
• That said, part of me always second-guesses myself and wonders how much of this is me wanting to believe vs. actually believing for a good reason. I guess the requisite question would be, what can change the nature of a belief? Which almost always has boiled down to personal experience for most people, so far as I'm aware. I don't entirely know what to make of mine so far.
• The other big struggle for me as been in regards to the status of nonbelievers, considering that most of my closer friends are that. I find it hard to accept stories of people being "convinced" through some experience or vision of Jesus somehow, considering that I know people who desperately wanted to believe in him and just wound up... not believing because they couldn't. Or used to and now no longer - and I don't really buy into the idea of "once saved, always saved" that comes out of Calvinism. It makes me reflect on my own experience - wondering why I feel okay with accepting some things that other people just can't. 
• I have a lot of respect for professed ex-Christians (or ex-anything, actually). I think it takes a lot of courage, honesty, and integrity to be able to admit to yourself that you don't actually believe, cause the whole process of losing that aspect of your belief system (and knowing what that might mean if it were actually true) and making that known to your peers strikes me as one of the most terrifying experiences you could possibly have. 
• "I am not saved; I am in the process of being saved" is probably my favorite teaching from the Eastern perspective. I feel that it reflects my experience more accurately than other concepts I've heard of salvation. 
• "So... do you ever have fun?" - Erin, when I talked to her on related stuff recently. Yeah. back to that.