everything late

B: I wish everyone in the world were just like me. Life would be so much easier.
Me: I dunno about that. If I were to meet myself I'd hate me.
B: That says more about how you see yourself, doesn't it?

- Sometimes I'm too afraid to speak up out of fear of being criticized (I take criticism pretty heavily) or judged... but I've been feeling more lately the need to be bolder about what I think or feel. Some problems just continue to persist the longer you don't speak up about it until they start to drive you nuts.

Also, sometimes I wish people were more direct or honest with me, but I'm also afraid of what they might say for the same reasons. But maybe I ought to speak up for myself for once. I really appreciate it when others do for themselves.

- That said, there are some things I still would feel more conflicted about mentioning. Things like being forgotten when people organize stuff, which has happened for me in multiple circumstances. If it happens often enough it almost feels like you're purposefully being left out of events, or else you're just not that memorable- need I mention the fact that Nathan didn't remember me being at more than half of the events that both of us were at over the course of college, and we lived together.

I had the advantage then of being more involved when plans were being made or organized because I lived in such close proximity to everyone. Right now I feel like I'm more in the periphery of communities or social circles rather than in the middle of any one. I still experience self-doubt about whether or not it'd be worth trying harder, whether or not I'd really fit in anyway when I'm so prone to being quiet by default in the presence of all these folks to begin with. I don't even realize it sometimes.

The thing is, if you bring something like this up... well in past experiences, it started to annoy people to the point where it made the person more likely to not be invited. Or maybe it just depends on the attitude used when doing so. But the whole "I don't want to be a burden" and "maybe I'm not that likable" mentality just gets tiresome after a while, when all you just want to do is make all these unhealthy voices stop. Is it better to work to prevent the situations that cause these voices to occur from happening, or find ways to reduce their effects when they do [seemingly inevitably] happen?

- Last night I dreamt that my family's neighbors in socal put us under house arrest for not being neighborly enough to the general community... plus two other dreams I don't remember anymore. I don't usually have psychological dreams, but this dream actually follows from how I felt about approaching community growing up. I don't know if it's just the way social gatherings have been since I left home, but I've always sort of lamented how private my family's home life was growing up, not bothering to share more than small talk with our neighbors whenever we actually did see them, and me always being warned to never tell other people this and that because I have a bit of a blabbermouth problem sometimes. [and I still do, so maybe it's better for people not to tell me anything. but if you warn me to secrecy beforehand I'll get the point.]

But I mean, even from the church perspective, small groups were sort of a foreign concept to me until I came to college. It meant that people actually recognized you for once as more than just a face at church... after a while, anyway. But in any circumstance, it makes more of a difference once you step outside of your bubble and actually try to know the people around you beyond the superficial level. It means the risk of being more vulnerable to more people at once as well, but I believe the additional perspective on life you get is worth it. "One wanted fifty pairs of eyes to see with..."

But seriously, it makes all the difference.

Ironically, the sermon today was about community and I couldn't focus because I felt like I've mulled over this subject way too much in my life for it to just come up again. That and my mind's been preoccupied with other stuff anyway... but that's for another day.