But in all seriousness

This week has been a mix of good and bad. Actually, this entire month, semester has been full of it.

I think I've grown too used to expecting just a period of all-good experiences or a period of all-bad experiences, so now I get a period of mixed emotions, and I feel confused. My mind has trouble grasping the concept of good and bad things happening simultaneously - partly cause I like to see things happening with purpose in the long run. And it aggravates me when I somehow end up getting better off than I deserve, even in times when I ought to be thankful... I dunno.

Lately I've been feeling a lack of passion... motivation. I have no desire to do what I'm currently doing, and start questioning why I even started doing them in the first place. I had a lot of optimism at the beginning of the semester, but it started to die off when that raytracer project came around, and suddenly lost track of the routine I'd built up. And then all of a sudden the activities I'd invested in - things IV related, my major, Japanese, research, so on... I stopped caring about all of them.

I also started being more distant with people. I don't feel comfortable being at home a lot, for reasons I don't even know, so sometimes I'd just want to go somewhere. The library, sure. I had a lot of moments where I'd have things I wanted to say, but they wound up just buried with time. I don't remember all of the times things just happened that made me upset, but I couldn't - or didn't - do anything about them. And then I started falling into bad habits - obsessing over to-do lists again - and just prioritizing being alone at home over other things. And the list of things that frustrated me continued to stockpile.

But there were good things too. I'm going to work at Cisco next year. The times at small group, Perspectives, Hospitality - those were all blessings. Some good conversations. Somehow getting by in classes even in spite of my laziness. Even just getting to know some people better was good.

But up to a certain point, it just became an endless cycle of insert good thing, fall back into solitary indifferent mode, insert another good thing, repeat. Sometimes multiples times within the same day. It was really jarring - and then last week large group. Some good things happened, and then I almost felt like I suffocated - physically? mentally? spiritually? near the end. I couldn't bear to be in the presence of the good things I wanted to experience. I don't even understand what I'm writing right now. It's a paradox.

I made a number of promises to God. And I broke all of them. And I found myself doing things that I know God didn't want me doing, and I didn't care - I just wanted to do them anyway. And that was what I couldn't take in the most - I would see some good things happen at the same time, and then I would think, but if only I'd been more committed, if only I'd prioritized you more, if only... how much better would this be! That combined with the feeling that I should not be reaping anything considering the fact that I felt like I hadn't sown anything. It almost got to the point of me wondering, "does it matter what I'm doing right now?" Good things happen to people who don't deserve them.

What I'm afraid of most is falling into a mundane, lonely routine come next year, which I feel like I am heading towards given the way I've been this year. Striving to do only just well enough to get by, but not trying to make the most of what I have - because I am okay with settling for passable circumstances. Because I don't even care about striving to do my best anymore. I just want to play games or read all the time. What the hell, I'm a horrible role model.

It makes me wonder why I bother living day-today, if this is all I'm going to care about. God, go find someone else who will actually DO things with what you give them. Someone who actually has a passion for this life. Stop showing me things cause I'm probably not going to bother even if I see it.

Why I never see myself as a mentor to people. Why I never seem to be able to reach out - to have those deep conversations with the people I want to have deep conversations with. Why I cannot stand myself.

Furthermore, how my issues resolved themselves - they haven't really. I'm still dealing with them right now. And if any of them did resolve, there was no real act of reconciliation with God or anything like that. I just continued moving on with life. It's times like this where I feel like I ought to have some mind-altering revelation or a major turnaround in life or something - but nothing. I'm still the same old, same struggling person. I don't even know anymore.

God, I don't know what you want with me right now. You know what I cared about before. Those things I asked. I'm sorry for not keeping on task with you on them. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because I stopped believing you'd do anything a long time ago. Maybe it's because I'm too stubborn to grasp at the things you're letting me grasp in light of the things that I want that I haven't been able to grasp. Whatever the case, should I say thank you for putting up with me even now? Even though I might just turn on you tomorrow? Or the day after that?

My mind is too feeble and short sighted to make sense of all of this right now. I'll just say that despite all that I've said about losing passion and motivation this semester, I know that part of me still cares. The part that I saw come back in pieces yesterday, and today while working... You still got me.

God, you still got me.