In the process

of reconciling what I've learned and what I have yet to face.

I feel rather pessimistic right now. Everyday now I'm confronted with signs of things that just aren't right in my life, and then simply trying to live out what I've learned in the past doesn't seem applicable. It doesn't seem "grounded in reality" as someone would put it- because the world is just that much bigger than me, than the places I've grown used to being in, than my home, than Berkeley itself. I find myself cut off from the standard of living that I've been trying to hold onto for the past month.

And then I find myself swearing a lot in my head, thinking thoughts that I don't want to think, because my flow is off. I just think to myself, "I need to sit down and study/catch up with things, and then everything will be back to normal."

Lies.

I can't just go back to my routine lifestyle with a straight face, while simply ignoring the fact that I still need to figure out what the heck I'm doing with my life at some point. I can't ignore the fact that people around me are still afflicted by past scars, and that I still haven't reconciled with that part of me that secretly wants to rage at people for even just the little things that they do that piss me off sometimes. I can't just go on day after to day ignoring God.

In all honesty, right now, I feel very out of it. I can't trace the actual cause right now, besides perhaps a series of bad or otherwise draining events, including this project that basically consumed my life this past week and the lack of time to reflect, but right now I just feel out of it.

And suddenly, it feels completely natural to be a jerk to people. Or at least, in my head. And I can't help but feel consumed with negativity. I almost couldn't bear being at the football game today, because every few seconds I would get ticked off by either the sun, the comments people were making around me, certain plays, the very act of being at the football game, and just random unrelated things that I couldn't get out of my head. Top it off with "I shouldn't be here right now. My mind is not right." On repeat.

This is probably what it means to say that I need rest. From people. From school. And from life.

I think I'm going to take a break from routine for a bit. I need it right now.