a moment

cynicism is unhealthy.

so I came, hoping for some kind of a resolution to these things. even as I looked at, or rather looked down upon the lyrics sitting in front of me. how simplistic they were. it's one of those little pet peeves I have with worship lyrics. I feel predisposed to dislike them if I'm looking at them without the accompanying music, because just reading them... whose words are these, really? is this the best that we can come up with? something so trite sounding, so common, devoid of thought?

I've always had an issue with it. That tendency to just turn your mind off and not even think about what you're singing. You could easily change the lyrics to something more offensive, something downright disgusting, but with those Christianese chords playing, you would hardly tell the difference unless you stopped yourself for a moment to actually look at them. What's the purpose of singing, or even speaking, words you're hardly aware of, words you would hardly believe if you were paying attention?

Even though I desperately want to believe them.
It's funny how well they stick in your head even when you don't really feel the same way.

It goes even beyond that. Do I really believe the words I pray? The words I hear other people praying? Do we really, earnestly mean the words we say? If I had a penny for every time I've heard someone say, "I'm seeing a picture of..." or "I feel like God is putting this word on my heart..."

It's the fear that these feelings, these emotions, aren't real. That they're imagined, misguided, self generated, out of a hope, out of a desire, out of a whim, a random thought that just came out of nowhere because our minds just happen to operate on random thoughts. That we're just fooling ourselves deep down inside with forced emotions, hoping that if we lie to ourselves enough, that those lies will eventually become truth. I thought of the testimony I heard, where after the fact it turned out that the wine still tasted like water, but everyone just went along with it anyway, and it was still amazing what work was being done.

What bull-

But I have no right to say so, because our experiences are subjective... right?

And then the music started playing, and all of the voices, in all of their imperfection. I'd forgotten what it had felt like. This acknowledgement of everything that's wrong with us, how we create and cause our own problems for ourselves. and we sit here, in imperfect harmony, singing and yearning for something more, something better and beyond us, that we can only sense the shadow of but not perceive yet. and I'm not the only one who heard it.

and I thought to myself, this is why. This is why we're here, even though it doesn't have everything that we're hoping for. The resolution isn't there yet, nor is that setting I'm looking for, and it's not something that I'm expecting right now. Because just as we go on, so does life. and so does God.... in pursuit.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.