A Step

I am paralyzed by the feeling that what I'm doing right now is meaningless in light of better things that can and ought to be done. Self-consciously judging all of my current activities and devaluing them in comparison to things that actually matter, things that for whatever the reason I never saw fit to take interest in. Because somehow learning to play music is better than whatever I'm doing, because somehow baking and cooking is better than whatever I'm doing, because making cards and gifts for people is better than whatever I'm doing. Whatever I'm doing is nothing.

These comparisons are not healthy, I know. But they just come up unavoidable, in light of feeling conscious that my life could be so much more than it actually is, if I even bothered to take a single step in the other direction. To have drive, for once. God, what more could I be doing with this dead hull of a life? What more could I be doing now if I just gave it all up to you already? Why am I waiting so long to do this?

I just keep finding excuses to toss in front of the rug. Just one more game, one more book, one more episode, one more time, one more night, to live and be carefree and ignorant of the greater world. There is so much more I'd like to do before I give it all up. Give everything up, including this life that I have almost come to believe that I have nothing more to expect from. Nothing but disappointment, misunderstanding from other people, and loneliness. A life full of relationships that I can never fully realize in my lifetime, that I cannot do anything about anymore, because someone or another gave up on them a long time ago.

I am afraid of giving it up, because I am afraid of the possibility that it all might just stay the same afterward. Afraid that God's answer is no, you won't see the things you want to see take place in your lifetime no matter what you do anyway, because that just isn't part of what I have planned.

So much I am blinded by the possibility of disappointment from the things I can see, and not hopeful for the promise of good things from that which I cannot see. So much so that I stopped talking. Stopped believing. Continued doing. Continued sinning. Because I had nothing more to expect from this fruitless, meaningless life.

God, I want to believe. So much. But belief of this level takes an amount of commitment on my part that I've been to this point unwilling to take.

So begins my resolution for this year. God first, for once in my life. Then we'll see what happens.