Ceremony

This is why events unnerve me
They find it all, a different story
Over time the wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asks is the strength to hold me
Making the same old story
Word will travel oh so quickly
Travel first and turn towards this time

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, these things she said
The times she cried
Too frail to wake this time

Oh I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever, forever
Watching love grow, forever
Letting me know, forever 

The thing that gets me about this song is the transient nature of its lyrics. I discovered this song on Galaxie 500's On Fire album, and found out that it was both not originally part of that album and a cover of a song by New Order that was originally composed when its members were still in Joy Division. The lead singer who composed this song, Ian Curtis, committed suicide two weeks after his first live performance of it, and none of the members of Joy Division could find his lyrics after his death so they had to rewrite parts of the first verse and chorus.

Which kinda gets me cause I really wanted to know what Ian wrote. As far as the song's meaning is concerned, most people seem to believe that it's related to the reason why he killed himself. His marriage was falling apart because of an affair he had had with another woman, and he'd been trying to convince his wife to stay with him. But the song isn't addressed to his wife; it's addressed to the woman he had the affair with. About his attempts to break out of this cyclical ceremony with that woman, who had caused his life to turn for the worst.

I'm listening to one of the live versions of the song recorded by Joy Division before Ian's death. The recording kinda sucks cause Ian's voice is so muffled that you can barely hear what he's saying, and some parts don't entirely sound like what the current lyrics are. What really gets me, though, is his voice. The music's optimistic and uplifting, but Ian's voice is mixed with contrasting feelings, almost like it's sad and hopeful at the same time? I don't know if I'm just hearing it because of what I already know and the fact that the recording is so bad, but it still gets me.

I know, this guy didn't exactly live the best life ever. But his work does say something about the ephemerality of music, of life, of love. Sadness.

I haven't really felt this way since finishing To the Lighthouse, which is kind of an odd book to relate to this when I think about it. But eh, I've made a lot of random connections in the past.