snippet of a year

I worried so much this past year about such little things. Feeling incredibly resistant to meeting new people because I wasn't sure if these people were the kind of people I wanted to hang out with. And even after the fact, feeling left out of the loop even though I hadn't really tried that hard to begin with. Sensing that there were still things I might not like about them, or that there might be things they didn't like about me. Maybe that was the reason I always had to invite myself to events?... until I stopped and grew tired of it.

The best advice I got on it recently - "don't worry about it."

And to realize that all wasn't as it seemed. That even the people I thought I might dislike or never see again were still people I enjoyed interacting with, even if I hadn't said a word to them at all for months. I think some of my favorite interactions are with people who I haven't spoken with for a long time and are perfectly fine with it being that way... although maybe that's more typical of the working life to begin with.

Overall, I think this experience has been mostly the opposite of what I was expecting. I remember at the end of senior year expecting to be a recluse and lose touch with most people, or writing something along those lines on one of the posters at Chapter Camp. and now I'm just the guy who somehow ends up either at Berkeley or out of town every other weekend or is otherwise off being too popular for his other friends except for pity hangouts. (which they aren't!! -__-)

It doesn't make sense because my idea of a perfect day is some combination of a bunch of single-person activities. Reading a book [in bed], watching a show, playing a game, coding, and then sleeping. But somehow I have five different plans in succession this weekend, and it's starting to stress me out a little the way these things suddenly just stack up, even if they are good things.

(random aside, but I think I also suffer from the incessant desire to always befriend friends of friends. It tends to not work out so well. There can only be so much friendliness in the world.)