..

It seems to be the recurring pattern nowadays that I don't think about much during the week except on Friday nights. Specifically during large group, which is a bit annoying because I usually like to pay attention to the speaker(s) at large group, but most times I find that I start thinking out of control without entirely paying attention to what's being said. As if large group somehow stimulates my self-reflective moods again. Maybe it's because of the nature of the environment, or because I am forced to confront the reality of the life I'm living there. Because I find it necessary to confront God there. And I mean confront, not encounter.

Last week I tried to make a sort of resolution to keep in touch with God during the week, so that I wouldn't keep on finding myself falling into the continual routine of feeling my weeks to be too routine, too devoid of God. To continue talking to God as I walk down Euclid, through campus, towards whatever errand or class I had to run at whatever time of day. I still have that random habit of singing worship songs when I'm walking by myself without realizing it, but it occurred to me that I don't really think about or reflect on the words that I'm singing, so it doesn't necessarily feel... genuine. I do this a lot with all of the songs I like to sing though, which is probably why it takes so much more effort for me to actually pay attention to hip hop, where the words matter so much more than the music alone.

Of course, this week started out okay, but I didn't really do a whole lot of... reflecting. I hardly have time for half of the days of the week, and the other days I end up engrossing myself in the next adventure game I'm playing or whatever. I've actually been thinking about giving up games for Lent, even though Lent already started... maybe I should do it. Even though I continually surround myself with games I want to play, I realize that my adventure/RPG obsession has been interfering a lot with the other facets of my life. A lot of the time I'm really just impatient to get on with the next game, so I don't really take the time to enjoy the current game I'm playing for what it is. Which is further compounded by school, which causes me to feel like I never have time to play games. I think I need to give it up, at least for this semester. Even though it may kill me inside.

But anyway, that issue aside... there were a lot of random thoughts that ran through my head during large group today, but I don't really remember them. As usual. I remember thinking about how annoying it was that I always forget what I think about during large group. For the last few weeks I've been neglecting to bring my journal, and today I brought my journal but didn't write anything in it. I just didn't feel like it. When I went to church (oh, the other place where my thoughts go wild) this Sunday, I brought my journal but only took notes for the sermon cause I didn't feel like I had time to sit and reflect. But I did end up getting prayer. And prayer just brought more questions, because I wasn't entirely sure what God was doing or wanted to do in my life at that moment. I suppose I still don't.

Anyway, that has all been a sort of exposition into the state of my mind this past week. I can add some more elements to the effect of being rather bothered by the events that are happening in UCSD and that mass riot that took place on southside last night, and my reflections about how much I am affected by self-image and images of people and events in general as they play through my mind, and just stress in general for everything that needs to be done and what I'm not doing right now, but those are topics for another time.

One of the topics that tends to come up a lot at IV is reconciliation - and to be honest, up until sometime recently, that was a topic that I thought was kinda cool but never really felt that relevant to my life. Or at least currently/previously relevant. There is maybe one specific case where it would have been relevant a few years ago - but I am cool with the person involved now, and somehow there wasn't a whole lot of "formal" reconciliation involved in the process. Whenever a problem came up, it was always one of those things that you don't talk about cause it causes unnecessary tension, you know?

Of course, I found inevitably that not talking about an issue is not a viable solution to anything. I feel an inherent need to talk when things bother me, because I feel like things swept under the rug are just going to cause more stupid problems later. But of course, people are not always available to talk to at any given moment, and oftentimes they won't want to talk about the problem either. Which sucks. And then there are arguments that just don't go anywhere. And then there is the dilemma of possibly causing a semester long cold war. and the list goes on...

What gets me is how often I am affected by problems that do not directly concern me. I know that trademark line - "It doesn't concern you." Which still kinda pisses me off. Of course, oftentimes, I have no control over said problem, so I just tend to overlook it and sweep it under my own rug. It's not right to talk about something that isn't even my problem. But I can't help but be bothered by the things I see sometimes. Maybe it does concern me if it's affecting my friends.

But back to reconciliation. When they talk about it at IV, it just seems so... right, you know. Like I can't picture why we all can't just solve our broken relationships by reconciling with each other. But as has been pointed out before, it is really difficult to do when you actually get down to it. It means giving up your right to feel offended and victimized by that crap that hurt you to begin with. Like saying, "You know what? I know that you ruined my life for the last year or so, and I have every right to hate you for what you did, but I actually forgive you and that's all in the past." I don't think I could ever seriously say that to anyone who actually did ruin my life for a year. It's not like I'd just forget what happened, you know. These wounds take a long time to heal if they ever do heal. And it just feels better to know that you're right and they're wrong, right? RIGHT?

I don't know. Sometimes Christianity just makes everything sound fine in my head. "Cause I know that you hurt me in the past, and I hate what you did, but Jesus forgave you so I forgive you too." It sounds all nice... and kinda unrealistic and sappy at times, but still, it makes sense to me. But then I see so many people getting hurt in one way or another and just staying the same for such a long time, and I wonder, is this kind of forgiveness really possible? And I already know what the answer is from a Christian perspective - that it's only possible through Jesus. Having a relationship with Jesus makes all of the difference in the world, because he already did everything that needed to be done so that we could forgive each other. No matter how we actually deserve to be treated.

But at the same time, how often do you see that idea actually realized? Even as a Christian, I keep finding that all I ever want to do is mope in all of the bad things that I perceive to be happening to me. And then I just see people everyday, Christian or not, who've stopped talking, who don't get along anymore, who (in some cases) hate each other's guts, and it doesn't seem like there's anything to be done anymore - and they'd rather just leave it that way. Does reconciliation and forgiveness even make sense in these contexts? With or without God?

And furthermore, should I just go on, and somehow attempt to stop caring about other people's problems when it doesn't concern me or I can't do anything about it myself?

For the past 8 years or so, every group of friends that I have had since middle school has been wrecked by some series of broken relationships. And I would always get pissed off when they would badmouth each other after going through years of being good friends, but I'd never say anything about it in front of them because I didn't want to offend them and it didn't concern me. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but every time I hear something about it again I just go nuts in my head. I just want to go la-la-la and escape into that dream-world in my head where everything's nice and fine and dandy. Because I'm just better off minding my own business and not reprimanding people to hurry up and reconcile already. Or better yet, I shouldn't be judging them for not doing what makes "perfect" sense in Christian terms, because it's bad to be judgmental of other people, my friends especially.

Last Friday I came home in a state of distress and started crying out to God over the state of the things I saw, because I couldn't really talk to anyone about problems that weren't mine that still somehow upset me as much as if I were the one being offended, and I just wanted to stop caring about those problems because it seemed like not even the people involved actually cared about what was happening. And I thought I was just getting caught up over nothing. Like seriously, why am I the one getting upset over this?

Do I really love them that much? Or am I just lamenting the situation at hand because it isn't the way I want it to be?

God, please. Because I'm hitting my limit right now.

There isn't enough time in a day, let alone a week, for everything.

After a rather erratic on and off hiatus I've started listening to music again on a regular basis. I forgot how much I love this stuff.

.

Falling down a bottomless pit.

Note to self:

Never go to class without eating lunch again. -_-

I have this tendency

to be long winded whenever I write anything that could otherwise be summarized in a sentence.

There was a lot running through my head during large group today, but I'm not really in a mood to write about it right now. It occurred to me that there were two other threads of thoughts going on for me back at APA that I didn't address in the last post that aren't entirely related to what I wrote or each other, unless you put them together under the unifying umbrella of my "personal identity." Which I think is what APA really was about for me, moreso than just in ethnic terms.

It is so difficult to listen to God sometimes.

Whenever I think of the road to Damascus I think of donkeys.

Ever have one of those days where you feel somewhat morbid but you can't figure out why? Erm, maybe not.

I don't think it helps that I start having coughing spells whenever it's nighttime. I haven't been able to sleep in bed without coughing uncontrollably for an hour before sleeping, and it feels less like I'm actually-sick-coughing and more like I'm-having-an-asthma-attack coughing (aka bronchospasms). When I lie down it feels like I have water stuck in my throat that I can't get rid of. Or I just simply can't breathe. It's annoying.

Today's reading was Acts 9- Saul's Conversion and Peter healing Aeneas and Dorcas. I remember back in first grade when we had to act out random Bible stories for chapel, dressed in make-do first century Middle-Eastern attire. I had to play one of the two guys who helped Saul into Damascus after he got blinded by God. I remember thinking while I was watching Saul getting healed by Ananias that I wished I had gotten picked to play Ananias, cause his role seemed so much cooler than random helper person whose name isn't even mentioned in the Bible. I wanted to heal people!

(yes, my first grade self was a little conceited.)

But anyways, Acts 9:15-16 kinda stood out to me.

¹⁵But the Lord said to Ananias, "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. ¹⁶I will show him how much he must suffer for my name."

Emphasis on the fact that Saul "must suffer" for God's name.
It makes me wonder... you know, how much of a say did Saul/Paul have in all of this? I mean, I guess I wouldn't try to argue if God just blinded me out of the blue and then healed me afterwards- but still. Luke doesn't really give much insight into what Saul was thinking at the time; he just says what Saul does. And it's hard to really tell why exactly he changed, which is why I find it hard to believe that he actually started preaching right after this. Or rather, I find it hard to believe that he suddenly became so eager to serve a God who kinda smacked him at the peak of his power. I wish we were allowed to see more into the minds of the people in the Bible, but I guess that would've been a limitation for anyone who wasn't actually there but trying to write about it.

It's just kinda interesting the way that it's worded, that it sounds like God's just making Saul suffer. Granted, Saul kinda deserved it at the time for being an ass with all the mass persecution and killings, but still. I can see how this all worked out so advantageously for God- but what was in it for Saul at the time?

On another note, the latter section with Peter made me wiki Peter later on (as I normally do). Rereading about his upside-down crucifixion on wiki made me kinda sad. Peter was my favorite. :(

It did make me wonder, though, about the truthfulness of that account. I can easily feel melodramatic after reading about it and picture the event in my head, but I don't have much in the way of knowing whether or not it actually happened- which doesn't work so well for me, who tends to get obsessed over knowing what actually did happen. It makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back and witness history make itself happen.

I kinda have a love/hate relationship with historical movies in the same way. So often do I wish that movies portray events the way they actually happened, so I could just give in to the story, but at the same time I feel disappointed because I know that's not what actually happened. Which is why watching Glory makes me sad (for the melodrama) and sadder (because that's not what actually happened) at the same time.

I was supposed to do hw today

but instead I got obsessive about accumulating RSS feeds (aka adding blogs and websites to my follow list). Damn you, Google Reader.