hi.

So I was feeling self-contemplative tonight, partly in lieu of the ongoing "list 16 things about yourself" craze going around facebook, but I don't feel like publicizing this in a note or anything so I'm writing here instead. And this will likely go over 16 at the rate that I'm thinking.

This is how I currently perceive myself at this moment in time. And so hence may not necessarily be accurate from the point of view of other people. And to top it off, a list of serious resolutions I have randomly interspersed in there.

1. I am an introvert by nature. Apparently when I was little (at least at family gatherings) I used to be loud and talked a lot, but nowadays I tend to be reserved and keep to myself. Which pretty much means all the time with strangers, most of the time with acquaintances, and still a good part of the time with my regular friends. I mean, I still try to talk, but every so often I'll either conciously or not move into a quiet state, either being absorbed into my own little world (which consists of my mind and my laptop) or being an observer of other people... talking and whatnot.

Resolution 1: Well, to be honest, I like being an introvert, but I do want to be more involved in the world that exists outside my bubble. Which means, be off of my laptop more often. I find that whenever I'm on my laptop, I don't really associate well with people... or I tend to be more antisocial in general. And I really did spend a lot of my time on it the last three semesters... I feel like if I weren't so sucked into it, I'd be more active outside and doing things for once. Least, I hope I would.

2. I have a particular sense of pride that I don't usually like to admit exists regarding how other people perceive me... which I think it is possible to pick up from the way I act. In other words, I don't like to embarrass myself in front of other people (this usually happens unintentionally and more readily/easily in front of my friends), and I don't like to admit that I'm not good at something. Typically the rule is, if doing something tarnishes my image (or how I perceive my image, anyway) in some way... I will try to avoid it at all costs, unless it is impossible to do so for personal/being realistic reasons. And with that said, this leads to...

3. I am a quitter. Or at least in the sense that, if it takes a certain amount of effort for me to do, I lean towards giving up or taking the easy way out. I don't like exerting a large amount of effort on tasks (I suppose I'm just lazy at heart), and a lot of times I find that I take more effort (and time for that matter) than most people to become proficient at something (see: sports, games, the like). Maybe it's because I tend to overthink things in general, maybe I'm just not a natural at these things that I sometimes wish I were good at, but regardless, if it's going to take effort or time to do and it's not necessary for me to live, then I probably won't do it. Part of it is me not wanting to expose myself to the possibility that if I actually tried to get better at something, I may just have to admit that I'm not good at it. Which leads to...

4. I don't like admitting that I can't do something. I take pride in being able to (one day) be good at something - at least given any amount of time and effort. The same applies to how I feel about other people: meaning that, I hate seeing pessimism in other people, and dream crushers piss me off.

5. While we're on the topic of hate, I HOLD GRUDGES. That's to say, I won't necessarily hate the person that's the cause of the grudge, but I may feel some lingering sense of bitterness towards them sometimes. I know, I know, I should learn to forget and continue on with my life... well I can manage continuing on so long as the topic doesn't come up again. I do feel upset sometimes because I'll notice (if the said person and I are still friends) that I'll occasionally feel or act differently towards that person because I still remember some previous old blahblahblah that happened between us... It sucks cause I don't forget things that easily if it had a significant impact on my life at one point. The guys back in middle school who made fun of me cause I sucked at sports... other things I don't feel like mentioning... in the long run, the people I hold grudges towards don't deserve the shit feelings I have about them. I try to act like I don't remember anything, but sometimes I wish I really did forget.

6. I like being amiable with people. I hate conflict, between me and another person or between two or more people I know... sometimes I wish everyone could just go back to being happy together again, but I realize things don't always work out that way. People's personalities will naturally clash... and it just bugs me to no end. Can't we all just be neutral, you know?

7. I have difficulty committing to tasks over a long period of time. I find that my attention span wanders a lot and I am very easily distracted by little things. Which sucks because there are a lot of things I want to do, but half the time I find myself starting them and never finishing them because I somehow wound up on something else... and don't really feel like getting back to that task anytime soon.

8. I find other people interesting by nature. Going back to myself as an observer, I like seeing how people interact, the results of that interaction, etc. I don't mind not being involved in the conversation because... well I'm used to watching other people without my influence. It comes packaged with my contemplativeness. It's not like I view other people as subjects of an experiment or anything... I just find ourselves fascinating.

9. I am nosy. Because I like people, I naturally have to know everything about them: who they are, where they come from, where they've been, what they've done, how they got there, what they had to do to get from where they were to where they are now... yes, Nathan can attest to this. I realize it "doesn't concern me" and all, but eh, I have trouble controlling myself sometimes. I feel almost automated to want to know things. Although I have no problem with not knowing something if it isn't wanted to be known (well, after some convincing anyway), so feel free to tell me that it'd rather be private. I apologize for being so nosy. :/

10. How I talk to someone reflects what feelings I'm sensing from the person at that moment. If I for some reason think that the other party isn't interested, I back off. Which I tend to do oh too often, and because of that I feel like I come across as uncaring sometimes. Oh heck, maybe I really don't care that much... I sometimes wish I were more earnest about things. If you let me talk, I will talk... so long as it feels comfortable to do so. I kinda wish I could talk about anything and everything with everyone I know... without it becoming awkward.

11. I hate having awkward moments, despite the fact that they happen all the time. I have no problem trying to make light of an awkward moment, but usually the other party isn't reciprocal of it, so I feel like I'm making myself look stupid... I dunno.

12. I don't like starting conversations with people, but I like responding back. Sometimes my responses sound disinterested (I get the "you don't sound enthusiastic" sometimes), but honestly, I really am. If I weren't interested I wouldn't be talking in the first place, dammit. I don't like starting conversations though because a lot of the time I feel like I'm intruding on someone... so me talking to myself would end up in a stalemate.

13. There are a number of people I wish I could get to know better. You know, feel like I could talk to them about anything with, be able to hang out with without it being awkward, just see more often, you know? Unfortunately, my tendency to back off from other people who don't sound interested (least to me) really gets in the way here, and I often don't really know how to talk to them anyway. I've tried before... I just have trouble accepting the fact that I can't really be that kind of a friend to everyone. And I don't feel like I'm as earnest as someone like say, Olivia. Like, I want to care... but sometimes I don't convey that I care enough. And sometimes I wonder whether I really do care that much.