I think I am going to drop Stat 134 today when I get the chance. I actually had kinda decided on it over the weekend, but when I came back from APA on Sunday I started having second doubts again. Then today I started having a rather weird sick-in-the-head-and-body experience during lecture just out of nowhere, which felt like a sign that I should stick with my conviction and drop. I wrestled with it for a while, but really, I think it's better for my state of mind that I drop it, cause I don't think I can calmly pay attention in class again. But yeah, after I decided on it I felt a sort of uplifting freedom afterwards... to actually have the time to focus more where I need to focus.
I think something I've realized over the past several semesters is that I really value having free time, because I tend to feel like I'm in a constant state of rushing to get things done and never have time to do other things. It affects me in almost everything I do and has been partly exacerbated by the need I feel to make myself not look slow and inefficient. It doesn't help that oftentimes people will pressure me to hurry up and do something faster (or I will do so to myself when I see other people doing what I'm doing but faster), and I have never worked well under that kind of pressure. Consequently I tend to have very little patience for some things, which is part of the reason why I have this habit of trying to multitask everything that I do. Although I tend to fail even at that.
In a way, this weekend was a good time for me to finally confront that label... or at least acknowledge its existence. Lately, I'd been starting to hit a breaking point because I was feeling pressured to do so many different things at once: keep up with problem sets, find research, update the resume, find housing, maintain contacts, and then all of the extra stuff on my agenda like the endless amounts of lists of things that I want to do. And then I was feeling that panic over what to do with my schedule if I dropped stat cause I'd have no room for getting back to it next year, let alone the fact that I was conflicted over which courses I wanted to fit in next year and kept switching things right and left. There wasn't really much room available for seeing people, and then it didn't help that I got sick last week.
And then there was also the feelings I had of not knowing where I was going with God, like I was just stuck in some kind of vapid hole with no escape. I didn't feel at home in IV, I didn't feel at home at the apartment, I didn't feel at home on campus, and I didn't feel at home at home. I just felt lost and stranded over nothing.
And then during APA, something... I don't know if clicked is the right word. They were offering prayer ministry and I didn't really want to get up, but after some point I couldn't take it anymore and got up and asked for prayer. And after letting loose a stream of slightly random problems that had been throttling my head for a while, including the fact that my nagging pink eye was just throwing everything out of the loop, Andrew prayed for me and somehow it started becoming clear.
I can't really explain how, and my memory of the moment itself is a bit fuzzy, but part of just hearing Andrew speak about my problems and fears, clarifying the multitude of voices trying to speak into my life... it hit something. That this was what I wanted, more than anything. To feel inspired, to feel excited about something at a moment where every action I was doing felt dead. To have someone to confide in, someone to listen, some confirmation of where I was at that moment, to be patted on the back and hear the words "You'll be fine"... I still can't really describe what it actually is (and I have a sort of fear that whatever other words I could use would just cheapen the moment) - but somewhere in all that, I felt God there, after not feeling God for what felt like ages.
It still took the course of another night for me to develop the feeling, after writing the acceptance letter, but somewhere along the line, I finally was able to come to terms with what was going on. I couldn't keep trying to pile this crap onto my resume or even keep worrying about my resume anymore, because that in itself was just consuming me. What I needed was a break, to actually be able to talk to God without being pushed around or rushed by anything. I wanted to write in my journal; I want to read, I wanted to share, I wanted to expand what I knew; I wanted to thirst for God in a way that I never really had allowed myself to before. It was a different sort of spiritual high than the kind you get from singing worship in church, but in a way it was a good one.
I want to be able to be genuine in spite of all of the crap that's coming this semester, and to actually do something that I actually feel passionate about for once as opposed to just have a passing interest in. To have a heart for the people and issues that God has a heart for.
This is what's happening.
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