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For some reason nowadays, I feel more self-conscious about writing something here. Hence the lack of updates. Seeing as how I've had plenty I could've said in the past few weeks, but none of it's shown up here. Although part of it was stuff that would've been better left unsaid online, anyway.

In the constant frenzy of starting to worry about what I'll be doing a year from now and realizing that there actually are classes I can't take now even if I wanted to, I've been starting to forget the optimism I had a few weeks ago. Forgetting that I have a lot to be thankful for in what I have right now, and that excess worry causes me to lose sight of them and just causes more headaches for me in the long run. And makes me more irritable in general.

This past week in particular has been kinda rough. Been fighting feelings of... failure, I guess. Again. But not academic failure... relationship failure. I keep feeling like I've let down my apartment-mates or my friends in one way or another, and every day I keep running into a hurdle that reminds me of how I've failed them. It struck me in particular when I said I was going to a Hospitality Team meeting and was told in response, "What? You're not very hospitable."

And it's true, I'm not. Or at least not in more private settings. I can't count the number of times I've abandoned someone or ignored someone out of convenience or simply because I didn't feel like it. Of course, I wish I were more hospitable... but I look back at the past and I can honestly say that I haven't been. I say I want to do this in IV, but I can't even do this at home.

It doesn't help that lately I've been feeling more irritable in general. Little things will just tick me off for no reason... like a string of bad luck events or not getting more than 7.5 hours of sleep. Bombs go off in my head when I'm criticized, especially when I know that it's true. Today in lecture, all I could think about was the conversations and little snide remarks that annoyed me in the past 24 hours, about how I'd failed to apologize to people for things I'd subtly done against them, about how I just wasn't being fair to people by being so incensed and needed to stop assuming things and being biased, about how I was still mad at people anyway for things they probably didn't think much of.

Part of me feels that it'd good that I'm feeling this way now, that it's important for me to confront this spectre of passive aggressiveness in my life and have the guts to say things for once. But I don't want to explode at people, because that would not help anyone. Even though I keep imagining conversations in my head that lead to a confrontation or explosion that just doesn't end well. And I'm not really doing anything about it at the moment either.

I feel like whenever I try to change, I get called out for my hypocritical actions in the past. And then I don't change just to be stubborn.

What happened to that faith I had before? That faith that I could do anything so long as I invited God into it, and let him work things through? Why am I not letting him do that now?

The more I reflect on it, the more I realize what little faith I had.