pride.

This originally started out as a post about rediscovering. Rediscovering feelings of wonder, of awe, of activities I used to enjoy but for whatever the reason I wound up stopping for a while, and then eventually forgot what it was like to enjoy such things. But then it turned to examining the reason why I stopped, or rather the reason why I began to avoid pursuing activities I used to enjoy in the first place. In fact, I have an active tendency to avoid doing things that I know I would probably enjoy doing... particularly when other people are around.

It pretty much boils down to pride. Pride that leads me to act irrationally in the presence of other people, because for whatever the reason, I hate to be seen doing these things. It often is because it reveals some vulnerability in my being. But it takes a lot for me to overcome these stupid feelings and actually enjoy myself in the presence of other people.

To sum up, a list of activities I enjoy (or do in general), but tend to avoid in the presence of other people. The reasoning behind these will probably come across pretty often as petty, selfish, and hypocritical. I know - it's something I need to work on.

- Swimming.
I took swimming lessons from first to fifth grade, so it's not like I'm scared of swimming pools or anything (although I'm still deathly afraid of the ocean. or rather, of sinking ships and planes crashing into the ocean and tsunamis and getting salt water in my eyes and drowning in large bodies of water in general.) The reason I stopped taking lessons has little to do with why I avoided swimming again for such a long time - but rather, it was because the next time I got around to swimming again, it was a couple of years later at a pool party and I'd already forgotten much of what I had learned in the past. and trying to relearn in front of other people who know how to swim was a bit humiliating, because to them it looked like I'd never really learned before. ("how could you forget how to swim? it's like riding a bike!") and I just couldn't take that.

So naturally, I did the irrational thing and simply avoided going near pools for long periods of time unless I had to. When people asked me if I want to go swim with them, I often made it sound like I hated going near swimming pools. In reality, however, the moment I get into a pool and stop worrying about what other people think, I LOVE IT.

It's funny, cause this past Sunday I finally forced myself to get over those stupid insecurities and managed to legitimately swim somewhat (more than I ever did in the past decade, anyway) in a pool. And it felt amazing. It wasn't even that much, considering that I didn't have my own pair of goggles and wasn't in the pool for that long, and it probably didn't look much like swimming to other people. But the feeling of actually swimming in a pool again... I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

Ironically, my apartment complex has a pool, but I've only used it once in the past year. I intend to change that soon... although I need to buy a pair of goggles cause I left my old ones in socal. But we'll see.

- Dancing to music I like. (besides swing music, anyway. unstructured dancing.) Currently I've been listening to the new Stars single that Elan sent me yesterday on repeat, and it makes me want to dance really badly. I did so while doing the dishes yesterday, and immediately stopped the moment Wes and Jess came in. >_>

- Listening to music I actually like without headphones. I got extremely pissed off this one time when someone turned my music off in the dorms for playing "indie crap," and since then generally don't play my own music in front of other people. part of me still grates inside whenever I'm in a car that's playing top 40 songs on the radio (half of the time because I hear them in Ryan L.'s freaking voice. sigh.). but I get by.

- Cooking, or learning to cook. I've made enough stupid mistakes while trying to learn that I'm afraid my more experienced friends would yell at me for it.

- Piano.
took lessons for 7 years, but stopped right before high school. I don't remember anything I used to play and it would take me a while to relearn how to properly play. the old argument of (how could you forget...) applies here also.

to be honest, though, I hated practicing. I would blame it on the fact that our piano at home had keys that wouldn't make any sound unless you banged on them hard enough... but I didn't really have a passion to play random music that I couldn't appreciate either. I didn't really start listening to music for the sake of enjoying music until a couple of years after. I think I would've enjoyed it more after the fact.

that said, I still randomly get the tunes of songs I used to be able to play stuck in my head from time to time. I miss being able to play them now.

- Watching anime. the negative stigma associated with it and its stereotypes gets to me, even though I shouldn't really care what other people think. I'll admit, I am a japanophile though.

- Playing starcraft, or any rts in general. I got yelled at in my old apartment for sucking at micromanaging once (I honestly never got good at it), and that... led to me breaking the hinges off of my laptop in a fury. Not proud of it.

- Going to the gym. I don't know if I actually enjoy the gym that much, but I know the reason I avoided going throughout college was because I had an irrational desire to not be seen by anyone, especially my own apartment-mates since they insisted on making me go so much.

- Watching full walkthroughs of games on youtube. this brings up the whole "why don't you play the game yourself?" issue, but in general I try to limit this to games I know I wouldn't really enjoy playing because it would stress me out too much. I actually like watching Eternal Darkness, for instance, but I can't stand playing it. The whole notion of being vulnerable and losing sanity by just being seen by enemies... it's too much like my nightmares.

- Resorting to a walkthrough to beat a game that I am playing. this is something I've done ever since I was little - sometimes I give up too easily and end up being impatient in wanting to see how the story plays out, or else get paranoid about missing something and don't want to have to replay the game again later. when people see me do this they usually call me out on it... which is probably merited.

- Reading the Bible, and praying by myself. I know Jesus talks about not praying in public essentially for the sake of looking pious in front of other people; I feel like I have the reverse issue of not wanting to look pious in front of other people because it would look too prideful of me, which in itself is a pride issue.

- Practicing speaking a foreign language. this mainly stems from a time when I was little and told my parents I could speak three languages (English, Spanish, and Indonesian), which was an exaggeration considering all I knew in Indonesian were simple phrases.

Me: Saya mau makan. (I want to eat)
Nanny: Ryan mau apa? (what do you want [to eat], Ryan?)
Me: Ada apa? (what is there [to eat]?)

My parents continue to bring this up in front of our relatives almost every year. Consequently, when I was in fifth grade and my mom asked me if I wanted her to teach me Indonesian for real, I said no. Typical of me.

- Being seen in wandering in public in general when I'm not expecting to be seen. I have this tendency to instinctively try to avoid people I recognize if they don't see me first, which is generally a combination of the desire to avoid awkward situations with the irrational fear of being followed or chased by anybody (which is a recurring theme in most of my dreams). This can often lead to the wrong impression of me trying to avoid specific people - I actually am trying to avoid everyone. Sometimes I wish I had an invisibility cloak for this reason.

- This doesn't really count as something that can be done without being in the presence of other people, but speaking my mind in general. I don't generally say what I think (or I can actively feel myself suppressing what I want to say), particularly when someone else says something that bothers me, which has been happening every once in a while lately. I guess I subscribe to the don't-say-anything-if-you-have-nothing-good-to-say idea, but sometimes I take it too far. This applies moreso to group conversations; I tend to be a lot more open with people one-on-one, if I feel comfortable enough with them. It would be a lot more relieving if I could actually voice my opinion for once... but too often I don't out of fear of opening myself to criticism. Or being told that it doesn't concern me, because sometimes I'm too nosy for my own good as well.

- A bit of a stretch, but being seen on my birthday. This is incredibly petty, but yesterday was miserable for me because I kept feeling paranoid about who was/wasn't wishing me a happy birthday, even though it doesn't matter because I don't generally wish everyone I know a happy birthday either. (I don't hold it against anyone who didn't.) I'd contemplated removing it from Facebook altogether just to avoid the issue, but I didn't want to get flak from people complaining that I was trying to hide my birthday. I'd intended for it to be an uneventful day anyway - but even then, all I could think of was how I wasn't doing anything on my birthday, as if I needed to feel sorry for something I wished for to begin with. Honestly, today in comparison has felt so much more freeing - to be able to move on and not worry about something so insignificant. My selfishness still gets the best of me.

Given all of this, it would seem like I'd be better suited for living alone, which I did pull off for a while last year. But loneliness is another issue altogether for me, and I really appreciate having Wes for a roommate. I'm still trying to work on being better about this stuff to the point where I can be comfortable about it in front of other people... but it's still a work in progress, I guess. Like everything else in life.