I set out all of these mini-side-goal-projects that I wanted to undertake after moving, but naturally, whenever I come home after work nowadays, all I really want to do is just veg out on the couch. Play some of whatever game I'm playing at the moment on the list that never ends, and oh I'm so impatient I have to finish this now because I've been waiting to play this for years!
(well technically, for Front Mission 5, it's been at least since Fall 2010/this post since the original reason I soldered my PS2 in the first place was so I could get it in a working state to play that game, hence the need for a swap magic and a fliptop since the game was a Japan import... which I negated by playing the game on my desktop now. although granted, I didn't have a desktop capable of emulating a PS2 game for another year and a half, by which point I was holding off on the game to finish Front Mission 2...)
Digression aside, I've been in a sort of an anti-people mood ever since moving. It seems that when you actually have all of the time/space in the world to yourself at a place you can call home, the natural thing to do is to recede away from all of those social commitments that you were otherwise so concerned with months ago. It's like now that I don't have to see the same people everyday... I end up just going for a long period without really talking to anyone. But my mind is so preoccupied with the random crap that I usually busy myself with when I'm left to my devices that I don't notice so much except to make an offhand comment in my head about how I haven't had a real conversation with anyone for a while. I mean, I technically still see people around... just not with any sort of consistency or real length. Whatever happened to those deep talks, long walks, moments of self-reflection? I haven't even journaled in a long time either.
I don't really feel lonely like I did when I was struggling with stuff before, though. Now, I just don't really care... or it just feels like an afterthought. The concerns that would've depressed me before just feel like nothing now. But it still doesn't quite feel right.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother doing the things I still do despite of this, though. Like as habit left over from a better time. Still somehow filling up my schedule to the point where the calendar doesn't really look that free after all. Still responding to people (kind of) when they do talk to me. Still going out to church and small group because I just do. Like there ought to be a better reason for all of that, I ought to have better intentions in mind and my heart in the right place and in sync with my head because that's what we basically talked about during the Healing Path. And when I do try (half-heartedly?) to reach out to some folks and people don't respond, I still wonder for a moment after, why do I even bother?
It's clear to me mentally that not all is right, the constant hum-drum of just allowing time to pass by and continuous preoccupation and lack of contact and random dabbling in different activities with no end in sight... because there could still be something better than all of that. There was a time when I still actively hoped for better moments to come and tried to work towards those things, but right now after having random bouts of cynicism and cycles of ups and downs and getting through everything up to this point, I just feel like reveling in being complacent with where I am right now and not caring... because sometimes that's just what the world feels like. Not caring.
I'm able to write this now because just yesterday and today all of a sudden, I feel more awake and somewhat conscious of my current state whereas before I wasn't really even giving much thought on it. (Really, obsessively
What am I really living for right now? To merely exist? and nothing more?
I've got problems to solve and not enough of a mind awake to solve them so far... but at any rate, here's to hopefully making this coming week livelier than the last.
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