limitations

This doesn't pertain to anything recent other than a random thought train in my head during a long car ride.

I sometimes wonder how different I'd be if I didn't have certain biological limitations. Like the following. 

- I never felt encouraged or motivated enough to actively pursue activities like running or hiking up high altitudes because I have asthma that seems to only manifest after strenuous activities. Actually, the last time I went hiking up a steep slope at Lake Tahoe, I almost blacked out after the first climb. Luckily, we were forced to take a break because of an ongoing bicycle race on the trail we were taking, but thereafter I lagged behind the rest of the group with a friend for most of the upward hike because it constantly felt like someone had dropped a medium sized weight on my chest every time I took a step, and it hurt to breathe even after medication the entire time until we finally got back down to the base 8 hours later. There was also that time with my cousin's wedding in the mountains in fifth grade when I genuinely thought I was going to die because I couldn't breathe.

I'm too afraid of tackling any higher climbs in the meantime. That said, I think I would appreciate it a lot more if I could. Pain or not, Tahoe was a beautiful sight.

- The last allergy test I took... or rather, analysis of a blood sample, told me that I was allergic to dust and pollen (as usual), household mold (also common), and every type of tree and grass on the list (ugh). But not animals- although I remember a classmate's dog in middle school triggered my allergies really badly... but it did seem to shed hair nonstep- and thankfully not food, including peanut butter, which I thought I was allergic to in elementary school because of that poking test and ever since have never really liked much (but since college I like eating peanuts by themselves now). 

I don't have any life-threatening allergies, luckily, but I guess I'm so used to sneezing at home and at work now that I don't really pay attention to my allergies unless it leads to something really annoying like barely being able to keep my eyes open while driving. I think the reaction my eyes develop from daily allergies in particular is one of the reasons for my eye-damage phobia and why I cannot apply eye drops for the life of me; my eyes refuse to stay open even if I'm trying to force them to... and I refuse to even consider contacts for that reason. That and I HATE the air puff test they do at the optometrist. The assistant administering it almost gave up on me one time because I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough for the puff to go in, and the device felt like it was getting dangerously close to my eye so I was mentally starting to panic.

Okay, semi-rant done.

- Alcohol. I don't mind having a drink just to be social, but I can't really partake in drinking games (or drinking much of anything) for personal and biological reasons. My heart rate rises to an uncomfortable level after a little more than 1 drink and I can feel my head pulse. More than that, and I develop a really severe headache that feels more like a terrible migraine. Last time this happened (after having already consumed 8 cups of water), I had to lie down because my head hurt too much to stand up. This naturally also makes me really antisocial... or as I described it to one person, exacerbates a sociability problem that I already feel like I have around people.

The second to last time this happened (which led to... this post), I had a moment of self-awareness of "what am I doing here?" The friends I came with had disappeared somewhere at the venue we were at, so I wound up walking outside to get a fresh breath of air as I couldn't bear to be in that atmosphere much longer, only to run into some other people I knew outside in a moment when I didn't feel like being seen. So after a few minutes of hesitation, I went on an impulsive walk around the block, with my conscious screaming, "what are you doing stop this." Back in college, I'd had a few moments like this (not involving alcohol) where I ran out of the apartment out of frustration into the wilderness that is northside Berkeley (I swear I almost ran into a mountain lion on the street on one of these excursions, but Ryan still doesn't believe me). This was just like those... that momentary hesitation, the voice in my head telling me not to go but my body moving anyway, feeling like something was controlling me and causing me to run against my will even though part of me did want to escape from wherever I was at that moment.

And of course worrying whoever I happened to be with in the process. I got yelled at when I came back ("you almost made us search for you all over SF.") and I deserved it.  I didn't actually wander far - just circled around the block and sat on a stump around the corner and tried to talk to God for a while. To some people it probably sounds crazy... but I hadn't really done it for a long time either. and I suppose I really needed it at that moment. But on the car ride back I felt incredibly ashamed and upset with my own behavior afterwards.

Does it make you think that something is wrong with you? Because you don't feel like you can fit in?

I guess since then, I've tended to avoid most engagements that likely involve more alcohol than I'd be comfortable with (...more than 1 drink) if I can help it - because I don't trust my own behavior in those circumstances and I'd rather not cause other people to worry about me again. So yeah, something like a Vegas trip isn't really an option. I've wondered sometimes, if I could actually tolerate it more, would I be more like some of my other friends and actually partake in drinking festivities more often? Maybe.

Although I'm more for all things in moderation anyway. There's also the moral concerns that come with it from a Christian perspective that I've tended to feel ambivalent about with regards to the behavior of other people, perhaps in part because I find some people really entertaining when they're drunk. (...cow-children hehehe. although that wasn't even a drinking party.) But there is good reason not to go too far, and I've never really bought into the concept of drinking for the sake of getting drunk/wasted otherwise. Or maybe I'm just saying that to justify my inability to drink much and preference not to. But really, I tend to not find it worth it.

All said and done, I am the sum of my parts and circumstances, and I think it's probably better that way. To still be thankful for the things that make you who you are, even when it isn't apparently convenient for you... it's something I still have to work on.