on privilege.

My dream is to someday be like you, Ryan.

Okay, so that was said somewhat in jest and was partly a commentary of how much more like the "1%" I've been living right now (...ever since that one Halloween where I showed up to corn mazing in a suit). but still.

Ever since I've moved up here I've had this inkling sense, or more like a pang of guilt in the back of my head that the life I have right now is something I don't deserve.

I was told recently that I had no pride for not feeling anything on knowing that someone with a less developed background than me could get a better pay in the same kind of field (given certain circumstances). Looking on it in retrospect, it's more like I already feel like I'm getting too much as it is, and I honestly don't care how much more other people make than me. It just happens that the field I work in is in demand, because how much you get paid has less to do with the sophistication of your work or educational background and more to do with whether people happen to need what you're doing right now (and with the tech industry that's a whole different story).

And that said, I know too many people with much better work ethics, who have had to struggle with a lot more setbacks in the process to even just get by. People who don't have the luxury of not having to worry about living paycheck-to-paycheck or paying off student loans or debts or how to get to work or other places everyday because they have a car and a smartphone handy. People who don't have the option of having a whole place to themselves and not have to worry about roommate issues or rent or even bad or noisy roommates and neighbors. (my neighborhood is mostly silent aside from the ambient machines at night. I live next to a construction site that only makes noise during the day and the parking lot of AMD.)

And as much as I would love to be able to attribute the point where I'm at right now to my own hard work and perseverance... I can't. Or at least not completely or even mostly for that matter. I somehow had the luck to have been born into the right family, in the right time and place, in the right state of the right country (all right, I'm heavily biased in favor of California), into a good combination of race and socio-economic standing and somehow got lucky with my choice of college and major/field of work combination and somehow managed to land a decent job, with a family that could support me with the choices I made. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my parents have managed to safeguard me from every potential life setback I might've had to deal with and even now still continue to do so. All in exchange for simply being a "good son."

I'm not going to make this a full rant or output of what I happen to personally think about the verdict that came out over the weekend like others have already done, although that in some sense has been tangentially related to this. It was difficult to just read a lot of the reactions that have come out, but the point of the matter being, inequality has become more of a touchy subject for me ever since college, to read about and discuss and see happen everyday if I choose to notice it. Since ethnic identity small group, even though we might not have gone into that much depth on it that often. And since meeting people with lot more variety in background than the few friends I had back home... which was part of the reason I wanted to get the hell out of there in the first place. Not that I hated it down there- I just couldn't see myself living the rest of my life in that setting.

Of course, turning my face away from signs of privilege doesn't take away the fact that I still am privileged. My current living situation pretty much establishes that I'm under the hold of and completed indebted to my family (and gives certain people even more incentive to call me "rich boy"), and my everyday concerns as of late have mostly revolved around "what will I do after work this week" or "what should I eat today" among other things. I have relatively little to complain about my job compared to some of my friends. I've pretty much got enough space to myself to do whatever I feel like, which is kind of a haven for a total introvert like me. My biggest expenses these days tend to revolve around books because I finally have a bookshelf oh wait I need another one, or engagements with people like eating out or seeing theater productions or other stuff, and people have called me out for being fancy and going out everywhere all the time.

Why are you surprised? This is Ryan we're talking about.

I feel almost tentative or hesitant about inviting people over to my place, even though it'd be a great idea, because- particularly with church folks or people who I know through those circumstances- I don't want to be judged by how much I have. Even with the friends that have been to my family's house back in socal, it took one look for one of them to remark, "This explains a lot," which became applicable again when we went walking downtown. And I don't entirely know what "a lot" would mean in this context, but it's probably not that hard to guess. I wasn't fazed too much by it at the time, but the further that time passes, the more that it keeps coming back as a reminder of how different my upbringing has been from even the people I hang out with now.

It's in part because of the way I grew up that I've felt hesitant to try and engage in a community further removed from my economic status. In a decent church context it sometimes is a bit easier to do so, but it doesn't always work out that well in practice without certain preparation which is another story. This might mostly stem from my own personal apprehension, though... because of how jarring it would be to move back and forth between my privileged life at home and the world of the impoverished, and because I was raised to distrust strangers and random folks on the street and those who tend to be in want of money. But wouldn't it make more sense to follow that calling that everyone else talks about, to give up what I have and live in community with those in need?

Yes, I know it's not as simple as that. Inequality is a complex problem with no easy or one-size-fits-all sufficient solution, that is further enforced by the environment we live in and the systems that we have set up. My privileged life is but one small cog in a machine that seeks to preserve itself at the expense of the opportunity of others, so long as I continue to allow it to function that way. These are ideas or personal truths so to speak that have somehow ingrained in my head over time through the influence of the opinions of others, through personal experiences since college and just paying attention every once in a while. And yet I continue on, occasionally wondering what the hell am I doing with my life because where I am now doesn't fit in with the ideals I built up for myself over the years, but otherwise living life complacently from the comforts of my home. I remember saying I wanted to be "stable but not stagnant" a few years ago, and now the second-half reverse of that has come true just like some stupid self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'll admit that this guilt and my desire to distance myself from my position of privilege is largely pride-motivated, because of all of the times I've been called out by friends and others alike for being rich or part of the 1% or whatever, and seriously guys please stop it I get it already. But part of it is also because some of the people I've admired the most have had less to make do with (or quite frankly, been poorer) than me, and after all Jesus did say, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." And it makes sense. Those who have had less in life have had insight into truths and a wisdom greater than the rest of us aspiring middle-class folks could fathom, and I've only heard this mostly second-hand from people who genuinely do care for and interact with them.

This privilege and opportunities I've had up to this point have been a gift, a present I don't particularly deserve more than anyone else but borne off of the hard labor and luck of my family and circumstances that even they didn't have full control over. And it ought to be something I can use not merely to benefit my own life, but to work against the disparity and injustice that I see regularly when I actually pay attention properly. It's my hope that I don't continue to live in this constant sense of guilt or shame for having more, but that I can actually do something good because of it.

I just need the focus and the planning and the direction right now... and I say this while my head is still abuzz from playing Front Mission 5 last night and wanting to see what happens next already as I finally finished the Kiribati section and am now in the Indochina conflict. Bah, wants, needs, decisions, priorities, and blog posts. What a messy combination. And how is it dinnertime already?

So I let my mind wander a bit and that's how easy it is to be distracted from your life goals. But alas, I've got work to do.

(Berlin post is on the way soon. Just been lazy about uploading for the past while... I'll get to it.)