- Posters. After finally putting a few posters up that I've accumulated haphazardly over the years (Stars; two of Yo La Tengo; Homestuck; One Piece; and Nausicaa), I suddenly feel this compulsion to acquire more posters and put them up on ALL THE WALLS. I can't help but just stop and look at a poster sometimes, so I guess it's fitting to just surround the living area with them so I can just stare at them mindlessly whenever I feel like it... and I guess it's a way for me to express my favorite things upon my personal space, although I can't fathom a possible good poster for Planescape: Torment... other than the symbol of torment I guess.
(But I could easily create a
- The auto-pilot won't stop. Or that is to say that I can't help but notice in the back of my mind how automatic more than half of my motions are these days. Routine becoming so second-nature that part of me wonders how it is I'm doing so much without actively being aware of what it is I'm doing. This is what it's like to live a life without reflection.
- I don't like the sound of my writing half the time that I read it. I'll probably dislike what's written here at least one out of the next 5 times I re-read this entry, probably more. Just like my somewhat excessively long goodreads reviews.
(I know that probably isn't actually the expected value if I dislike reading it half the time, but whatever. Ignore what I said if you haven't learned probability.)
- Had a discussion the other day about panic attacks, and after hearing a formal definition of what exactly a panic attack is, I realized that those few times I ran out of the apartment/club/etc. etc. in the past were essentially panic attacks. They say you shouldn't give in to the impulsive desire to escape wherever you are because it actually makes the attack worse, but uh woops, can't reverse that now.
- As much as I would like to think of myself as "open," there is a layer of thoughts that I apparently refuse to write here or even in my own personal physical journal- which I guess is partly why I don't feel anything whenever someone happens to grab my journal out of the blue. It's not like I really have anything to hide in there that I wouldn't be willing to talk about in person anyway. I'm aware of the existence of these other thoughts, but the idea of actually writing them down has never actually crossed my mind or even come close to doing so... although I am more aware of them whenever someone says something that causes them to cross my mind during conversation and I don't say anything, which seems to happen a lot these days.
- "You're good at being there for things."
I suppose it helps that I find it difficult to say no to people unless I already have a real reason to say no.
- Is it normal to be confused about being invited to one thing but not another involving the same group of people for the same related event? Even though I already had plans during the second one anyway, so it didn't matter...
- Sometimes I get the impression that there are other things I could be doing with my time. Take today, where I had no plans during the day and wound up not feeling like doing anything.
Well, other than take care of a few health issues that wouldn't really be appropriate for conversation with anyone other than a doctor...
and then put up the new Earthbound poster I acquired at the retro video gaming convention yesterday...
and then a map of the lands of Ice and Fire...
and then figure out how to get the late 1990's Carmen Sandiego games working on my Windows 8 laptop after randomly reminiscing about them while walking through the streets of downtown San Jose yesterday.
Protip: Windows XP virtual machine (the steps of which to get working would entail another blog post if I could still remember them). but anyway, THEY ACTUALLY WORK! and it occurred to me that these games are actually educational even for an adult; I didn't realize that Zaire had changed its name to the Democratic Republic of the Congo and not the other way around, because in 1996 it was still called Zaire and the game didn't know any better, but wikipedia did.
But I suppose I cheated by resorting to wikipedia in the first place, whereas elementary school-age me had no such resource and somehow managed to capture 50 villains and the elusive Carmen Sandiego on a first try anyway. but not the second time around because I didn't realize that EVERY suspect in the final area was identical to Carmen.
The point being, give me another carefree day and I'll clean the house for once. Probably.
- Note to past self: next time you open a brand new game case with a poster inside, put the poster back inside the case so that your future self six years later won't waste several hours tearing up his house looking for the damn thing, even though the very first thought he had was that it probably was in socal even though the case is up here and somehow that doesn't make any logical sense with his memories. Sincerely, your future self.
- We started a new series on anxiety in small group this past week, which feels hard to apply at the moment because the last time I legitimately felt anxious was more than a year ago when I was going through that panic attack-situational social anxiety phase, whereas lately I've been feeling anything but stressed. Granted, I've also been purposely not actively pursuing actions that would potentially add anxiety to my life that would otherwise be seen as desirable in the future, like say more schooling or a change in jobs or a sudden realization that would lead to a mid-life crisis. Maybe I should change that so this series would be more relevant-
but really, I feel like a more relevant series for me would be on a topic that wouldn't be as applicable to as many people (like some straight up basic fundamentals of theology that aren't directly related to apologetics, but I guess that's what seminary is for...?), so I rest my case for now anyway. I just think we take for granted something that most people can't really afford to do the same for, and it would be good reason to explore why.
- The reason why my posting frequency has gone down so much lately is that I don't have much novel things to say or write about lately that haven't already been said here before, or else I'm in the middle of another distraction already. Bravely Default and Pokebank and the new Wolf Among Us just came out, and I still haven't finished New Vegas yet...
- What do you live for, what do you believe, what do you need, and what do you want.
- I feel like I've already hit the point of being content with the status quo, except that it's really more of a fear of change from the status quo.
What I'm really afraid of is living with certainty on things I have no business of being certain about.
- The longer you [implied: 100% introvert] live alone, the harder it is to fathom the likelihood of wanting to live with another person again. Well, bar for some exceptions, anyway.
- It re-reoccurred to me the other day that the majority of what I feel like saying (in my head and written) doesn't really have much worth, except that there is value in the things I have to say sometimes. Whether or not this is one of those times is another story.
Well, in the greater scope of things it's all meaningless to some person anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment