Expectations

So I started typing up a different unrelated post for a while that probably will never see the light of day, and in the process of writing it, I was reminded that I have issues with people's expectations. Or rather, how people expect you to conform to a certain stereotype in lifestyle or activity based on what they might know about you already, as if that's all there is to know about a person.

It was probably the worst in high school when teachers would actively group you as such. I was good at math and science so people started calling me "Dr. Suwarsa" then, even though I was already starting to develop the impression that the lifestyle of a doctor didn't interest me at all. In senior year while applying to colleges, I actually purposely delayed submitting an application to a post-baccalaureate program for medical school against my parents' wishes because I already knew that I probably didn't want to commit to it... and then took pre-med in college in order to appease them anyway. (partly because I still liked the courses... it would've been a different story if I hated O-chem.)

I feel like a lot of what I do subconsciously is trying to defy people's expectations of me. People are surprised to find out that I like to sing (for the record, the sight singing class at Berkeley was one of the best classes I ever took... up there with Race and American Film, Japanese, and Programming Languages + Compilers lol). Or that I'm into musicals and swing dancing and indie/alternative rock concerts and old films and random historical topics and books of any genre other than sappy romances and browsing book stores and historical sites and art museums for hours more than any sane person would be willing to stomach. (closing times are the bane of my existence. I never have enough time.) I guess it's because those don't necessarily fit with the stereotypical image of a software engineer or science/math buff, even though I know other people in my area who are also unique in that respect. (or maybe I'm just not technical minded enough now. meh.)

Granted, I've also gone too far in the past with emphasizing those other aspects and gotten on some people's nerves for it, trying to fit in somewhere and looking like a poser, essentially. I realize that people don't care about what you do as much as you think they ought to, and sometimes it's possible to come across as shallow and whatever negative connotations you associate with hipsters even when you're technically being true to your interests. Apparently I'm into hipster things without being into the culture itself... or whatever you might call it.

It's more that I don't like the fact that this is considered unusual. Why can't it be normal to have an interest in lots of randomly unrelated things? I wish there were more computer science oriented architects and mathematics loving English teachers and engineers knowledgeable in history, to not so subtly call out people I know- because you people are awesome. Life seems more boring when everyone just happens to fit in a distinct category without interacting with different people outside of themselves. It's why I never felt too comfortable about committing to special interest clubs, and maybe why most of my closest friends happen to be non-Christian even though I've been involved in multiple Christian communities in the past. (I don't mean that as a way of disparaging other people in the opposite situation, though - this is just more of my personal preference.)

People are not static individuals. They change over time, or at least are capable of it. Maybe not always that obviously or blatantly, but it does happen; even relationships will change. The person you would've expected to be there on your wedding day might not be there in the future, and other people who you thought you wouldn't see again suddenly come back into your life in a different form, unexpectedly. I find that I'm not usually surprised by drastic changes in people anymore- actually just the other day, I was told something along the lines of "bet you didn't expect her to swing that way," when in reality it didn't really surprise me much outside of me simply not hearing anything about this person till now. Honestly, sometimes I find the notion of making assumptions about other people in itself insulting.

It may sound a little stupid, but I still find myself mulling over comments that were said to me years ago.

"You haven't changed at all."
- said to me by someone whose personality had dramatically changed since I'd last seen him... a year earlier.

"I know everything there is to know about you."
- clarification of why this person decided to call me 'Nerdy.' Not that I would've minded if this hadn't been said.

"You're such a square."
- ...

Rather trite and likely have been heard by others as well, but the fact is that they still bother me now. Maybe I haven't taken into account that the people who said these likely wouldn't say them today, but this is more to say that the effect is still felt. I'm still trying to make up for hurts that started years ago.

Maybe the problem is that I've put too much stock into being identified by my own interests and activities. Because really, what defines a person? What makes them interesting?

To me, anyway, it's what they think.

[I'm also guilty of making assumptions about people and ignoring them when I deem their opinions uninteresting or not worth hearing about, forgetting that it's possible to have otherwise interesting and likable people hold unlikable thoughts. Or to even irrationally want to still like someone who's given me every reason not to.]