still alive.

I guess I've just gotten more private about things lately... including the things I used to write about. And I can't really sustain this blog with just posts about what I'm currently reading/watching and so on even though that still goes on too. I'd just be self-reporting my distractions if anything, and that's never really been the focal purpose of this blog, else I'd have started a separate entertainment blog or something (which now that I think about it might not be a bad idea but ugh I've started so many blogs by now).

Most days of late cycle between vague tired-of-people-ness, frantically trying to enjoy moments when they come by, and subsequent disappointed feelings but mostly in myself for perpetuating these personal issues indefinitely. Not to mention the host of other problems I don't feel comfortable blogging about for now.

I've been able to speak up more about some of these in person with a few friends, and that's been good... but I still need to see a therapist one of these days. It's been mulling in the back of my head for a long time now (as some of you may know), although like every other major thread in my life, I've been procrastinating on it... just cause. I'm pretty easily distracted. And I suck at asking people for help when I need it since I'm so used to wanting to be independent about everything (and sucking at that too to the point where people nag me about it which only pisses me off more. shut up I know I make mistakes okay).

But procrastination and good talks aside, lately it's been getting to the point where I've started telling myself, "I don't think I can go on like this much longer." I'm sick and tired of letting my insecurities control my emotional day-to-day life, and living in fear of even possibly just having a panic attack or mental breakdown at work when a little unexpected moment just happens to tick me off (not gonna lie; it's gotten close to that). In the heat of the moment- socially or whatever- I can get by fine, and even talk about my issues is a somewhat detached manner... but it's the unpredictable day-to-day happenstances that throw me off.

I would write more but my head hurts (another thing--semi-frequent headaches) and I need sleep. Another time. But yeah, I'm taking therapist recs or advice from anyone who has experience with this kind of thing, secular or Christian. Just putting it out there now so that I'm actually motivated to go through with this for once.

Till next time.