For lack of a more cohesive thought process and the sake of time, I'm just going to throw things on here that may or may not be related to each other but are relevant to whatever's been going on with me of late. Or perhaps "for years," as one of my friends has put it.
- Imposter syndrome. and simply being apathetic about the day-to-day process, and even on those days where I'm productive at work, wondering what's the point of it all. The things I actually feel like doing (like writing, as I am right now) are not financially productive enough for me to just give up whatever else I ought to be doing right now.
- That night Jade and I walked the streets of Manhattan and I picked out a set of husky earmuffs. To phrase it in terms not actually used in the conversation because I already forgot exactly what we said, questioning the narratives that have been placed in front of us because they conflict with the way we approach life-- just what are we really striving for? And the conundrum that comes knowing that we are able to experience these issues now because of our having already achieved in life what others have had to spent a lifetime to achieve, or in other words, because of our privilege.
- I'm sick of the phrase, "what does it mean to" + ________ + ?, even though it comes up in church all the time. Or just Christianese lingo in general. My therapist made a comment today about how he doesn't like using the word "sin" in a therapy context because it's such a loaded term that can mean different things depending on who you talk to, since not everyone has the same understanding of it, and I wholeheartedly agree.
- Oh, and therapy's been great. Just a little too short and too expensive for my liking given that I could probably talk about my problems all day and not for 50 minutes a session, and it's not an end-all kind of treatment like you might expect. But it's been nice to have someone who can provide insight and constructive feedback in an understanding and non-judgmental way.
- I think I've spent more money on clothes in the past couple of months than I did in the past few years. Lately I've been thinking about things (like fashion and dating) that I never really had much consideration for years ago. I feel like I've just been maturing really late or something in those respects.
- If societal pressure/expectations weren't an issue, I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. Not that I don't want a relationship, but I don't see a relationship as the end-all that other people apparently see it as. (And don't throw "man was not made to be alone" at me when Paul also advocates for celibacy in 1 Corinthians. Or for that matter, just don't throw out-of-context verses at me in general, when people have been debating on the proper meaning of these things for ages.)
Most of the time when I do something alone, the thought that sometimes goes through my mind is, "it would be nice if someone else were here," but NOT "it would be better if someone else were here." Having another person there introduces a whole other set of concerns and situations that are probably equal, but not necessarily better to me. Some of the happiest moments I experienced in the past year happened when I was alone, honestly, and I couldn't imagine another person appreciating those moments the same way I did... or at least, another person out of all the people I know currently, best friends included.
- People have asked me lately what I've been looking for in an SO. I honestly can't tell off-the-bat because I'm just not automatically attracted to most females I meet for the first time (cue conversation for another time, or feel free to ask me), and I have a much easier time discerning what I don't like than what I do like. But I guess one thing, in light of the conversations I've had lately: it would be nice to find someone who can keep up with an intellectual discussion and eventually formulate their own opinion about it, even if they don't know anything going in. (Yes, I like having fun, stupid conversations too, but I can have those any day of the week. The more interesting, thoughtful conversations-- those have been more rare for me lately.)
- On a semi-related note, the problem I have with the typical church-goer is that a lot of people are looking to be told how they should live, simply because the Bible or their pastor says so, rather than really reflecting on why that is so and whether they actually think it makes sense for themselves. If they can at least contemplate why someone outside the church would see things completely differently from it, and in a way that doesn't automatically see the other worldview as inferior, then that'd be a good place to start.
I will admit that I am easily prone to judging people who say things that come across as bigoted or lacking in understanding, though, when their real opinion might be more nuanced or thought-out than it appears to be. But regardless, I'm finding myself in this position where I'm finding being Christian to be more of a turn-off in a person than it is something to spark interest, or at least in the average case. But being antitheist/apatheist/lacking any interest in religion isn't necessarily better to me either. As I put it to one friend, I think I'd have more in common with someone who used to be Christian-then left-then came back (the coming back part being optional). At least, it shows (hopefully) that the person put some thought into it.
- I don't like the way my family sometimes treats Christianity almost like a ritualistic, superstitious activity in itself, which actually is kind of a Chinese approach to religion the more I think about it. Pray before traveling; pray before a big meal; pray with your eyes closed for that matter; go to church every Sunday; take communion and put money into the tithing basket and clap; make sure you're actually singing during worship and listening to the message; "what if you're not baptized before you die?" and little things like that.
This is not something I would've figured out or really understood until I left home, but when you limit the extent of your religious behavior to making sure you're doing everything "correctly," without consideration for what exactly it is that makes your behavior "good," you limit the speaking and transformative power of your faith (not in its full context, I know, but I'm referring to Matthew 5:16 -- "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." See also any of Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees). And you also reduce it to simply being a means for making yourself feel better about whatever lifestyle you're already living.
I think this is in part why a lot of youth get fed up with the religion of their parents and end up becoming either more fanatical/extremist or just leaving it altogether: because they expect that something as professedly life-transforming as a religion would actually reflect something genuinely better about its adherents' lives, and not just become another organized means of getting by in life or providing structure/purpose to it.
- Ironically, I still feel a compulsion to consult others for advice even though I profess being tired of being told by people what I should/shouldn't do (although I've technically been saying the latter since I was in elementary school; my family still makes fun of me for it). Or perhaps it should be: I'm tired of authority. I just want advice. And the right to not follow said advice without being ridiculed for it if I honestly think and feel differently about it.
- Wishing I could record the conversations I've been having in the past few months, because my memory's going and I haven't had much time to reflect on everything we've talked about.
- Paperman, Undertale, Hamilton, Michael Arden, and Beyonce's "Countdown" on repeat. I've also been getting back into hip hop again.
- The more I learn, the less certain I feel, the more fed up I am with people who expect me to have come to some decision or belief on things that are still hotly contested by tons of people today. The expectation to have had your life figured out by *insert arbitrary age of true adulthood here*:
18? didn't know shit.
21? still didn't know shit, or shit about life in the real world anyway.
25? ugh, I still felt like 22 was last year. and I still didn't know shit, though in part because I wanted to enjoy other things in life that I never got to fully appreciate before because school and other commitments but mainly school.
But really. Politics? Religious beliefs? Professional direction? Sexual and relational identity? Lifestyle?
All of these things take time and years of continuous experiences to have developed a substantially meaningful stance on, and, I feel like it's taken me years longer to figure these things out than familial/social expectations have dictated, let alone the fact that a good number of people around me seem to have already decided on these things at younger ages than I am now. The opinions that I already have right now are different from what I had a couple of years back even, and I expect them to likely continue to change as I grow older, with further experience. So pardon me if I come across as non-commital right now; I'm still figuring things out for myself. Hence, the therapy, among other things.
- I feel like this year is the year I move on from the day-to-day distractions to whatever it is I'm really looking for-- if only because I'm fed up with being stuck in every aspect of my life till now.
I still feel like disappearing from everything sometimes, if only because my mind can only take so much human interaction and feedback and distraction from all parts of life before it shuts down. It doesn't help that a lot of these voices have been conflicting, and I'm the type of person who tries to gauge all sources of input before I really commit to something (except for when I stop caring because I just want to get it over with. Stop bitching at me for my car choice man, I KNOW ALREADY.)
But first, time to breathe.
---
Apologies if I come across as frustrated right now. I'm just perpetually frustrated most of the time these days when I actually bother to think about it (I'm pretty sure I've been in a similar phase on this blog in the past, though this time it's the quarter-life crisis edition). If I don't respond well to feedback or criticism these days, I'm really sorry; it's just the phase I'm going through right now. But at least it helps that most people I talk to don't tend to push my buttons that way anyway. (Johny, you can keep trying, but I don't think you'll have much luck. :P)
And if I don't come across as frustrated in person, I'm probably doing a good job of distracting myself away from it. Friends make for good distractions (among other things), even when we're talking about the very things causing my frustration. I do a decent job of separating my emotions and feelings from the substance of my thoughts, or speaking in a detached manner that is.
Till next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment