Current status: I got a job offer last week. And it was exciting! But it was also nerve-wracking, waiting in a state of limbo for the entire week for them to finally contact me with the offer itself, several days later than originally intended. But I finally got the offer I wanted. And all was good.
Or well, that's what I'd like to say, anyway. To be honest, my emotions have been out of whack for a long while, so the times where I feel like I should be happy, I'm not... really. Or only briefly. Or at least, I don't feel as "excited" as other people seem to think I should be. But I'm not as stressed with anxiety of uncertainty about the future for sure.
But it's not the same as happiness. When all is said and done, a job is a job.
You know what made me happy today? Getting the comics I wanted because I got to the store today right when it opened. Followed by green milk tea with lychee jelly from Sharetea. Followed by getting some plans straight with friends I anticipate seeing in the week to come. Followed by getting lunch with Kuai.
Technically, I still was doing these things to an extent even before the offer came. But I guess what changed this time was that I didn't feel as guilty about pursuing the things that I wanted to pursue-- because I felt secure in my situation now. No more worrying about wasting time not doing enough to get myself back on track. I have time now.
But I recognize that happiness is fleeting, and you shouldn't be pursuing things just to make yourself feel happy. Especially when what makes you happy isn't necessarily what's "best" for you in the long-term... like making spontaneous decisions to buy things rather than budgeting for them ahead of time.
Lately, I've been trying to think about those times where I've been feeling dissatisfied of late, where I feel unhappy when all else seems to suggest otherwise. The little things that brought me into this pit I've been living in in the first place.
People seem to think that my depression was a result of my jobless situation, and that now that I have a job coming, and now that my career is progressing somewhere again, things are looking up. No reason to feel depressed anymore, right?
Wrong. Most of the factors contributing to my mental state existed while I was still employed, and none of the triggers I experienced in the past were job-related at all. It was only recently that my mental issues bled into my job situation.
But now that that's resolved for now, I still have a lot of other issues to deal with. It's more telling to me that even on the day that I got my offer, I had a moment of weakness later in the day after taking care of some logistical things and broke down crying in my car again before dinner. (Luckily, Ryan was able to cheer me up.)
Anyway, it's hard for me to just narrow down one thing right now, so I'll touch on a few things that come to mind:
- Had a conversation with Kuai a couple of weeks ago regarding my interpersonal issues with people. Realized that almost all of the problems I spoke about tended to stem from my perception of how other people see me, and how the mistakes I make might put that at risk even when in hindsight I shouldn't have any reason to worry in the first place. Almost everything we talked about wound up becoming about being self-centered to an extent.
I think the knowledge that so much of what I do in my relationships is really self-motivated makes me have a dim or pessimistic view of relationships in general. If I can't trust myself to be selfless or truly good to other people, how can I expect anyone else to do the same for me?
- Recognizing the limits of community in my own contexts. Some of the things that people try to say to me as way of reassurance come off as entirely alien to what I am actually experiencing, even if I know they mean well, and I don't know how to respond properly. As Michael framed it to me the other day: it often ends up feeling like my friends (or well, some of them at least) don't really know me at all.
Part of it is probably due to the fact that I haven't really let on all of the things I experience. I don't like to "burden" people, and I often feel like a lot of my true thoughts are just too dark or inappropriate to share (where do you draw the line?). I've also apparently been very good at being in denial about things pertaining to myself such that for some issues, it's taken years for me to really admit that I have a problem in the first place.
- Oh, boy, where do I start.
Disappointment in church. In family. In some friendships and the way things turned out (and wondering what I could've been done differently). In my upbringing. In our political system and this country. In humanity. In myself and how I let my situation stagnate for years on end.
Giving up on God answering the big questions that I have in my lifetime while at the same time wondering if I ever really gave him a chance in the first place.
Feeling like the entire life I've built up for myself is just one big construct just to pass the time "distracted" until I die.
Feeling like I can't fully trust anyone anymore and always expecting to be disappointed if I try to raise my expectations any higher than motivated self-interest.
Not trusting anyone in church or living existence to "speak" for God, let alone myself, and consequently not knowing where else to turn to.
Continually being disappointed in myself.
Being unable to maintain composure when wracked with the pressure of having to figure out how to function normally while my sleep schedule, mood swings, and mind are all over the place and consequently experiencing frequent debilitating migraine-level headaches.
Being fed up with some false conception of what society considers "normal" and how much I don't fit into that picture.
Wondering why I have to settle for what little time I get to share with some people, and why I can't selfishly want to take up more of their time.
Wondering if it's okay to simply be sick and tired of humanity in general.
- Current thoughts:
To be human is to know suffering. And joy. But more so suffering.
Even when I'm not happy about something, that doesn't mean I don't want to be happy. Emotions just aren't something you can force yourself to feel when the situation calls for it.
I wonder what I'll think five years from now.
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