Ambitious

I feel like I'm too ambitious for my own good-- not in the professional sense of the word, but more in terms of experiences and wanting to see things.

Take this past month:

- Chicago trip
- LA trip
- SFMOMA + Simon's party + board games in one day
- NYC trip including 2 Museums, 4 Broadway shows, buying 6 more books at the Strand, Sushi Nakazawa, and an Andrew
- catching up on 15 movies
- SF concerts immediately before and after NYC trip and another concert this past week
- Comedy festival in SF
- suddenly getting back into Pokemon Go and hunting down Mudkips at a park where I had to pay $6 to park
- Ryan visiting

And now I'm sick with a disease that mainly affects children (Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease... bleh), knowing nothing about how I got it. But it sucks. (cue Dr. Mom joke: "Maybe your body still thinks you're a child.")

Sicknesses aren't usually supposed to be that big of a deal, but something about this one has been really irking me lately.

Maybe it's because of this sore throat that still freaking hurts like hell after 5 days. I haven't had throat pain this bad since that killer flu I got from China three years ago-- although that time my head also hurt regardless of whether I was lying, sitting down, or standing, and I was sleeping so much that I got sick of sleeping.

Maybe it's because of this stupid rash I now have on my hands and feet (no mouth thankfully) that's been making it painful to walk cause it hurts almost like blisters. Ryan had a good laugh at my expense cause I was creeping around my own house in lieu of losing my ability to walk normally without cursing myself.

Maybe it's because of the anxiety in my mind that just seems to get worse when I'm sick. I have a tendency to magnify the worst of my feelings and emotions when I'm sick to the point where I can't tell if I'm just being extremely paranoid or seriously having illness complications.

Maybe it's because I wanted to do so much else this weekend and couldn't. And not so much doing, but even just being present, and feeling like I couldn't just be.

When the serious questions came and I couldn't answer them the way I wanted to, because I never got the chance to reflect in the past month... even though I've technically had plenty of time to myself by now.

If you look at my list of the past month, it looks like I've been really social, but in reality more than half of that list was done alone. And lately, I've been feeling a strong sense of isolation even when I'm around people, like nothing ever really clicks with them the way I want things to click. Let alone the isolation I already feel on a day-to-day basis.

"What do you want to do most today?" - I've pretty much structured my day-to-day life around this question already, and have found that at the end of the day, I still feel empty. All of those things I've done are great and all, and I'm glad I got to do them, but it's not enough to just do all the things you've been wanting to do in your life. There's more to living than that.

Because as my therapist put it, it's not about what I want-- it's about what I need.

And my own inability to answer that question honestly.