I don't mean to seem like I care about material things like a social status
I just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls
- Animal Collective, "My Girls"
This album is ridiculously awesome.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Finish Gabriel Knight
refinish Phoenix Wright 3
Kirby Superstar Ultra
Gaudy Night
Blue Velvet or some other movie
Paprika
Sword of the Stranger
Kara no Kyoukai
Mind Game
FMP
Kaiba
Kino's Journey
Legend of the Galactic Heroes
Welcome to the NHK
-
Samurai Champloo
Black Lagoon
Eureka 7
Xam'd
ef
ouran
Noein
-
Last Exile
Ergo Proxy
Earthbound
Ben Jordan 1-7
Seiken Densetsu 3
Tales of the Abyss
Secret of Monkey Island
Accomplished:
Picture of Dorian Gray
Fight Club
Rebecca
Valkyrie
Chrono Trigger DS
Mirai Nikki
Banquet of the Golden Witch
Red vs. Blue
Partially Accomplished:
Heaven's Feel
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Replay of Phoenix Wright 3
Kirby Super Star Ultra
Gaudy Night
refinish Phoenix Wright 3
Kirby Superstar Ultra
Gaudy Night
Blue Velvet or some other movie
Paprika
Sword of the Stranger
Kara no Kyoukai
Mind Game
FMP
Kaiba
Kino's Journey
Legend of the Galactic Heroes
Welcome to the NHK
-
Samurai Champloo
Black Lagoon
Eureka 7
Xam'd
ef
ouran
Noein
-
Last Exile
Ergo Proxy
Earthbound
Ben Jordan 1-7
Seiken Densetsu 3
Tales of the Abyss
Secret of Monkey Island
Accomplished:
Picture of Dorian Gray
Fight Club
Rebecca
Valkyrie
Chrono Trigger DS
Mirai Nikki
Banquet of the Golden Witch
Red vs. Blue
Partially Accomplished:
Heaven's Feel
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Replay of Phoenix Wright 3
Kirby Super Star Ultra
Gaudy Night
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Somethingsomethings_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g
1. I cried once in 7th grade because a girl said "You make me sick" to me after I got the highest grade on the history test in my class. Which was a B+.
2. I used to hit people with my books to shut them up. Except there was this one girl in 7th grade who wouldn't stop laughing no matter how many times I hit her in the head with my blue book. WHY. WOULDN'T. SHE. STOP. LAUGHING.
3. I went through a traumatic experience in 6th grade that repeated itself in 10th grade by sitting in front of someone who liked to poke me from behind with a pen for fun. IT HURT LIKE HELL.
4. My favorite type of candy was M&M's until I discovered Sour Patch Kids. And somehow operant conditioned myself to desire Sour Patch Kids whenever I play Team Fortress 2 (which is rarely ever...).
5. The first character(s) I ever recall using in Super Smash Bros. Melee consistently was the Ice Climbers, back when the game first came out in '01. Back then, though, all I ever did was spam their spinning attack because it was fun to do that... and I never really figured out how the game actually worked until somewhere along the transition between high school and Berkeley, so I'd keep getting last place whenever I played with my friends anyway. So I stopped playing Melee after a while and forgot it for some time in high school.
Ironically, after coming back to the game and having gone through a bunch of characters over the past year, I've just now rediscovered my love for those climbers. :P
6. I didn't start listening to music seriously until sophomore year of high school (when I discovered Broken Social Scene off a topic at gameFAQS >_>). Before then, the most exposure I'd really had to listening to music was the stuff I'd deal with in piano and my middle school friends' obsession with Linkin' Park.
My favorite musical piece from that time period was the Trout Quartet? Quintet?, which my piano teacher used to play for me from her CDs sometimes when I had free time waiting for my parents to pick me up. It's one of the few good memories I have of piano...
2. I used to hit people with my books to shut them up. Except there was this one girl in 7th grade who wouldn't stop laughing no matter how many times I hit her in the head with my blue book. WHY. WOULDN'T. SHE. STOP. LAUGHING.
3. I went through a traumatic experience in 6th grade that repeated itself in 10th grade by sitting in front of someone who liked to poke me from behind with a pen for fun. IT HURT LIKE HELL.
4. My favorite type of candy was M&M's until I discovered Sour Patch Kids. And somehow operant conditioned myself to desire Sour Patch Kids whenever I play Team Fortress 2 (which is rarely ever...).
5. The first character(s) I ever recall using in Super Smash Bros. Melee consistently was the Ice Climbers, back when the game first came out in '01. Back then, though, all I ever did was spam their spinning attack because it was fun to do that... and I never really figured out how the game actually worked until somewhere along the transition between high school and Berkeley, so I'd keep getting last place whenever I played with my friends anyway. So I stopped playing Melee after a while and forgot it for some time in high school.
Ironically, after coming back to the game and having gone through a bunch of characters over the past year, I've just now rediscovered my love for those climbers. :P
6. I didn't start listening to music seriously until sophomore year of high school (when I discovered Broken Social Scene off a topic at gameFAQS >_>). Before then, the most exposure I'd really had to listening to music was the stuff I'd deal with in piano and my middle school friends' obsession with Linkin' Park.
My favorite musical piece from that time period was the Trout Quartet? Quintet?, which my piano teacher used to play for me from her CDs sometimes when I had free time waiting for my parents to pick me up. It's one of the few good memories I have of piano...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Teh Continued
So the first 13 is mostly serious stuff, yada yada yada... well now that I'm over with that (bar for a couple of things that'll probably come up later), on to the random stuff !
First, some pet peeves, in no particular order:
a. People who excessively use ellipses when it doesn't match their personality. I don't mind ellipses if they accurately convey your thought process while typing (see Jade and Mike Sudolsky... or at least I can see them thinking that way), but having an ellipsis after every single freaking sentence is another thing altogether if it doesn't sound like you at all. I suppose I'm being discriminatory against those people who do think in ellipses after every sentence, but I'll spare them the hate when I actually get to know them first.
b. People who don't use turn signals when changing lanes. If you're going to cut me off, please give me some warning first so I don't accidentally crash into you.
c. People who don't wash their hands after using the toilet. I'll admit, when I was little (see elementary school), I didn't wash my hands after going to the bathroom either because no one else did, but that was elementary school. The side effects of not washing your hands (see filthy restroom doorknobs) tend to stand out a bit more when you're older and actually have to worry about your health for once.
d. People who don't consider the other side's opinions. This is kinda specific, but it refers mainly to debates (I forgot to clarify that I hate conflict that somehow results in people getting hurt physically/emotionally or results in insult standoffs, but friendly debates are fun... emphasis on friendly). Arguments fueled by biases never really get anywhere; they tend to ruin the fun I get out of them.
e. Dreamcrushers (aka people who tell you that you'll never amount to anything). No explanation needed.
f. lol. When I use lol it typically means I'm bored/disinterested at the moment, which technically means I'm insulting you because I think you're boring. So I try not to use it. On the other hand, I get annoyed when I see other people use lol because I read it like I'm the one saying lol, which means I'm calling myself boring... uh yeah. Typically when I write "haha" on the other hand, I actually am saying it (or actually am laughing/smirking to myself). I've caught myself doing it almost every time.
There's more but these kinda stood out to me at the moment.
Now for some actual facts!
1. My sleeping patterns have been out of whack for quite a while. At Berkeley I usually go to sleep between 3-5 AM, every so often 6 AM only to wake up at 7 and one time I didn't sleep till 6 PM the next day. Luckily I've been getting better at home, but even then I still sleep at 3 or 4 sometimes. Which doesn't help much considering it's impossible for me to effectively sleep-in cause the sun's always shining at my face through my blinds at 8 every morning.
2. I have an obsession with storytelling and stories in general: their plot, how they are told, elements of the plot (exposition, backstory, progression, twists, etc.) and whatnot. Stories should have characters that you can relate to in some way (as a human), because that's where the emotional investment comes from. And contrary to what some may think, having a backstory does not equal character development - we need to see what the characters in the story are doing NOW (with backstory provided as necessary to help put current actions into context); otherwise the plot itself is dead. Oh, and I LOVE MYSTERIES. Mysteries with likeable characters and some sort of plot development are a plus.
And I really like the sound novel series I've been reading (Umineko) even though everyone basically dies each episode - partly because part of the mystery is wondering whether or not there will be a happy ending in the end, (and so figuring out how it'll get there..) and because the serial format lets you learn things about the characters that you couldn't learn the first time around... partly because they died so early on last time. And it's interesting trying to figure out the parallels between each individual locked room case and see if the similarities between them point out some pattern - a hint to who the real villain is. Which contrary to what the premise might suggest, isn't the witch on the cover.
3. I <3 books - or should I say fiction. Take me to a bookstore and I'll feel obligated to buy at least one, if not ten, novels. The only problem is that I take forever to get through the books I have (partly because I have trouble committing to the same task at any one time for a long period of time), so I tend to read one book for every five that I buy.
4. I have a notion of high and low quality in most things. As in, I believe in such things as high and low quality entertainment, high vs. low quality music (or should I say, good and bad music), etc - and these are usually defined by certain aspects such as skill, workmanship, or other complicated things you can find in any criticism of the genres containing these. At the same time, the quality of a product does not equate to how much an individual person will actually enjoy that product because of how different people are - and I think it is possible to derive enjoyment out of anything if you know what you're looking for. So even though I think Heroes sucked the last couple of seasons, I still had fun watching it just to see what would happen next.
5. I like reading about games just as much as I like playing them. To be honest, I'm not really so big on gameplay - mainly because I tend to suck at it (the more actiony ones anyway) and I can't really do an FPS for too long cause I'll get bored of it after a couple of hours and not feel like playing it for a month. Smash Bros is probably one of the few actiony games that I don't mind playing for hours (I don't really know why), but even that has been starting to bore me lately. If the game can motivate me with a good story though (or at least a story that can suck me in at some point, doesn't have to necessarily be a good one), then I won't mind playing for hours and hours on end - see RPGS and adventure games, or the ones that do focus significantly on story, even if the gameplay isn't that great... so long as it isn't horrendous.
On that note though, good gamemaking really should focus more on gameplay than story. It's just better that way.
6. If you want to get me a cheap present, buy me paper towels. Specifically the kind that can be folded/torn in half in addition to regular size. It'll make me happy.
7. I dislike poking (see long history that goes back to middle school). You poke me, I may or may not retaliate depending on how well I can control myself. Well at least I've moved on from whacking people with my lunchpail.
8. Apparently I don't sound enthusiastic online because I don't always use exclamation points. Well uh, I usually am enthusiastic; if I'm not I tend to use periods more.
9. As Jason put it, I like being sanitary but am not really organized, while he likes being organized but is not really sanitary. I dunno; I don't mind there being a mess so long as I'm not getting sick from it.
10. Speaking of which, I seem to get sick very easily. There was that one time two semesters ago where I was sick for a month. Not pretty.
11. My quiet times are when I'm doing menial tasks that require little thought (or somehow turn out that way for me). So - driving, washing dishes, vacuuming, the like... I tend to get lost in my own thoughts and go into auto-pilot mode when I'm doing them, (almost like a meditative state?) , and so hence take longer than most people would to do them because I'm in that mode.
12. I am big on making lists of things (such as entertainment) to do and never actually getting to doing them. I have a book list, a movie list, a music list, a manga list, an anime list, a musical list, etc... I also like making lists of favorite things that change every season.
13. I like reading debates, though maybe not so much being involved in one myself because I'm not good at responding under pressure. I prefer even debates; one-sided debates tend to be either rather hilarious (because one side looks ridiculous) or rather boring. A lot of times though, I see online debates escalate into personal attacks on each other and whatnot - which is just a copout on the issue and really takes the fun out of it.
14. A lot of my opinions are actually derived from other people (I'm not really an "original" thinker) - or at least in the sense that I pick out an opinion that I particularly resonate with for some reason and mold it to my liking. I take recommendations from people and see how they fit with what I already have found myself to like, and see what happens from there... so I like to say that I'm open to things, but I'm more selectively open if anything. And I tend to be influenced by critic's opinions if I think they know what they're talking about. They usually should have at least a decent argument for saying the things that they do.
15. Academically speaking, I find almost everything interesting. Math, Bio, Chem, Physics, Psych, Cog Sci, History, English, Comp Lit, Econ, Comp Sci, El Eng, Anthro, Public Health, Philosophy... what the hell they're all good in their own right. I suppose I'm more technically minded, but take the humanities out and I'll suffer from withdrawals the rest of my life.
16. Apparently I'm a light sleeper, or according to Nick I am, because I have this tendency to wake up at the slightest noise, acknowledge something, and then fall back asleep again. Only, I have no recollection of this myself.
17. I tend to have crazy, nonsensical dreams that when I do remember them are remembered rather vividly. I remember the dreams I have from naps better than the ones I get from actual sleep, which is sad because I don't have dreams very often when napping.
18. I like narratives that put you through the perspectives of other people, because other people are awesome. Faulkner is awesome.
19. Schedule planning. I have the class numbers of a bunch of classes I'll probably never take memorized.
20. I am a lot like my roommate in ways I refuse to list.
First, some pet peeves, in no particular order:
a. People who excessively use ellipses when it doesn't match their personality. I don't mind ellipses if they accurately convey your thought process while typing (see Jade and Mike Sudolsky... or at least I can see them thinking that way), but having an ellipsis after every single freaking sentence is another thing altogether if it doesn't sound like you at all. I suppose I'm being discriminatory against those people who do think in ellipses after every sentence, but I'll spare them the hate when I actually get to know them first.
b. People who don't use turn signals when changing lanes. If you're going to cut me off, please give me some warning first so I don't accidentally crash into you.
c. People who don't wash their hands after using the toilet. I'll admit, when I was little (see elementary school), I didn't wash my hands after going to the bathroom either because no one else did, but that was elementary school. The side effects of not washing your hands (see filthy restroom doorknobs) tend to stand out a bit more when you're older and actually have to worry about your health for once.
d. People who don't consider the other side's opinions. This is kinda specific, but it refers mainly to debates (I forgot to clarify that I hate conflict that somehow results in people getting hurt physically/emotionally or results in insult standoffs, but friendly debates are fun... emphasis on friendly). Arguments fueled by biases never really get anywhere; they tend to ruin the fun I get out of them.
e. Dreamcrushers (aka people who tell you that you'll never amount to anything). No explanation needed.
f. lol. When I use lol it typically means I'm bored/disinterested at the moment, which technically means I'm insulting you because I think you're boring. So I try not to use it. On the other hand, I get annoyed when I see other people use lol because I read it like I'm the one saying lol, which means I'm calling myself boring... uh yeah. Typically when I write "haha" on the other hand, I actually am saying it (or actually am laughing/smirking to myself). I've caught myself doing it almost every time.
There's more but these kinda stood out to me at the moment.
Now for some actual facts!
1. My sleeping patterns have been out of whack for quite a while. At Berkeley I usually go to sleep between 3-5 AM, every so often 6 AM only to wake up at 7 and one time I didn't sleep till 6 PM the next day. Luckily I've been getting better at home, but even then I still sleep at 3 or 4 sometimes. Which doesn't help much considering it's impossible for me to effectively sleep-in cause the sun's always shining at my face through my blinds at 8 every morning.
2. I have an obsession with storytelling and stories in general: their plot, how they are told, elements of the plot (exposition, backstory, progression, twists, etc.) and whatnot. Stories should have characters that you can relate to in some way (as a human), because that's where the emotional investment comes from. And contrary to what some may think, having a backstory does not equal character development - we need to see what the characters in the story are doing NOW (with backstory provided as necessary to help put current actions into context); otherwise the plot itself is dead. Oh, and I LOVE MYSTERIES. Mysteries with likeable characters and some sort of plot development are a plus.
And I really like the sound novel series I've been reading (Umineko) even though everyone basically dies each episode - partly because part of the mystery is wondering whether or not there will be a happy ending in the end, (and so figuring out how it'll get there..) and because the serial format lets you learn things about the characters that you couldn't learn the first time around... partly because they died so early on last time. And it's interesting trying to figure out the parallels between each individual locked room case and see if the similarities between them point out some pattern - a hint to who the real villain is. Which contrary to what the premise might suggest, isn't the witch on the cover.
3. I <3 books - or should I say fiction. Take me to a bookstore and I'll feel obligated to buy at least one, if not ten, novels. The only problem is that I take forever to get through the books I have (partly because I have trouble committing to the same task at any one time for a long period of time), so I tend to read one book for every five that I buy.
4. I have a notion of high and low quality in most things. As in, I believe in such things as high and low quality entertainment, high vs. low quality music (or should I say, good and bad music), etc - and these are usually defined by certain aspects such as skill, workmanship, or other complicated things you can find in any criticism of the genres containing these. At the same time, the quality of a product does not equate to how much an individual person will actually enjoy that product because of how different people are - and I think it is possible to derive enjoyment out of anything if you know what you're looking for. So even though I think Heroes sucked the last couple of seasons, I still had fun watching it just to see what would happen next.
5. I like reading about games just as much as I like playing them. To be honest, I'm not really so big on gameplay - mainly because I tend to suck at it (the more actiony ones anyway) and I can't really do an FPS for too long cause I'll get bored of it after a couple of hours and not feel like playing it for a month. Smash Bros is probably one of the few actiony games that I don't mind playing for hours (I don't really know why), but even that has been starting to bore me lately. If the game can motivate me with a good story though (or at least a story that can suck me in at some point, doesn't have to necessarily be a good one), then I won't mind playing for hours and hours on end - see RPGS and adventure games, or the ones that do focus significantly on story, even if the gameplay isn't that great... so long as it isn't horrendous.
On that note though, good gamemaking really should focus more on gameplay than story. It's just better that way.
6. If you want to get me a cheap present, buy me paper towels. Specifically the kind that can be folded/torn in half in addition to regular size. It'll make me happy.
7. I dislike poking (see long history that goes back to middle school). You poke me, I may or may not retaliate depending on how well I can control myself. Well at least I've moved on from whacking people with my lunchpail.
8. Apparently I don't sound enthusiastic online because I don't always use exclamation points. Well uh, I usually am enthusiastic; if I'm not I tend to use periods more.
9. As Jason put it, I like being sanitary but am not really organized, while he likes being organized but is not really sanitary. I dunno; I don't mind there being a mess so long as I'm not getting sick from it.
10. Speaking of which, I seem to get sick very easily. There was that one time two semesters ago where I was sick for a month. Not pretty.
11. My quiet times are when I'm doing menial tasks that require little thought (or somehow turn out that way for me). So - driving, washing dishes, vacuuming, the like... I tend to get lost in my own thoughts and go into auto-pilot mode when I'm doing them, (almost like a meditative state?) , and so hence take longer than most people would to do them because I'm in that mode.
12. I am big on making lists of things (such as entertainment) to do and never actually getting to doing them. I have a book list, a movie list, a music list, a manga list, an anime list, a musical list, etc... I also like making lists of favorite things that change every season.
13. I like reading debates, though maybe not so much being involved in one myself because I'm not good at responding under pressure. I prefer even debates; one-sided debates tend to be either rather hilarious (because one side looks ridiculous) or rather boring. A lot of times though, I see online debates escalate into personal attacks on each other and whatnot - which is just a copout on the issue and really takes the fun out of it.
14. A lot of my opinions are actually derived from other people (I'm not really an "original" thinker) - or at least in the sense that I pick out an opinion that I particularly resonate with for some reason and mold it to my liking. I take recommendations from people and see how they fit with what I already have found myself to like, and see what happens from there... so I like to say that I'm open to things, but I'm more selectively open if anything. And I tend to be influenced by critic's opinions if I think they know what they're talking about. They usually should have at least a decent argument for saying the things that they do.
15. Academically speaking, I find almost everything interesting. Math, Bio, Chem, Physics, Psych, Cog Sci, History, English, Comp Lit, Econ, Comp Sci, El Eng, Anthro, Public Health, Philosophy... what the hell they're all good in their own right. I suppose I'm more technically minded, but take the humanities out and I'll suffer from withdrawals the rest of my life.
16. Apparently I'm a light sleeper, or according to Nick I am, because I have this tendency to wake up at the slightest noise, acknowledge something, and then fall back asleep again. Only, I have no recollection of this myself.
17. I tend to have crazy, nonsensical dreams that when I do remember them are remembered rather vividly. I remember the dreams I have from naps better than the ones I get from actual sleep, which is sad because I don't have dreams very often when napping.
18. I like narratives that put you through the perspectives of other people, because other people are awesome. Faulkner is awesome.
19. Schedule planning. I have the class numbers of a bunch of classes I'll probably never take memorized.
20. I am a lot like my roommate in ways I refuse to list.
hi.
So I was feeling self-contemplative tonight, partly in lieu of the ongoing "list 16 things about yourself" craze going around facebook, but I don't feel like publicizing this in a note or anything so I'm writing here instead. And this will likely go over 16 at the rate that I'm thinking.
This is how I currently perceive myself at this moment in time. And so hence may not necessarily be accurate from the point of view of other people. And to top it off, a list of serious resolutions I have randomly interspersed in there.
1. I am an introvert by nature. Apparently when I was little (at least at family gatherings) I used to be loud and talked a lot, but nowadays I tend to be reserved and keep to myself. Which pretty much means all the time with strangers, most of the time with acquaintances, and still a good part of the time with my regular friends. I mean, I still try to talk, but every so often I'll either conciously or not move into a quiet state, either being absorbed into my own little world (which consists of my mind and my laptop) or being an observer of other people... talking and whatnot.
Resolution 1: Well, to be honest, I like being an introvert, but I do want to be more involved in the world that exists outside my bubble. Which means, be off of my laptop more often. I find that whenever I'm on my laptop, I don't really associate well with people... or I tend to be more antisocial in general. And I really did spend a lot of my time on it the last three semesters... I feel like if I weren't so sucked into it, I'd be more active outside and doing things for once. Least, I hope I would.
2. I have a particular sense of pride that I don't usually like to admit exists regarding how other people perceive me... which I think it is possible to pick up from the way I act. In other words, I don't like to embarrass myself in front of other people (this usually happens unintentionally and more readily/easily in front of my friends), and I don't like to admit that I'm not good at something. Typically the rule is, if doing something tarnishes my image (or how I perceive my image, anyway) in some way... I will try to avoid it at all costs, unless it is impossible to do so for personal/being realistic reasons. And with that said, this leads to...
3. I am a quitter. Or at least in the sense that, if it takes a certain amount of effort for me to do, I lean towards giving up or taking the easy way out. I don't like exerting a large amount of effort on tasks (I suppose I'm just lazy at heart), and a lot of times I find that I take more effort (and time for that matter) than most people to become proficient at something (see: sports, games, the like). Maybe it's because I tend to overthink things in general, maybe I'm just not a natural at these things that I sometimes wish I were good at, but regardless, if it's going to take effort or time to do and it's not necessary for me to live, then I probably won't do it. Part of it is me not wanting to expose myself to the possibility that if I actually tried to get better at something, I may just have to admit that I'm not good at it. Which leads to...
4. I don't like admitting that I can't do something. I take pride in being able to (one day) be good at something - at least given any amount of time and effort. The same applies to how I feel about other people: meaning that, I hate seeing pessimism in other people, and dream crushers piss me off.
5. While we're on the topic of hate, I HOLD GRUDGES. That's to say, I won't necessarily hate the person that's the cause of the grudge, but I may feel some lingering sense of bitterness towards them sometimes. I know, I know, I should learn to forget and continue on with my life... well I can manage continuing on so long as the topic doesn't come up again. I do feel upset sometimes because I'll notice (if the said person and I are still friends) that I'll occasionally feel or act differently towards that person because I still remember some previous old blahblahblah that happened between us... It sucks cause I don't forget things that easily if it had a significant impact on my life at one point. The guys back in middle school who made fun of me cause I sucked at sports... other things I don't feel like mentioning... in the long run, the people I hold grudges towards don't deserve the shit feelings I have about them. I try to act like I don't remember anything, but sometimes I wish I really did forget.
6. I like being amiable with people. I hate conflict, between me and another person or between two or more people I know... sometimes I wish everyone could just go back to being happy together again, but I realize things don't always work out that way. People's personalities will naturally clash... and it just bugs me to no end. Can't we all just be neutral, you know?
7. I have difficulty committing to tasks over a long period of time. I find that my attention span wanders a lot and I am very easily distracted by little things. Which sucks because there are a lot of things I want to do, but half the time I find myself starting them and never finishing them because I somehow wound up on something else... and don't really feel like getting back to that task anytime soon.
8. I find other people interesting by nature. Going back to myself as an observer, I like seeing how people interact, the results of that interaction, etc. I don't mind not being involved in the conversation because... well I'm used to watching other people without my influence. It comes packaged with my contemplativeness. It's not like I view other people as subjects of an experiment or anything... I just find ourselves fascinating.
9. I am nosy. Because I like people, I naturally have to know everything about them: who they are, where they come from, where they've been, what they've done, how they got there, what they had to do to get from where they were to where they are now... yes, Nathan can attest to this. I realize it "doesn't concern me" and all, but eh, I have trouble controlling myself sometimes. I feel almost automated to want to know things. Although I have no problem with not knowing something if it isn't wanted to be known (well, after some convincing anyway), so feel free to tell me that it'd rather be private. I apologize for being so nosy. :/
10. How I talk to someone reflects what feelings I'm sensing from the person at that moment. If I for some reason think that the other party isn't interested, I back off. Which I tend to do oh too often, and because of that I feel like I come across as uncaring sometimes. Oh heck, maybe I really don't care that much... I sometimes wish I were more earnest about things. If you let me talk, I will talk... so long as it feels comfortable to do so. I kinda wish I could talk about anything and everything with everyone I know... without it becoming awkward.
11. I hate having awkward moments, despite the fact that they happen all the time. I have no problem trying to make light of an awkward moment, but usually the other party isn't reciprocal of it, so I feel like I'm making myself look stupid... I dunno.
12. I don't like starting conversations with people, but I like responding back. Sometimes my responses sound disinterested (I get the "you don't sound enthusiastic" sometimes), but honestly, I really am. If I weren't interested I wouldn't be talking in the first place, dammit. I don't like starting conversations though because a lot of the time I feel like I'm intruding on someone... so me talking to myself would end up in a stalemate.
13. There are a number of people I wish I could get to know better. You know, feel like I could talk to them about anything with, be able to hang out with without it being awkward, just see more often, you know? Unfortunately, my tendency to back off from other people who don't sound interested (least to me) really gets in the way here, and I often don't really know how to talk to them anyway. I've tried before... I just have trouble accepting the fact that I can't really be that kind of a friend to everyone. And I don't feel like I'm as earnest as someone like say, Olivia. Like, I want to care... but sometimes I don't convey that I care enough. And sometimes I wonder whether I really do care that much.
This is how I currently perceive myself at this moment in time. And so hence may not necessarily be accurate from the point of view of other people. And to top it off, a list of serious resolutions I have randomly interspersed in there.
1. I am an introvert by nature. Apparently when I was little (at least at family gatherings) I used to be loud and talked a lot, but nowadays I tend to be reserved and keep to myself. Which pretty much means all the time with strangers, most of the time with acquaintances, and still a good part of the time with my regular friends. I mean, I still try to talk, but every so often I'll either conciously or not move into a quiet state, either being absorbed into my own little world (which consists of my mind and my laptop) or being an observer of other people... talking and whatnot.
Resolution 1: Well, to be honest, I like being an introvert, but I do want to be more involved in the world that exists outside my bubble. Which means, be off of my laptop more often. I find that whenever I'm on my laptop, I don't really associate well with people... or I tend to be more antisocial in general. And I really did spend a lot of my time on it the last three semesters... I feel like if I weren't so sucked into it, I'd be more active outside and doing things for once. Least, I hope I would.
2. I have a particular sense of pride that I don't usually like to admit exists regarding how other people perceive me... which I think it is possible to pick up from the way I act. In other words, I don't like to embarrass myself in front of other people (this usually happens unintentionally and more readily/easily in front of my friends), and I don't like to admit that I'm not good at something. Typically the rule is, if doing something tarnishes my image (or how I perceive my image, anyway) in some way... I will try to avoid it at all costs, unless it is impossible to do so for personal/being realistic reasons. And with that said, this leads to...
3. I am a quitter. Or at least in the sense that, if it takes a certain amount of effort for me to do, I lean towards giving up or taking the easy way out. I don't like exerting a large amount of effort on tasks (I suppose I'm just lazy at heart), and a lot of times I find that I take more effort (and time for that matter) than most people to become proficient at something (see: sports, games, the like). Maybe it's because I tend to overthink things in general, maybe I'm just not a natural at these things that I sometimes wish I were good at, but regardless, if it's going to take effort or time to do and it's not necessary for me to live, then I probably won't do it. Part of it is me not wanting to expose myself to the possibility that if I actually tried to get better at something, I may just have to admit that I'm not good at it. Which leads to...
4. I don't like admitting that I can't do something. I take pride in being able to (one day) be good at something - at least given any amount of time and effort. The same applies to how I feel about other people: meaning that, I hate seeing pessimism in other people, and dream crushers piss me off.
5. While we're on the topic of hate, I HOLD GRUDGES. That's to say, I won't necessarily hate the person that's the cause of the grudge, but I may feel some lingering sense of bitterness towards them sometimes. I know, I know, I should learn to forget and continue on with my life... well I can manage continuing on so long as the topic doesn't come up again. I do feel upset sometimes because I'll notice (if the said person and I are still friends) that I'll occasionally feel or act differently towards that person because I still remember some previous old blahblahblah that happened between us... It sucks cause I don't forget things that easily if it had a significant impact on my life at one point. The guys back in middle school who made fun of me cause I sucked at sports... other things I don't feel like mentioning... in the long run, the people I hold grudges towards don't deserve the shit feelings I have about them. I try to act like I don't remember anything, but sometimes I wish I really did forget.
6. I like being amiable with people. I hate conflict, between me and another person or between two or more people I know... sometimes I wish everyone could just go back to being happy together again, but I realize things don't always work out that way. People's personalities will naturally clash... and it just bugs me to no end. Can't we all just be neutral, you know?
7. I have difficulty committing to tasks over a long period of time. I find that my attention span wanders a lot and I am very easily distracted by little things. Which sucks because there are a lot of things I want to do, but half the time I find myself starting them and never finishing them because I somehow wound up on something else... and don't really feel like getting back to that task anytime soon.
8. I find other people interesting by nature. Going back to myself as an observer, I like seeing how people interact, the results of that interaction, etc. I don't mind not being involved in the conversation because... well I'm used to watching other people without my influence. It comes packaged with my contemplativeness. It's not like I view other people as subjects of an experiment or anything... I just find ourselves fascinating.
9. I am nosy. Because I like people, I naturally have to know everything about them: who they are, where they come from, where they've been, what they've done, how they got there, what they had to do to get from where they were to where they are now... yes, Nathan can attest to this. I realize it "doesn't concern me" and all, but eh, I have trouble controlling myself sometimes. I feel almost automated to want to know things. Although I have no problem with not knowing something if it isn't wanted to be known (well, after some convincing anyway), so feel free to tell me that it'd rather be private. I apologize for being so nosy. :/
10. How I talk to someone reflects what feelings I'm sensing from the person at that moment. If I for some reason think that the other party isn't interested, I back off. Which I tend to do oh too often, and because of that I feel like I come across as uncaring sometimes. Oh heck, maybe I really don't care that much... I sometimes wish I were more earnest about things. If you let me talk, I will talk... so long as it feels comfortable to do so. I kinda wish I could talk about anything and everything with everyone I know... without it becoming awkward.
11. I hate having awkward moments, despite the fact that they happen all the time. I have no problem trying to make light of an awkward moment, but usually the other party isn't reciprocal of it, so I feel like I'm making myself look stupid... I dunno.
12. I don't like starting conversations with people, but I like responding back. Sometimes my responses sound disinterested (I get the "you don't sound enthusiastic" sometimes), but honestly, I really am. If I weren't interested I wouldn't be talking in the first place, dammit. I don't like starting conversations though because a lot of the time I feel like I'm intruding on someone... so me talking to myself would end up in a stalemate.
13. There are a number of people I wish I could get to know better. You know, feel like I could talk to them about anything with, be able to hang out with without it being awkward, just see more often, you know? Unfortunately, my tendency to back off from other people who don't sound interested (least to me) really gets in the way here, and I often don't really know how to talk to them anyway. I've tried before... I just have trouble accepting the fact that I can't really be that kind of a friend to everyone. And I don't feel like I'm as earnest as someone like say, Olivia. Like, I want to care... but sometimes I don't convey that I care enough. And sometimes I wonder whether I really do care that much.
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