There are a number of things I would like to say but I get the feeling I that don't really want to say them here.
So I got the midterm back. Guess I can say that I deserved what I got, but I still hate myself for it. Whichever. I'll make sure I actually practice an indefinite amount over the next few weeks for the next one.
New goal: sleep before midnight on Monday and Wednesday, because I do not want to end up in the state that I was during CS lab yesterday again. That was ridiculous.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
I resolve from this day forward to ban myself from worries about scheduling, classes, etc. (meaning not just the catalog) until Tele-bears starts. Because if I keep up what's been happening lately, I am going to fail this semester. Badly.
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
I resolve from this day forward to ban myself from worries about scheduling, classes, etc. (meaning not just the catalog) until Tele-bears starts. Because if I keep up what's been happening lately, I am going to fail this semester. Badly.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I also wanted to say that I realize that not once have I ever mentioned God on a blog before. Although I may have referenced him in one particular entry back on livejournal... I rarely ever mention God here, if ever.
To be honest, I haven't actively thought about him (Him, whichever... He gets the point) that much in my life when you consider how long I've been living. Yes, I have had moments where I have felt very... moved by him in some way. But even just thinking about today, God wasn't really in my thoughts that much today. I realize that I haven't been making that large of a commitment to keeping him first in my life, even though I'm entirely indebted to him for what he did. and will do. But I do want to change that though. I've been wanting to change that about myself for the longest time now... ever since middle school. But it's taken me this long to get to it... because I've just been lazy or too caught up in my own life.
I remember back when high school was first starting, I made my New Year's Resolution (or later should I say weekly resolution) to someday finally get baptized. To fully commit to God like I said I would when I first made that prayer in middle school. And I would keep telling myself this every week, and pray every night about it... and then I started forgetting. I knew in the back of my head that I was drifting away, but I didn't do anything about it. I started seeing things in high school in a different light, feeling more critical about how a lot of Christians don't see or refuse to see things in the same light non-Christians do. I mean that in the sense that they refuse to empathize with them. They judge people for being gay, atheist, not living up the standard of Jesus. I realize this in itself is a really general statement, but it has happened and will continue to happen. But anyway, this bugged me a lot... since I had come from a conservative environment where some of these things had been ingrained into my head. Or I had seen it expressed by my teachers and peers. And that isn't the way I think things should work, if God really loves everyone. So I started drifting away from God for basically all of high school. I still attended church every so often and would be momentarily moved sometimes, but I didn't go to youth group at all (which was one of my favorite things about middle school), and I didn't read the Bible much from what I can recall. I even laughed sometimes at the apparent ridiculousness of some of the things present in organized religion.
Then I came to Berkeley, and I did not expect to get involved with religion in any way, or at least for a while. I didn't go to church for maybe 3 months, didn't have a Bible available like I did at home, didn't really express a Christian sentiment of anything other than occassionally telling people that I was Christian or came from that background. but God certainly wasn't on my mind at the time.
And then I finally met Jason. Not in the literal sense; I'd known Jason for maybe a couple of months. But I started seeing Jason for the kind of person he was when he was alone, in our room, reading his Bible intensely or praying or committing himself to those things that I had distanced myself from for the past 4 years. I remember when he first added me on facebook and I saw that he had a Bible verses application and everything... I almost was concerned that I might be rooming with some "religious fanatic" or something like that. But when I finally met him, I came to respect him for what he did... because not many people that I knew could make the kind of devotion or commitment that he did.
Around this time, I started going to church with Ryan, Olivia, Melissa, and Eric, as seeing Jason gone every Sunday started making me think about at least doing that as well. Although God wasn't really on my mind at this point as much as I was thinking about the obligation I felt to go if I were to still call myself a Christian. So I went, and it was not bad. but I didn't go every time, though.
Well, I'll just skip a few points and basically say that one night in February, while Jason was sleeping and I was alone in the room, I had this sudden epiphany - or thought - that God had made me room with Jason for a reason. Because I had seen Jason go out and do the things that I had secretly always wanted to commit to when I was younger but never got to. And finding out that he had only just gotten into Christianity later in high school got me, because I felt that he had grown in the span of a couple of years ten times as much as I had in a decade. And I was jealous- of his personal achievements, of his integrity, of his naivete- it all just struck me. So yeah, that night, I came to this thought that God had been the one who put Jason in MY life. After all these years of me scoffing at the thought of God actually doing what our world dictates is by coincidence.
And I cried that night. Literally.
Okay, so maybe the tears weren't coming out like they did when I was... 6, but I remember feeling teary-eyed for sure. Sniffling a little bit. I didn't understand why God hadn't given up on me by that point. I didn't understand what I had done to get a roommate like Jason in my life - someone who had been determined otherwise by chance, by a lottery. Why did other people get to have bad or nonexistent roommate experiences and I got to have a roommate whose presence in my life made me freaking cry tears of happiness for the first time in 7 years? All I knew was that this kind of feeling, this kind of sensation, this kind of euphoria was something only God could have done. I found it hard to understand when other people would speak about how God would explicitly tell them things in their lives- like to move to this location, to pursue this job, to speak to this person- I felt that I had never experienced anything of that sort since my first prayer to God as a child, that I had merely imagined that God answered my prayers when I saw little good things happen. I wondered why I kept falling into the same loop every year of telling myself I would commit to God when I only halfheartedly felt that way to begin with. I thought that maybe my child mind was too naive to understand things in this way back then, so that now that I was an adult, I would be over it all.
But here I was, in a freshman college dorm room, having this sudden epiphany - and I was telling myself that this feeling was the feeling that I had been searching for all along. That this was what it really felt like to be answered by God- particularly in a way that I had never expected. I never anticipated college to work out the way that it did - and I have to say that it is probably the best experience I have ever had in my life.
So well, after that, I started attending IV CCF Large Group, although I was feeling partly consumed by work (which is another topic of its own) and was partially in and out of the loop for another year. And although I was feeling more inclined towards God, I was still having God-less moments and it was bugging me. I felt that the process of me starting to get back in a regular relationship with God was going to take five times as long as everyone else I knew or saw at CCF. And then something different happened this semester... I don't know how or why, I made the effort to attend every large group at least because I was feeling bad about missing out a lot last semester. I felt bad because Tim had prayed for me the one night I had come from my first EE20 midterm and mentioned how he was glad that I had been able to come to consistently come to small group - and then I didn't show up for about 3 weeks. I was going through a workaholic stage... it wasn't pretty.
So then things started building up to a point where this one speaker, a woman named Dana, starting talking about prayer and its importance with relevance to the passage in Matthew of Jesus in the desert being tempted by the devil. And I don't know how to put it, but something came out of the message that stood out to me. The second realization, that my identity was in Jesus Christ as a son of God. That that was the reason that God loved me. And so, I finally mustered the courage to do something I had never done before in my life by myself - I got up to talk to a member of the prayer team, who just my luck that night happened to be Ryan. and we prayed. and it was awesome.
It's been a rough ride, with some ups and downs these last few weeks, but I've been feeling better about myself. I still feel that I've been having trouble keeping God first in my thoughts, and that somedays I'll go through moments where I almost just forget that he's there. But it's been in moments like now that I realize that he's there, that's he's always listening. and today I figured that it was about time that I mentioned this here, the place where I store all my random side thoughts that I feel like jotting down. Because God is in my life more than all of the other petty little things I worry about- and he does deserve that much here, at least. So I digress.
I just wanted to thank everyone who God has put in my life to this day. This not just including the people who I've been able to talk to about God. This means everyone I know. Even the people who I've had issues with before.
I realize I had this conversation with Johny before about whether or not I really do appreciate him or whatever- because whenever I say things, it's hard to construe how much of them I actually mean- I suppose I can't say what he really thinks, but I will make this clear now Johny, I do appreciate you. Just for being there. And thanks for giving me those extra warnings after I dropped you off at your house that one Friday night - it really meant a lot to me. And okay now I'm just being sappy.
I realize that this kind of topic would be hard for people who aren't Christian to follow or get... but that's fine. I feel that these kinds of feelings are best explored on your own- from what I can say of my experience, people shouldn't be telling you how you should think or how you should act or what you should believe in. That's something that you really need to discover for yourself... and although it does seem as though all these beliefs just fundamentally contradict if you only believe in one of them... I believe that there is an answer that God will reveal in his own time regarding that. But I don't feel the need to convert or change people or do whatever they call it- it's more a matter of expressing my personal experiences and letting others make what they will of it. If it's not something you dig, then whichever. I'm fine with that.
And on another note, I am totally screwed for this week. Why am I going to bed at 7:50 AM... -_-
To be honest, I haven't actively thought about him (Him, whichever... He gets the point) that much in my life when you consider how long I've been living. Yes, I have had moments where I have felt very... moved by him in some way. But even just thinking about today, God wasn't really in my thoughts that much today. I realize that I haven't been making that large of a commitment to keeping him first in my life, even though I'm entirely indebted to him for what he did. and will do. But I do want to change that though. I've been wanting to change that about myself for the longest time now... ever since middle school. But it's taken me this long to get to it... because I've just been lazy or too caught up in my own life.
I remember back when high school was first starting, I made my New Year's Resolution (or later should I say weekly resolution) to someday finally get baptized. To fully commit to God like I said I would when I first made that prayer in middle school. And I would keep telling myself this every week, and pray every night about it... and then I started forgetting. I knew in the back of my head that I was drifting away, but I didn't do anything about it. I started seeing things in high school in a different light, feeling more critical about how a lot of Christians don't see or refuse to see things in the same light non-Christians do. I mean that in the sense that they refuse to empathize with them. They judge people for being gay, atheist, not living up the standard of Jesus. I realize this in itself is a really general statement, but it has happened and will continue to happen. But anyway, this bugged me a lot... since I had come from a conservative environment where some of these things had been ingrained into my head. Or I had seen it expressed by my teachers and peers. And that isn't the way I think things should work, if God really loves everyone. So I started drifting away from God for basically all of high school. I still attended church every so often and would be momentarily moved sometimes, but I didn't go to youth group at all (which was one of my favorite things about middle school), and I didn't read the Bible much from what I can recall. I even laughed sometimes at the apparent ridiculousness of some of the things present in organized religion.
Then I came to Berkeley, and I did not expect to get involved with religion in any way, or at least for a while. I didn't go to church for maybe 3 months, didn't have a Bible available like I did at home, didn't really express a Christian sentiment of anything other than occassionally telling people that I was Christian or came from that background. but God certainly wasn't on my mind at the time.
And then I finally met Jason. Not in the literal sense; I'd known Jason for maybe a couple of months. But I started seeing Jason for the kind of person he was when he was alone, in our room, reading his Bible intensely or praying or committing himself to those things that I had distanced myself from for the past 4 years. I remember when he first added me on facebook and I saw that he had a Bible verses application and everything... I almost was concerned that I might be rooming with some "religious fanatic" or something like that. But when I finally met him, I came to respect him for what he did... because not many people that I knew could make the kind of devotion or commitment that he did.
Around this time, I started going to church with Ryan, Olivia, Melissa, and Eric, as seeing Jason gone every Sunday started making me think about at least doing that as well. Although God wasn't really on my mind at this point as much as I was thinking about the obligation I felt to go if I were to still call myself a Christian. So I went, and it was not bad. but I didn't go every time, though.
Well, I'll just skip a few points and basically say that one night in February, while Jason was sleeping and I was alone in the room, I had this sudden epiphany - or thought - that God had made me room with Jason for a reason. Because I had seen Jason go out and do the things that I had secretly always wanted to commit to when I was younger but never got to. And finding out that he had only just gotten into Christianity later in high school got me, because I felt that he had grown in the span of a couple of years ten times as much as I had in a decade. And I was jealous- of his personal achievements, of his integrity, of his naivete- it all just struck me. So yeah, that night, I came to this thought that God had been the one who put Jason in MY life. After all these years of me scoffing at the thought of God actually doing what our world dictates is by coincidence.
And I cried that night. Literally.
Okay, so maybe the tears weren't coming out like they did when I was... 6, but I remember feeling teary-eyed for sure. Sniffling a little bit. I didn't understand why God hadn't given up on me by that point. I didn't understand what I had done to get a roommate like Jason in my life - someone who had been determined otherwise by chance, by a lottery. Why did other people get to have bad or nonexistent roommate experiences and I got to have a roommate whose presence in my life made me freaking cry tears of happiness for the first time in 7 years? All I knew was that this kind of feeling, this kind of sensation, this kind of euphoria was something only God could have done. I found it hard to understand when other people would speak about how God would explicitly tell them things in their lives- like to move to this location, to pursue this job, to speak to this person- I felt that I had never experienced anything of that sort since my first prayer to God as a child, that I had merely imagined that God answered my prayers when I saw little good things happen. I wondered why I kept falling into the same loop every year of telling myself I would commit to God when I only halfheartedly felt that way to begin with. I thought that maybe my child mind was too naive to understand things in this way back then, so that now that I was an adult, I would be over it all.
But here I was, in a freshman college dorm room, having this sudden epiphany - and I was telling myself that this feeling was the feeling that I had been searching for all along. That this was what it really felt like to be answered by God- particularly in a way that I had never expected. I never anticipated college to work out the way that it did - and I have to say that it is probably the best experience I have ever had in my life.
So well, after that, I started attending IV CCF Large Group, although I was feeling partly consumed by work (which is another topic of its own) and was partially in and out of the loop for another year. And although I was feeling more inclined towards God, I was still having God-less moments and it was bugging me. I felt that the process of me starting to get back in a regular relationship with God was going to take five times as long as everyone else I knew or saw at CCF. And then something different happened this semester... I don't know how or why, I made the effort to attend every large group at least because I was feeling bad about missing out a lot last semester. I felt bad because Tim had prayed for me the one night I had come from my first EE20 midterm and mentioned how he was glad that I had been able to come to consistently come to small group - and then I didn't show up for about 3 weeks. I was going through a workaholic stage... it wasn't pretty.
So then things started building up to a point where this one speaker, a woman named Dana, starting talking about prayer and its importance with relevance to the passage in Matthew of Jesus in the desert being tempted by the devil. And I don't know how to put it, but something came out of the message that stood out to me. The second realization, that my identity was in Jesus Christ as a son of God. That that was the reason that God loved me. And so, I finally mustered the courage to do something I had never done before in my life by myself - I got up to talk to a member of the prayer team, who just my luck that night happened to be Ryan. and we prayed. and it was awesome.
It's been a rough ride, with some ups and downs these last few weeks, but I've been feeling better about myself. I still feel that I've been having trouble keeping God first in my thoughts, and that somedays I'll go through moments where I almost just forget that he's there. But it's been in moments like now that I realize that he's there, that's he's always listening. and today I figured that it was about time that I mentioned this here, the place where I store all my random side thoughts that I feel like jotting down. Because God is in my life more than all of the other petty little things I worry about- and he does deserve that much here, at least. So I digress.
I just wanted to thank everyone who God has put in my life to this day. This not just including the people who I've been able to talk to about God. This means everyone I know. Even the people who I've had issues with before.
I realize I had this conversation with Johny before about whether or not I really do appreciate him or whatever- because whenever I say things, it's hard to construe how much of them I actually mean- I suppose I can't say what he really thinks, but I will make this clear now Johny, I do appreciate you. Just for being there. And thanks for giving me those extra warnings after I dropped you off at your house that one Friday night - it really meant a lot to me. And okay now I'm just being sappy.
I realize that this kind of topic would be hard for people who aren't Christian to follow or get... but that's fine. I feel that these kinds of feelings are best explored on your own- from what I can say of my experience, people shouldn't be telling you how you should think or how you should act or what you should believe in. That's something that you really need to discover for yourself... and although it does seem as though all these beliefs just fundamentally contradict if you only believe in one of them... I believe that there is an answer that God will reveal in his own time regarding that. But I don't feel the need to convert or change people or do whatever they call it- it's more a matter of expressing my personal experiences and letting others make what they will of it. If it's not something you dig, then whichever. I'm fine with that.
And on another note, I am totally screwed for this week. Why am I going to bed at 7:50 AM... -_-
It occurred to me that this blog maybe only captures a tenth of what I actually think about regularly. The last post wasn't even really something that I had thought about for more than maybe a half hour at best. At least, compared to the stuff that primarily occupied my mind this week...
I realize that although I like listening to people a lot (I tend to listen more than I talk... although when I talk I like to talk a lot), I tend to feel a little... critical? of people in some manners. Or at least, there are certain things that will stick out that I don't particularly like, but I won't mention it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this, but lately it has been bugging me to a certain extent. I don't like it when I catch myself starting to judge other people while I'm talking to them... although it doesn't generally detract from what I already think of the person; for most people I know, their best qualities tremendously outweigh the things I'm being petty about. I guess I'll elaborate a little about what does bug me though:
- talking about how it seems as if no one else cares.
This bugs me because this is a trap that I've fallen into before. It's annoying because honestly, there always is going to be someone who cares somewhere. And there will be even more people who would care if they knew what was going on. In person, that is. I find it hard to communicate feelings online such as through facebook, because writing (or words in general) doesn't effectively convey things that would otherwise be picked up from visual cues in person.
- talking about how specific people don't care
This will primarily bug me if I actually know the specific people... but a lot of the time, even if I don't know the person that well or in the context relevant to the given situation, I don't like being pushed to seeing people in a negative light... although maybe less so if I see the negative qualities in person. Sometimes I wonder what these people would say if they really knew what was going on... but granted, it's difficult for anyone to develop the level of empathy that would be needed to compare to what the individual experiences. But you know, that's how life is... I just don't really like it when you wind up setting certain expectations for people to fulfill because you consider them in a particular light (like, if this person really was my friend, they would do this...) - and then they don't meet those expectations. and then you start considering them not your friend for that.
A couple years back when I started going through this sort of depression... I came to the conclusion that it would be impossible for people - my friends even - to meet the kind of expectations that I would have for them as friends. Because for one, I don't think I would be able to fulfill my own expectations. And for another, people are fundamentally flawed in that area. I don't think I could ever entirely predict what exactly someone else expected of me as a friend - and I'm sorry to say that. But I decided to let things go for what they were. I decided that I would never (or strive to, anyway) feel offended because someone else didn't fulfill my expectations of them as a friend, or what I would like them to do - that I would accept that as just a part of being human. But I really appreciate it when people do take out of their time to do something for me- because it really means a lot.
I realize that there is this notion of people who you are really close to and people that you... aren't so much. It's inevitable. But I don't want to start thinking of people in that light. I really wish I could just talk to someone who I haven't talked to in years as if I had never stopped talking to them - that we could just both share mutually the deep things that had been going on. That I could open up to people who I don't know that well and not feel bothered by it. But I'll get back to this later. The point being, I just wish people would... talking about other people as if they never cared much. Unless they said it straight to your face... But that's another story.
- talking about how no one understands or can understand
This is a moot point... I realize it's inevitable that ultimately no one can really understand what you yourself is feeling... but you know, part our lives are spent trying to understand what other people are feeling. I'll try to understand, even though I know it's probably never going to be exact. But just know that you aren't alone... And (something I've been wanting to say for a while), that someone loves you for who you are.
I don't mean this as something directed at a particular someone or a particular incident- this was just something that has bothered me from a number of people over the years - including myself. It's something I've hated myself for in the past, so I hate it when I start seeing it in other people. It just brings back... a bit of stuff.
This was something I just need to write down for myself... I don't want to be come across as if I'm venting about people, because I'm not. The people I know are awesome. They may have problems, yes, but who the heck doesn't have problems? It's normal. It's good. People are good.
I realize that although I like listening to people a lot (I tend to listen more than I talk... although when I talk I like to talk a lot), I tend to feel a little... critical? of people in some manners. Or at least, there are certain things that will stick out that I don't particularly like, but I won't mention it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this, but lately it has been bugging me to a certain extent. I don't like it when I catch myself starting to judge other people while I'm talking to them... although it doesn't generally detract from what I already think of the person; for most people I know, their best qualities tremendously outweigh the things I'm being petty about. I guess I'll elaborate a little about what does bug me though:
- talking about how it seems as if no one else cares.
This bugs me because this is a trap that I've fallen into before. It's annoying because honestly, there always is going to be someone who cares somewhere. And there will be even more people who would care if they knew what was going on. In person, that is. I find it hard to communicate feelings online such as through facebook, because writing (or words in general) doesn't effectively convey things that would otherwise be picked up from visual cues in person.
- talking about how specific people don't care
This will primarily bug me if I actually know the specific people... but a lot of the time, even if I don't know the person that well or in the context relevant to the given situation, I don't like being pushed to seeing people in a negative light... although maybe less so if I see the negative qualities in person. Sometimes I wonder what these people would say if they really knew what was going on... but granted, it's difficult for anyone to develop the level of empathy that would be needed to compare to what the individual experiences. But you know, that's how life is... I just don't really like it when you wind up setting certain expectations for people to fulfill because you consider them in a particular light (like, if this person really was my friend, they would do this...) - and then they don't meet those expectations. and then you start considering them not your friend for that.
A couple years back when I started going through this sort of depression... I came to the conclusion that it would be impossible for people - my friends even - to meet the kind of expectations that I would have for them as friends. Because for one, I don't think I would be able to fulfill my own expectations. And for another, people are fundamentally flawed in that area. I don't think I could ever entirely predict what exactly someone else expected of me as a friend - and I'm sorry to say that. But I decided to let things go for what they were. I decided that I would never (or strive to, anyway) feel offended because someone else didn't fulfill my expectations of them as a friend, or what I would like them to do - that I would accept that as just a part of being human. But I really appreciate it when people do take out of their time to do something for me- because it really means a lot.
I realize that there is this notion of people who you are really close to and people that you... aren't so much. It's inevitable. But I don't want to start thinking of people in that light. I really wish I could just talk to someone who I haven't talked to in years as if I had never stopped talking to them - that we could just both share mutually the deep things that had been going on. That I could open up to people who I don't know that well and not feel bothered by it. But I'll get back to this later. The point being, I just wish people would... talking about other people as if they never cared much. Unless they said it straight to your face... But that's another story.
- talking about how no one understands or can understand
This is a moot point... I realize it's inevitable that ultimately no one can really understand what you yourself is feeling... but you know, part our lives are spent trying to understand what other people are feeling. I'll try to understand, even though I know it's probably never going to be exact. But just know that you aren't alone... And (something I've been wanting to say for a while), that someone loves you for who you are.
I don't mean this as something directed at a particular someone or a particular incident- this was just something that has bothered me from a number of people over the years - including myself. It's something I've hated myself for in the past, so I hate it when I start seeing it in other people. It just brings back... a bit of stuff.
This was something I just need to write down for myself... I don't want to be come across as if I'm venting about people, because I'm not. The people I know are awesome. They may have problems, yes, but who the heck doesn't have problems? It's normal. It's good. People are good.
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