It occurred to me that this blog maybe only captures a tenth of what I actually think about regularly. The last post wasn't even really something that I had thought about for more than maybe a half hour at best. At least, compared to the stuff that primarily occupied my mind this week...

I realize that although I like listening to people a lot (I tend to listen more than I talk... although when I talk I like to talk a lot), I tend to feel a little... critical? of people in some manners. Or at least, there are certain things that will stick out that I don't particularly like, but I won't mention it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this, but lately it has been bugging me to a certain extent. I don't like it when I catch myself starting to judge other people while I'm talking to them... although it doesn't generally detract from what I already think of the person; for most people I know, their best qualities tremendously outweigh the things I'm being petty about. I guess I'll elaborate a little about what does bug me though:

- talking about how it seems as if no one else cares.
This bugs me because this is a trap that I've fallen into before. It's annoying because honestly, there always is going to be someone who cares somewhere. And there will be even more people who would care if they knew what was going on. In person, that is. I find it hard to communicate feelings online such as through facebook, because writing (or words in general) doesn't effectively convey things that would otherwise be picked up from visual cues in person.

- talking about how specific people don't care
This will primarily bug me if I actually know the specific people... but a lot of the time, even if I don't know the person that well or in the context relevant to the given situation, I don't like being pushed to seeing people in a negative light... although maybe less so if I see the negative qualities in person. Sometimes I wonder what these people would say if they really knew what was going on... but granted, it's difficult for anyone to develop the level of empathy that would be needed to compare to what the individual experiences. But you know, that's how life is... I just don't really like it when you wind up setting certain expectations for people to fulfill because you consider them in a particular light (like, if this person really was my friend, they would do this...) - and then they don't meet those expectations. and then you start considering them not your friend for that.

A couple years back when I started going through this sort of depression... I came to the conclusion that it would be impossible for people - my friends even - to meet the kind of expectations that I would have for them as friends. Because for one, I don't think I would be able to fulfill my own expectations. And for another, people are fundamentally flawed in that area. I don't think I could ever entirely predict what exactly someone else expected of me as a friend - and I'm sorry to say that. But I decided to let things go for what they were. I decided that I would never (or strive to, anyway) feel offended because someone else didn't fulfill my expectations of them as a friend, or what I would like them to do - that I would accept that as just a part of being human. But I really appreciate it when people do take out of their time to do something for me- because it really means a lot.

I realize that there is this notion of people who you are really close to and people that you... aren't so much. It's inevitable. But I don't want to start thinking of people in that light. I really wish I could just talk to someone who I haven't talked to in years as if I had never stopped talking to them - that we could just both share mutually the deep things that had been going on. That I could open up to people who I don't know that well and not feel bothered by it. But I'll get back to this later. The point being, I just wish people would... talking about other people as if they never cared much. Unless they said it straight to your face... But that's another story.

- talking about how no one understands or can understand
This is a moot point... I realize it's inevitable that ultimately no one can really understand what you yourself is feeling... but you know, part our lives are spent trying to understand what other people are feeling. I'll try to understand, even though I know it's probably never going to be exact. But just know that you aren't alone... And (something I've been wanting to say for a while), that someone loves you for who you are.

I don't mean this as something directed at a particular someone or a particular incident- this was just something that has bothered me from a number of people over the years - including myself. It's something I've hated myself for in the past, so I hate it when I start seeing it in other people. It just brings back... a bit of stuff.

This was something I just need to write down for myself... I don't want to be come across as if I'm venting about people, because I'm not. The people I know are awesome. They may have problems, yes, but who the heck doesn't have problems? It's normal. It's good. People are good.