I go home in a week and I don't know what to make of it yet.

I know that I have to catch up on work badly, for one thing. And start reviewing stuff for the next round of projects/midterms. But I kinda want to see people also... well maybe not so much. Actually I've been feeling antisocial as of late. Although I'll make exceptions the moment I see someone who I don't mind talking to at the moment, or in the case of my apartment's social gatherings.

But I don't really know how I feel about things. Or just I like saying that for the heck of it.

I was looking at my old entries in this blog, and I realize that I was a bit more... I dunno if expressive feels like the right word. It's like freshman year, I was into all of these random things that were out there and interesting in one way or another: antiquated games, classic movies, musicals, etc. And my entries then expressed it in a way. Then I went through the list phase, and now I'm in the introspective-contemplative phase where everything is bordering on the abstract realm but connected with concerns grounded in reality. There's a lot of things I point out about myself, but I don't know how much I'm actually trying to do change them. In some ways I actually feel complacent about the way I am, or at least enough that I don't feel bothered enough to change. Or I feel bothered enough to complain about myself but nothing enough to actually do anything about it.

On that note, I feel the need to also address my sense of pride. I have this ego when it comes to things in general- that if I have the time, I can do basically anything decently, but I'm not putting time into it so that's why I'm not good at it. Which I guess is sort of true- but then it extends into this almost cocky feeling where I start seeing myself as this potential jack-of-all-trades that's better than a lot of people because of my self-perceived potential. I've been pushing it a lot on one of my friends from home subconsciously- this going back to me still feeling bitter after all these years about that one summer- and then I get pissed off when things don't go to my expectations and I find that that I'm not really as good at this as I thought I was, or that it'll take longer for me to adapt than the majority would. I'm all thought, little action.

I need to start being more humble about things. Yes, I'm not as great as I would like to make myself to be. Yes, I suck at a lot of things compared to other people. I never really was athletic compared to other people aside from playing tennis. I never really cared much about how much I could bench or the gym or fitness in general, nor did I really care much about FPS's or drinking or a bunch of random things that other guys my age do. Maybe I should get into it more someday- I just don't feel the motivation to at the moment. I actually do care to an extent about what other people think of me, but not enough to do anything about it, going back to what I said earlier. I don't mind being overshadowed by people at the things that I admit I'm not good at. But if I haven't admitted that yet, then I get very pissed off when I find out that I'm bad at it.

Academics (or other intellectual things) used to be the one thing that would drive me in the past. I knew I could at least do that right, you know. But now I'm hitting this stage where even my classes are owning me- and it's almost I've hit this rock bottom crisis of overwhelming proportions. But it's not the end of the world. I need to learn to accept that I'm not the kind of person I would like to be- that I can't live out these dreams of myself that I keep having in my mind of immortalized friendships and awesome abilities. I need to accept that I can't have control over every little facet of my life, that life continues to be unpredictable- that maybe I should just let go and let God take control of the direction I'm headed.

I need to motivate myself to keep up with my priorities. I'm not in the best of moods right now because of the foul aftertaste I have from the end of the last midterm season, but I can't give up now. There's still too many things to do, too many opportunities I haven't wasted yet. I can still change.

But first, I want to enjoy this song. :P
-1979