I've been in a semi-panicked state because I can't find the papers I had regarding IV leadership for next year... but I'm trying not to let this overwhelm me again. I've been wondering for a while about my motivations for considering leading Engineering small group - least after it was suggested to me.

On one hand, it seems natural. I feel like in a way, I haven't grown to the point of leading other people - but at the same time, I feel like I've just been saying this as an excuse to myself to just remain at whatever place I'm at and not try to move forward with me life. I feel like my entire life can basically summarized by missed opportunities - because I never mustered up the courage to take the extra step to do something, so I just wound up wallowing in the same place for ages. That's how I felt like my relationship with God has been for the last several years, how I've been with just about everything in my life, why I can never seem to commit to something.

I'll be honest. I haven't been very devout for the past while. I've made some attempts at having some alone time with God at one point or another, but that usually hasn't lasted very long. And I'll momentarily wallow back into bad habits and moods from the previous years every so often. I don't feel like I have the qualifications to do anything so far as act as a leader or mentor for another person, that I might start feeling flaky and not into it at one point and be a bad supporter for other people. See my previous posts about my negative feelings about seeing people in general.

God, if there's anything I want right now, it's to know exactly what you want me to do. Chances are I'll probably start feeling uncomfortable and flaky about it, but I really need to know now. Is my inability to find my papers a sign of something? My uncertainty about my success in the future? I feel like I need to take another year off of extracurriculars just to keep up with my own classes, but at that rate I'd never get anywhere else with my life. I need to learn to start committing to things now - regardless of whether or not pursuing leadership in IV is a start.

I decided earlier this week to give up my ambitions for learning another language (Japanese). It was a hard decision (I hate giving up these things), but honestly, just to be real with myself from these past two semesters, I don't think I could handle the workload of another difficult 5 unit class in addition to EECS and bio. That was from a practical standpoint. And honestly, I would definitely not have time to even consider Engineering small group. So it would be fine and dandy if I weren't involved in IV, but now...

God, please show me something. Please.