Ceremony

This is why events unnerve me
They find it all, a different story
Over time the wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asks is the strength to hold me
Making the same old story
Word will travel oh so quickly
Travel first and turn towards this time

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, these things she said
The times she cried
Too frail to wake this time

Oh I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever, forever
Watching love grow, forever
Letting me know, forever 

The thing that gets me about this song is the transient nature of its lyrics. I discovered this song on Galaxie 500's On Fire album, and found out that it was both not originally part of that album and a cover of a song by New Order that was originally composed when its members were still in Joy Division. The lead singer who composed this song, Ian Curtis, committed suicide two weeks after his first live performance of it, and none of the members of Joy Division could find his lyrics after his death so they had to rewrite parts of the first verse and chorus.

Which kinda gets me cause I really wanted to know what Ian wrote. As far as the song's meaning is concerned, most people seem to believe that it's related to the reason why he killed himself. His marriage was falling apart because of an affair he had had with another woman, and he'd been trying to convince his wife to stay with him. But the song isn't addressed to his wife; it's addressed to the woman he had the affair with. About his attempts to break out of this cyclical ceremony with that woman, who had caused his life to turn for the worst.

I'm listening to one of the live versions of the song recorded by Joy Division before Ian's death. The recording kinda sucks cause Ian's voice is so muffled that you can barely hear what he's saying, and some parts don't entirely sound like what the current lyrics are. What really gets me, though, is his voice. The music's optimistic and uplifting, but Ian's voice is mixed with contrasting feelings, almost like it's sad and hopeful at the same time? I don't know if I'm just hearing it because of what I already know and the fact that the recording is so bad, but it still gets me.

I know, this guy didn't exactly live the best life ever. But his work does say something about the ephemerality of music, of life, of love. Sadness.

I haven't really felt this way since finishing To the Lighthouse, which is kind of an odd book to relate to this when I think about it. But eh, I've made a lot of random connections in the past.

I hate losing things.

So as I was walking home from large group, I started having issues with my umbrella which was refusing to stay closed on me. So I unwrapped it for a second to investigate what was wrong, and of course it had to spring open in my face, knocking the mechanical pencil I was holding (why??? I have no idea.) out of my hand and into the nearby shrubbery.

Of course, nighttime + rather deep shrubbery = I LOST MY DAMN PENCIL.

I frantically tried to search for it for a while, and somehow was able to find a random blue pen sitting on top of a soft drink cup lid, but no pencil. And of course, I have a history of losing things and excessively panicking over the fact that I lose things. But for once, I just let it go. It's just a mechanical pencil anyway.

But I still miss it. ;_;

(and also, my umbrella's now broken to the extent that it doesn't close anymore. great.)

Procrastination!

Favorite Game Openings:
Chrono Cross
Planescape: Torment
Final Fantasy Tactics
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars
Xenogears
Hotel Dusk 
Persona 4
Final Fantasy VII
Day of the Tentacle
Digital Devil Saga 2
Umineko Chiru
Mario Party 2
Radical Dreamers
Final Fantasy VI
Secret of Monkey Island
The Sims 2
Sam and Max Hit the Road
System Shock 2
Ever17 ~ Out of Infinity
Final Fantasy XII (this mainly applies to the first couple of minutes... it's too long -_-)

Favorite Game Start Menus:
Chrono Cross
Starcraft
Chrono Trigger
Kingdom Hearts
Planescape: Torment
Golden Sun: The Lost Age
Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers
Mario Kart 64
Fate/stay night
Halo 3
Valkyrie Profile
Final Fantasy IX
Pokemon
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Paper Mario
The Longest Journey
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
Banjo Tooie

These Game Openings Make Me Laugh:
Baten Kaitos
Resident Evil 1
Xenogears

Why is it already 1:40??? -_____-

The theme of this week is discipline!

I think I am going to pull the ban on games starting now, because I REALLY NEED IT right now.

Although I actually didn't play any games today, and was actually productive for most of the day minus the few internet distraction breaks I took between stuff and then the last couple of hours. But of course, it still wasn't enough.

I kinda want to check out the protests going into Oakland tomorrow, but CS150 project + CS150 HW + CS150 MORE HW + my other project + the 5 weeks of readings I'm behind on + the deadlines I've been neglecting + the fact that I am going to have no life in two weeks say otherwise. Why is there never enough time in the day? -_-

Addendum: I think I need to start appreciating silence more.

SC2 Obsessed

If there were shipping fandoms in Starcraft (which there probably are... I'm just too lazy/scared to bother to look them up), I'd probably be a RaynorxKerrigan. Except going by the example of typical shipper fandoms it'd probably be called RayKay or Kaynor or Rerrigan.

... It doesn't work as well for non-Japanese names. >_>

As usual, I finally find the time to catch up on work that's been pushed back for a while, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I've somehow gotten to the point where I can't even play games anymore without a guilty conscience, so instead I wind up just sitting here listening to music. Which isn't so bad, I guess, but the stubborn multitasker in me demands that I be doing something while listening to music. So I guess I resort to this.

 I am having one of those moments that is not expressible in words.

Lalalala

I really should be doing my shot analysis paper right now.

Okay, I'll do it.