Community

I mentioned a few weeks ago about dissatisfaction, but not really knowing how else to describe it. Well in light of last night and this night, it kinda all came together for me. I'm dissatisfied with community.

To be honest, this was what I originally would've had in mind when I wrote out my testimony for the testimony book, but instead something else came to the forefront when I actually started writing because I couldn't focus my ideas on this at the time. So maybe think of this as a second testimony.

I may or may not have mentioned before that I somehow find myself going through the same, if not very similar thoughts that Ryan L goes through, aside from experiencing them in different contexts or as a result of different situations. (although in reality, I have thoughts that even Ryan apparently doesn't know how to interpret, so it's not really one to one). That said, his somewhat... mish-mashed testimony last night (<3) on community echoed a lot of things in my life that held true for me. Being rejected by a friend in middle school, leaving the church in high school, really valuing the presence of harmony and a good community in general... And the dissatisfaction that comes from not finding the community we seek.

I have really idealized expectations of what community looks like. I have spent years searching for it, a space where everyone can be each other's best friend, where everyone can feel comfortable just being around each other and be able to open up about the serious things in their life without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. I took it so far to the point where I started idolizing every community or group of friends I became a part of. In an attempt to realize it, I invested a ton of time in just being around these people, perhaps more time than an introvert like me would usually feel comfortable doing.

And then of course, as time passed, conflicts happened. People grew apart. People started fighting. It happened in almost every group of friends I had. It drove me crazy, especially considering they all emerged out of circumstances that I had little to no control over personally. I could be on good terms with all of these people, but with each other they wouldn't talk. They wouldn't listen. They wouldn't reconcile. Or in other cases, I'd end up clashing with them. Or in other cases they wouldn't talk to me. And then I started growing bitter, and started holding faults against them... and eventually grew distant from them. I felt like the time I had spent with them had gone nowhere.

What I desired was cohesiveness, from people that turned out not to be very cohesive with each other at all, myself included. I (and some of my friends) hoped to impose or instill some sense of togetherness in our group, but instead what we found was that sometimes people just don't get along well or even can't stand each other by their very nature. Just because I'm friends with both of you doesn't mean that you have to be friends with each other. Likewise, just because you're friends with me and another person doesn't mean I have to be friends with that person. I started judging people for their inability to get along, or to look past the faults of each other when it mattered, regardless of the fact that I myself had trouble getting along with these people because of it. And sometimes there were people I just couldn't relate to very well in general.

The bottom line is, it has started getting to the point where I am growing sick of being around people altogether. I am growing sick of trying find communities that don't seem to be anywhere, when I can only find at best decent, although very much imperfect and not very much cohesive groups of people. I hate the fact that there are people within my circles of friends who I've known for years but can barely carry conversations with, and that there are people who I can talk to, but can feel internally bitter to on a moment's notice. These are communities that I don't truly feel comfortable in now. Every passing encounter that goes by, every missed conversation, every missed opportunity to share an experiences, thwarted by the forces of bad circumstances and clashing personalities. I can try to like people, but I can't make myself become their best friend whenever I want to.

Leaving college is a very bittersweet experience. It comes with the knowledge that I didn't have the time, nor the personality, nor the ability, to really get to know or build even fairly solid relationships with all of the people that I wanted to over the years. And yet I somehow was able to get by in this constant state of imperfect harmony, of being good friends with some people and at least on decent terms with others. At senior large group last night, in the midst of all the chaos and mistakes flying everywhere, I suddenly realized this - and laughed. Because I found that it still was an fun experience, when it came down to it. Yes, not everyone got along with each other, and yes, some people even drove me crazy and to the point of tears and anger - but I have to say, it was a worthwhile and life-giving experience. Even for just the little moments, I was able to find joy.

So now I come to this point where I feel like I'm both growing distant from people but still enjoying their company when it's there. It comes across as a massive paradox in my head right now, and I don't really know how to make sense of it. I feel like whenever I try to explain my thoughts to Ryan, they end up coming across as these series of paradoxes and contradictions that confuse the hell out of the both of us. At best, I can only describe it as a dissatisfaction with the community I've experienced for all its imperfections, but not discounting the fact that I enjoyed it anyway. Which is the reason why I still bother seeing people now, with the continued hope of experiencing something more.

Life is a continuous process of learning to accept imperfection, but at the same time not settling for it when it's possible to do better. It is very easy for me to just do one, but not the other, and I feel like I've just been moving back and forth between both ends for a long time now. I acknowledge that my old ideas of community aren't fully realizable - but that is no excuse to give up on the people in them.

Strangely, this is at best tangentially related to the other big thing on my mind tonight, but that is "a story for another time," as Ryan would put it. Community in particular is something I have wrestled with for years, so I'm glad this finally got written out. Good night.

Uncanny tendency to get sick around the worst possible times. Oh well. This is the fifth time this semester?

Almost there...

R

Last time around I shut off contact with most people for a while, just to focus on work, and then came off feeling... underwhelmed, a bit upset, and irritable. Because I felt like I ought to have been able to finish, having sacrificed that time that I ordinarily would've spent seeing people. But we wound up not finishing anyway, and it pissed me off.

This time around I decided to trade work time for extracurricular time. The worry that we won't finish is still there, but I decided that I'd rather not regret missing out on these last few experiences, before college is over. And I'd rather not repeat last time.

I don't think I could fathom the prospect of working on a problem for three years and discovering it to be unsolvable all along, that most of your work was pretty much worthless. All those years of unfinished work. It would probably wreck me mentally and emotionally, considering how I've ended up in the past after a mere two weeks... two months of that. Last summer was a pretty low point for me in that respect.

A lot of my so-called schedule-planning in the past was really me trying to make a plan so that I wouldn't end up regretting my time here. It was so that I wouldn't feel like I'd wasted units and time on a class that I had no interest in, when I could be studying something else. As it turned out, that regret wound up being inevitable anyway... and now I leave here feeling acutely aware of how much more it could have been.

But at the same time, I realize that I'd have no way of knowing the "right" path before in the first place, without having had these "regret" inducing experiences. I realized that there were just some things I couldn't predict no matter how I tried, and that sometimes these experiences wound being pretty valuable later down the line for one reason or another that I couldn't see right away... like say a job interview. It's been a slow learning process for me right now, but looking back on things, I'm glad they happened the way they happened. Even though it could have been so much more. But such is life.

Less than a month left. Time to make it not suck.

-__-

This morning after Regen:

E: You're from Shanghai???
Me: Huh?
E: That's what [the Chinese lady who sat next to you] said.
Me: Oh no, I was trying to tell her that I can't speak English.

Dissatisfaction

I'm having one of those moments where I can't figure out how to word what I want to say.

The only word I can think of is dissatisfaction. Not with life (life is all right), but with specific things. Things that seem unrealizable at this point. Like certain conversations that I wish would happen.

It gets to the point where I end up having them in my dreams instead, and then I wake up and realize that it was just a hypothetical conversation in a dream. Realize that reality isn't the way I dreamed it to be.

Then again, if reality was the way I dreamed it to be, I'd be failing an exam for a class I never took on a perpetually sinking cruise ship right now. So I'm glad that's not the case.

Printemps Émeraude

Les sous-bois au printemps
Sont une voûte céleste
Constellée d'émeuraudes.

Les feuilles des arbres dansent
Avec la brise légère
Et les rayons du soleil
Pour que sa lumière
Les transforme en joyaux.

^

I never seem to have enough time to do anything, even when I start cutting things I usually do from my schedule.

It's bad when it gets to the point that it feels like the very prospect of going to class conflicts with work for that class itself. Let alone the other two classes.

It is strange to say that I actually like doing this work, even with the realization that I would be enjoying it twice as much as I am now if I actually had say, another week or so.

But such is life.