Dream Post #44? or #46?

In parts from last night:

- I start work at a new job... at an arcade in the middle of what looks like some part of Sunnyvale? My boss is Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad (although I don't realize it until after I wake up - it's the voice), and he tells me that I'm pretty much free to slack off and play Pacman whenever I want to. For some reason the Pacman game in the arcade doesn't feel like normal Pacman, but I can't figure out why. I start feeling like I'm not getting enough work and end up leaving at some point.

- Walking past a fenced community (same city) on the other side of which I can see the roots and sewage, or roots of sewage? branch out from the community's ground into the exterior environment, resulting in a bunch of dead looking trees and walls outside. But the inside looks nice and pristine. I pass by a really nice looking playground and swing-set, although I'm paranoid that the adults on it are swinging too high - I've always had this paranoid fear of people swinging too high off a swing-set and falling off.

- Miki and Justin are back! and I see that Miki has brand new fancy red car parked next to mine.... with a really long wagon handle extending out from the top of the trunk. She demonstrates to me how she can push the car around the parking lot with the handle as if the car is a lawn mower or a vacuum cleaner, but I'm afraid she's going to cause a car accident at the speed she's going, because it's still a car.

Later on, Miki, Justin, Kyrie, and some other folks I don't remember sneak into Oprah's closet that looks more like a store, in the middle of a strip mall. My mom happens to be a security guard and walks in with me following her as I'm afraid they might get caught, but I notice that they've hidden themselves inside the backpacks and suitcases.

Later on I'm at home running after Kyrie in a game of tag (and what the freak Kyrie's running so fast I swear she's going to break something) and I hear from the television that Oprah has died from being poisoned, and I wonder if the sneak-in from earlier has anything to do with it. Except the name called out from the TV is Ochah Malfoy, but I recognize it as Oprah anyway.

- (dream after sleeping again after being woken up by alarm) - I'm in a new English class with Ryan and some IV folks that is in a room that looks oddly converted from the chapel at my elementary school. It's bring your own book to class first day and Ryan and I have novelizations of the recent Spiderman movie.

Erica is sitting in front of us, and she says, "Thanks guys, but I think Heart of Darkness is a little too below my reading level," as she pulls out that book plus a bunch of children's picture books from her backpack. Hearing her comment, the teacher snatches Heart of Darkness from Erica's desk leaving her with only the picture books.

And then I'm woken up by Wes knocking on the door.

Stars concert impressions

Setlist

favorite moments of the night:
- Torquil: "No one's loved us like you have, SF. This is for you." leading right into Ageless Beauty
- Dancing to We Don't Want Your Body
- Turning the mic to the audience for us to yell out the ending lines to Your Ex-lover is Dead. and the violin!
- Amy's "whoops" lyrical slip-up in the middle of Look Up. You could see Torquil trying not to laugh while singing his lines in response.
- everyone jumping during Hold on When You Get in Love and Let Go When You Give It
- the light/percussion sequence at the end of Walls
- One More Night during the encore. THEY ACTUALLY PLAYED IT! It is so much better live.
- The audience singing along to what felt like most of the songs? But Your Ex-lover is Dead, Elevator Love Letter, and One More Night in particular. It always feels magical whenever those songs are playing. I can't recall another concert that had so much singing-along going on.

and other things:
- The girl standing behind me sang along out loud for a good number of the songs, and it was a bit distracting because her voice was a little whiny sounding. -_-
- she left for a few songs, but then the guy who was standing behind her started singing out loud also in a similarly whiny sounding voice. I tried edging sideways a bit so I could hear the band better but didn't exactly have much success. sigh.
- I got thrown off for a second when Torquil replaced "The Velvet Underground" with "The Digital Underground" in Soft Revolution. Keeping up with the times, I guess.
- I'm actually not that big of a fan of Do You Want to Die Together? (the lyrics are weird.) and Take Me To The Riot, but their live versions were good enough to sing along with anyway.
- The only songs I was missing at the end were Set Yourself On Fire, and perhaps Sleep Tonight (the trumpet! I miss the trumpet!), but maybe some other time. if Stars ever does a greatest hits kind of concert, I will definitely go, even if it means going all the way to Canada for it, heh.
- Free posters on the way out! The last time I was at The Fillmore, they were giving them out too... Is this just typical of that venue? They have the venue name and date labeled on them.
- I mentioned before to some people that the single (Hold on...) was my favorite song from the new album, but in light of this concert and a serious relisten, I think I like Walls, The Theory of Relativity, and The Loose Ends Will Make Knots more. That might not make as much sense since they didn't even play the last song at the concert, but yeah.
- This is the first concert I've been to where I recognized every single song that played. Achievement Unlocked!... just kidding.

This was probably my favorite concert of all the concerts I've been to. Stars has a really good stage presence, and I love seeing Torquil and Amy interact during their songs (especially considering the duet style a lot of their songs have). They just look like they're having so much fun in the process. It was a really rewarding experience for a fan that's been following them for years - just to see them still alive and going strong. I feel like my view of the experience might be a bit colored as a fan, though (since I was really emotionally invested in this concert compared to usual) - I'm curious how it was for newer fans.

If my impressions are any indication though, I still heavily favor their older songs to their newer ones. I mean, The North is still a decent album, but it still doesn't quite hold a candle to most of Set Yourself on Fire or some of their other older songs in terms of memorability for me. That said, I do like it more than their last album, which felt a little too overproduced, so I think I enjoyed this concert more than if I would've if I'd seen them two years ago anyway.

I'll admit, though, it's hard to beat the heights that SYOF set - so I feel a bit mixed every time a new album comes out, with the sense of "oh, this is pretty good... but not as good as it could've been." I don't really know how to describe it; like it's one thing to be catchy and well-made, but Stars' older songs have a certain quality that doesn't seem to be there as much in their newer stuff ... (more restrained and less overly dramatic?) although The North feels closer to their older style than the last album did, anyway. I think I just need to appreciate the effort they've been putting into their newer stuff though, since they're still trying to make new material after all these years at least. If they keep up this trend, I hope their next work will be even better.

It does make me wonder, though - perhaps next time if I see them again, I might find whatever songs that return from this album on that tour just as nostalgically refreshing as well.

As an aside, I also found out that Torquil played the voice of Bill Badger from Rupert, a cartoon I used to watch on Nickelodeon as a kid (and made a tumblr post about earlier this year!). I tried re-watching a clip from that series, and holy crap I wouldn't have been able to recognize that character as him no matter how I tried.

Stars and happy-sounding depressing music

Stars is playing in SF tomorrow!!! I don't think I've been this excited for an event in a long time. I mean, all of the other concerts this year were good and all, but none of them have been playing for me on repeat over the last 7 years as much as Stars has. Even though their last couple of albums haven't been as great. But I haven't been able to focus all day in excitement for tomorrow, even though I was able to get by the past few days completely fine. -_-

I've been following the setlist from their tour this year so far and I'm kinda sad (okay, VERY sad) that it looks they won't be playing Set Yourself on Fire or One More Night (I guess since they were played really often on past tours) so I tided myself over in the meantime by watching their live versions on youtube. I should've bought tickets when they were touring two years ago and Harrison saw them. Oh well.

I've been noticing a trend in a lot of my favorite music tending to sound happy or mellow (major, Ryan? :P), but with cynical or morbid lyrics. I don't usually notice the lyrics when I first hear a song, but then I find myself really liking them... even though they aren't exactly happy.. I feel like it reflects my outlook on life sometimes. See, in Stars' case:

Elevator Love Letter:
I'll take her home after midnight
And if she likes, I'll tell her lies
How we'll be in love by the morning
I don't think she knows
That I'm saying good bye

Your Ex-lover is Dead:
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm sorry there's nothing to say

The Magnetic Fields have a few songs also...

You Must Be Out of Your Mind:
I want you crawling back to me
Down on your knees, yeah
Like an appendectomy
Sans anesthesia
You think you can leave the past behind
You must be out of your mind
If you think you can simply press rewind
You must be out of your mind, son

Take Ecstasy With Me:
You had a black snowmobile
We drove out under the northern lights

A vodka bottle gave you those raccoon eyes

We got beat up just for holding hands

Take ecstasy with me, baby 

Take ecstasy with me

(okay, I just love the title)

100,000 Fireflies:

I went out to the forest and caught 

A hundred thousand fireflies

As they ricochet round the room 

They remind me of your starry eyes

Someone else's might not have made me so sad 

But this is the worst night I ever had

'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

You won't be happy with me,

But give me one more chance

You won't be happy anyway

And then of course, there's The Smiths.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out:

And if a double-decker bus 

Crashes into us 

To die by your side 

Is such a heavenly way to die 

And if a ten-ton truck 

Kills the both of us 

To die by your side 

Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine 

Wanted

The Fresh Air interview from yesterday brought up an interesting point with regards to the high frequency of people texting or just being on their phones all the time in our current culture: that this kind of behavior stems psychologically from our desire to know that we are wanted by someone. At least, I can feel it myself. How often do I get momentarily excited myself the moment I hear my phone go off or see the LED light go off, indicating that I have a new e-mail/text message/whichever? (and the disappointment that follows if it's just an e-mail from coursera or some other mass mailing list >_>).

And on that note- what about all of those times where you find out about some event that you haven't been invited to? It always makes me somewhat uncomfortable to hear about such things before and after the fact, even though it happens all the time anyway. Even though I probably wouldn't have gone to a lot of these events anyway, the notion of being invited is good enough, because it at least lets me know that other people want to see and hang out with me. Just as getting a text message is good enough, because it reminds me that people want to talk to me.

This kind of thinking... it's so self-centered. It's all about looking for reassurance that I'm wanted, that I'm needed, that I have enough worth and value to be in other people's lives. And if none of that happens, then it reflects badly on me as a person because I'm probably either a bad friend or a bad person or I just happen to suck at keeping in touch with people or all of the above. I've even heard this come out of other people's mouths with regards to why person x is never invited to events and so on. It's a route that's well paved to lead to depression in the long run.

I struggled a lot with this myself. Having to invite myself to other people's events after hearing about it over the grapevine; wondering if they'd forgotten me or if they just didn't want to hang out with me in the first place, even though they were pretty nice around me anyway. Always seeing them instant message each other  offhand while my own windows were bare, because I didn't like initiating such things myself, but I'd still wonder what was wrong with me anyway. Hearing them talk about past or future events in front of me that I hadn't been invited to. Eventually I just grew fed up and stopped seeing them for a while altogether, although to them it probably didn't feel like such a long time considering how infrequently I was around them anyway.

And ironically, months later, I still hang out with some of them once in a while now anyway, because things just worked out in a weird way like that. I kind of always knew how trivial a lot of my worries were, but I still let them get to me anyway. And it's funny how even now it still gets to me once in a while, when I already should know better.

It's stupid how often we worry about such things, when there are people out there who have few friends to count on because of their current situation, because of a mental illness, because of a disability, or because of some other issue. I'm reminded of it every once in a while because someone very close to me is in that position... and I realize how blessed I am to have the experiences I've been able to have. My anxiety about my social self-worth is nothing in the big scheme of things.

Labels

Currently in the processing of retroactively tagging all of the posts on this blog with labels. For some reason I feel the need to explain the categories since they're being made somewhat haphazardly.

Dreams: All of the dreams I have logged on here. After a certain point I started numbering the dream-related posts because there's so many of them now, although apparently the numbering is off by one and I haven't bothered to figure out where the culprit post is.

Thoughts: Random thoughts that are milling about in my head at the time, preferably stuff that doesn't fit in the other subcategories of thoughts that I have (but a lot of it ends up overlapping anyway because I can't decide). The subcategories technically are thoughts also, but some of the posts in them are topically specific enough that I feel like leaving them separate from general thoughts. Some of the differences feel a bit arbitrary though.

Reflection: Thoughts or anything else about myself, pretty much.

Events: Current stuff going on in my life.

People: Thoughts about friendship/relating with other people, and so on. I was seeing a big enough trend in some posts to make a specific label for this.

Quotes: Quotes from other people that I found memorable enough to put on here. I feel tempted to steal some from the old quote wall that is currently hosted on Nathan's notes at some point, in the case that Facebook somehow disappears (although if that ever does happen this blog will likely have disappeared too. >_>)

God: Thoughts about God, Christianity, religion, and so on.

Blog: Posts about the creation/management of blogs and this blog. Yes, I like being meta.

Manga, Anime, Games, Music,  Books, TV, Movies, Work, Learning, and Lists: my obsessions.

an exposition

"How can you not know your own religion?"

I don't know how long it's been now, but those words (paraphrased or remembered incorrectly? maybe.) from a friend still stick out in my head. A comment on how the general trend in American culture is towards anti-intellectualism and people just not knowing the details of what they're supposed to believe, and how in some perverse sense it's actually encouraged in some places. It's been said that if people actually knew the controversial stuff that the Bible says sometimes, or actually read it for real, there would probably be a lot less "Christians" in the world. And that there's a trend that the more educated a society is in general, the less religious people are? I don't find it hard to believe.

Lately I've been growing rather preoccupied with... well, being "right" so to speak, although that sounds kinda petty when I think about it. I worry a lot about getting things wrong about God, about the way I'm supposed to be living - if there really is such a concrete thing like that - and about the truth in general. A lot of the questions that nonbelievers and others ask do get to me, even if I don't really have an answer or end up being silent about them because I haven't educated myself on the topic at hand. When I acknowledged this to a friend, I was asked - why haven't I tried to learn?

So for the past few years I've been trying to educate myself more on particular subjects, such as Christian history and theology and other writings, and the nature of the differences between the different denominations and churches, and why they exist in the first place - hopefully looking more into other religions in the future (although Perspectives was a good experience. :) ). This is partly because of my own personal doubts, and partly because of a felt need to know exactly where I stand on these issues and why I do, because such knowledge affects the choices I make in the future as well as how I approach everything from politics to my relationships with other people to the church I commit to.

I'll probably be updating more on where I am in later posts, just to keep track of where I'm going. But for now, I guess to provide some background and be more explicit on what's mulling in my head, a list of thought points... which I always seem to end up doing. I would try to make it flow more like an essay, but my mind tends towards random discrete points anyway.

• I went to a non-denominational church and a private Christian school based out of that church up through middle school, both predominantly white. Non-denominational by definition means not adhering to a particular denomination, but in practice (at least in the OC) implies Protestant, evangelical, typically reflective of the conservative beliefs you would find on the right in America.
• I've given a brief testimony/summary before to some people (and Perspectives/Hospitality Team when I was in them) regarding high school going into college and then IV, and I don't feel like writing out the specifics here cause it'd take too long to detail again. If you want to know, just ask me sometime. 
• I guess a simple way to sum up my progression thus far would be that the perspectives I've seen of my friends and others throughout high school and college have largely shaped or influenced my beliefs till now. I think the other Ryan is the only person out of my closest friends who is currently Christian. IV in most respects was more of a secondary community for me than a primary one, and it was difficult to keep going sometimes.
• With regards to politics - I don't believe that the particulars of religious morality (specifically addressing gay marriage, abortion, etc.) should be enforced on people who aren't believers. That said, I don't feel very strongly on whether or not they are sins to begin with - it really depends on the context for me. I also dislike how often Christians seem to make it necessary to vote religious preferences into politics - it's like no one believes in separation of church and state.
• I tend to have a moderate-liberal bias when it comes to most issues now (although I don't feel informed enough on the economic side of things yet), regardless or in spite of my religion. In some ways the more left-leaning option just sounds more justifiable to me, practically speaking. [I wish we had a better option than the current two party system, and if anything the Democratic party isn't left enough. I had a hard time paying attention to the debates yesterday, but what sense I could make of it was depressing to watch. I also feel bad for Lehrer even though he did kind of... not do so well.]
• This is probably true of a lot of people, but I often don't like being classified as an "other," as a "Christian" in the same sentence with mainstream political Christians and such, when I don't feel like I have that much in common with them, even though I should own up to the fact that our belief system is of the same root.
• As said last time, I don't entirely know where I stand in relation to the denominations right now. I find myself agreeing with a lot of Eastern Orthodox theology... in principle, at least, and leaning further away from standard Protestant or specifically Calvinist theology (I don't think I could be Catholic, but that's another story). But I still feel most at home in a more progressive and diverse Protestant community, and I don't entirely like the Orthodox claim to being the one true church, when officially even the Catholic church doesn't consider them outside anymore. Last I checked, anyway. 
• My last post on being skeptical about testimonies was particularly directed at the experiences found in charismatic/Pentecostal church settings. That said, I admire the amount of passion that they seem to have in worshiping God - I kinda wish I had the capacity to do so in the same magnitude.
• One of my bigger struggles for the longest time now has been with trying to discern whether or not I actually love God. I don't know if I do so much. I don't feel that my actions thus far have reflected any real sense of loving... God, in part because I find it hard to relate to someone who for the most part comes across as more unknowable the more I try to know him, even if that is to be expected. 
• That said, I haven't really been doing a good job of committing and being faithful either, which may partly factor into it. It's part of the reason why I feel (and have felt in the past) so reluctant to actually be a discipler or small group leader for other people, because I don't feel strong enough in my own faith to be able to effectively lead other people spiritually. [I know, God's known for using people in spite of having such kinds of weaknesses... I just don't see myself conforming very well to the progression of a church/community and being honest at the same time, though.]
• My small group leader asked me awhile back why I was Christian, to which I didn't have much of an answer outside of because it felt right. Because for some reason right now, I can't make myself not believe in the resurrection and that Jesus's path is right, at least; it's the reverse issue of those atheists who say that they can't just make themselves believe in God. I tend to agree with them there in that belief isn't just something you force to happen, although I disagree with the subset of people who think that we're delusional for believing anyway. 
• That said, part of me always second-guesses myself and wonders how much of this is me wanting to believe vs. actually believing for a good reason. I guess the requisite question would be, what can change the nature of a belief? Which almost always has boiled down to personal experience for most people, so far as I'm aware. I don't entirely know what to make of mine so far.
• The other big struggle for me as been in regards to the status of nonbelievers, considering that most of my closer friends are that. I find it hard to accept stories of people being "convinced" through some experience or vision of Jesus somehow, considering that I know people who desperately wanted to believe in him and just wound up... not believing because they couldn't. Or used to and now no longer - and I don't really buy into the idea of "once saved, always saved" that comes out of Calvinism. It makes me reflect on my own experience - wondering why I feel okay with accepting some things that other people just can't. 
• I have a lot of respect for professed ex-Christians (or ex-anything, actually). I think it takes a lot of courage, honesty, and integrity to be able to admit to yourself that you don't actually believe, cause the whole process of losing that aspect of your belief system (and knowing what that might mean if it were actually true) and making that known to your peers strikes me as one of the most terrifying experiences you could possibly have. 
• "I am not saved; I am in the process of being saved" is probably my favorite teaching from the Eastern perspective. I feel that it reflects my experience more accurately than other concepts I've heard of salvation. 
• "So... do you ever have fun?" - Erin, when I talked to her on related stuff recently. Yeah. back to that.

on doubt

double post.

It makes me wonder, you know. How vastly different this experience is for a lot of people. When I read people's testimonies, especially the ones that go on about how much God was working here and there, there's a part of me that wonders how real it is. Like, I guess it'd be nice if it were true, but is it, fully, entirely, really?

I guess you could extrapolate that to most of what we talk about in Christianity in general. In some ways I feel like my heart's been hardened (Christianese, I know... can't think of a better way to put it >_>) to a lot of the stuff that get said here over time. You have to approach it with a certain mindset that's willing to accept the things that people say and believe at face value, in spite of the fact that people tend to be known for embellishing the truth or exaggerating when the situation fits it, or even lying to themselves. Maybe because I've been feeling self-conscious of all the times I've been guilty and done the same myself, and wondering, if I could do it that easily, what's not to say that other people haven't been doing it too?

I still don't know where I stand on a lot of this. I'm somewhere in-between, half-wanting to believe but still second-guessing a lot of what I see. Couldn't it all just be just convenient coincidences? And if you answer with the usual - faith, trust in God - why? Why does God value it so much?

Sometimes I feel like the main reason I still stick around is because I can't shake this feeling, inside somewhere, that this is real, against my other senses. I still can't bring myself to fully trust God and go much further than that, which is why I still feel somewhat like an outsider whenever I am around. Why I feel more at home when I'm outside the room than when I'm in. Why I feel so resistant to fully committing to a church, to worship, to a particular theology, to a denomination, to a belief system, to anything in general.

The more I read, the more I learn, the more perspectives I see, the more I find myself distancing from what I believed and thought I knew, to the point where I just throw my hands up and am just left with a bunch of unanswered questions. Sometimes I feel like that's what this life is, or what God intended it to be. Just a bunch of unanswered questions.

I admire people who are much stronger than me in what they believe and have the courage to say and do something good and meaningful about it. I don't feel anywhere close to being at that point right now, in spite of what others might have told me in the past - and I've been mostly silent on this for a while. I think I've grown too accustomed to being paralyzed and indecisive, and leaving the choices out there for another day... like all of the other big decisions in life. Procrastinating on God himself.

I should start taking some real risks for once, though, and not just mope about everyday looking for the next big entertaining distraction to come along. Distractions can only turn away attention from the sickness, from the emptiness for a while, while it continues to grow and fester inside. And honestly, every so often when the distraction is gone, especially when I'm at church and have trouble paying attention (because the sermon doesn't always flow in a way that my mind can follow), I can feel it.

A slow, dull, deadening inside.

I think I'm overdue for a new journal.