anticipation

Because I look ahead in terms of lists.

upcoming:
- finally finishing this Reactive Programming class
- the Scottish Exhibition at the de Young before it closes
- finally visiting the Legion of Honor and the Asian Art Museum
- SF Silent Film Festival
- the Thai Temple at Berkeley
- A Little Night Music
- week-long Python Training at work
- Distant Worlds LA
- Christine & Scott's wedding
- family China trip (Beijing -> Xian -> Guilin/Yangshuo -> Shanghai. mostly touristy.)
- coming back to Pokemon: Symphonic Evolutions
- Matilda round 2
- Durarara!!x2 Ten
- The Look of Silence release (followup to The Act of Killing)

book list:
- White Teeth
- Infinite Jest
- The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat and Other Clinical Tales
- Indonesia, Etc
- Snow Crash
- Titus Groan
- The Resurrection of the Son of God
- The Moth
- The Once and Future King
- The Conquest of Gaul
- Midnight
- short stories: O'Connor, Saunders, some more Lovecraft
- and maybe War and Peace before the end of this year -_-

Games
- Technobabylon
- finally finishing Pillars of Eternity and Broken Age
- Life is Strange per Ryan's request
- The Witcher 3? (yeah right, ain't got time for that.)

Toss in work, work outside of work, unexpected distractions and other life priority stuff, and I'll get through maybe 50% of the above. (...50% being the top half that is.)

To follow up from last time, I had a bad people hangover headache most of today almost to the point of wanting to throw up (to be fair I probably should've not tried to schedule so much in 2.5 days- I was already exhausted at the end of the first day) and wasn't able to function much other than lying down with my eyes closed for good chunks of the morning/afternoon- which was slightly ameliorated by a revolving sushi family lunch and then watching brother play Donkey Kong 64 throughout the day, a game that I never was able to finish growing up and don't really care to anymore. Great game though.

Anyway, yes the people disappointment continued as usual, but I noticed a lot of it this time was more due to my inability to be fully present when I'm tired and in a rush (no duh), which was not helped by the sleeping problems I've been having lately. (Example: I was fatigued all day today and now I'm wide awake. and I have to wake up in 5 hours knowing that I will likely be tired at work most of tomorrow too... and I have dinner plans after again.)

And while this weekend was an extreme case of it, this generally is more applicable to the other times in the past too. Which is to say, I get tired from social interaction pretty fast even though I like who I'm hanging out with and will often try to extend that time as long as possible- sometimes beyond what I'm actually capable of handling. Time constraints are a blessing as much as they are a curse.

So anyway, instead of trying to feverishly complete the above to-do list, I'm hoping to tone things down a bit this summer and just... rest, for once. And by rest I mean not worry about being frantically productive in the times when I'm alone, and by frantically productive I mean ticking things off my entertainment and work to-do list and worrying about how much time I don't have.

Learning to look at and re-purpose "wasted time", the time spent breathing, resting, reflecting, contemplating, as time well-spent and well-lived. And remembering that I need to actually make time for these things too or else I'll go crazy.

It's been awhile.

I've had a few posts drafted in the past few months since the last one, but with time and other distractions and ongoing life events (work in and out of work; doctor's appointments and physical therapy- no I'm not dying, I just have knee and skin issues; family visiting for a week and commandeering my car; Pillars of Eternity and that One Piece mobile game my Cisco friends have gotten me addicted on; and so on) and an increasing dissatisfaction with anything I write nowadays, none of them have come to pass.

So I'm going to settle for this one instead concerning moments past unreflected.
This may be a bit messier than usual.

---

"So, why aren't you happy?"

To be honest, I have trouble answering questions like this on the spot because a truthful answer requires powers of reflection and self-awareness that I am poorly skilled at drawing upon within a span of a dinner conversation. With the help of time passing since, I can probably think of a few things now compounded on each other:

1. I experience this recurring feeling of dissatisfaction whenever I hang out with people I don't often see nowadays. I could probably reduce this to some abstract statement like "time doesn't suffice," which is annoying because I don't even know what it is I expect from these one-on-one's or one-on-two's (for certain couples lol) nowadays. A deep conversation about life, the universe, and everything, which sounds vapid the way I'm writing it right now?

I used to have these kinds of conversations a lot back during college, but they often contributed to sleep loss because one night wouldn't be enough to encapsulate the kinds of things I liked to talk about, and we'd end up talking till 7 am... (Perhaps I'm just not efficient about getting to the point, but just thinking about that makes me feel rushed and anxious and could trigger a whole other discussion about busy-ness and the need to slow down.) It's even worse now because with people you don't see regularly, you have to play the catch-up game, and the span of an hour or two or three (because I can't do all-nighters anymore and Ryan's always sleep-deprived whenever I talk to him) sometimes isn't enough to encapsulate everything you might want to talk about that's happened to you in the past month or few months or six months or year or several-years for some people, possibly.

And with other people, sometimes you realize that there isn't that much to catch up over because you inhabit different social worlds, and your lives have become less relevant because you don't share a lot of things in common anymore (cue discussion on fear of becoming irrelevant). Case example: feeling removed from the context of friends who live in SF even though I end up going to SF every few weekends anyway. Then again, I don't think it'd be much different if I lived in SF as most of the people I know there are into things I have no apparent interest in anyway*, and I'm happy with where I live now. (*I say apparent because I occasionally lapse into brief obsessions with things I had no past interest in before. Last week it was shoes and now I find myself sneaking peeks at the shoes worn by every person I pass by. I think Wes might've finally rubbed off on me a little haha.)

And then there's the part where you say goodbye, and the other person says something that makes you realize they don't expect to talk or see you around for a while either... because you haven't been regularly talking to them begin with, so why would anything change now? And I could elaborate more on this and how I don't really initiate conversations with most people even when I do want to talk to them, but every attempt I've made so far has regressed into a rant about personal insecurities and how much I hate instant messaging and Hangouts even though I still use it (because if I quit, I'd just lose touch with the people I still am in touch with), and how lack of response when I've initiated with certain people has sometimes made me depressed enough to the point where I physically couldn't work- well okay, that's a whole other story.

What it comes down to, I guess, is that sometimes I find myself wondering if it's worth keeping up with people anymore, if I keep feeling this dissatisfied all the time. I mean, I still treasure the time we do spend together... but is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my life? A series of increasingly infrequent interactions until we disappear from each other's lives altogether due to irrelevance (or one of us dies), like the relationships I've already lost to time? Is it really worth the silent heartbreak?

2. "My priorities are not in sync with my actions." - from another conversation. Speaks for itself.

3. That one time I was told someone didn't like me at all because we had nothing in common. The fact is that a lot of the people I've wanted to befriend in the past actually had nothing or little in common with me to begin with (maybe part of the reason why I found them interesting in the first place?). Since the above happened, I don't really bother to initiate such things anymore, but this still bothers me sometimes.

4. Other things I still don't care to post on here right now because I don't feel like blogging is the best outlet for them at the moment and I experience a mental block even trying to discuss them in person with people I'm close to.

So... how do you explain this succinctly to the person you just spent the last hour catching up with?

---

Well okay, considering it took me 7 hours to write this post, I don't think it's possible (and I'm not even satisfied with what I wrote). And apologies for the cynicism, but this is how my mind operates when I don't have it on auto-filter. I've been finding lately that hiding such thoughts just leads to increased apathy and a deadening inside more than anything. My intention in writing this is the opposite.

If you discounted people and relationships I'd say I'm actually pretty content with the way life is right now, as I don't have much else to complain about even with a sucky knee problem... but those are major things to discount from a life. And as tempting as breaking off contact with all people sounds, I don't really intend to do so.

things to order at Jayakarta

Just visited again last weekend and I forgot that there were things I wanted to try there from the last few times I went... note to self, check this next time.

Menu

appetizers:
- otak-otak
- martabak telor
- pangsit goreng

regular dishes:
- bihun
- mie tek-tek (or mie goreng. this is the only place I've seen that does bimie?)
- capcay
- ayam kalasan
- kangkung belacan
- lontong cap go meh
- rendang daging
- sate ayam/kambing/sapi
- pepes ikan
- plain nasi uduk

how did I not see this on the menu:
- gado-gado
- soto ayam/babat/betawai
- ikan bakar
- telor bali
- bakmi ayam
- baso kuah

dessert:
- es teler
- es cendol

when they're in stock:
- bakcang
- risoles

Can't wait till family visits again so we can order ALL OF THIS.

Chinese New Year (but not really.)

published on medium per request.

Chinese New Year is coming this week!

Okay, so I'm not really that excited about it. My family has never really participated much in the celebration of it outside of finding it an excuse to eat out [at a most-likely-Cantonese restaurant because we can't get enough of any place that happens to serve pan-fried Hong-Kong style seafood noodles].

...for the record, in case you didn't know already, I'm Chinese-Indonesian (and technically mostly/like 98% Chinese). For some reason people keep thinking I'm Japanese because of my last name (actually an elderly Japanese lady even mistook my dad for one when we were in Hawaii; I guess it runs in the family), except that if my last name really were Japanese, there'd be a vowel between the r and the s, as in the bastardized Japanese spelling of my last name that I used that one year I took Japanese: スワルサ (su-wa-ru-sa). I guess it doesn't help that I actually am into a lot of things Japan-related.

That fact often leads me to feeling in a odd sort of state of what-would-you-call-it racial limbo. 

So back in the old days (from what I remember being told anyway- I can't 100% vouch for the accuracy of the following) everyone in my family used to get a full Chinese name, except that sometime during the 1950-60's the Indonesian government instated a new policy that forced all Chinese in Indonesia to change their names to an Indonesian one, and hence the state of my current last name that my grandpa decided to adopt; otherwise my last name would've been Li. (One of my uncles was living in Germany at the time so he was able to get away with keeping his name, and hence everyone in our family still calls him by his Chinese name). 

This also meant that everyone born after my parent's generation no longer received a Chinese name, and the government also closed down the Chinese schools while they were still in the elementary school years so that no one could effectively speak or read Chinese either. Indonesia basically became very racially antagonistic to Chinese during those years- such as the violent anti-Communist/Chinese genocide of 1965 as discussed in sources like the documentary The Act of Killing that I saw a couple of years ago- whose effects are still felt today (the government today includes people who participated in and have never formally apologized for it- which is what happens when history is dictated by the winners).What this all amounts to is that for as long as I've known, I've always felt sort of... divorced from my Chinese heritage, to the point where my friends today just basically say that I'm not Chinese. Culturally speaking, I guess they have a point.

But if I would believe the actions and events of the past, I wouldn't exactly be considered "Indonesian" either. I've met actual native Indonesian people in Indonesia, and my family and I don't really look much like any of them... although I also learned recently that are also a ton of widely different ethnic groups represented across the entire country- more than 300 of which 95% are considered "native".

If anything, "Chinese Indonesian" is probably the most accurate labeling, considering that they do have a significant subculture within Indonesia that shouldn't be ignored, with their own cuisine and everything that I realized from this last trip comprises most of the home/restaurant food I've been exposed to. That, and just about every Indonesian I've met in the States is actually of Chinese descent as well. (The natives don't seem to come out to the US apparently... although I might venture to say that the Chinese families in Indonesia are more likely wealthy enough to make the trip over here.)

Either way, this divorce itself leads a lot to my feeling distanced from most of the ethnic communities I've seen or experienced here. There isn't much a Chinese-Indonesian immigrant community near where my parents lived in California*; I grew up going to majority white schools in the heart of Orange County, and hence it was pretty rare for us to ever actually run into other people of like-descent, and most people we met would mistake us for some generic brand of Asian anyway... except probably not Chinese. When one of my friends back then started making racist comments about Chinese people and I brought myself up, he said he considered me Indonesian so I didn't count... which wasn't really saying anything about Indonesians other than the fact that he didn't know anything about them.

In high school I inadvertently found myself around a lot of Vietnamese people (considering we lived right next to Little Saigon- Westminster) and at one point even accidentally walked right into a Vietnamese Student Association meeting during lunch while talking to some friends and wound up sitting there just because, lol. In college this switched to a lot of mostly Chinese friends, from whom I've gotten a better sense of what it's really like to be Chinese-American in America, hearing their stories of growing up and lot more of the issues current among them today**. At the same time, I find it difficult to participate in the same conversations if only for the fact that I wasn't exposed to a lot of the same in-group cultural issues growing up (other than the obvious stereotypical drive to do academically better than most people... and I guess whatever experiences that come about from being lumped with Asian people).

I get chided or made fun of every so often for not knowing basic Chinese things in spite of my descent: not knowing the correct pronunciation of (or rather just straight up not knowing) words and phrases from a language I was never taught or exposed to; not really celebrating Chinese holidays or traditions; eating what essentially is "bastardized" Chinese food; the fact that the only reason I can recognize Chinese characters is because I took Japanese, and rather later in life at that ("you're learning it from the wrong direction man"); all this coming from Chinese-Americans by the way and not even native Chinese- and all this to the point where sometimes I feel like the bastard son whose family ostracizes him for not being born the same way everyone else did. Oh wait, that's how it's always been historically anyway, so that's okay, right?

If I didn't know any better, I would say from all of these experiences that I'm glad I'm not really a member of a conceited culture that seems to pride itself on being "original" and "superior" to everyone else, that prioritizes honor and merit and appearances at the expense of individual choice and emotional well-being and god damn it other words that I can't even formulate properly because I haven't had the upbringing and experiences and cultural exposure and context to even be able to word it correctly and this rambling thought shows how much I've internalized its repulsive sense of racial supremacism. I would just flat out say I'm glad I'm not really Chinese after all-

...because if I were to admit any desire to legitimately be one, I'd be acknowledging my inferiority to all of those assholes who've called me otherwise.

But the reality is, upbringing or not, my ethnic identity is what it is. I'm proud of my cultural heritage; I think the food of my people is delicious; I find my family's history fascinating; and I'm glad my experience is unique relative to most of my friends and yet traceable back to a culture that I can still relate to and appreciate in many other senses I can't fully describe here. (I've also felt more at home culturally among Chinese-Americans than any other community I know- oddly in some respects moreso than Chinese-Indonesian-Americans, but that's another story and more likely the result of spending most of my conscious adult life among them... and the fact that I rarely run into the latter anyway).

If there's anything that pisses me off in life, it's to have one's identity- mine or anyone else's- derided as fundamentally inferior and denied its self-worth and right to be acknowledged like any other. A lot of people in my circles tend to be vocal about these kinds of issues to the extent that even I sometimes have grown tired of hearing about things like "ethnic identity and racial reconciliation" (my small group in college lol), but the fact is that their voices and concerns do matter and do need to be heard, because people in our society struggle with these issues all the time, regardless of whether or not anyone hears them speak up about it. My story may be unique in its inflections, but it's also common in the same way as anyone else who's had their identity denied to their face, whether it be from strangers or their own communities or their own families or even internally within themselves after being told so by all of the former.

You may say I'm just overreacting to a lot of words spoken in jest by my friends, and that I'm not really being inconvenienced much by any of this- because everyone's a little bit racist, right?- but my own personal feelings aside, I think resorting to that kind of a response sets a dangerous precedent when there are actual ongoing issues and discussions stemming from the clash of races and cultures today- whether it be the recent premiere of the series Fresh Off The Boat that pervaded my Facebook feed earlier this month, the surge of protests in the last few years due to incidents between black males and the police, the shootings instigated by radical Islamists in Europe and the backlash against Muslim communities, and so on.

Okay, so I know my personal issues are not on the same level as all of the above, but I believe that they do all stem from something fundamentally broken and yet characteristically human in all of us: that ubiquitous barrier we experience when interacting with a culture or way of life that appears both fundamentally alien and yet still somehow reminiscent of our own. I am of Chinese descent and yet at the same time culturally something else (Chinese-Indonesian-American-what-have-you), and a lot of people in my life don't know how to react to that other than just flat out telling me that I'm not Chinese at all. And to be honest, it hurts sometimes, to be denied a part of your own heritage. But I know better than to go on listening to them and agonizing over it.

tl;dr: Racism sucks. But races themselves are awesome. Be glad for who you are and what you've inherited, don't let anyone else's words make you think any less of yourself for it, and don't think any less of other people for theirs either.  

While not technically on the same subject, I'll end with a quote from this article that I was reminded of while writing this:

We are in a dangerous place when people can be told, to their faces, that they are not real—that their identities make no sense, and that they are impossible Americans.

---

*aside: don't quote me on this, but I think the Indo communities are generally where the food is- like West Covina, and south-South Bay. I say this because almost every Indo restaurant I've been to in California carries copies of the same magazine that lists all the Indonesian restaurants in the state, and those are where the restaurants are. That it's even possible to list off all those restaurants in a single periodical shows how relatively small the communities are; it also happens to be easier to find Malay restaurants here than Indo ones.***

** I'd recommend my friend Nate's blog - he touches on a lot of these topics really well, from a Christian perspective.

*** Speaking of which, I know I've told people in the past that reading a Malaysian restaurant's menu for me is like reading a bastardized misspelled edition of an Indonesian one (because they use a lot of the same words spelled different - like one of my favorite foods, mie goreng vs mee goreng), but I take that back here. I mean, I like Malaysian food too... just not as much as Indonesian food for the obvious reason being that I was raised on the latter. But it's still great cuisine, and I honestly don't care how they spell their food anyway.

Kishi Bashi + String Quartet

Hearing Kishi Bashi open a set with Manchester by conducting his own string quartet with a baton he pulled out of his pocket (well okay, that may or may not have happened at the beginning, but he did do that later on to everyone's amusement), is probably the most personally euphoric music moment I've ever experienced... since maybe FYF last year anyway, but that was under unusual circumstances. I can't recall the last time I felt so giddy hearing a song performed live, considering that I wasn't even that excited in anticipation before I got there. (in my piss-poor defense, I was sleep deprived and preoccupied with trying to beat Sammy at freaking Trivia Crack. ugh.)

Even better though was to have that followed with a Talking Heads cover (original - This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)), and then later a Beirut cover (original - A Sunday Smile). Probably should've figured since both covers are also on his 7" Singles set; not necessarily so spontaneous like Yo La Tengo pulling off a random Sun Ra cover on the spot just because there happened to be a poster of him in the store.

The most similar or comparable experience that I can think of is Andrew Bird, as both of them are talented at creating music simply by recording themselves while performing or improvising on the spot with different instruments, and then electronically looping those recordings on top of each other, almost like a one-man band/orchestra... only this time with a string quartet as backup. and a guy using a banjo as a percussive instrument. and another female singer. Okay, this analogy isn't really that simple anymore.

It's like going to a classical music concert that's really a psychedelic indie pop gig in disguise with Japanese American overtones... that otherwise makes you feel like a high-class hipster snob because you're sitting most of the time in these fancy cushioned seats in the Palace of Fine Arts (which also has a really nice pavilion in the back that looks inspired by Roman and Greek architecture) instead of standing on the floor like most other concerts. The last time I can recall seriously sitting for a concert was for Godspeed You! the first time around... which also could draw some comparisons to a classical concert.

That said, around the middle everyone got up for an "exercise set" featuring the more energetically danceable songs off of his latest ("...by latest I mean second") album, the aptly mispelled Lighght. There were several opportunities to sing-along with the mic turned on us (the ooh-o-ooh-o-o-o-o-o-oh's from Philosophize With It! Chemicalize With It!- and later on at the end of the concert, the ai-e-ai-e-ai's from It All Began With a Burst) that were fun. And before the last song, after the rest of the performers had left the stage, Kaoru asked the audience permission to improvise something first, and then decided midway through that he liked what he was making so much that he had to record it ("sorry guys, this is really unprofessional... but this is how my albums get made.") Of course, none of us minded; it was really cool to watch.

Everyone came back for an unplugged instrument improvised performance right up close in front of the audience that led into Bright Whites. I'm not sure if it was just the aural/acoustic quality of the theater we were in, but it sounded almost as if the entire audience was humming along the melody with them. It was like we were all collectively sitting in on a comforting campfire folk song.

Only other thing I have to add is that Kaoru is kinda awkward on stage, though in a cute and earnest kind of way, enough so that everyone in the audience laughed along with his nervousness ("I'm swear I'm not high.") and still cheered him even as he was having trouble finishing his scrambled-thought sentence-joke-statements. He said it was partly due to the fact that he's accustomed to having a drummer provide the beat as support rather than trying to improvise conducting a string quartet ("the fact that they're still touring with me..." he never quite finished that statement), on the spot with a metronome on his smartphone that didn't always agree with him.

This wound up being one of my favorite concert experiences, honestly. I haven't felt this alive in a long time.

(Above is from the Chicago concert, which conveys the gist of Manchester done by quartet + Kishi, although the quality obviously doesn't match seeing it live.)

Setlist.

Japan

So I actually typed this up the week after the Japan trip, but put off posting it till now cause I was hoping to maybe add some pics to this desperately long post first... but that never happened, and I doubt I'll find the time to sort through all of them AND post them in one go. I'm busy enough with other stuff as it is.

Instead, I'm leaving that job to the also somewhat-stuck-in-2013 photoblog and putting this up as is. 

Just arrived home on Sunday (11/9) and I already want to go baaaack.

Highlights and other thoughts. This is gonna be a long one.

1. FOOD. SO MUCH FOOD
2. Places
3. Memories
4. Anime/Manga/Video Game merchandise.
5. General notes on traveling:
6. What I'd hit up next time:

Ladybugs

Lately I've been finding couples of ladybugs hanging around the toilet in my bathroom. I smacked one of them only for it to fly-fall onto my pants-leg AHHH MAKE IT STOP.

I'll have a more substantial update later. Between traveling and work and the new Durarara!! and being obsessed with [looking up] books, I haven't had time to do much else... and now I have to wake up for a 6 AM meeting. -_-

Till next time.