count the time, until you're mine
will they ever know?
we can't deny, the world outside
just leaves us cold.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I was looking at my old myspace page that I hadn't bothered to look at for ages and saw this posted on my description:
About me:
---
I'm getting annoyed with how I had all these things planned up for me to do in my spare time, but now that I actually get the time to do them, I don't feel like doing them anymore. Or rather, at the moment. I don't really feel like doing anything besides sitting here and staring at nothing. Life is no fun when you can't share it with people. Ironically though, a good number of these things I want to do are things most other people aren't really interested in anyway.
Sam and Max
The Brothers Karamazov
FFXII
Valkyrie Profile 2
Unlocking all the microgames in WarioWare.
Whatever else that's sitting on my hard drive.
Of course, right now I don't feel like doing any of that. I'm just idle.
---
Whenever I'm alone my mind starts to wonder and I start reliving random scenes in this neverending story of mine that I've been running through my head since elementary school. It's... kinda hard to describe so I'll just randomly pull things out of my head.
a living photo album
memories
black and white
beautiful lights
ageless beauty
a starry night
indie
a blurred shadow
dancing
the stranger.
Bow down to your maker.
I'm living life in a glass jar.
Don't come for me,
don't follow me
I'm happy the way I am-
the treasure that can never be stolen
-Nihilism
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha.
Keep trying all you want,
But I won't let you take this from me.
So bring it on, Death.
About me:
I don't know who I am. Don't ask. But I will say this much.
My life is ruled by uncertainties and whims.
Like a cashew nut. An asylum for wasted opportunities. Lacking virtues. Tactless and tasteless.
These words mean nothing to who I am and what I want to be, because I can never be who I want to be. An image that depends on the way other people perceive me. The letter Z.
I don't really like to talk unless people talk to me first, because I find that most of the things I try to talk about aren't worth talking about. That and I don't give a **** about what I think anymore.
However, I do like listening to people, and I do respond back. So there.
...That basically sums up my life since this summer, although the excitement of Berkeley's blurred the distinctions a bit lately so that I do care a bit more about what I personally think... and I feel better about it. I kinda miss the dorm life experience right now actually, although even that had its quiet moments I guess.---
I'm getting annoyed with how I had all these things planned up for me to do in my spare time, but now that I actually get the time to do them, I don't feel like doing them anymore. Or rather, at the moment. I don't really feel like doing anything besides sitting here and staring at nothing. Life is no fun when you can't share it with people. Ironically though, a good number of these things I want to do are things most other people aren't really interested in anyway.
Sam and Max
The Brothers Karamazov
FFXII
Valkyrie Profile 2
Unlocking all the microgames in WarioWare.
Whatever else that's sitting on my hard drive.
Of course, right now I don't feel like doing any of that. I'm just idle.
---
Whenever I'm alone my mind starts to wonder and I start reliving random scenes in this neverending story of mine that I've been running through my head since elementary school. It's... kinda hard to describe so I'll just randomly pull things out of my head.
a living photo album
memories
black and white
beautiful lights
ageless beauty
a starry night
indie
a blurred shadow
dancing
the stranger.
Bow down to your maker.
I'm living life in a glass jar.
Don't come for me,
don't follow me
I'm happy the way I am-
the treasure that can never be stolen
-Nihilism
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha.
Keep trying all you want,
But I won't let you take this from me.
So bring it on, Death.
It's 12:40 and in spite of my desire to get back to a normal sleeping schedule, I feel like staying up a little tonight. Doing nothing. Or this.
I'm back home again, and it's already been about two days now. Hung out with some friends, did stuff, yada yada. It's a good life. Looking forward to more of it. Maybe see some other people I haven't seen in a while as well.
I left my old computer headphones up at Berkeley because they were already falling apart with superglue attached and I didn't want to see what would happen after another trip with it inside my backpack. So now I'm sorta headphone-less unless I want to use my new walkman headphones, but those give me static on my laptop, which I'm not even using at the moment anyway but whatever.
So to add to the chronicles of my dreaming life, I had two dreams last night.
1. Class of 2003 reunion. Nothing much happened, just remet my old classmates from 4 years ago in a basement like that beneath First Christian Church. Kinda random.
2. This next one is a bit... weird.
The first half involved me infiltrating an underwater complex (what is it with me and reconnaissance missions in dreams lately?) and running into a group of people studying for their Chem 4A final as I went down the central glass elevator (the only reason I made this connection was because Olivia Lam was among them. Sorry Nick, you were nowhere to be found.). I forget what happened after this, some more sneaking around I guess.
The second half I guess took place in an area that happened to be my final destination even though we were no longer in the underground water facility anymore. The first part of that area resembled my backyard at home. There were a bunch of generic little kids playing around on jungle gym equipment that shouldn't normally fit in my backyard in real life while being supervised by some random daycare guy. As I walked away from them to go back to work, the guy suddenly blurted out something like, "The bees enter and exit my honeycombs at a rate of 50 bees per minute!" and all of a sudden I noticed that he had these giant honeycombs hanging off of the back of his head like a headdress, and 50 giant bees suddenly came flying out of them, which made me freak out and run indoors. Oh and the bees simply started pollinating the flowers in the background, but I was too shocked by the fact that there practically were 50 giant bees roaming around my backyard to care much.
...
Indoors, I suddenly went into third person mode (this happens a lot in my dreams) and I saw the central area of my old elementary school where the hopscotch and four square painted lines used to be. However, now there were a bunch of buses lined up along the center of this court, and this black woman came out of the office building, who I somehow knew to be the principal of this school (meaning it wasn't really my old school anymore). After she passed by the buses, she pressed this button that caused all of them to explode, setting off a massive earthquake that rocked the school buildings around it and causing all the alarms to go off.
When I came back to myself, I was now inside the room where the daycare at my old school used to be, and people around me were panicking. I ran down the stairway in this room to the Kindergarten classrooms, since I knew that the courtyard I'd just "seen" lay outside the doors of these classrooms. Instead of opening the doors though, I somehow obtained X-Ray vision and looked through the doors. The buses had somehow disappeared from the area, and the principal lady was standing in the middle, confronted by a group of say 5 people whose backs were facing me. At that moment, the lady walked up to the first person, a little 5 year old black girl in a wheelchair, took out a handgun, and shot the girl in the forehead.
WTF???
At that moment I instinctively ran up the stairs and out the daycare doors towards the parking lot, since I knew that I didn't want to stay anywhere near this psycho-murderous black principal lady.
As this was happening, I suddenly went into third person mode again and saw a TV news report of the incident- "Principal goes insane and sets bomb off at school, goes on murdering spree." or something like that. Then I woke up. Um yeah.
I don't know why, but lately it seems like a lot of my dreams are either really morbid or really violent or some combination of the two. Here's a random recount in no particular order.
1. Jason (my roommate) burying me alive in a crypt to save me from Melissa, who somehow got possessed by an evil spirit and in the process brought about the Apocalypse. Lots of mist and burning buildings by the way.
2. Martin trying to run me over in a giant truck with shotguns after I steal two pillows lying in the middle of a field.
3. Me eating pieces of a dead nun and thinking that it tastes like prime ribs. And the skeletal figure of the nun suddenly coming to life and yelling at my unnamed dinner host for serving her as an entreé.
4. Me trying to fend off attackers in a flooded water park, only to escape into an open field where I now have to fend off against giant flying pterodactyls in turn based combat.
5. Me having to learn to drive backwards in order to escape from a giant robot that tries to crush me in front of my own house.
6. Me trying to floor Harrison at a refugee campfire after he friggin insults me using Radiohead release dates as metaphors for "Ryan sucks." And failing to do so due to a lack of upper body strength.
7. Me driving off of a cliff after missing a curve in a mountainous road on accident.
8. Me having to fight against some murderer who stalks me in a bathroom.
9. Me going around a revolving carnival stand, running into an evil clown like the one from Stephen King's It, and having to run across a street from it before it tries to kill me.
10. A giant Cheep Cheep from the Mario Bros. series jumping into my elementary school and eating everybody I know.
11. Peter going insane and throwing his mom out the window as she comes in with a tray of lemonade and cookies. And then proceeding to attempt to pick up his own house so he can throw it as well.
12. My class getting held hostage by Native Americans during a field trip to a wild western town. I manage to escape before it gets ugly with the help of Whitney Meares, who somehow happens to be the bartender at the Indian Reservation, and I start an online petition to free my classmates back.
13. Me going on my first field trip as a Berkeley student, complete with a yellow school bus, only now to get kidnapped by people in need of UC student labor. Although their idea of student labor happens to be a rehash of Welcome Week activities in the basement of a magical castle.
14. Me participating in a gun raid with this guy from that one movie whose name I forget about Japanese detainment camps in America in order to save my classmates who've been held hostage in the school library. And taking a bathroom break in a toilet stall that appears in the middle of a grassy field.
Uhh yeah by this point they start getting less morbidly violent and more random. I'm starting to see a common thread of having to escape from something before it's too late? or fighting back against something. Hm.
I wonder what dreams I may have tonight...
I'm back home again, and it's already been about two days now. Hung out with some friends, did stuff, yada yada. It's a good life. Looking forward to more of it. Maybe see some other people I haven't seen in a while as well.
I left my old computer headphones up at Berkeley because they were already falling apart with superglue attached and I didn't want to see what would happen after another trip with it inside my backpack. So now I'm sorta headphone-less unless I want to use my new walkman headphones, but those give me static on my laptop, which I'm not even using at the moment anyway but whatever.
So to add to the chronicles of my dreaming life, I had two dreams last night.
1. Class of 2003 reunion. Nothing much happened, just remet my old classmates from 4 years ago in a basement like that beneath First Christian Church. Kinda random.
2. This next one is a bit... weird.
The first half involved me infiltrating an underwater complex (what is it with me and reconnaissance missions in dreams lately?) and running into a group of people studying for their Chem 4A final as I went down the central glass elevator (the only reason I made this connection was because Olivia Lam was among them. Sorry Nick, you were nowhere to be found.). I forget what happened after this, some more sneaking around I guess.
The second half I guess took place in an area that happened to be my final destination even though we were no longer in the underground water facility anymore. The first part of that area resembled my backyard at home. There were a bunch of generic little kids playing around on jungle gym equipment that shouldn't normally fit in my backyard in real life while being supervised by some random daycare guy. As I walked away from them to go back to work, the guy suddenly blurted out something like, "The bees enter and exit my honeycombs at a rate of 50 bees per minute!" and all of a sudden I noticed that he had these giant honeycombs hanging off of the back of his head like a headdress, and 50 giant bees suddenly came flying out of them, which made me freak out and run indoors. Oh and the bees simply started pollinating the flowers in the background, but I was too shocked by the fact that there practically were 50 giant bees roaming around my backyard to care much.
...
Indoors, I suddenly went into third person mode (this happens a lot in my dreams) and I saw the central area of my old elementary school where the hopscotch and four square painted lines used to be. However, now there were a bunch of buses lined up along the center of this court, and this black woman came out of the office building, who I somehow knew to be the principal of this school (meaning it wasn't really my old school anymore). After she passed by the buses, she pressed this button that caused all of them to explode, setting off a massive earthquake that rocked the school buildings around it and causing all the alarms to go off.
When I came back to myself, I was now inside the room where the daycare at my old school used to be, and people around me were panicking. I ran down the stairway in this room to the Kindergarten classrooms, since I knew that the courtyard I'd just "seen" lay outside the doors of these classrooms. Instead of opening the doors though, I somehow obtained X-Ray vision and looked through the doors. The buses had somehow disappeared from the area, and the principal lady was standing in the middle, confronted by a group of say 5 people whose backs were facing me. At that moment, the lady walked up to the first person, a little 5 year old black girl in a wheelchair, took out a handgun, and shot the girl in the forehead.
WTF???
At that moment I instinctively ran up the stairs and out the daycare doors towards the parking lot, since I knew that I didn't want to stay anywhere near this psycho-murderous black principal lady.
As this was happening, I suddenly went into third person mode again and saw a TV news report of the incident- "Principal goes insane and sets bomb off at school, goes on murdering spree." or something like that. Then I woke up. Um yeah.
I don't know why, but lately it seems like a lot of my dreams are either really morbid or really violent or some combination of the two. Here's a random recount in no particular order.
1. Jason (my roommate) burying me alive in a crypt to save me from Melissa, who somehow got possessed by an evil spirit and in the process brought about the Apocalypse. Lots of mist and burning buildings by the way.
2. Martin trying to run me over in a giant truck with shotguns after I steal two pillows lying in the middle of a field.
3. Me eating pieces of a dead nun and thinking that it tastes like prime ribs. And the skeletal figure of the nun suddenly coming to life and yelling at my unnamed dinner host for serving her as an entreé.
4. Me trying to fend off attackers in a flooded water park, only to escape into an open field where I now have to fend off against giant flying pterodactyls in turn based combat.
5. Me having to learn to drive backwards in order to escape from a giant robot that tries to crush me in front of my own house.
6. Me trying to floor Harrison at a refugee campfire after he friggin insults me using Radiohead release dates as metaphors for "Ryan sucks." And failing to do so due to a lack of upper body strength.
7. Me driving off of a cliff after missing a curve in a mountainous road on accident.
8. Me having to fight against some murderer who stalks me in a bathroom.
9. Me going around a revolving carnival stand, running into an evil clown like the one from Stephen King's It, and having to run across a street from it before it tries to kill me.
10. A giant Cheep Cheep from the Mario Bros. series jumping into my elementary school and eating everybody I know.
11. Peter going insane and throwing his mom out the window as she comes in with a tray of lemonade and cookies. And then proceeding to attempt to pick up his own house so he can throw it as well.
12. My class getting held hostage by Native Americans during a field trip to a wild western town. I manage to escape before it gets ugly with the help of Whitney Meares, who somehow happens to be the bartender at the Indian Reservation, and I start an online petition to free my classmates back.
13. Me going on my first field trip as a Berkeley student, complete with a yellow school bus, only now to get kidnapped by people in need of UC student labor. Although their idea of student labor happens to be a rehash of Welcome Week activities in the basement of a magical castle.
14. Me participating in a gun raid with this guy from that one movie whose name I forget about Japanese detainment camps in America in order to save my classmates who've been held hostage in the school library. And taking a bathroom break in a toilet stall that appears in the middle of a grassy field.
Uhh yeah by this point they start getting less morbidly violent and more random. I'm starting to see a common thread of having to escape from something before it's too late? or fighting back against something. Hm.
I wonder what dreams I may have tonight...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Half the time I try to write something in this nowadays, I end up erasing whatever I've just written and start over. I tend to get really picky about what does end up on here, which isn't really that good to begin with. But that's how I am about writing in general.
It's 4 in the morning and I really don't feel like sleeping yet. Not until this is over with anyway.
Currently listening to Asobi Seksu - Pink Cloud Tracing Paper. It's got a certain melodic yet noisy quality that I like. Something that makes it stand out from the quiet everyday-like quality of Thursday, the beats of Strawberries, and the cheerfulness of Goodbye. Good stuff.
So I don't really know why I act the way I do. I'm feel as though I'm Meursault from The Stranger- someone who simply acts only because he feels like it rather than out of any real motivation to do something. I'm a bit surprised that people here don't seem to understand him at all... even if he does so far as to kill an Arab because he feels too hot. I can see it. I'm living it- only I don't feel bothered enough to kill anyone. It's too much much of a hassle.
In reality, my judgments tend to be based on whatever seems most convenient to me at the time, or takes the least effort- even if that decision isn't really convenient in the long run. I really should start looking more towards the future, but everything so far's been about the here and now. Even my so called schedule planning escapades are simply because of the thrill I get from looking up new classes right at that moment- since I can't wait until my homework is finished to get started on that. I'm all about instant gratification, really.
Of course, other people see something else in me, or at least so I think. They look at me and my insane mess of future schedules allotted out and say that I'm on top of things; they look at my performance and say that I'm going to be successful in the future; they look at my interests and say that I'm well-rounded or something. Well, maybe I'll give them that last one. Sorta. But I'm really just striving for an appearance that's not really there.
But enough of my random self reflective rambling again. I'm just trying to understand my inane self at 4 in the morning because I feel like it. Wow, there it is again.
It's 4 in the morning and I really don't feel like sleeping yet. Not until this is over with anyway.
Currently listening to Asobi Seksu - Pink Cloud Tracing Paper. It's got a certain melodic yet noisy quality that I like. Something that makes it stand out from the quiet everyday-like quality of Thursday, the beats of Strawberries, and the cheerfulness of Goodbye. Good stuff.
So I don't really know why I act the way I do. I'm feel as though I'm Meursault from The Stranger- someone who simply acts only because he feels like it rather than out of any real motivation to do something. I'm a bit surprised that people here don't seem to understand him at all... even if he does so far as to kill an Arab because he feels too hot. I can see it. I'm living it- only I don't feel bothered enough to kill anyone. It's too much much of a hassle.
In reality, my judgments tend to be based on whatever seems most convenient to me at the time, or takes the least effort- even if that decision isn't really convenient in the long run. I really should start looking more towards the future, but everything so far's been about the here and now. Even my so called schedule planning escapades are simply because of the thrill I get from looking up new classes right at that moment- since I can't wait until my homework is finished to get started on that. I'm all about instant gratification, really.
Of course, other people see something else in me, or at least so I think. They look at me and my insane mess of future schedules allotted out and say that I'm on top of things; they look at my performance and say that I'm going to be successful in the future; they look at my interests and say that I'm well-rounded or something. Well, maybe I'll give them that last one. Sorta. But I'm really just striving for an appearance that's not really there.
But enough of my random self reflective rambling again. I'm just trying to understand my inane self at 4 in the morning because I feel like it. Wow, there it is again.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)