Half the time I try to write something in this nowadays, I end up erasing whatever I've just written and start over. I tend to get really picky about what does end up on here, which isn't really that good to begin with. But that's how I am about writing in general.

It's 4 in the morning and I really don't feel like sleeping yet. Not until this is over with anyway.

Currently listening to Asobi Seksu - Pink Cloud Tracing Paper. It's got a certain melodic yet noisy quality that I like. Something that makes it stand out from the quiet everyday-like quality of Thursday, the beats of Strawberries, and the cheerfulness of Goodbye. Good stuff.

So I don't really know why I act the way I do. I'm feel as though I'm Meursault from The Stranger- someone who simply acts only because he feels like it rather than out of any real motivation to do something. I'm a bit surprised that people here don't seem to understand him at all... even if he does so far as to kill an Arab because he feels too hot. I can see it. I'm living it- only I don't feel bothered enough to kill anyone. It's too much much of a hassle.

In reality, my judgments tend to be based on whatever seems most convenient to me at the time, or takes the least effort- even if that decision isn't really convenient in the long run. I really should start looking more towards the future, but everything so far's been about the here and now. Even my so called schedule planning escapades are simply because of the thrill I get from looking up new classes right at that moment- since I can't wait until my homework is finished to get started on that. I'm all about instant gratification, really.

Of course, other people see something else in me, or at least so I think. They look at me and my insane mess of future schedules allotted out and say that I'm on top of things; they look at my performance and say that I'm going to be successful in the future; they look at my interests and say that I'm well-rounded or something. Well, maybe I'll give them that last one. Sorta. But I'm really just striving for an appearance that's not really there.

But enough of my random self reflective rambling again. I'm just trying to understand my inane self at 4 in the morning because I feel like it. Wow, there it is again.