After a combined day of hiking (with work people) and swing dancing, I have been limping the past few days. I hope this doesn't last for too long. -_-

edit: Hurry up and heal faster leg. I really want to play tennis tomorrow. :(

[Lacking] Closure

I'm used to finding myself lost in thought most of the time. Lately though it seems like most of what I ever think of is errands, tasks, and to-do lists of errands and tasks. I usually end up forgetting anything else that comes to mind, unless I write them down like this.

Closure. The word came up in conversation today in a different context, but it characterizes what's been bothering me since May ended. I don't feel like I had any closure on anything going on then, aside from the need to get away from people. Cause once I found people again, it was too late for there to be any of it. People move on.

When the things you expect, or hope, or pray for don't come to fruition in time... A friend back in May wondered why I seemed less happy in general from previous years. It progressed through phases. From optimism to depression, to anger, and then to disillusionment. By the end there was apathy. Not totally... I still cared enough to be bothered. I just didn't care enough to do anything about it anymore... which in effect isn't really much different from not caring at all.

And to be honest, I hate the fact that it still bothers me. I could still find myself paralyzed from the thought of it, months later, trapped in a car in the middle of traffic in Indonesia, even when nothing of the days or moments before would even suggest of it. Again in the middle of conversation with a family that was being a little too hospitable. Again in the midst of the lull while driving up north. These moments just happen out of nowhere.

"It" is multiple things. It is disappointment at what could've been, at what actually happened, at my own passiveness in the face of something that just seemed inexplicable and out of my own control. It is multiple events, some related, some unrelated, spanning the course of four years and multiple overlapping circles of people and communities. It consists largely of things that "don't concern me," as far as the signs would tell. I know that. I don't want to be concerned. But it still comes up anyway, in conversation as an afterthought. A nice story to tell to those who weren't there. and to reminisce with those who were, regardless of whether or not I fully know what's being said in front of me.

I wonder if I'd find closure if I actually knew what happened. To be able to fill in those holes in my memory, the lack of information that leads me to misjudge people and hold bitter feelings against them, when they probably don't deserve any of it for all I know. Is it even really about that? Was I even sincerely praying for them? Did I even actually pray?

It is all too easy to turn this into something about me, when in actuality there was a lot more going on personally in the lives of these people, that I have no right to know about. Perhaps I am bitter because I wasn't allowed to know. I shouldn't have any reason to know. But I can see the apparent aftereffects of it all, and that is enough to make me want to know. And then it turns into an issue of not being close enough with the people in question. And then it's an issue of why we weren't closer. And then it becomes why aren't I closer with more people. And so the thought progression goes.

Do I want to be closer to people because I need people to be close to? Or am I really affected by what happens to the people I consider my friends, even if I'm not that close to them? These questions keep coming up again and again, and I can't shake them off. I tend to go with the assumption that I'm just being selfish here, and that I should stop wondering cause it'd be better for everyone else, and for my own mind's sake. But evidently I can't stop myself from mulling over this sometimes, when I least expect it.

For those of you who I find it difficult to talk to now after all of this, I really miss talking to you. Even though it might not have seemed like we talked much at all. I'm guessing my memory's eschewed that much of it... and so I feel hesitant to say much more. I could be going off of something that wasn't there for all I know. But I don't presume most of you read this blog anyway, so what does it matter.

It is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't know if the people you value will get to see it with you.

Well today was an odd combo of events.

- Realized I forgot my badge at home 3/4 of the way to work. Since you can't even enter a building without a badge, I had to drive back to pick it up and wound up being 20 minutes late.

- While rushing up the stairs because I was late, the strap on my [overpacked as usual] messenger bag ripped off and my bag with work laptop inside toppled down a flight of stairs. luckily nothing broke, except for my bag.

- Since the strap ripped off, the zippers on the main pocket of my bag could no longer close fully, as I discovered when one of the zippers then fell off and couldn't be reattached.

- Caused a bit of a commotion by entering an overcrowded room in the middle of a presentation from the back and dropping my water bottle. I suck at maintaining composure when I'm flustered.

- Left the presentation early for a meeting with a manager down several blocks in another building. When I reached my car, I realized I left my water bottle back in the presentation room and had to rush back for it also. -__-

- And of course I accidentally throw my bottle as I'm running back to the car, scraping it quite a bit.

- Later inadvertently pulled off the remaining zipper of my messenger bag when I tried to zip the bag without thinking about the missing strap. So I accidentally zipped my laptop and stuff into the bag without being unable to unzip it. Wound up just breaking the zipped part altogether.

- When leaving today I almost took another person's messenger bag, until I realized that it wasn't mine because the strap was still intact... AFTER already putting my laptop inside. and then when I removed my laptop I almost took the book inside also, which wasn't actually mine.

tl;dr: I need a new messenger bag. RIP old messenger bag. At least it was free, I guess.

Saw some interesting groups and presentations today, at least. And they gave us free pizza and beer. Oh work.

More thoughts.

- Had a number of dreams this week, but I can't remember any of them now save for the one a few days ago in which I saw a movie titled "Dreams and Guns." All I remember is waking up and thinking that it was a bizarre combination of Sailor Moon, Samuel L. Jackson, and Quentin Tarantino.

- I know I have a propensity for liking weird... things in general, but I have to say that Mawaru Penguindrum is probably the weirdest anime I have seen so far. At least, in the sense that I have no idea what is going on right now. The only thing I can predict about this series is the Survival Strategy sequence that plays every episode (similar to the repetitive stock footage you see in every episode of series like Sailor Moon/Digimon/Utena/etc.), but otherwise... gah I have no idea.

- When I look back over some of my old posts on this blog, it feels like a different person wrote them. As in, I have no idea what I was thinking or simply don't remember writing those posts.

- Google's cafeteria is amazing. Thanks Jade!

- It was a bit jarring the first day, but I'm starting to get used to living alone. It's kinda nice, I guess... I've never had this much free space in my life. (I've never had a private space or room to myself at home - I shared everything with brother).

I was asked before why I decided to live alone... well, I did kinda ask around a bit at first. But after a friend suggested considering living alone for once, I thought about it. And it started feeling like an attractive idea - not to mention that phase I went through a few months ago of getting sick of people.

I guess when it came down to it, I realized the thing I disliked the most about living with people was the constant possibility of inconveniencing or annoying them somehow- stereotypical, perhaps? This was in part influenced by seeing other friends getting annoyed at getting inconvenienced by the people they lived with. And I felt like if I were in the same circumstances I'd more likely be the annoying one since oftentimes I make the mistake of not fully considering how my actions affect other people. Particularly when it comes to living circumstances.

Another thing that influenced this was my own tendency to not take initiative in general apartment tasks like cooking, cleaning, etc. when I lived with other people. This was more due to my own inexperience - and I absolutely loathed getting complaints/comments from other people when I made basic mistakes because of inexperience or just not fully thinking through what I was doing, that I pretty much felt less inclined to do these things altogether. At least, not when other people were around.

I'm hoping that this year will be a time to force me to grow up for once, and rely less on others in taking initiative when it comes to my living circumstances. Ultimately, I'd like to become a better person to live with- although I realize that could easily go the other way around and make me prefer living just for myself. But in all honesty, in spite of the negative baggage it came with, I do miss living with people.

- It felt really weird being back at IV last night. I was reminded of that note I got at graduation- one that expressed regret over not getting to know each other better - which was how I felt in general on leaving back in May. I came in desiring good conversations and relationships with people, and left feeling lost in the rush of the flow, knowing a lot of people but not really "knowing" them well, and feeling disappointed considering how much time I'd invested in this community and how this probably would stay the same after college. Over the course of the night, all of those feelings came back... and of course, the usual post-large group rush never really helps- I barely had time to talk to most of the people I did see. But it was good to see them.

- Berkeley, I missed you. Although as far as driving around and trying to find parking goes, I hate you. I spent an hour trying to find a parking spot last night, and while driving down Shattuck a random passing driver called me an asshole. -___-

Today was a good day.

Hello San Jose.

Currently in the process of moving in. Won't have a bed till Thursday. Hooray for new apartment life!

Dream Post #38

Child (male? female?) born to nazi parents who commit suicide shortly after. I take the POV of this person and procede alone into the start of the sequence - like a line to an attraction at a theme park, except the attraction is sorted into different stages. Note to self after having experienced this dream, pay attention to what happens to my backpack and two jackets. (I don't actually remember where they were at most points during this...)

First stage: I transform into Cloud Strife tactically attacking enemies from afar in a setting that resembles a turn based strategy game.

[in a hotel room, foreshadowing.]

Next line: I am pushed along, into the sewers, slums of some district chasing after something (magic? a pixie?) I can't catch. Motorcycles?

Next stage: Moving forward, I'm in an outdoor mall. I'm carrying a bomb into the target location. activate it. walk slowly away (feels like a combination of the opening sequence to the movie Touch of Evil and the sequence where Joker walks away from the hospital in The Dark Knight). Nearing exit, hear the explosion, feel the heat from behind - turn, see fire erupting from inside, smoke spreading and engulfing everyone flowing towards my direction, arm feels the burn from the heat, people around trying to run. I run. (This part actually happened twice - there were two bombs - but I don't remember the sequence between the planting of both bombs)

As I run forward, thousands of people compressed into streams flow past me towards the site of the explosion. However there are too many(50+ streams at once) and the streams crash into each other like trains. People get run over by people-trains, blood splattering on the ground, massive chaos all around.

I run as fast as I can past them, finally trapped in a crowd with people I know from high school + Johny?? in a corner. It almost feels like I'm stuck in a massive line/crowd at Disneyland. Oh wait, this is Disneyland. and this is a line waiting to exit, since the mall just got bombed and a ton of people just died. I can see the Sleeping Beauty castle plus another huge crowd of trapped people just over the wall next to me. Johny seems amused at the equally trapped people. Discussion with high school friends over how life's going. I thought you were supposed to be in Europe. [oh, I'm on vacation right now]

Oh look, there's a part of the crowd branching off into this field that reminds me of the field where we were waiting in line at general commencement. We're getting permission to leave from these black suited guards, one by one. High school friend realizes something, tries to explain but can't in front of guards and has to run around the corner behind a wall, others follow. I try to but am pulled back by guard, pushed away into the line exiting the campus.

Line moves toward the end, I wonder what happened to the others. They zoom by me at that moment, having transformed into fish or sea monkeys. I don't remember which. Alternate ending for this dream starts here, in which I also transform into a sea monkey and become enraptured by a giant shroom.

No wait. My conscious self isn't satisfied by this ending, so I forcefully rewind time in the dream (like rewinding a tape) and come back to the point before fish friends fly by.

Line moves forward, I see a huge line progressing in the opposite direction back into the park. I wonder why you would try to go back into the park when there is so much chaos there right now, at the site where the bomb went off/streams of people collided. I get pushed out. At this point I realize I left my two jackets back somewhere in the line when I was still with high school friends. I took them off because it was getting too hot. Oh well.

As I exit, I realize backpack was left behind, I go back to the entrance and one of the guards hands it back to me. I ask him how he knew it was my backpack (it was actually dad's billabong backpack). He saw me drop it apparently.

I look back at the entrance line, which goes through a shack at some point. In front of the shack is a distressed woman, face with burns, apparently tortured while working as a servant for the family running the park. She gets pulled back into the shack by security, screaming.

I exit the park via the exit line... and then wake up? I don't remember what else there was after that. I feel like the hotel room from early on came back again. The culprit was there. Watching the news covering what happened today.

After I wake up I close my eyes and rewind time back through the dream, to the beginning. I am still bothered by the gruesomeness of the deaths back during the people-stream-train sequence.