on a moment

I'm finding it such that I seem to not have much to say except when I'm feeling a little down or depressed. Not like chronic depression, but more like a random moment of a day or even a wholly random day where all of a sudden, I become aware of myself and start feeling out of it for no particular reason. Or maybe some small things will trigger it.

Existential loneliness. It's not that kind that comes about from a lack of relationships, but from some level of personal dissatisfaction with current circumstances, of recognizing that I can still feel lonely and empty in the midst of possessing relationships, where no relationship feels complete or "perfect." Or perhaps from finding a lack of something in myself that contributes to this.

It comes from moments like these when I'm tired and worn out after a long day, having come back from a 20 mile 30 lb backpacking hike over the weekend and finding myself incapable of walking, having had 4 hour's worth of sleep for no real valid reason, and suddenly realizing that I am mentally and emotionally incapable of really talking to people right now. Or that I've still failed to really befriend the people I've wanted to befriend, or that I'm finding myself incapable of really trying to empathize with whatever people are saying to me right now, of really listening and not just responding with auto-pilot single response comments, of really just being a friend. And I'm thinking to myself, is it because I'm tired, or because this is just the kind of person I am fundamentally inside, when I don't have the time or energy to put up extra facades or personas or whatever you call them?

I still get asked often, "Doesn't it get lonely living by yourself?" And I usually just respond with some half-assed response because maybe I'm tired of being asked it by now (despite it being a reasonable question to ask), and there is truth in saying that I'm used to it already, and that when I'm preoccupying myself with something like saying, blogging this right now, I don't really notice it. I would be fine just living like this day after day - it's just when I'm inadvertently alerted to or somehow notice the frequency other people seem to be able to keep up with each other and with how many of them at once, and start wondering if I'm doing something wrong by going for most of a day without talking to anyone outside of work circumstances. And I wonder if I just give off that vibe to people that I prefer to do my own thing sometimes, unintentionally or not.

(also: "You always look tired when I see you." - oddly, I never notice when I look tired, since half of the time this happens, I don't actually feel tired so much as I just feel... normal. someone explain to me, please.)

Maybe it's just jealousy at seeing some quality in others that I don't have, wishing that I weren't so stuck in automatic introvert mode almost all the time and that I had the energy to actually convey to people that I'm enjoying myself when I'm with them even during those times when I'm not saying anything at all or look like I'm just not enjoying myself. Wishing that in spite of that urge I naturally feel to run away from awkward moments and get back to my own world, that I could still convey to the other person that the desire for friendship still exists. Wishing that I could just be honest about what I'm feeling at a certain moment without having to worry about losing or alienating people for fear of awkwardness or back-talking and gossip or that contributing to continuing to miss out on whatever's going on in other people's lives. Wishing that lack of contact frequency didn't translate to lack of depth in a relationship or some level of "you never talk/hang out with me" just because I never know what to say to people when I wanted to talk to them (and then those few times where someone asks me why I wanted to talk to them. do I need a reason why? because I think you're cool, I guess?)

I don't mean for this to be such a downer of a post, but just felt like getting this out there. Sometimes I just feel inexplicably sad all of a sudden for no apparent reason and I am unable to convey it in person to anyone, except that in the process of processing and writing it out here I actually don't feel sad anymore. It's kind of like what Louis C. K. said with just letting the existential sadness just wash over you in that moment and it triggering happiness again. I am happy with just being here, now.

Anyways, back to Pokemon! It occurred to me the other day that Pokemon fulfills my compulsion to schedule plan since the process of putting together a team I actually like that works takes about as much time and research as it took me to create all of those schedules I made for majors I wound up not taking in college. Which is also why I get burnt out on it after beating the elite four and champion in the game I'm playing and wind up not touching one for another two years, just in time for the next versions to come out. But anyway, I'm really digging the new games right now; it's like a handheld realized version of the battles from Stadium.