restless

I've had several posts in the works this past month or so, but none of them have really come to fruition. I haven't really been a mood for posting anything I write lately, mainly because perhaps there isn't much more to really write about that I haven't written before. It follows along with what I tend to say nowadays when people ask me about work: "work is work." And most of my time spent outside of work now is spent preoccupying myself with something or the other while skirting over whatever it is I intend to write about now. Which I don't really know yet, other than the fact that I can't sleep right now and don't really have the willpower to do anything else.

I don't remember if I mentioned it here before, but earlier this year I considered the possibility of seeing a therapist. Partly just cause it's nice to be able to talk about your problems for once without having to worry about infringing on someone else's time (since... that's what a therapist's job is, anyway), and partly because maybe I just really needed to be able to fully talk to someone for once. I never acted on that impulse, but I'm considering it again. I think going on for too long without addressing what your problems actually are is unhealthy and life-draining in the long run, or at least that's how it's been from personal experience.

When I'm conscious enough to notice it, I struggle with a number of insecurities about myself and a latent sense of anxiety, I guess. This year in particular, I've noticed it's led me to start internally (I don't think I let it on externally... much) making a big deal out of little things or take a situation out of proportion or sometimes go out of my way to do something I wouldn't normally do. Something as minor as someone not responding right away (screw instant messaging and its "seen at" notifications) is enough to bother me more than need be, or being next to someone continuously engaged in some conversation on their phone, or other circumstances not worth describing here.

And after a while, these kinds of unhealthy responses and the thoughts that motivate them lead to a warped view of the world. I don't know if I've ever felt so negative about people in general (at least in large groups) before, or so averse to being around them. It's almost as if I automatically assume the worst of anyone I don't really know (or used to know). Every little disappointment- because for some stupid reason I sometimes feel disappointed talking to people- just contributes to this damaging cynical mindset. As much as I wish I could be amiable in general, it's difficult when I'm not really feeling it a lot of the time.

The disappointment comes from people not conforming to the idealistic situations I might imagine in my head, or in those recent psychological dreams I've had that I've been too embarrassed to write about; from the responses I might hope to see but don't because a conversation just cuts short; from what I sense as a lack of total honesty from the person in front of me; from the realization of how much I dislike modern-day social conventions; from some missing quality in myself that prevents me from calling out whatever it is I'm not seeing and trying to making something of it.

And that's just... one kind of insecurity, actually. There's also the subtle feeling in the back of my mind that I'm totally inefficient at what I do; that I'm not living up to whatever it is I'd hoped to live up to in the past; and that I feel apathetic now about addressing a lot of the problems I see in myself and in life. A lot of the resolutions I looked forward to or attempted at earlier this year have fallen flat, and I just seem to be unable to commit myself to much of anything I want to. These days I tend to feel mentally lost and aimless... and prone to bouts of tiredness and headaches whenever I try to fix my sleeping schedule apparently. Technology isn't really helping me here.

Of course, at the end of the day I find myself incapable of articulating this to anyone... or perhaps I don't even want to, as it doesn't really come up in my head except for when I'm not talking to anyone. You would have to force me to confess, and then I'd have to think about it first because my mind doesn't work the same way in social conversation as it does when writing here or actively reflecting, and then maybe I'll feel comfortable enough to say something if no one else is around. And I'm just describing another one of those ideal situations in my head again. The reality is probably rather different.

And that was my attempt to somehow diagnose why my mind won't let me sleep without really going into explicit detail. I don't feel like I got very far... which is why I should probably carry through with that therapist thought sometime. Maybe.

consumption of late:

- Book: Anna Karenina, that Tolstoy novel about a woman and a man who commit adultery (and the repercussions of it which go on for another 700+ pages...). Tolstoy has a knack for putting into succinct words the complexity of social mannerisms and all of the mind games that people go through when they find themselves in this kind of a situation. And of course there's a bunch of other stuff that he has to say about Russian society in the 1900's and other topics like horseback racing and farming and the proletariat and so on that are probably tangential at best to the subject of the novel, but I guess that's Tolstoy for you. I'll start A Dance with Dragons as soon as I finish this...

- TV Show: The Venture Brothers. Starts out as a parody of the Johnny Quest cartoon series (what if the boy adventurer grew up and had his own kids... and got overshadowed by his own life) but then slowly becomes something much more than that. I caught up with the most recent season the other day and now I'm in the wait for the long haul now. The first season took some getting used to, but over the course of the ones that followed, the show shot up to becoming my favorite cartoon, even beating The Last Airbender (although granted, they're different genres). I might say that it reminds me of Archer, except with much nerdier humor and a more fully developed mythology behind the scenes. I'm starting to realize how much I love backstory in TV shows; it works surprisingly well here even though it's a comedy series.

- Games: Pokemon X, and then Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies. I kinda binge-marathoned through both of these in a span of about two weeks; I mentioned Pokemon in my last post already. The new Ace Attorney game was less about Phoenix than it really was about Apollo and Athena, but the seeing them all work together in their new law agency was a bit refreshing and I have high hopes for the future of the series. Found the game overall stronger than Apollo Justice, although in part because Apollo finally gets some much needed development here.

- Musicals: Evita in LA, Beautiful in SF.
Evita is an Andrew Lloyd Webber classic... and to be honest, I'm not hugely into his stuff compared to other composers. I had trouble paying attention during the first half owing to lack of familiarity with the story of Eva Peron (which a quick wiki during the intermission fixed), but I enjoyed it nonetheless overall. Couldn't help humming Don't Cry For Me Argentina for a while.

Beautiful is the new Carole King musical that debuted in SF and is coming to Broadway later. The style reminded me a bit of Jersey Boys (same-ish era, same-ish concept of singing classic old songs while going through the history of the artist), and I was surprised at how many of the songs I did recognize considering I didn't know much about Carole King before. Great for any oldies fan.

And that's it. Good night.